Re: ways to know you are in a no-win relationship

[Guest guest]

Blessings to you for taking care of yourself.  When my counselor told me a year

ago that nada had bpd & that I was in a no win situation with her before I was

born  it was music to my ears.  IT WASN'T ME.  Now I am working on myself and

MY LIFE.    and it feels so good. 

Subject: ways to know you are in a no-win relationship

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 1:45 PM

Life with a person who has untreated borderline personality disorder 

is nothing short of a tragedy. It is a tragedy in endless acts. 

Eventually you will see that no matter how hard you try, in your 

accompanying role, you can only fail.

To be sure you are not there when the play comes to its unsatisfying 

end, it helps to share the unfolding story with others. In that way 

you come to see  for yourself that you are in a no-win relationship.

  There are many signs that you might be in a no-win relationship, the 

kind that indicates someone in your screenplay has BPD.  One is when 

an actor is constantly pulling the rug out from under you. When you 

hear things told about yourself that are not true;  when you find your 

goodness and your intentions questioned; when you eventually find out 

there is nothing that you can do that is right; when your words are 

used against you and you find the best thing is to be speechless; when 

someone blames you for their shortcomings; when humor backfires nearly 

every time; when you finally make progress at keeping your own self-

esteem intact, and your intimate partner tears the foundation of your 

beliefs from underneath you.   (I can use more examples on this, and I 

know I need concrete ones. I'd appreciate your input, and even humor 

on this one.)

Here is kind of where I want to end up on this essay:

“That is not a relationship,†said a dear friend. “I would not call 

what you have with your mother a relationship. "

Stymied then, I offered humor.  " How about, a leaking ship? “

“An unpatchable ship.†she said. I could tell she was getting impatient.

“You've got to know when to jump out!†I grinned.

Her eyes were wide. “I’d say you did it just in time.â€

   You can’t set a boundary in a sinking ship, and take care of 

someone else’s emotions, too.  To save a drowning person, when they 

have decided you are only worthy of attacking you, means you pay the 

price of saving them, with your life.   Jumping out of the ship, 

leaving them to patch it up themselves  is the only way.

  Failure to me meant saving my own life.  It meant to stop trying to 

be a good daughter. It felt like tear-filled, belly emptying, joy.

[Guest guest]

Blessings to you for taking care of yourself.  When my counselor told me a year

ago that nada had bpd & that I was in a no win situation with her before I was

born  it was music to my ears.  IT WASN'T ME.  Now I am working on myself and

MY LIFE.    and it feels so good. 

Subject: ways to know you are in a no-win relationship

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 1:45 PM

Life with a person who has untreated borderline personality disorder 

is nothing short of a tragedy. It is a tragedy in endless acts. 

Eventually you will see that no matter how hard you try, in your 

accompanying role, you can only fail.

To be sure you are not there when the play comes to its unsatisfying 

end, it helps to share the unfolding story with others. In that way 

you come to see  for yourself that you are in a no-win relationship.

  There are many signs that you might be in a no-win relationship, the 

kind that indicates someone in your screenplay has BPD.  One is when 

an actor is constantly pulling the rug out from under you. When you 

hear things told about yourself that are not true;  when you find your 

goodness and your intentions questioned; when you eventually find out 

there is nothing that you can do that is right; when your words are 

used against you and you find the best thing is to be speechless; when 

someone blames you for their shortcomings; when humor backfires nearly 

every time; when you finally make progress at keeping your own self-

esteem intact, and your intimate partner tears the foundation of your 

beliefs from underneath you.   (I can use more examples on this, and I 

know I need concrete ones. I'd appreciate your input, and even humor 

on this one.)

Here is kind of where I want to end up on this essay:

“That is not a relationship,†said a dear friend. “I would not call 

what you have with your mother a relationship. "

Stymied then, I offered humor.  " How about, a leaking ship? “

“An unpatchable ship.†she said. I could tell she was getting impatient.

“You've got to know when to jump out!†I grinned.

Her eyes were wide. “I’d say you did it just in time.â€

   You can’t set a boundary in a sinking ship, and take care of 

someone else’s emotions, too.  To save a drowning person, when they 

have decided you are only worthy of attacking you, means you pay the 

price of saving them, with your life.   Jumping out of the ship, 

leaving them to patch it up themselves  is the only way.

  Failure to me meant saving my own life.  It meant to stop trying to 

be a good daughter. It felt like tear-filled, belly emptying, joy.

[Guest guest]

AMEN!!

What a great way to say it.

Thanks--you're a great writer and a clear, courageous person. You not only

found the strength to jump ship, you made it into a glorious starting-point to

freedom!!

I'm completely impressed with everything about this post.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Life with a person who has untreated borderline personality disorder

> is nothing short of a tragedy. It is a tragedy in endless acts.

> Eventually you will see that no matter how hard you try, in your

> accompanying role, you can only fail.

>

> To be sure you are not there when the play comes to its unsatisfying

> end, it helps to share the unfolding story with others. In that way

> you come to see for yourself that you are in a no-win relationship.

>

> There are many signs that you might be in a no-win relationship, the

> kind that indicates someone in your screenplay has BPD. One is when

> an actor is constantly pulling the rug out from under you. When you

> hear things told about yourself that are not true; when you find your

> goodness and your intentions questioned; when you eventually find out

> there is nothing that you can do that is right; when your words are

> used against you and you find the best thing is to be speechless; when

> someone blames you for their shortcomings; when humor backfires nearly

> every time; when you finally make progress at keeping your own self-

> esteem intact, and your intimate partner tears the foundation of your

> beliefs from underneath you. (I can use more examples on this, and I

> know I need concrete ones. I'd appreciate your input, and even humor

> on this one.)

>

> Here is kind of where I want to end up on this essay:

>

> " That is not a relationship, " said a dear friend. " I would not call

> what you have with your mother a relationship. "

>

> Stymied then, I offered humor. " How about, a leaking ship? "

>

> " An unpatchable ship. " she said. I could tell she was getting impatient.

>

> " You've got to know when to jump out! " I grinned.

>

> Her eyes were wide. " I'd say you did it just in time. "

>

> You can't set a boundary in a sinking ship, and take care of

> someone else's emotions, too. To save a drowning person, when they

> have decided you are only worthy of attacking you, means you pay the

> price of saving them, with your life. Jumping out of the ship,

> leaving them to patch it up themselves is the only way.

>

>

> Failure to me meant saving my own life. It meant to stop trying to

> be a good daughter. It felt like tear-filled, belly emptying, joy.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Karla and ...Thanks for the positive response.

To explain my share : It just really struck me this past few days

that the BPD creates the ultimate no-win relationship with their

spouse and children. I found myself so wanting to write an article

about it.

I felt very far from my goal when I wrote this. Maybe I am closer

than I thought. Except for humor.

Also I am not sure my examples of " signs " of a no-win relationship

were concrete enough or bittersweet enough.

If any of you are motivated to share your experience with a nada or

fada...please feel free to add " signs " of your own?

smithvictoria@...