Would appreciate your insight

July 26, 2010

It was suggested to me from one of the other groups that I query you folks who

had a BPD parent. Perhaps you get this question from time to time. My brief

summary: I am a nonBP mom married to a BPDh, 13 years, recently learned of BPD

3 months ago. No physical abuse (anymore), definitely verbal/emotional abuse

and all the craziness/mood swings/lying. No infidelity that I know about, no

drugs or alcohol (anymore). We are currently separated 6 mos. but will likely

move back together in another month, primarily for financial reasons, but also

because he appears to be trying to work towards a healthy life--for about 3

months now he has been in therapy, trying different meds, etc.. He acknowledges

after that BPD appears to be the demon he has been fighting with all these

years. And I now have new tools to deal with him in the home--I have laid some

pretty strong boundaries, particularly as it pertains to our children. What I

am struggling with is the long term effects on my 2 kids (currently ages 5, 8)

on either staying or going--hence would appreciate your insight. At the moment

I am resolved that I will stay with him if he continually works towards

improving his own emotional situation. He will never be the " dad " that he

should be--he can't be. But he's " there " for them to a certain extent, and able

to meet some of their needs, and I am there for accountability to him (our

family staying intact as being one of the reasons for him to seek help). And I

am there every day to help my kids understand what is going on and how to cope.

If I leave him, he'll likely just leave completely (like he did with his first

family--physically, emotionally, etc., and his grown kids are certainly paying

for it), and the best I could hope for from him would be a " weekend " dad. Which

will be devastating to the 5 YO, perhaps not so much for the 8 YO. The other

possibility (which frightens me)if I leave is that he might fight just to make

my life miserable, possibly using the children, and no longer work towards

improving his emotional situation, and be allowed to spew his BPD unchecked at

the kids without my being there, very likely having unacceptable female

relationships that my kids would be exposed to. The court system here in CA is

not very supportive unless there is physical abuse. Damned if you do, damned if

you don't, especially for them, because this is a relationship that they did not

choose. What has been your experiences? I really want to make an educated

choice, first for my children. This is way too complicated and no answer seems

to be a good one. Thanks for all of you, you are all very brave to be here and

sharing your lives.

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