A Rambling Start

[Guest guest]

I'm not sure where to start, but I'm pretty sure that my mother has undiagnosed

BPD. Most of the time my mother doesn't " blow up " at me anymore because I've

set up some pretty effective emotional and geographical boundaries. Still, I'm

not satisfied with my current coping strategies because creating distance

between myself and my mother has created some unwanted distance between myself

and my father and siblings. I'm not sure if better solutions exist or if I just

need to learn to accept the current situation.

This past weekend, I visited my Aunt (mother's sister) who asked a lot of

questions about my mother's mental state. She was searching for explanations to

explain my mother's compulsive lying and wild mood swings. A long night of

on-line research led me here. I've also made a trip to the bookstore and am 1/2

way through SWOE.

My mom has been on good behavior when I am physically present since March of

2008. I believe this is because she is afraid that I would sever ties with her

if she were not on good behavior. In March of 2008, I was experiencing what

appeared to be my third miscarriage. My mother took my losses very personally,

as might be expected for a mother with BP who sees her children as extensions of

herself, especially since my child would have been her first grandchild. She

called me frequently providing medical advice, attempting to find out when I

would start trying again, and trying be sympathetic. She went as far as

creating two imaginary miscarriages in her efforts to be empathetic. I told her

that I wanted time to heal and that I wanted to take a break from talking about

my miscarriages. She took this as rejection and pressured my father to call me

and send me emails, telling me that I needed to be more supportive of her and

more understanding of what she was going through. That week, I learned that my

suspected miscarriage was actually an ectopic pregnancy. My Aunt happened to

call that day and I confided to her my frustration with my mother's behavior.

Later, my mother talked to my Aunt. My Aunt told her to give me some space.

That evening, my mother called me in a fury because I had made her look bad in

front of her sister. Pushed to my limit, I confronted her about her petty,

self-centered behavior. I told her that she had no right to be angry at me in

this situation and that her behavior was entirely out of bounds. I informed her

that I was dealing with a potentially life-threatening condition, with serious

repercussions for my future chances of being a mother and I had a right to deal

with my feelings as I saw fit. In her way, my mother does love me and I don't

believe she means to cause the damage she does. She stopped mid-tirade and

while I didn't get an apology, she did begin to show concern. Since that day I

have not had to experience one of my mother's tirades, or even one of my

father's lectures about how I should treat my mother.

At the same time, tirades are not the only weapon in my mother's arsenal. Her

reports of our interactions bear little resemblance to the events as I remember

them. Since I live in another state, I miss many family get-togethers and later

learn that my mother has been talking about me. I am frustrated that my

siblings believe her stories so readily when they are aware of her distorted

view of reality. Although my siblings often revise their opinions when they here

my side of events, my relationships with my siblings, especially with my

sisters, are often strained. Usually, I avoid sharing intimate details of my

life, for fear that a sibling will share a detail with mom that will provoke a

reaction from mom(mom is amazingly good at getting information out of her

children). Occasionally, conversations revolve around complaints about mom. As

a result, many of our conversations are superficial in nature and most are

unsatisfying.

I want to figure out how to have healthy relationships with my non-BP family

members (ones that don't revolve around constant commiseration) while still

maintaining boundaries with my BP mother. I now have a 7 month old son and

would like him to enjoy aunts, uncles and extended family without putting him at

risk from my mother. Has anyone else experienced difficulty in finding this

balance? Has anyone found strategies that work?