Re: Question about my Dish Rag dad.

[Guest guest]

Cluster B personality disorders don't have hard and fast edges

between them. It seems common for people to have a grab bag of

symptoms that aren't all one or another of them. He may have

both NPD and BPD, or something that kind of falls in the middle.

Some of what you describe here definitely fits BPD, some fits

NPD. They overlap a lot. I think he could have NPD without

wanting to control you. It depends on whether controlling you

fits in with his other goals. And by the way, I'd consider

shutting you out and failing to give you information as a form

of controlling you too, at least from his point of view.

When it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter much which

personality disorder he has. The techniques for dealing with

people who have BPD and NPD are much the same.

At 09:33 AM 08/03/2010 elora_jade wrote:

>On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still

>waiting on admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked

>if a BPD could be married to another BPD.

>

>But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this

> condition fit him, but much doesnt.

>

>Some of the things that he has done:

>

>Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40

>minutes away). You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of

>his attention seeking?

>Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he

>announced " he'd 6 feet under " when I asked how he was.

>Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she

>was still alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think

>this was a big deal.

>Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified

>as to why.

>Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

>Thrives in drama.

>Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers

>attempt on my life that I had to go back to her. He said " one

>day you'll make a choice between your child and your partner " .

>He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6 months.

>

>These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was

>growing up, preferring the company of his girlfriends instead.

>When I did see him, it was all about him and his relationships.

>He made and broke so many promises I cannot even count.

>

>He put his step sons through university, they lived with them

>for free. When I was homeless for a few months I asked to live

>with him and he told me that it would be $400 a month.

>

>Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you

>think he'd want to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that

>I admire and love him constantly?

>

>Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and

>there I am desperately seeking his love and approval for the

>last 36 years (no more though!).

>

>He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if

>I don't send him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all

>hell breaks loose. Otherwise I never hear a word.

>

>In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and

>when I told him that I'd send pictures of my youngests

>birthday, most recent accident and her gluten/dairy free

>cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

>GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get

>the damn pictures.

>

>I never know how their health is, I've asked and get

>stonewalled. We never receive invites to their family

>functions. We never hear whats going on on " his " side of the

>family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

>I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit

>for not wanting to relay any information about OUR family to

>them. Why should I? People who care about each other are

>supposed to share right?

>

>Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But

>then I look at my husbands side of the family, who are all

>normal. Who are loving and actually WANT to spend time with us,

>call us and be involved and I think, well if I was nuts, I

>think they'd tell me.

>

>So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical

>dishrag dad?

>

>Any insight is greatly appreciated.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Cluster B personality disorders don't have hard and fast edges

between them. It seems common for people to have a grab bag of

symptoms that aren't all one or another of them. He may have

both NPD and BPD, or something that kind of falls in the middle.

Some of what you describe here definitely fits BPD, some fits

NPD. They overlap a lot. I think he could have NPD without

wanting to control you. It depends on whether controlling you

fits in with his other goals. And by the way, I'd consider

shutting you out and failing to give you information as a form

of controlling you too, at least from his point of view.

When it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter much which

personality disorder he has. The techniques for dealing with

people who have BPD and NPD are much the same.

At 09:33 AM 08/03/2010 elora_jade wrote:

>On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still

>waiting on admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked

>if a BPD could be married to another BPD.

>

>But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this

> condition fit him, but much doesnt.

>

>Some of the things that he has done:

>

>Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40

>minutes away). You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of

>his attention seeking?

>Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he

>announced " he'd 6 feet under " when I asked how he was.

>Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she

>was still alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think

>this was a big deal.

>Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified

>as to why.

>Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

>Thrives in drama.

>Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers

>attempt on my life that I had to go back to her. He said " one

>day you'll make a choice between your child and your partner " .

>He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6 months.

>

>These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was

>growing up, preferring the company of his girlfriends instead.

>When I did see him, it was all about him and his relationships.

>He made and broke so many promises I cannot even count.

>

>He put his step sons through university, they lived with them

>for free. When I was homeless for a few months I asked to live

>with him and he told me that it would be $400 a month.

>

>Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you

>think he'd want to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that

>I admire and love him constantly?

>

>Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and

>there I am desperately seeking his love and approval for the

>last 36 years (no more though!).

>

>He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if

>I don't send him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all

>hell breaks loose. Otherwise I never hear a word.

>

>In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and

>when I told him that I'd send pictures of my youngests

>birthday, most recent accident and her gluten/dairy free

>cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

>GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get

>the damn pictures.

>

>I never know how their health is, I've asked and get

>stonewalled. We never receive invites to their family

>functions. We never hear whats going on on " his " side of the

>family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

>I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit

>for not wanting to relay any information about OUR family to

>them. Why should I? People who care about each other are

>supposed to share right?

>

>Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But

>then I look at my husbands side of the family, who are all

>normal. Who are loving and actually WANT to spend time with us,

>call us and be involved and I think, well if I was nuts, I

>think they'd tell me.

>

>So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical

>dishrag dad?

>

>Any insight is greatly appreciated.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Cluster B personality disorders don't have hard and fast edges

between them. It seems common for people to have a grab bag of

symptoms that aren't all one or another of them. He may have

both NPD and BPD, or something that kind of falls in the middle.

Some of what you describe here definitely fits BPD, some fits

NPD. They overlap a lot. I think he could have NPD without

wanting to control you. It depends on whether controlling you

fits in with his other goals. And by the way, I'd consider

shutting you out and failing to give you information as a form

of controlling you too, at least from his point of view.

When it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter much which

personality disorder he has. The techniques for dealing with

people who have BPD and NPD are much the same.

At 09:33 AM 08/03/2010 elora_jade wrote:

>On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still

>waiting on admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked

>if a BPD could be married to another BPD.

>

>But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this

> condition fit him, but much doesnt.

>

>Some of the things that he has done:

>

>Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40

>minutes away). You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of

>his attention seeking?

>Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he

>announced " he'd 6 feet under " when I asked how he was.

>Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she

>was still alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think

>this was a big deal.

>Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified

>as to why.

>Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

>Thrives in drama.

>Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers

>attempt on my life that I had to go back to her. He said " one

>day you'll make a choice between your child and your partner " .

>He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6 months.

>

>These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was

>growing up, preferring the company of his girlfriends instead.

>When I did see him, it was all about him and his relationships.

>He made and broke so many promises I cannot even count.

>

>He put his step sons through university, they lived with them

>for free. When I was homeless for a few months I asked to live

>with him and he told me that it would be $400 a month.

>

>Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you

>think he'd want to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that

>I admire and love him constantly?

>

>Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and

>there I am desperately seeking his love and approval for the

>last 36 years (no more though!).

>

>He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if

>I don't send him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all

>hell breaks loose. Otherwise I never hear a word.

>

>In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and

>when I told him that I'd send pictures of my youngests

>birthday, most recent accident and her gluten/dairy free

>cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

>GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get

>the damn pictures.

>

>I never know how their health is, I've asked and get

>stonewalled. We never receive invites to their family

>functions. We never hear whats going on on " his " side of the

>family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

>I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit

>for not wanting to relay any information about OUR family to

>them. Why should I? People who care about each other are

>supposed to share right?

>

>Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But

>then I look at my husbands side of the family, who are all

>normal. Who are loving and actually WANT to spend time with us,

>call us and be involved and I think, well if I was nuts, I

>think they'd tell me.

>

>So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical

>dishrag dad?

>

>Any insight is greatly appreciated.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I gained a lot of insight by reading a three-part article called " Personality

Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships "

by Dr ph M Carver, PhD.

Here's the link:

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/inde\

x.html

Dr. Carver discusses the main characteristics of the " Cluster B " personality

disorders individually and as a group, because there is some overlap between

histrionic pd, borderline pd, narcissistic pd and antisocial pd, the 4 pds

classified as " Cluster B " , and because its not uncommon for an individual to

have more than one mental illness or personality disorder at the same time.

That's called having a " co-morbidity. " (My mother has borderline pd, but she

also has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well, plus a smattering of

histrionic and antisocial pd traits. In addition, my mother shows traits of

obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression.)

The four pds within " Cluster B " all share the trait of " acting out " their

dysfunction (directing abuse at other people, in addition to or instead of

directing abuse at themselves) and being " dramatic, emotional, and erratic. "

In my opinion having a precise label for an individual isn't as important as the

ability to simply recognize that, " Hey, that's emotional abuse that he's

flinging at me! " or " Wow, she's trying to manipulate me again! " or " Amazing;

that is such a subtle, passive-aggressive, indirect way to 'get me back' " , and

gaining the ability & skills to deal with the situation in the moment as

effectively as possible.

-Annie

>

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be married

to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit him,

but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes away).

You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced " he'd 6

feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on my

life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a choice between

your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6

months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it was

all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many promises I cannot

even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free. When I

was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told me that it

would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd want

to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't send

him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose. Otherwise

I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told him

that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident and her

gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get the damn

pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on " his "

side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not wanting

to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I? People who care

about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at my

husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and actually

WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think, well if I was

nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

I gained a lot of insight by reading a three-part article called " Personality

Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships "

by Dr ph M Carver, PhD.

Here's the link:

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/inde\

x.html

Dr. Carver discusses the main characteristics of the " Cluster B " personality

disorders individually and as a group, because there is some overlap between

histrionic pd, borderline pd, narcissistic pd and antisocial pd, the 4 pds

classified as " Cluster B " , and because its not uncommon for an individual to

have more than one mental illness or personality disorder at the same time.

That's called having a " co-morbidity. " (My mother has borderline pd, but she

also has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well, plus a smattering of

histrionic and antisocial pd traits. In addition, my mother shows traits of

obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression.)

The four pds within " Cluster B " all share the trait of " acting out " their

dysfunction (directing abuse at other people, in addition to or instead of

directing abuse at themselves) and being " dramatic, emotional, and erratic. "

In my opinion having a precise label for an individual isn't as important as the

ability to simply recognize that, " Hey, that's emotional abuse that he's

flinging at me! " or " Wow, she's trying to manipulate me again! " or " Amazing;

that is such a subtle, passive-aggressive, indirect way to 'get me back' " , and

gaining the ability & skills to deal with the situation in the moment as

effectively as possible.

-Annie

>

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be married

to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit him,

but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes away).

You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced " he'd 6

feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on my

life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a choice between

your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6

months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it was

all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many promises I cannot

even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free. When I

was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told me that it

would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd want

to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't send

him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose. Otherwise

I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told him

that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident and her

gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get the damn

pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on " his "

side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not wanting

to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I? People who care

about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at my

husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and actually

WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think, well if I was

nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

I gained a lot of insight by reading a three-part article called " Personality

Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships "

by Dr ph M Carver, PhD.

Here's the link:

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/inde\

x.html

Dr. Carver discusses the main characteristics of the " Cluster B " personality

disorders individually and as a group, because there is some overlap between

histrionic pd, borderline pd, narcissistic pd and antisocial pd, the 4 pds

classified as " Cluster B " , and because its not uncommon for an individual to

have more than one mental illness or personality disorder at the same time.

That's called having a " co-morbidity. " (My mother has borderline pd, but she

also has a lot of narcissistic pd traits as well, plus a smattering of

histrionic and antisocial pd traits. In addition, my mother shows traits of

obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression.)

The four pds within " Cluster B " all share the trait of " acting out " their

dysfunction (directing abuse at other people, in addition to or instead of

directing abuse at themselves) and being " dramatic, emotional, and erratic. "

In my opinion having a precise label for an individual isn't as important as the

ability to simply recognize that, " Hey, that's emotional abuse that he's

flinging at me! " or " Wow, she's trying to manipulate me again! " or " Amazing;

that is such a subtle, passive-aggressive, indirect way to 'get me back' " , and

gaining the ability & skills to deal with the situation in the moment as

effectively as possible.

-Annie

>

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be married

to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit him,

but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes away).

You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced " he'd 6

feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on my

life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a choice between

your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6

months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it was

all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many promises I cannot

even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free. When I

was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told me that it

would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd want

to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't send

him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose. Otherwise

I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told him

that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident and her

gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get the damn

pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on " his "

side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not wanting

to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I? People who care

about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at my

husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and actually

WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think, well if I was

nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

it's hard to say about your dad...he sounds more than just a dish rag

dad...he has to have BPD or NP or something wrong with him..he is not

normal...my nada is BPD, but NP as well...and she has enough people to

control in her life to satisfy her cravings, so does whatever mean thing she

can to " punish " me for not being her slave...

Jackie

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

> admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be

> married to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit

> him, but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes

> away). You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention

> seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced

> " he'd 6 feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

> alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on

> my life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a

> choice between your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada

> monster for all of 6 months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

> preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it

> was all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many

> promises I cannot even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free.

> When I was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told

> me that it would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd

> want to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

> constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

> desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

> though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't

> send him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose.

> Otherwise I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told

> him that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident

> and her gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and

> why we HAD a GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't

> get the damn pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

> receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on

> " his " side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not

> wanting to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I?

> People who care about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at

> my husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and

> actually WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think,

> well if I was nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

my dad has both NPD traits and BPD traits. There just seems to be a certain

level of grandiosity that is outlined in the NPD criteria that fit my dad really

well. And then there is the BPD stuff that is actually prototypically (or I

should say stereotypically) feminine behavior that falls more in borderline).

They can be co-morbid, or existing in the same person at the same time. From

your description, you are definitely not 'making it up' if that's what you fear,

there definitely seems to be second-guessing in your post. A whole lot of hugs,

it took me until my late 30's to see it and stop believing I was that 'heartsick

little girl' that couldn't grow up. I literally had to move back home to see it

though. You are NOT the problem. It's just hard when they have not been

diagnosed and probably never will be because the loophole for self-doubt never

closes.

>

> Annie - Thanks for the link, I will definately bookmark it to read and

re-read.

>

> I do agree that the issue isn't as much as having a precise label, I think

it's the realization that he isn't normal. That I'm not the damaged one (well,

you know what I mean).

>

> It honestly never even occured to me, in fact I tended to see him as a victim

for a long time. I really needed this " a-ha " moment because I've been able to

process and deal with the other people in my life with a PD, but have never been

able to move past the " heartsick little girl who just wants her daddy to love

her " stage with my father. I think with this knowledge, and with the help I've

gotten here, I'll finally be able to do that. It's really liberating.

>

> Now, I just need to learn the skills I need to recognize when he's being

abusive and learn how to deal with him effectively.

>

[Guest guest]

my dad has both NPD traits and BPD traits. There just seems to be a certain

level of grandiosity that is outlined in the NPD criteria that fit my dad really

well. And then there is the BPD stuff that is actually prototypically (or I

should say stereotypically) feminine behavior that falls more in borderline).

They can be co-morbid, or existing in the same person at the same time. From

your description, you are definitely not 'making it up' if that's what you fear,

there definitely seems to be second-guessing in your post. A whole lot of hugs,

it took me until my late 30's to see it and stop believing I was that 'heartsick

little girl' that couldn't grow up. I literally had to move back home to see it

though. You are NOT the problem. It's just hard when they have not been

diagnosed and probably never will be because the loophole for self-doubt never

closes.

>

> Annie - Thanks for the link, I will definately bookmark it to read and

re-read.

>

> I do agree that the issue isn't as much as having a precise label, I think

it's the realization that he isn't normal. That I'm not the damaged one (well,

you know what I mean).

>

> It honestly never even occured to me, in fact I tended to see him as a victim

for a long time. I really needed this " a-ha " moment because I've been able to

process and deal with the other people in my life with a PD, but have never been

able to move past the " heartsick little girl who just wants her daddy to love

her " stage with my father. I think with this knowledge, and with the help I've

gotten here, I'll finally be able to do that. It's really liberating.

>

> Now, I just need to learn the skills I need to recognize when he's being

abusive and learn how to deal with him effectively.

>

[Guest guest]

my dad has both NPD traits and BPD traits. There just seems to be a certain

level of grandiosity that is outlined in the NPD criteria that fit my dad really

well. And then there is the BPD stuff that is actually prototypically (or I

should say stereotypically) feminine behavior that falls more in borderline).

They can be co-morbid, or existing in the same person at the same time. From

your description, you are definitely not 'making it up' if that's what you fear,

there definitely seems to be second-guessing in your post. A whole lot of hugs,

it took me until my late 30's to see it and stop believing I was that 'heartsick

little girl' that couldn't grow up. I literally had to move back home to see it

though. You are NOT the problem. It's just hard when they have not been

diagnosed and probably never will be because the loophole for self-doubt never

closes.

>

> Annie - Thanks for the link, I will definately bookmark it to read and

re-read.

>

> I do agree that the issue isn't as much as having a precise label, I think

it's the realization that he isn't normal. That I'm not the damaged one (well,

you know what I mean).

>

> It honestly never even occured to me, in fact I tended to see him as a victim

for a long time. I really needed this " a-ha " moment because I've been able to

process and deal with the other people in my life with a PD, but have never been

able to move past the " heartsick little girl who just wants her daddy to love

her " stage with my father. I think with this knowledge, and with the help I've

gotten here, I'll finally be able to do that. It's really liberating.

>

> Now, I just need to learn the skills I need to recognize when he's being

abusive and learn how to deal with him effectively.

>

[Guest guest]

holy freaking cow, that is moving to the top of my sick list, telling a child

'one day you'll make a choice between your child and your partner'. Good grief.

He definitely DOESN'T seem like a stereotypical 'dishrag dad'. He seems like a

Personality Disordered father. Hugs.

>

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be married

to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit him,

but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes away).

You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced " he'd 6

feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on my

life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a choice between

your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6

months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it was

all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many promises I cannot

even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free. When I

was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told me that it

would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd want

to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't send

him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose. Otherwise

I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told him

that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident and her

gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get the damn

pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on " his "

side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not wanting

to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I? People who care

about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at my

husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and actually

WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think, well if I was

nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

holy freaking cow, that is moving to the top of my sick list, telling a child

'one day you'll make a choice between your child and your partner'. Good grief.

He definitely DOESN'T seem like a stereotypical 'dishrag dad'. He seems like a

Personality Disordered father. Hugs.

>

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be married

to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit him,

but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes away).

You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced " he'd 6

feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on my

life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a choice between

your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6

months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it was

all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many promises I cannot

even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free. When I

was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told me that it

would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd want

to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't send

him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose. Otherwise

I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told him

that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident and her

gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get the damn

pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on " his "

side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not wanting

to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I? People who care

about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at my

husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and actually

WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think, well if I was

nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>

[Guest guest]

holy freaking cow, that is moving to the top of my sick list, telling a child

'one day you'll make a choice between your child and your partner'. Good grief.

He definitely DOESN'T seem like a stereotypical 'dishrag dad'. He seems like a

Personality Disordered father. Hugs.

>

> On another post it was suggested that he may have NPD (still waiting on

admission to ask this on the NPD board) when I asked if a BPD could be married

to another BPD.

>

> But something has been bothering me.

>

> From what I've read about NPD, many of the aspects of this condition fit him,

but much doesnt.

>

> Some of the things that he has done:

>

> Not invited me to his wedding (I was 13 or so living about 40 minutes away).

You'd think that he'd want me there? As part of his attention seeking?

> Didn't tell me that his father died until christmas when he announced " he'd 6

feet under " when I asked how he was.

> Told me his grandmother was dead, when she wasnt. Found out she was still

alive when I was 19 or 20. He didn't seem to think this was a big deal.

> Cut his sisters out of his life completely. They're mystified as to why.

> Never makes an effort to come see his grandkids.

> Thrives in drama.

> Told me when I was 12, and was living with him after my mothers attempt on my

life that I had to go back to her. He said " one day you'll make a choice between

your child and your partner " . He had known my now-step-nada monster for all of 6

months.

>

> These are just the highlights. He was never around when I was growing up,

preferring the company of his girlfriends instead. When I did see him, it was

all about him and his relationships. He made and broke so many promises I cannot

even count.

>

> He put his step sons through university, they lived with them for free. When I

was homeless for a few months I asked to live with him and he told me that it

would be $400 a month.

>

> Now, some of that sounds NPDish, but if he had NPD, don't you think he'd want

to be in my life, to control me, to ensure that I admire and love him

constantly?

>

> Instead, I feel like he's always kept me at arms length, and there I am

desperately seeking his love and approval for the last 36 years (no more

though!).

>

> He makes no effort to see, talk or get to know my kids, yet if I don't send

him a picture or thank you on their birthdays, all hell breaks loose. Otherwise

I never hear a word.

>

> In fact, he got mad at me because I didn't send an e-mail, and when I told him

that I'd send pictures of my youngests birthday, most recent accident and her

gluten/dairy free cake....he never even asked what happened and why we HAD a

GF/DF cake. All he cared about was the fact that he didn't get the damn

pictures.

>

> I never know how their health is, I've asked and get stonewalled. We never

receive invites to their family functions. We never hear whats going on on " his "

side of the family (aka, his wife and step sons and their families).

>

> I feel like a complete outcast, but at the same time get shit for not wanting

to relay any information about OUR family to them. Why should I? People who care

about each other are supposed to share right?

>

> Oy. It really makes me wonder if I'm the fucked up one. But then I look at my

husbands side of the family, who are all normal. Who are loving and actually

WANT to spend time with us, call us and be involved and I think, well if I was

nuts, I think they'd tell me.

>

> So, does he sound like he has BPD or NPD or an a-typical dishrag dad?

>

> Any insight is greatly appreciated.

>