Re: got you till age six/unfit to parent

August 12, 2010

Lol,, " illogical,immature and whiny " sums up my fada quite

nicely.Unfortunately for him he went to his grave indulging a perpetual pity

party so he never did get that Ph.D.Like you pointed out,he had plenty of time

and opportunity to pursue it,but we're talking about crazy people here,so...and

crazy people who took the easy way out of challenges every time and in my case

the easy way out that they took was blaming me.Both of them: everything that has

gone wrong in our lives is 's fault.

I couldn't agree with you more when you say: " Responsible adults take

paths that will provide the best environment and opportunities for our kids " .

The keywords there being " responsible " and " adult " .With the adult as

the adult and the kid as the kid.With the burden of responsibility placed where

it belongs--in the choices the adult makes as a parent.

There's more backstory to fada's " if we hadn't had to buy that house

lament " but it all boils down to so much personality disordered,cognitively

distorted nonsense.Nothing that fada or nada believed about my supposed

" ruining " of their lives by being born makes logical sense,but again,we're

talking about crazy people.I was the first born and it seems quite clear that

having a child was the first time in their lives that they had to actually be

*responsible* for someone and that was simply too much for both of them.They

both seemed to believe that if only my existence could be magically undone that

they could both go back in time to how they were before my birth when they both

perceived themselves as cool and great and wonderful.Having a baby brought their

own inadequacies to the fore but since neither of them could bear for a second

to see themselves as less than awesome,I had to be the villain.

The sheer negativity of PD parents/people is just SO inimical to

healthy child rearing or indeed to a healthy life.They actually got a pretty

good deal with that house: it was a nice three bedroom in a good neighborhood

that my paternal grandmother owned outright and " sold " to them privately at a

way below market value price with the understanding that they were just starting

out and if for some reason they had to miss a mortgage payment,they'd simply owe

her for the next time.They didn't have to worry about the bank or a mortgage

lending company at all.I think that most young couples would be glad to have the

chance to start establishing equity with some of the financial pressure off of

them in this way.But nada raged and griped that she hated the town the house was

in and apparently wept hysterical tears about it on a daily basis after they

moved in.

Their idea of " planning for a baby " was nada going off her birth

control pills because her two best girlfriends were already on their second kids

and she was being left out of the " mommy party " .That was it.They were living in

a rented apartment when she got pregnant with me and hadn't even bothered to

tally up their finances beforehand to make sure they would cover baby

expenses.At that point,like you said,my fada had a choice: Let his mother step

in to save their asses OR step up to the plate and be a man and figure something

out.Since he was incapable of the latter,he opted for the former.But since he

couldn't deal with himself for having to be bailed out by his own mother,he

blamed me for being born instead.And since he couldn't admit to himself that his

wife had serious mental problems,he blamed me for them instead: Why nada was

just fine before that baby was born and of course nada reinforced that notion by

blaming me for making her so upset and miserable,a vicious cycle.

These types of people are just so unfit to be parents they really

shouldn't be allowed to have children at all.This blaming of my existence for

all of their failures and problems traumatized me for years because it took many

forms beyond just the house/Ph.D issue.

I don't have children myself but I do have a precious dog,a

responsibility I take seriously and that I took on willingly knowing having a

dog was going to require some lifestyle adjustments.I have a friend who is

planning on going on a Caribbean cruise this fall and who would like me to go

with him.What fun we'd have! I'd love to kick back on some Caribbean beach...but

I can't bring my pup with me and I wouldn't board her for an entire week even

with her regular pet sitter because an entire week would be too much for her,I

suspect.Plus I wouldn't have such a great time on the cruise worrying that my

baby is unhappy or stressed because she doesn't understand what's going on.I'm

also hoping to relocate at some point in the future and every place I've

considered I've done with the needs of my dog uppermost in my mind: when we

first arrive,can I afford to rent a place with a yard for her; are there dog

friendly places for us to walk and run in; will I be able to hire a good pet

sitter in this location to take her out every work day at noon,etc.

Thoughts like: If it wasn't for that damned dog I could just swan off

to London or Sydney tomorrow,she's holding me back from what I want to do...Or:

If it wasn't for that damned dog I could be lounging in a hammock on a beach in

Aruba come October...don't even occur to me because I took on the responsibility

of having a dog of my own volition and now I have to deal with what that means

for both of us.I can't even imagine resenting her and despising her simply for

existing--that's insane.But that is what my parents did to me.They were both

insane.

See,what you said in your post is balanced and healthy: " It also

doesn't mean that,absent his existence,I'd have the talent,stamina or aptitude

to live any of my fantasy lives. "

Right on! Personal accountability is the way of true freedom.And to me

that is also the key to escaping from the prison of being someone else's sick

fantasy (my parents')who locked me in there with their irresponsibility and

blame-gaming--by owning accountability for the choices *I* make.Which I think is

where the compassion fits best: in giving it to ourselves; I can be

compassionate towards my self AND be accountable for my choices at the same

time.Using your example: I can know that I might have been a rock star while

knowing at the same time that since I chose otherwise (to be a parent which in

my circumstances was incompatible with chasing the rock star dream),I also have

enough compassion for myself to recognize that even had I chosen not to be a

parent,I might not have actually had the talent,stamina or aptitude to *be* a

rock star and I can accept that without blaming others or myself--OR-- by

denying my own personal accountability for the decision I did make to be a

parent by resenting others for my own choice and accusing them of destroying my

rock star dream--emphasis here on CHOSEN situations in adulthood since as far as

I know none of us CHOSE the developmental damage of being raised by a BPD

parent,so that's a whole other subject...THAT is why my fada never got his PH.D:

he was too busy blaming me and too distracted by fantasies of what he was SURE

was his untapped awesome potential that my existence was holding him back from

accessing for him to ever actually get around to even applying to grad

school.About a month before he died,he brought the Ph.D subject up yet again and

how not getting his Ph.D was his biggest regret.I asked him why he hadn't

applied to grad school since he was bragging to me that his professor was

begging him to do so (when he got his Master's degree).He grumbled, " If *you*

hadn't been so difficult and if *you* weren't making your mother so miserable,I

could have left her alone long enough to go to class but *you* made that

impossible.And if we hadn't had to buy that house because you were born.. " When

I said that they would have been better off not having me,he said, " That isn't

what I meant... " Well,I guess they did need me as a handy scapegoat.There's such

a world of difference between self pity and compassion for oneself,isn't there?!

Because self pity stunts into inaction and compassion leads to growth...

My PD parents never knew what compassion really is or what

accountability really is and it seems to me that it would be pretty near

impossible to be a decent parent without either of those in balanced

measure--everything you said in your post about being a parent is what that

balanced measure is.Because if we have no sense of personal accountability and

no sense of compassion for ourselves,how can we possibly give those to our

children?

Sorry this got so long~but thank you for your thoughts--they helped to

clarify mine.

>

> -

>

> What struck me about your dad's " if we hadn't bought the house... " lament is

how illogical, immature, and whiny it is.

>

> If he was on track for a Ph.D., the act of buying a house and having a child

wouldn't put a stop to it - a delay, maybe, but not a full stop. A lot of

people with doctorates earned them while living responsible adult lives (i.e.,

creating families, taking on adult burdens, paying bills). Your birth wasn't

the sole deciding factor. True, many parents (mostly moms) put their own

desires on hold while raising kids. But that isn't the whole story, and the

childrearing years are usually only one part of an adult's lifespan.

>

> As a parent I can confirm that we do make choices. Responsible adults take

paths that will provide the best environment and opportunities for our kids.

It's what parents do. We put our kids' well-being in front of what would be

convenient or desirable for us. Therefore, I am not writing brilliant poetry in

a romantic garret overlooking the boulevards of Paris. I am not a rock star. I

am not conducting field archaeology studies in Mexico. I decided that my son's

well-being and education had to come first - that doesn't make any of my " roads

not taken " his fault. It also doesn't mean that, absent his existence, I'd have

the talent, stamina, or aptitude to live any of my fantasy lives.

>

> And once he's grown and out of the house, any excuses for me to sit home and

whine will evaporate. I'd say the same is true for your dad. I know we are all

trying to be compassionate, but on this one count, he just needs to cowboy up

and get over it. He had a kid and had to pay bills - so what? You're all grown

up, so if he wants to study - and has the aptitude to achieve a Ph.D. - there's

been nothing stopping him for a few years now.

>

August 12, 2010

I agree with you, , regarding the whole issue of parenting by those who

have severe personality disorders and other mental illnesses.

Its like, if you were going to operate a daycare center, would you hire someone

who displays constant low-grade irritability with the children and babies,

someone who triggers into extreme and inappropriate rage when the children get

noisy or messy, and begins slapping the kids around while screaming unprintable

verbal abuse at them in red-faced hysteria? (bpd diagnostic criteria #8)

How about hiring someone who is extremely impulsive and might just decide to

drive into town and get herself a latte in the middle of the afternoon, leaving

the infants and preschoolers alone and unsupervised? Or someone who makes your

little daycare clients sit still in their chairs for 6 hours straight without

talking or moving, so that she can nap in the lounge all day? (criteria #4, and

depression.)

How about hiring someone who treats all the little boys in your daycare center

as angelic golden children and treats all the little girls like garbage,

encourages the little boys to hit and kick the girls, and laughs while they do

it? And then tells the little girls to shut up or she'll give them something to

really cry about? (criteria #2 and #8)

How about hiring someone who has rapid mood swings (criteria #6) and becomes so

depressed that she starts slicing her thigh with a knife in front of the

children one morning? (criteria #5) Or how about hiring someone who cries

hysterically and clutches the children to her when their mothers arrive to pick

them up at the end of the day, sobbing that her babies are being taken away from

her, making the little ones frightened and confused? (criteria #1)

How about hiring someone who is very, very easily stressed and tends to

dissociate under extreme stress, who believes that the children hate her, are

saying cruel, mean, rejecting things to her (even the infants) and they are all

plotting together to get her fired? (criteria #9)

Or... how about hiring someone who decides to target one of the little children

at your daycare for sadistic emotional and physical torture and ritual

humiliation, telling the poor terrified preschooler that if she tells anyone, Ms

Teacher will give her to the orphan home and she'll never see her parents again?

(criteria #2, or possibly psychopathic pd)

Of course nobody would hire such shockingly disturbed individuals as daycare

workers, or nannies, or au pairs, or teachers. Hopefully.

So why do individuals who exhibit these and similarly disturbed, dysfunctional,

dangerous behaviors and traits get to raise their own children?

Something is wrong with this picture!

-Annie

>

> Lol,, " illogical,immature and whiny " sums up my fada quite