Re: Frustrated. Period. Why can't I do better?

August 12, 2010

Hmm, this is a weird issue. Nada painted me black and pretty much told dad

she didn't want to raise me the day she brought me home from the hospital

after I was born. So dad raised me instead. She had very little to do with

me, other than the rages, inappropriate behavior etc. But she was pretty

enmeshed with my bada, who she wanted for herself.

So I don't know how that shook out. I've always been kind of an over

acheiver, always the first to say yes to a project, good grades, tons of

extra curricular stuff, and I " m trying to work on my people pleaser habits -

but do I do well? No, I don't think I do well. I have read that often the

split bad child has a better chance at life because they are less enmeshed.

But I really have no idea. I guess we are all different.

>

> <<<<<<<Joy>>>>>>>>

> am sending you huge hugs.

>

> I was like your sister, the favored, golden child my parents, most

> effusively my father, fussed over and always said to my brother, " why can't

> you be more like your sister? " I still feel that burden of guilt at being

> more (demonstratively) loved than my brother.

>

> It's such a cruel thing to do, to blatantly favor one child over others.

> For me, it was cruel, because I've never gotten the image of him on the

> outside out of my mind.

>

> I still feel a bit responsible for him. He struggles as well.

>

> Please don't be hard on yourself. And, though it's easier said than done,

> please try not to compare yourself to your sister. She may have her own

> private struggles and issues that she hides well, even though her successes

> may look effortless.

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone.

> >

> > I'm frustrated right now because I've noticed that my sister, even though

> she's grown up in the same house I have with the same Nada is doing much

> better than I am. Luckily, she moved out early which I'm sure helped. She

> also is able to go on many trips and she has an active social life and her

> finances seem to be in order; and she has had a loving, nurturing bf for 3

> going on 4 years now and they are both very happy with eachother. No

> dysfunction or codependency that I see.

> >

> > She also works part time as a manager--almost full time. She also goes to

> school full-time and finishes all her homework quickly and has time left

> over for her social endeavors. She never had trouble voicing her opinion,

> standing up for herself, or being assertive. That is often my downfall. :/

> >

> > I am happy for her, yet I feel bad about msyelf because I feel like I've

> struggled so to get to where I am. I still do not have a good social support

> system ( I feel). I'm still working on it. I just broke off another budding

> (yet dysfunctional) relationship...why again? I made another mistake. I am

> struggling with my finances and I just barely missed getting taken advantage

> of at work ( I stood up for myself). I also feel like I can never juggle my

> social and work time. I also have trouble finding ppl to go out with.

> >

> > I look at other factors tho: my sister was more or less the golden child

> most of her life. I was often the scapegoat. Her education was fully paid

> for as was her car. Mine was not. Her computer was paid for.. I had to buy

> my own. Her insurance is paid for. Mine was not.

> >

> > She spent her early years in a somewhat stable household ( I did

> not--lived in a volatile abusive home til I was 7 and we moved in w my

> grandparents right when she was born). That could have something to do with

> it.

> >

> > I don't really know. All I know is I'm trying my best and I'm just not

> there yet. Gotta keep climbing. Has anyone else been frustrated about a

> similar difference between them and their siblings? It makes me have low

> self esteem when I have these thoughts. Esp. the dysfunctional relationship

> part. That part sucks. I just got out of one.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

August 12, 2010

Hmm, this is a weird issue. Nada painted me black and pretty much told dad

she didn't want to raise me the day she brought me home from the hospital

after I was born. So dad raised me instead. She had very little to do with

me, other than the rages, inappropriate behavior etc. But she was pretty

enmeshed with my bada, who she wanted for herself.

So I don't know how that shook out. I've always been kind of an over

acheiver, always the first to say yes to a project, good grades, tons of

extra curricular stuff, and I " m trying to work on my people pleaser habits -

but do I do well? No, I don't think I do well. I have read that often the

split bad child has a better chance at life because they are less enmeshed.

But I really have no idea. I guess we are all different.

>

> <<<<<<<Joy>>>>>>>>

> am sending you huge hugs.

>

> I was like your sister, the favored, golden child my parents, most

> effusively my father, fussed over and always said to my brother, " why can't

> you be more like your sister? " I still feel that burden of guilt at being

> more (demonstratively) loved than my brother.

>

> It's such a cruel thing to do, to blatantly favor one child over others.

> For me, it was cruel, because I've never gotten the image of him on the

> outside out of my mind.

>

> I still feel a bit responsible for him. He struggles as well.

>

> Please don't be hard on yourself. And, though it's easier said than done,

> please try not to compare yourself to your sister. She may have her own

> private struggles and issues that she hides well, even though her successes

> may look effortless.

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone.

> >

> > I'm frustrated right now because I've noticed that my sister, even though

> she's grown up in the same house I have with the same Nada is doing much

> better than I am. Luckily, she moved out early which I'm sure helped. She

> also is able to go on many trips and she has an active social life and her

> finances seem to be in order; and she has had a loving, nurturing bf for 3

> going on 4 years now and they are both very happy with eachother. No

> dysfunction or codependency that I see.

> >

> > She also works part time as a manager--almost full time. She also goes to

> school full-time and finishes all her homework quickly and has time left

> over for her social endeavors. She never had trouble voicing her opinion,

> standing up for herself, or being assertive. That is often my downfall. :/

> >

> > I am happy for her, yet I feel bad about msyelf because I feel like I've

> struggled so to get to where I am. I still do not have a good social support

> system ( I feel). I'm still working on it. I just broke off another budding

> (yet dysfunctional) relationship...why again? I made another mistake. I am

> struggling with my finances and I just barely missed getting taken advantage

> of at work ( I stood up for myself). I also feel like I can never juggle my

> social and work time. I also have trouble finding ppl to go out with.

> >

> > I look at other factors tho: my sister was more or less the golden child

> most of her life. I was often the scapegoat. Her education was fully paid

> for as was her car. Mine was not. Her computer was paid for.. I had to buy

> my own. Her insurance is paid for. Mine was not.

> >

> > She spent her early years in a somewhat stable household ( I did

> not--lived in a volatile abusive home til I was 7 and we moved in w my

> grandparents right when she was born). That could have something to do with

> it.

> >

> > I don't really know. All I know is I'm trying my best and I'm just not

> there yet. Gotta keep climbing. Has anyone else been frustrated about a

> similar difference between them and their siblings? It makes me have low

> self esteem when I have these thoughts. Esp. the dysfunctional relationship

> part. That part sucks. I just got out of one.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

August 12, 2010

Hmm, this is a weird issue. Nada painted me black and pretty much told dad

she didn't want to raise me the day she brought me home from the hospital

after I was born. So dad raised me instead. She had very little to do with

me, other than the rages, inappropriate behavior etc. But she was pretty

enmeshed with my bada, who she wanted for herself.

So I don't know how that shook out. I've always been kind of an over

acheiver, always the first to say yes to a project, good grades, tons of

extra curricular stuff, and I " m trying to work on my people pleaser habits -

but do I do well? No, I don't think I do well. I have read that often the

split bad child has a better chance at life because they are less enmeshed.

But I really have no idea. I guess we are all different.

>

> <<<<<<<Joy>>>>>>>>

> am sending you huge hugs.

>

> I was like your sister, the favored, golden child my parents, most

> effusively my father, fussed over and always said to my brother, " why can't

> you be more like your sister? " I still feel that burden of guilt at being

> more (demonstratively) loved than my brother.

>

> It's such a cruel thing to do, to blatantly favor one child over others.

> For me, it was cruel, because I've never gotten the image of him on the

> outside out of my mind.

>

> I still feel a bit responsible for him. He struggles as well.

>

> Please don't be hard on yourself. And, though it's easier said than done,

> please try not to compare yourself to your sister. She may have her own

> private struggles and issues that she hides well, even though her successes

> may look effortless.

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone.

> >

> > I'm frustrated right now because I've noticed that my sister, even though

> she's grown up in the same house I have with the same Nada is doing much

> better than I am. Luckily, she moved out early which I'm sure helped. She

> also is able to go on many trips and she has an active social life and her

> finances seem to be in order; and she has had a loving, nurturing bf for 3

> going on 4 years now and they are both very happy with eachother. No

> dysfunction or codependency that I see.

> >

> > She also works part time as a manager--almost full time. She also goes to

> school full-time and finishes all her homework quickly and has time left

> over for her social endeavors. She never had trouble voicing her opinion,

> standing up for herself, or being assertive. That is often my downfall. :/

> >

> > I am happy for her, yet I feel bad about msyelf because I feel like I've

> struggled so to get to where I am. I still do not have a good social support

> system ( I feel). I'm still working on it. I just broke off another budding

> (yet dysfunctional) relationship...why again? I made another mistake. I am

> struggling with my finances and I just barely missed getting taken advantage

> of at work ( I stood up for myself). I also feel like I can never juggle my

> social and work time. I also have trouble finding ppl to go out with.

> >

> > I look at other factors tho: my sister was more or less the golden child

> most of her life. I was often the scapegoat. Her education was fully paid

> for as was her car. Mine was not. Her computer was paid for.. I had to buy

> my own. Her insurance is paid for. Mine was not.

> >

> > She spent her early years in a somewhat stable household ( I did

> not--lived in a volatile abusive home til I was 7 and we moved in w my

> grandparents right when she was born). That could have something to do with

> it.

> >

> > I don't really know. All I know is I'm trying my best and I'm just not

> there yet. Gotta keep climbing. Has anyone else been frustrated about a

> similar difference between them and their siblings? It makes me have low

> self esteem when I have these thoughts. Esp. the dysfunctional relationship

> part. That part sucks. I just got out of one.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

August 12, 2010

Hate to say it, but when you start your life deep, deep in debt, there's a big

reason for a lot of problems right there. Not social problems necessarily, but

people who aren't dragging tens of thousands of dollars in debt behind them

because they got their education paid for or their medical bills paid for or

whatever are light years ahead of the rest of us, and we will never catch up.

Or at least I will never catch up. I'm planning on spending my " golden years "

on the street with a little tin cup...

August 17, 2010

You can't compare yourself with the " good " child...if you do, you are only

repeating your mother's behavior towards you...you have to only compare your

progress to your own prior progress and give yourself credit for every little

improvement because the little improvements grow into bigger and bigger ones,

like rolling a snowball bigger. Frame it differently = you had the sense to

break off a relationship that wasn't working instead of victimizing yourself by

continuing on with it...you recognized earlier that it wasn't working than you

ever had before...you are supporting yourself well given the tools you had to do

it...keep building, comparisons of splitted children serve no purpose but

self-inflicted pain...

>

> Hi Everyone.

>

> I'm frustrated right now because I've noticed that my sister, even though

she's grown up in the same house I have with the same Nada is doing much better

than I am. Luckily, she moved out early which I'm sure helped. She also is able

to go on many trips and she has an active social life and her finances seem to

be in order; and she has had a loving, nurturing bf for 3 going on 4 years now

and they are both very happy with eachother. No dysfunction or codependency that

I see.

>

> She also works part time as a manager--almost full time. She also goes to

school full-time and finishes all her homework quickly and has time left over

for her social endeavors. She never had trouble voicing her opinion, standing up

for herself, or being assertive. That is often my downfall. :/

>

> I am happy for her, yet I feel bad about msyelf because I feel like I've

struggled so to get to where I am. I still do not have a good social support

system ( I feel). I'm still working on it. I just broke off another budding (yet

dysfunctional) relationship...why again? I made another mistake. I am struggling

with my finances and I just barely missed getting taken advantage of at work ( I

stood up for myself). I also feel like I can never juggle my social and work

time. I also have trouble finding ppl to go out with.

>

> I look at other factors tho: my sister was more or less the golden child most

of her life. I was often the scapegoat. Her education was fully paid for as was

her car. Mine was not. Her computer was paid for.. I had to buy my own. Her

insurance is paid for. Mine was not.

>

> She spent her early years in a somewhat stable household ( I did not--lived in

a volatile abusive home til I was 7 and we moved in w my grandparents right when

she was born). That could have something to do with it.

>

> I don't really know. All I know is I'm trying my best and I'm just not there

yet. Gotta keep climbing. Has anyone else been frustrated about a similar

difference between them and their siblings? It makes me have low self esteem

when I have these thoughts. Esp. the dysfunctional relationship part. That part

sucks. I just got out of one.

>

> Joy

>

August 17, 2010