Guest guest Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 MY, Gut wrenching irrational fear - and we are adults! At least we are now aware of this. Today I was going to go visit my mother in the nursing home, and I just couldn't do it. I was half-dressed, lay down on the bed and thought about it for a long time. Finally I got up, changed back into shorts, and told DH and DD that I wasn't going because of a feeling of dread. DD, who is 26 and well aware of how crazy her grandmother is, said: Mom, you were abused. If somebody sexually abused you would you feel compelled to visit? Would you want to? Well you were emotionally abused and it is just as bad. She's right of course, and it alleviated the guilt part of the FOG. I can always go tomorrow - maybe. In a message dated 7/8/2010 1:36:06 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, mgrowingup@... writes: Em, It is encouraging to know that others are strongly affected by their BPD mothers even when they aren't necessarily being horrible. " Shattered " is a good description of it. I feel sick to my stomach, at times my vision blurs or seems strange, I feel my heart racing - and these are just the physical manifestations I've become aware of. I wonder if part of it for me is that I am constantly ready for her to do or say something horrible - she is highly unpredictable and I'm constantly vigilant when I am with her or talking to her. In any case, so many of my reactions seem to be so automatic and outside of my conscious control, that I figure there has got to be a reason(s) that I have these automatic reactions - I must have had enough negative experiences with her that I have an automatic fear response to her even though I am now 41 years old and I rationally probably don't need to be afraid. Though I am well aware that she is still dangerous and can be quite vicious, so wariness at the very least is, I feel, necessary. Thanks, MY > > > MY, > > I truly understand what you are saying. Just spending time around my > mother, even when she didn't do anything or say anything horrible, > somehow put me into a state of anxiety and depression, not to mention > mental confusion and fuzziness. > Now she's in the nursing home and her mind is gone, along with most of > the bpd behaviors, yet I am what I describe as " shattered " after even > a short visit. > A coping mechanism I use is to come home and immediately strip off my > clothes and put them in the laundry, and shower. Her energy is still > so negative that being with her makes me feel grubby. She has sticky > chi. > Psychologically and spiritually, I feel as if I am washing away her > hold on my emotional state when I do this. > Amazing, isn't it, how our rational minds can understand that it's > them, not us, yet they still affect us this way? > > Em > > Sent from my blueberry. > > > On Jul 6, 2010, at 11:52 PM, MY <mgrowingup@...<mgrowingup%40gmail.com>> > wrote: > > > We just spent the weekend with nada when we had not seen her for six > > months. > > Due to her declining health and the day to day BPD stuff, I was > > really not > > looking forward to this trip. The trip was actually OK all things > > considered > > - bumps but no explosions or major things. This was in part because > > nada is > > doing fairly poorly healthwise and has trouble just being awake - > > she is > > less offensive and ornery when she has these periods where she is > > barely > > functioning/awake partly because she is awake a lot less. > > > > In spite of an OK visit, I was aware of feeling anxious pretty much > > the > > entire time we were visiting. When we are at home 300 miles from > > nada I've > > begun to be more aware when I am anxious and can usually know why or > > what is > > causing me to be anxious. Over the weekend at nada's I could not > > attach the > > anxiety to anything specific an event or anticipated event etc. I > > was just > > generally anxious without really knowing why. > > > > As we drove home today, I literally felt the stress and anxiety > > being shed > > from me the further away from her hometown we got - until I was > > feeling > > pretty darn good by the time we got home. I'm so very grateful for 300 > > miles, but I find it amazing that being near/with her still has this > > strong > > of an effect on me even when she is somewhat neutralized by poor > > health. > > I've not noticed feeling so anxious the whole time during past > > visits - > > though maybe I was but I was just not as aware of it as I am now. > > > > I wish she had less of an effect on me and I think I've made some > > progress, > > but obviously have a long way to go. > > > > MY > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.Yahoo! Groups Links Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Oh, yeah, the nursing home's chi is beyond sticky. It's really horrible! I don't think it's nutty at all to feel chi - it's just that some people tend to be more tuned in and aware that they are sensing it. I believe most people have had the experience of saying or thinking " you could have cut the air with a knife " when they are in a place with bad atmosphere, such as after an argument. And nadas generate a LOT of bad atmosphere, lol. In a message dated 7/8/2010 3:14:39 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, climberkayak@... writes: Em, your post really helped me feel less nutty. After phone calls I often do smudging with sage and shamanic rattling to shake off the " sticky chi " you are talking about. It does help, but occasionally I feel pretty silly. Oh also nursing homes themselves (and hospitals) tend to have some sticky chi anyway even if there's no nada involved. > > MY, > > I truly understand what you are saying. Just spending time around my > mother, even when she didn't do anything or say anything horrible, > somehow put me into a state of anxiety and depression, not to mention > mental confusion and fuzziness. > Now she's in the nursing home and her mind is gone, along with most of > the bpd behaviors, yet I am what I describe as " shattered " after even > a short visit. > A coping mechanism I use is to come home and immediately strip off my > clothes and put them in the laundry, and shower. Her energy is still > so negative that being with her makes me feel grubby. She has sticky > chi. > Psychologically and spiritually, I feel as if I am washing away her > hold on my emotional state when I do this. > Amazing, isn't it, how our rational minds can understand that it's > them, not us, yet they still affect us this way? > > Em > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.