keeping my mouth shut

[Guest guest]

This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN

It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow

solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore

of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many

of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again,

even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it

is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role

as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that

I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself

from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair

because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was

wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to

drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face,

calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never

apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I

wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry

in the first place.

So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share

nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique

shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to

remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past,

and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for

ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth

that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know

what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me

young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship

with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it

is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself

included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone

through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is

constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me

through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the

cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance

counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the

police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw

a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus

music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a

person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and

pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and

say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel

vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much

too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is

impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being

compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle.

Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that she

needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is

cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style,

she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by

my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told

her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she

said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that.

Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to

reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the

Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with

most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing

a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about

loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is

a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ

housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell

at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she

pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely

defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks

down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath.

I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the

good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and

bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself.

I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I

always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and

she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what

set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I

told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I

offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he

has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and

don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now

in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past,

call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my

problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored.

She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out,

then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't

respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I

should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I

shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin)

because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which

means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore

backstabbing and disloyal.

The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with me,

A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she always

manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe she

wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking

compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened

Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. "

What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's

not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in

complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane

because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and

expecting different results.

She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the

one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And

she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk

like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip

out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to.

I keep answering her phone calls.

My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing

old alone and disabled.

But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over

what happened.

I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my

personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever

letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with

her.

I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics that

make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with

someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through

the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my

family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I

want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that

I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing

with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly

calling to fight.

And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, and

the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, and

also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me.

Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. And

the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. The

best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait

until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not

fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she

feels used.

So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so

guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our

relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It

seems like those are my only two options.