Re: Bullied by my Sister and Mother as an adult man.

August 18, 2010

Hi ,

I too just read posts sometimes, participate sometimes and withdraw again as I

need to. There's no right or wrong about your needs in this regard. Each

person has their own individual tolerance for participating and then needing to

withdraw and digest things, gain personal insight, or just take a breather. Its

OK.

My own personal take on your situation (and this is just my opinion to take or

leave as it suits you) is that you are enmeshed with your mother and sister. I

think that if you can start to focus your time and attention on people and

things outside of your foo (family of origin) you will gain the means to

gradually and safely emotionally detach more from your mom and sis, who appear

to be rather blatantly abusive toward you.

You need to not need them so much, is my take on this. And I suggest that the

way to do that is to develop your own circle of friends and your own interests.

But, like I said, that's just my take on it. Everyone has to figure out what

works best for himself or herself; we are individuals with individual needs and

time-lines and tolerances. And that's OK.

I will also suggest to you that temporary No Contact can be beneficial. Its

like taking a time out to sort out your own feelings and thoughts; like going on

a retreat to the mountains or to the shore, communing with nature and figuring

out what you need and want in your life. Its not wrong or mean or evil to just

take a time out from your foo.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I am not sure how to start this, for I have joined a while ago, but have not

written or really read anything. I was on daily strength and talked a bit, and

than just stopped. I do not know why, it seems I go through rhythms.

>

> I was told by two therapists, that my mother has BPD, and that my sister has

it too, from living with her for so long. My sister just moved out last year

after Christmas, and she is 35 years old with two children. ly, I have

talked to my therapist, and they keep telling me to set my boundaries with my

mother and sister, but when I do they punish me, or turn it around and act like

they are setting boundaries with me. I swear, in a majority of aspects they seem

to have merged the same type of personality. They are different, but the same.

it is weird. maybe this what BPD is? They both act with a rigid fakeness towards

the outside world and people, and act like nothing is wrong, and they are happy

in many ways. As soon as this outer world ends, it is hours, and hours of

negative gossip about those people. My sister keeps me on the phone complaining

about everyone and everything, and if I make any kind of remark, or try to get

of the phone, she gets very angry at me. my mother does similar things.

>

> Ok I think maybe i am going on a tangent, sorry. I just do not know where to

start. OK let me say this. Both my mother and sister are big bullies. As i said,

both my therapists have taught me ways to set my boundaries when they become

abusive, but it ends up hurting me tremendously. I can not even politely say do

not wish to argue about this anymore, before they become extremely angry and

punish me socially. i have a nephew and niece form my sister that she uses as

pawns in this game.

>

> When I try to avoid confrontation, they say I am ignoring them, or they

socially isolate me. They can not physical hurt me, except I was arrested

because of my mother's lies and manipulation. I can tell that story later, but I

am permanently disabled and in pain, cause I have nerve damage in both of my

legs from being in jail. They also bully me about that as well. maybe from

guilt?

>

> The best way I can explain this is from one exchange in written form between

and my sister. it started from me talking about someone making an Egyptian

Pyramid for VBS, and we got into a stupid argument over what one was, and before

that it was in person, and she was yelling at me, saying constantly that I was

interrupting her, so I actually did not say much in person. I did argue at

first, but felt tired of the same old, and I did say some things, that probably

hurt her feelings, but that was not my intention, for I was just tired of her

yelling at me all of the time, and wanted to try to get her to stop, but how?

>

> I said, " You said, " I do not want to argue. " but continue to do so, even after

the fact by sending me this. This is continuing the argument. You use the " I do

not want to argue. " not because you do not want to argue, but to try to shut the

other person up so you can continue to argue unimpeded and be right.

>

> When I say I do not want to argue, I actually mean it, and do not continue it,

like when you started talking about having happy thoughts and things will work

out for you. I felt we came to an impasse, and it was not the point of me being

right, when I said I did not want to argue about it anymore, and to leave it

alone. Did I continue to try to argue my point, or find fact based articles etc,

even though you went on to put down my beliefs and went on to put down the

Bible, when it was not even part of the debate? When I said I did not want to

argue several times, and did not do so, you got very angry, and became abusive

and bullying. I said I did not want to argue, and did not continue, but you did,

cause you could not leave it at we agree to disagree. You needed to be right and

became bullying and putting me down, the same way Mom argues or debates.

>

> Even the interruption thing is a crock. It would be different if you did not

take over most conversations and interrupt others, but how can you get angry,

about me or anyone else interrupting you, when you do the same thing very

frequently.

>

> I know I have a strong personality, and tend to take over conversations and

interrupt a lot, and at least I admit it. I do not deny that, but I also do not

react like you and Mom, and pout, and/or yell at the person about interrupting,

or raising your voice in an aggressive manner. This is actually not normal, and

you learned this from Mom, for no one else that I have ever talked to reacts in

this way. I interrupt them, they interrupt me, and I do not make a huge petty

deal out of it. I know I go on, and do not get upset when interrupted. A

conversation is not suppose to be a Monologue, and is a give and take

communication.

>

> One thing I do get upset about which you do quite often, is when someone is

talking to me, or I them, and I am saying something like a story, you will

completely stop me mid sentence and tell your own story. It upsets me, but I

never say anything, cause it would just wind up into a stupid petty argument, so

I let it go.

>

> I have said this before, and I am not saying this to be mean or to put you

down, but you have lived with Mom for too long and have picked up her bad

habits, such as what I was just talking about. ly, you do not have to admit

it to me, I do not care, but if you sincerely want to change for yourself and be

a better person, and get rid of the bad influences that you have learned from

Mom, you really need to look in the mirror.

>

> I am far from perfect, and thus do not tell me this or that, for I actually,

for my whole life have worked on myself, and continue to go to therapy, church,

Freemasonry etc. This is all to help me be a better person. Even in the past I

have went to AA and other group therapy programs. If you want to be petty and

pick out my flaws, and not look at the how I do struggle and have changed a lot,

so be it. For it is more about you than me, thus many times I purposely do not

look as much for you or Mom's approval anymore, because of the constant

negativity and put downs. I seek it from others.

>

> I do have to admit, it seems you are taking a bit more interest in my

activities, and am not sure what that means, and I do thank you for that, for I

was extremely hurt that neither you or Mom wanted anything to do with coming to

my Baptism or my Church Membership induction, which were very important events

for me. Instead you became negative, and told me that I did not need to be a

member, and I explained to you, that I did, for I did not just want to go to

church, but to be a participant and volunteer.

>

> Oh well, I am sure nothing will come of this. I would hope so, but have to

deal with it the best I can. "

>

> She said, " See you always want to play the victim and bring up bullying. LOL

(My Name) please if any one is a bully it is you with your long ass on and on

and on tantrums of victimization just like had pointed out to you.

Everyone bullies you poor (My Name). I never once yelled at you or was

disrespectful so now we are into lying right (My Name)? Does that make you feel

better to come up with your fantasy version of the truth? And you are the one

who wouldn't leave it alone after I said that you were wrong a pyramid can have

a base of a triangle and you said no it cannot. I said I am not going to argue

with you about it and you proceeded with saying you were going to prove your

point and send me an article. You can try all you want but yes a PYRAMID can

have a base with just 3 sides point blank. Even so you still try to argue about

it LOL.

>

> As for you being baptized...you never told me when it was. The only time you

mentioned it was when you were thinking about it and asked my opinion. Thinking

and doing is two separate things. Of course I would have been there and have

supported you. But just because you are part of the church does not mean I am or

need to be. You tend to push your church or quote the bible to me so yes you do

push your church on me knowing I do not believe in that religion or their ways.

Even your VBS you kept it up when I tried to tell you I wasn't that interested

in a nice way but it wasn't good enough for you. You had to go behind my back

and try to get the kids interested so they could bug me to go.

>

> I do not participate in your church as much as the Masons due to it being

religious based and on things I do not believe in. If the Masons did the same

thing or I seen you trying to preach to me about their beliefs then I would stop

going to those as well. I try to be supportive of you cause I know Mom or Mel

doesn't go to any of those things. If you didn't want me to go I wouldn't be

hurt by it. Obviously I'm not going for myself and I could be doing something

else instead.

>

> By the way did (Younger sister name) go to your Baptism? Or to your award

ceremony? Or to the VBS? Cause it seems you just keep bringing up me and MOM.

(My Name) just cause you are part of something doesn't mean everyone else has to

be too. "

>

> I said, "

> You have just proven my point (Sister Name). You are bullying me in the worst

way, and I am sorry that you are like this. I blame Mom for teaching you this.

>

> You wanted nothing to do with my Lodge because of some paranoid myth, just

like Mom before. You were actually worse than Mom, and pretty much screamed at

me when we talked about it. Why all of sudden the change of heart? I am

suspicious of you wanting to participate all of a sudden out of the blue, and

you are suppose to go for a combination of partly me and you, not just me. Going

to the picnics are for you and family, not just me. It is just an event that I

thought we could have fun with family, that is all. There was nothing

technically Masonic about it. So if that is the reason why you are going, than I

will not talk to you about it anymore and stop inviting you.

>

> You have gone out of your way to put me down, and become very disrespectful

towards me. I feel very hurt by many of the things you have said, specially in

siding with when what he said those awful things to me, which had

nothing to do with what was said or the subject. It was a complete out of the

blue putdown, specially when I was defending someone else that was being

bullied, not myself? I told you how I felt, and you put me down for it, or

instead try to spread the blame somewhere else. I will not continue to argue or

debate this any further, when you are being abusive towards me. It is too

hurtful, and it was not my intention to trade insults, and/or putdowns. I have

asked you to stop yelling at me, and instead you justify your abuse. This is to

hurtful for me, and nothing will come out of this, so I will not continue. "

>

> She said, " Ok I am being abusive and bullying you for saying what I feel which

by the way never called you names or disrespected you. LOL (My Name) seriously

live in reality. Until you can stop accusing people of bullying you or abusing

you then I really have nothing further to say to you. You really need to stop

with that...it's getting quite embarrassing how you exaggerate and lie to make

yourself feel better and accuse the whole family of bullying you. You have gone

to great lengths to accuse basically the whole family. (My Name) I feel bad you

feel this way and hope you come to the realization that you are falsely accusing

people all around you. "

>

> She said, " By the way I'm not a Mason therefore I was not going for me like

you said I should want to. I was going only for you and if you think that was

wrong well then oh well I guess I will not support you and will not be attending

anymore of your functions. Also again where the hell do get off by saying I was

yelling at you about joining the Masons? Never happened LOL again is this to

make you feel better by creating a false situation in your head? I may have been

uninterested because again....I am not a Mason and again.....you act like

everyone should be involved in anything you join and if we are not interested

.....Well we will be accused of yelling at you, bullying you, being unsupportive,

among other things you have said like you are doing right now. "

>

> She said, " And if you recall....everytime you invite me to a Mason function,

the first thing I ask is...is it important in someway for you or are you getting

promoted to a new position etc....otherwise I do not go. "

>

> I said, " (Sister Name) please stop. Now you are not just bullying, but now you

have crossed over to harassing me, and now trying to punish me. Please just

stop. "

>

> She said, " Wow look up the term bully (My Name) you are abusing the word way

tooo much. Do not write me or call me anymore I am done. "

>

> I wanted to argue every thing she said wrong, but I said to myself what is the

point, for she will believe it her way. it hurts that many of the things she has

said, did not happen, did happen, or whatever. I could of, but did not and just

said i wanted to stop. i have asked her to stop in person, before and she would

yell at me. i think she does it so much, she does not realize she is doing

it,for when she is,and I ask her to stop, she says she is not yelling, or she

says if I do not like it i can leave etc, or socially isolates me. Setting my

boundaries only makes them bully me more and mock me. my mother says the same

thing, like poor, poor (My Name) is the victim. They are both very aggressive.

>

> I told my therapist what is the point, what is, is what is and nothing will

ever change, and just want to get away from them, and wished they had no

children,so it would be easier. i have arguments with my younger sister, but she

is not bully like them. She wants to get away from them also, but some of it is

a co-dependent relationship with my mother helping out just enough to have that

control.

>

> I do not know what is the point of even trying to be a better person, when I

feel the betterI am the worse they get and try to hold me back, like they are

jealous or something.

>

August 18, 2010

Hi , welcome to the group! Most of all your accounts of the dialog with

your mother and sister to me show the futility of your engaging with them in

these discussions. These aren't people who are going to have a rational fair

discussion with you. The goal should be to reach a point where your sister or

mother can say some crazy thing or rude thing, and you can just say " Whatever "

and hang up or change the subject without a second thought. Now I hear you

these people sound like they have ways of retaliating, so the " whatever "

approach could be dangerous but might help if you are neutral enough. And of

course doing everything you can to remove any dependency of any kind you might

have on them is essential as they'll likely use that.

It sounds like really good moves on your part to be involved in your church and

Freemasons. I was once on a board for people with bad social anxiety and one of

the biggest success stories that I ever saw there was from a man who joined the

Freemasons. Creating a group identity and sense of belonging that can help you

transcend your group identity as a member of your family is key. That's a

homework item for me to do too

be well,

julie