Re: Nada and Terrorism

[Guest guest]

I think of the term " united front " when I think of one parent being over-the-top

and the other just doing nothing. I have seen a parent who is generally kind

and fair stand by and watch their spouse say mean things to their kids.

I think there was a real push for parents to back one another up for the sake of

consistency. Unfortunately, this meant that really, really bad behavior was

essentially " ignored " .

I don't think it is necessarily that the other parent didn't disagree with the

treatment, but more that they didn't want to DISagree in front of the children.

Also, some of these nadas are such stellar victims, that the daddy always

protects her. It may be that was a part of his attraction to nada when they

met: he could be her rescuer. She needed a strong man. So no matter how crappy

she is being, the father always buys her side. This is most certainly what my

father did.

Also, in my parents' generation (they are 65), there was very much a message of

" children should be seen and not heard " and children were not thought of a

separate beings. And therapy? Most people thought that was crap too, so not

much thought was given to one's mental development. Look good for the

neighbors. Get good grades. Be respectful. You're hurting? Tough shit. Suck

it up. Daddy's been sucking it up forever, so you can too.

Several cultural things all coming together to make it so bad/crazy moms get a

free pass. Like Sybil's mom got a free pass.

Deanna

>

> The topic of the enabling dad's mood paralleling the nada's mood got me to

thinking about my own situation.

>

> My dad would usually just leave the house when nada would escalate her

carping, critical attacks, but sometimes she'd succeed in goading him into

defending himself and fighting back (verbally only, he never hit anybody).

Listening to them yelling at each other was stressful for Sister and me. We'd

leave the house if we could, go play at a friends house, or shut our doors to

try and ignore it. After dad retired from work, though, he was stuck at home

24-7 with his wife and ended up drinking himself to death in rather short order.

>

> Yet, he was very consistent in his defense of nada in relation to us kids. I

can count only three times in my entire life that my dad intervened in one of my

nada's screaming, out-of-control tirades of rage against me. Granted, she

usually indulged in these outrageous fits of anger when he wasn't around, but he

saw enough of them to know how she treated us and usually did nothing.

>

> All I can guess is that he was clueless as to how deeply damaging being

emotionally and physically abused is to a child. He, as a fellow adult in a

chosen relationship, was on a equal power level with his wife. He could

physically leave when she became abusive. He could hit her back (although he

never did) but bottom line: although the emotional abuse she inflicted was very

stressful for him (it was upsetting, angering, hurtful and ego-deflating) it was

*not traumatizing*. Not terrifying: he had the power/status/ability to defend

himself.

>

> However, my Sister and I as children were in a totally, abjectly powerless

position, unable to face down our abuser and make her stop. I have no doubt

that to even have attempted such a act would have enraged nada to the point of

doing us life-threatening physical injury or even gotten us killed. We as

little children were literally at the mercy of a mentally ill, out-of-control

adult who had dissociated and had the power of life or death over us.

>

> The nearest equivalent would be finding yourself alone, but suddenly

confronted by another adult who is enraged at you and waving a loaded gun at

you, threatening to pump you full of bullets. The sheer terror and trauma level

is that high for a child at the mercy of an enraged adult (particularly when

that adult has demonstrated countless times that she will beat the crap out of

you even if she chooses not to kill you.)

>

> No wonder both Sister and I grew up with many symptoms of Post Traumatic

Stress Disorder (and with repressed, unexpressed rage ourselves over the

injustice.) We grew up in the equivalent of a war zone where a terrorist attack

could happen at any moment.

>

> -Annie

>