Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Tarang, it's hard to deeply accept that a nada is how she is. Sometimes I still beat myself up for slipping up and forgetting - telling her something she shouldn't be trusted with or looking for support on something trivial. My nada has her own strange expectations of what I'm supposed to say (like your mother's haircut), odd things that exist in her mind that I find out after I miss the beat. Like today I found out that I'm supposed to make sure to acknowledge and praise her thank you notes. LOL. It's such a *gift* to me for her to write it you know. But my question for you is how do you tell she is dissociating? I have long wondered about this when she just sits and kind of stares without interacting sometimes. I guess she could be lost in thought but I always found it odd. Is that what you are seeing? > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 my nada would be furious if she had her hair done and the rest of us didn't rave at how wonderful she looked Jackie >I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for >not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my >will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute >later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has >some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also >seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's >never been to a psychiatrist. > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she > wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like > that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that > hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy > goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and > then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and > rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it > seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers > it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to > vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long > time. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 my nada would be furious if she had her hair done and the rest of us didn't rave at how wonderful she looked Jackie >I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for >not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my >will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute >later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has >some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also >seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's >never been to a psychiatrist. > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she > wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like > that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that > hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy > goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and > then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and > rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it > seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers > it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to > vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long > time. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 my nada would be furious if she had her hair done and the rest of us didn't rave at how wonderful she looked Jackie >I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for >not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my >will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute >later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has >some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also >seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's >never been to a psychiatrist. > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she > wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like > that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that > hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy > goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and > then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and > rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it > seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers > it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to > vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long > time. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Hey Tarang, No apologies for venting!! That's why we're here! with mine, it's not raging about her looks not being noticed, it's about not being asked enough about her day, her job, etc. > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 No need to apologize for venting, here! That's why Groups like this are so wonderful and so needed: its a place where we can share and vent to other people who totally " get it " because we've been raised by mentally ill parents too. I know exactly what you mean. I am in Very Low Contact with my elderly nada now, but when I am in contact with her she expects to be lavishly complimented on how well she looks and how nicely she is dressed, etc., and if she doesn't get sufficient compliments and attention she can turn pouty, sulky, or even nasty and vindictive. I'm not sure if that behavior is more related to borderline pd or narcissistic pd. My nada has been diagnosed with bpd on two different occasions, but I personally think she has a lot of npd traits as well, enough of them to consider npd a co-morbidity. My nada has always been a very high-functioning Queen/Witch, and now as an elderly person she has started displaying a lot of Waif traits as well. My nada also does that thing of becoming disconnected from what's being said to her; I think its because she becomes easily bored if the topic of conversation is about someone or something other than herself or something she is very interested in. Her conversational style tends to either be " The Monologue " in which she will talk nonstop for about 20 minutes straight about herself and what she and her friends and our relatives have been doing, or " The Interrogation " in which she asks me rapid-fire questions about what I've been doing lately. Neither of these I consider normal, adult back-and-forth, give-and-take conversations, and neither is very enjoyable. I think my nada has never been capable of perceiving me as a separate, unique individual or as an adult, and so she still talks " at " me instead of " with " me as though I am just an object or a child. I also think this is unlikely to change, as she is in her 80's now. -Annie > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 No need to apologize for venting, here! That's why Groups like this are so wonderful and so needed: its a place where we can share and vent to other people who totally " get it " because we've been raised by mentally ill parents too. I know exactly what you mean. I am in Very Low Contact with my elderly nada now, but when I am in contact with her she expects to be lavishly complimented on how well she looks and how nicely she is dressed, etc., and if she doesn't get sufficient compliments and attention she can turn pouty, sulky, or even nasty and vindictive. I'm not sure if that behavior is more related to borderline pd or narcissistic pd. My nada has been diagnosed with bpd on two different occasions, but I personally think she has a lot of npd traits as well, enough of them to consider npd a co-morbidity. My nada has always been a very high-functioning Queen/Witch, and now as an elderly person she has started displaying a lot of Waif traits as well. My nada also does that thing of becoming disconnected from what's being said to her; I think its because she becomes easily bored if the topic of conversation is about someone or something other than herself or something she is very interested in. Her conversational style tends to either be " The Monologue " in which she will talk nonstop for about 20 minutes straight about herself and what she and her friends and our relatives have been doing, or " The Interrogation " in which she asks me rapid-fire questions about what I've been doing lately. Neither of these I consider normal, adult back-and-forth, give-and-take conversations, and neither is very enjoyable. I think my nada has never been capable of perceiving me as a separate, unique individual or as an adult, and so she still talks " at " me instead of " with " me as though I am just an object or a child. I also think this is unlikely to change, as she is in her 80's now. -Annie > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Tarang, thanks for sharing about this it's very strange indeed. There have been times that my nada would say I made her nervous too. She would be (for no reason I knew) radiating anger, I'd be looking at her even asking what was wrong trying to preempt something and she'd deny anything was wrong, want me to stop looking at her because I was " making her nervous " . Of course hours or days later, she'd explode at me over whatever the eff it was. That was one of the worst parts of my childhood the waiting for that, especially if I had to be in a car with her for long trips while this was happening. Something else you touched on that makes me think is that I notice in my FOO in general that they feel no obligation to interact. They'll zone out (dissociate?) stare off while you are sitting in the same room but when I'd try to just leave and do something else I was being " anti-social " . Going out to eat at restaurants is even weirder they barely talk at all and have these unhappy expressions - it nearly gives the waitstaff a nervous breakdown. But the taking turns monologuing is a conversation tactic they have also especially on the phone. And you are right - God help us all indeed. > > > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > > > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Tarang, thanks for sharing about this it's very strange indeed. There have been times that my nada would say I made her nervous too. She would be (for no reason I knew) radiating anger, I'd be looking at her even asking what was wrong trying to preempt something and she'd deny anything was wrong, want me to stop looking at her because I was " making her nervous " . Of course hours or days later, she'd explode at me over whatever the eff it was. That was one of the worst parts of my childhood the waiting for that, especially if I had to be in a car with her for long trips while this was happening. Something else you touched on that makes me think is that I notice in my FOO in general that they feel no obligation to interact. They'll zone out (dissociate?) stare off while you are sitting in the same room but when I'd try to just leave and do something else I was being " anti-social " . Going out to eat at restaurants is even weirder they barely talk at all and have these unhappy expressions - it nearly gives the waitstaff a nervous breakdown. But the taking turns monologuing is a conversation tactic they have also especially on the phone. And you are right - God help us all indeed. > > > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > > > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Tarang, thanks for sharing about this it's very strange indeed. There have been times that my nada would say I made her nervous too. She would be (for no reason I knew) radiating anger, I'd be looking at her even asking what was wrong trying to preempt something and she'd deny anything was wrong, want me to stop looking at her because I was " making her nervous " . Of course hours or days later, she'd explode at me over whatever the eff it was. That was one of the worst parts of my childhood the waiting for that, especially if I had to be in a car with her for long trips while this was happening. Something else you touched on that makes me think is that I notice in my FOO in general that they feel no obligation to interact. They'll zone out (dissociate?) stare off while you are sitting in the same room but when I'd try to just leave and do something else I was being " anti-social " . Going out to eat at restaurants is even weirder they barely talk at all and have these unhappy expressions - it nearly gives the waitstaff a nervous breakdown. But the taking turns monologuing is a conversation tactic they have also especially on the phone. And you are right - God help us all indeed. > > > > > > I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced her nada being mad for not been praised for her beauty !!!!. I went to see my nada today not on my will but did anyways and first she was so happy and less than a minute later she switched to be so disconnected. This is so weired. My dad has some kind of dissociation too cause when I was talking to him he also seemed disconnected in some sort. He's never been diagnosed cause he's never been to a psychiatrist. > > > Here's the thing. Nada had done her hair today and I'm pretty sure she wanted me to say Wow!!!! look at you. How good you look and stuff like that but I was so tired and preoccupied to tend to my child. I guess that hurt or pissed her off or who knows what !!!!. Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy goshhhhhhhhh.... I'm not her " MOM " . She's totally fine for a while and then she switches to the dark side ( dissociation, anger, sadness and rage ). She wants to communicate with me so badly but when I'm there it seems that she gets possessed by all her negative emotions. What triggers it. Who knows and it's not rational anyways !!!!!!!! Sorry guys I had to vent and I'm so dissapointed for being sad cause I've known her for a long time. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 my nada is " bored " when I talk about things she's not interested in..so she either talks louder, over me, and changes the subject or just gets up and walks away while I'm talking !! she'd go into a rage if I was ever that rude to her ! Jackie > Annie, another thing I've realized but I had forgotten about it was what > you said about your nada getting bored when you talk about things she's > not interested. My nada is same. She feels ignored and " disrespected " . Go > figure ! > My counsellor had mentioned that since my nada acts normal for a long time > and then for god knows what reason she strikes back, then it's much more > challenging for me to handle her. > Oh, I wish she just get abducted by aliens !!!!! hehehe. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 my nada is " bored " when I talk about things she's not interested in..so she either talks louder, over me, and changes the subject or just gets up and walks away while I'm talking !! she'd go into a rage if I was ever that rude to her ! Jackie > Annie, another thing I've realized but I had forgotten about it was what > you said about your nada getting bored when you talk about things she's > not interested. My nada is same. She feels ignored and " disrespected " . Go > figure ! > My counsellor had mentioned that since my nada acts normal for a long time > and then for god knows what reason she strikes back, then it's much more > challenging for me to handle her. > Oh, I wish she just get abducted by aliens !!!!! hehehe. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 My nada would cycle in and out of nice " Dr Jekyll " and mean " Mr Hyde " moods, also. Sometimes she'd act normal, stable and kindly like a regular mom, but then she'd become increasingly easily irritated, nervous and hyper-critical, then she'd explode into a rage at us. Other times, she'd trigger into a rage as suddenly as lighting from a clear blue sky with no warning at all. It made my little Sister and me very anxious, nervous, jittery children; we never knew if we were about to " step on a land mine " at our house. And yes, like you mentioned the delayed hostile, revengeful behavior from nada is very, very difficult to handle. I haven't been here at the Group for a long stretch, but I think that I posted this link to " The Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers " before a while back, so I'll post the link again below. I think a lot of my nada's behaviors are more due to a co-morbidity of narcissistic pd than borderline pd, which in the book " Understanding The Borderline Mother " makes her a " Queen " . http://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/ -Annie > > Annie, another thing I've realized but I had forgotten about it was what you said about your nada getting bored when you talk about things she's not interested. My nada is same. She feels ignored and " disrespected " . Go figure ! > My counsellor had mentioned that since my nada acts normal for a long time and then for god knows what reason she strikes back, then it's much more challenging for me to handle her. > Oh, I wish she just get abducted by aliens !!!!! hehehe. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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