Re: When Is the Right Time to Tell Your Boyfriend about your Wacked Out BPD Nada?

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, totally agree with Katrina, as usual. Just let it come out

naturally as you feel comfortable. And never forget that there actually is a

TON inside you that has nothing to do with Nada/Fada/FOO, and you can make

sure he likes that before you let him see the dark side.

And if you feel like there isn't a lot besides your psycho past, I have been

there too, and just know that the further you get from it, the more YOU that

is inside you and the less of THEM.

Does that make any sense?

Hugs.

>

>

> I'd say the right time to tell him is when you feel comfortable

> doing so. In the meantime, you can tell him a lesser amount of

> information if you like. There's a lot of room between lying or

> intentionally hiding the truth and just spouting it all out at

> once. I'd let the truth out a piece at a time as you get closer

> and know each other longer. For example, you can say that your

> nada had mental issues that made growing up with her problematic

> without discussing the specifics. You can go on to talk about

> various specific incidents as they come up naturally in

> conversation. How he reacts to what you say to begin with can

> help guide you in how much to share at once. If he really wants

> to know your past, surely there are things you can talk about

> related to your childhood and growing up other than the bad

> parts of your relationship with your nada. " That's a painful

> subject and I have trouble talking about it " is an option if he

> asks questions you don't feel up to answering yet. If he is " the

> one " then he shouldn't push you too hard about subjects that are

> obviously hurtful to you. Caring about someone requires

> accepting that they have limits and things that are private and

> if he can't accept yours, it is best to discover that sooner

> than later.

>

>

> At 02:42 PM 07/31/2010 Romantic Libra wrote:

> >I have been getting to know a man who has of his own accord

> >told me about his dysfunctional father (not BPD but a screamer

> >who had anger management problems, was always impatient and

> >couldn't show his tender feelings for anything). This man grew

> >up hating those traits and is quite the opposite Thank

> >God. Anyway he doesn't get nosy about my family life growing

> >up as a child, but it was only natural for me to talk a tiny

> >bit about my father in return (my father was similar in that

> >he had a difficult time expressing HIS tender feelings or

> >emotions at all but living with nada he couldn't get a word in

> >edge-wise and she didn't CARE what he or anyone else thought

> >and did what she wanted so I guess he felt why bother

> >expressing anything and let her be The Queen). Anyway I did

> >tell him my parents divorced when I was 16 and that I grew

> >close to my father after that refusing to go with nada and her

> >lover who my father caught her with (I never told him that

> >part - just that I didn't agree at all with my 'nada's

> >(MOTHER'S) choices in life but she taught me by example what

> >NOT to do and she would say to this day when she gets angry at

> >me 'you're just like your FATHER' - well I'm not - I am more

> >than capable of expressing my thoughts and feelings and do so

> >openly to those I am close to or anyone who is interested, but

> >anyway I digress. Anyway we are going on an all day date

> >tomorrow and I am 100% sure that he will want to 'know all

> >about me' as he said on the phone during our last conversation

> >which are always deep and on a wide variety of topics that he

> >'wants me to be totally open with him as he will be with me'

> >and 'he wants to REALLY get to know me'. We both feel as

> >though we have known each other for a very long time (even

> >though that's not true) and this feels like a past life

> >connection for sure. We share soooo much in common and it

> >isn't just the usual run of the mill things that a lot of

> >people share a love of, but weird, quirky things that make us

> >laugh. Anyway this could be 'the one' and I don't want to lie

> >to him or divulge so much I will scare him away, but how do I

> >handle questions about my childhood with my nada growing up? I

> >am scared that if I mention BPD at all, that even though it is

> >not my fault certainly and he wouldn't blame me for her having

> >it, some psychiatrists think it is hereditary and some do

> >not. I know for a fact I don't have BPD because one of my

> >closest friends who has known me for years is a mental health

> >therapist and told me I don't at all, but I do have the scars

> >of living with one in my formative years as we all do but

> >overcoming them - a work in progress as they say. Anyway how

> >do I deal with that issue tomorrow? I don't want to give him

> >the psycho-babble of " when we know each other well enough, I

> >will tell you the whole story " because that sounds suspicious

> >as if I have something to hide that I did wrong. I was a

> >victim of a BPD as a child - not the perpetrator but I don't

> >want him to run away because I had a wack job mother either.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

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