Guest guest Posted August 18, 2010 Report Share Posted August 18, 2010 , I don't know if what your dad has is BPD or not, but I can tell you that what you describe is not normal and you're not crazy or living on your own planet because you have a problem with it. You do have a right to ask for and get support whether or not other people have worse problems. You describe a man with some pretty serious mental problems who heaped a lot of emotional abuse on you. Some of this sounds very much like BPD, some doesn't. It sounds like he has a pretty good dose of paranoia in addition to anything else that is wrong. Admitting to have a mental problem is very un-BPD-like. They usually believe they're find and everyone else has a problem. On the other hand, failing to see a separation between you and them and trying to merge their personality with yours is very BPD-like and that's what his telling you that you're like him sounds like. Switching the behavior on and off is also very BPD-like as in inappropriate sharing with a child (using you like a therapist when you were growing up). In the end, it doesn't matter whether he had BPD or something else if treating him like he has BPD helps you to be able to understand and deal with him. You say you feel guilty letting him go because he's always saying he loves you. Remember, there's a difference between saying he loves you and actually loving you or acting like he loves you. If he doesn't act like he loves you, simply saying he loves you isn't good enough. My mother is very good at saying she loves my sister (who has no contact with her) but 25 years of actions that say otherwise speak louder than her words. I don't think people with BPD are really capable of loving in sense that normal people love. Their emotional capabilities aren't mature enough to do so. At 11:32 AM 08/18/2010 Mackay wrote: >Hi, I found out about the existance of BPD two weeks ago after >deciding that I >couldn't afford to be in communication with my dad anymore. Can >anyone tell me >that I am living in the real world after all? > >My dad has always had what he describes as 'mental problems' >but apart from one >time when he threatened my mum with a knife when I was six I >don't remember his >problems getting really severe until I was 13. Then, maybe >coinciding with the >family becoming more isolated and dependant, he started coming >out with severe >suicide threats, self harming and generally paranoid, >controling behavior. He >has also come out with two or three death threats to members of >the family and >physical and emotional abuse. He says that he can't help it but >he never behaves >like that when a visitor is there and he can switch the >behavior off at a >moments notice if he has to talk on the phone etc. >He has always said that he doesn't believe that people love him >and would prefer >him dead so when I was a younger teenager I would sometimes end >up talking to >him into the small hours, holding his hand and listening to him >to try and prove >to him once and for all that I did love him and to stop him >killing himself. He >used me like his therapist sometimes and I ended up feeling >like it was up to me >to save him. >He was physically and sexually abused when he was young. >He told me when I was 13 that I 'seemed to have the same >tendancy as him to get >depressed about things'. That was just before his behavior >started to go really >downhill. Since that, as well as feeling that I had to hide my >dad's behavior >from the world I have also felt that I had to hide myself. I >felt that I was the >same as my dad and that if people saw the way I really was they >would desert me. >I even feel that way about my family. I really believed for >years that there >was something wrong with me and making and keeping friends >still terrifies me as >I feel I always have to hide my sickness from them. >I have also indentified so strongly with him over the years >that I feel as if I >have no independant identity of my own. I always felt like I >was his special >girl and have tried for so long to live up to his idea that I >was perfect, >ending up feeling like a total failure for being imperfect. I >also knew that if >I lost my temper with him I could be downgraded to being >horrible, physically >theatenened and told to leave. I've always felt that the >message that we were >'the same' was coming from him. I've often been told under the >guise of parental >feedback that we both hate ourselves. (actually, he hates >himself). >When I was teenager I went through a long time of him using me >to discuss my mum >and how she manipulated him etc. Whenever I was upset about his >behavior and >went to my mum for comfort he would say we all hated him, >wanted him dead and >were all in the same filthy boat, so I felt guilty about >wanting my mum. I have >felt split down the middle for years and spent so long as a >teenager trying to >work out if my mum was really awful as he said. >I thought for a long time that things were a little better but >I came home for a >while a month or so ago (I am 24) and he went into a bad state >that evening, >punched me and my brother badly, bullied my mum and threatened >to kill himself >again and again. He is now getting psyciatric help and says >that it can't happen >again but the depressing thing about this is that I feel he's >only doing so >because he knew he was on the verge of losing me and because he >was given the >choice of getting help or the police. I have since stopped >engaging with him and >he recently told my mum that he would not eat or drink untill >the situation >sorts out (meaning, untill I am the way he wants). He is still >eating well! >I have been depressed more than half my life and have come way >too close to >considering suicide myself which is why I've decideded things >have got to >change. >I guess I feel terrified to put this email on the net. I'm >scared that people >will tell me that I have problems, that I'm just shifting my >own faults on to my >dad. I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I kept on >thinking 'yes, >that's it', again and again. It felt such a relief to think >that there might be >other people who have gone through similar things, but then >again there are >plenty of things that don't fit and I feel so disorientated >with reality just >now. I feel like I've been able to step back and look at my >life from the >outside and I'm scared of being told to get back where I >belong. >I guess I also have a huge guilt complex somehow that other >people are always in >a worse place than I am and I always feel worried that I have >no right to >complain or get support. I feel insecure because the majority >of people on this >list seem to have had their problems with their mum, and at >least I have been >lucky enough to have a supportive mother. (though as the eldest >I did spend >years helping to look after her when my dad's behavior made her >unwell) On the >other hand maybe living with what feels like a black hole in >the middle of the >family is pretty bad whatever form it takes. >Another thing that makes me feel guilty about complaining is >that he wasn't bad >at all when I was young, and also that he has given me >emotional support over >the years when I've been depressed. Trouble is, he was >supporting me through >problems that probably wouldn't have been there if it wasn't >for his attitudes >and behavior. >He seem capable of accepting and doing everthing except for >looking the truth >right in the eye, accepting that he is the root of the problems >and genuinely >deciding that something needs to be done about it. I feel so >guilty about >letting him go because he always says how much he loves me. >Yes, quite possibly, >but never enough to stop me being put through that. >I am terrified every day now that he will kill himself and also >wish that he >would get it over with and leave us in peace. >Please, can someone tell me they more or less know what I'm >talking about and >that I'm not living on my own planet? > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 Hi Sweetie, I'm so sorry! From your story, I see a very sick man. Maybe a BPD waif/hermit with acting in tendancies. I'm more familiar with the acting out variety myself. Sounds like you were very enmeshed with him. The problem is that he doesn't have his own core identity, so I needs you to be him. Does that make sense? I know I don't have the authority, but I want to give you permission officially to do what is right for you. Don't live your life for him - that is just a sick codependent mess. A parent is supposed to raise their child to be free, grow up. leave them and have a life of their own. Anything less and you've got a problem. Its scary to think that he might kill himself, I know you hate hearing that. And since you are the child, he has NO RIGHT appealing to you to save his life. Sounds cold, but its just plain NOT YOUR JOB! Your job is to grow up, build your own life and fly free. Your dad probably has a lot of co-morbidities. It seems they all do. He sounds almost the exact opposite of my own Nada - the other side of BPD. He also sounds like he is very low functioning. I had the acting out witch variety most of the time. . . . My suggestions to you are a) use this group, rely on us. we are here for you. b)talk to a professional. you may need anit-depressants and after all those years of guilt believing that your dad's survival is up to you I think you need to speak to a therapist, and c) read a lot alot of books. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good start. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are. Girlscout > > > , > I don't know if what your dad has is BPD or not, but I can tell > you that what you describe is not normal and you're not crazy or > living on your own planet because you have a problem with it. > You do have a right to ask for and get support whether or not > other people have worse problems. You describe a man with some > pretty serious mental problems who heaped a lot of emotional > abuse on you. Some of this sounds very much like BPD, some > doesn't. It sounds like he has a pretty good dose of paranoia in > addition to anything else that is wrong. Admitting to have a > mental problem is very un-BPD-like. They usually believe they're > find and everyone else has a problem. On the other hand, failing > to see a separation between you and them and trying to merge > their personality with yours is very BPD-like and that's what > his telling you that you're like him sounds like. Switching the > behavior on and off is also very BPD-like as in inappropriate > sharing with a child (using you like a therapist when you were > growing up). In the end, it doesn't matter whether he had BPD or > something else if treating him like he has BPD helps you to be > able to understand and deal with him. > > You say you feel guilty letting him go because he's always > saying he loves you. Remember, there's a difference between > saying he loves you and actually loving you or acting like he > loves you. If he doesn't act like he loves you, simply saying he > loves you isn't good enough. My mother is very good at saying > she loves my sister (who has no contact with her) but 25 years > of actions that say otherwise speak louder than her words. I > don't think people with BPD are really capable of loving in > sense that normal people love. Their emotional capabilities > aren't mature enough to do so. > > > At 11:32 AM 08/18/2010 Mackay wrote: > >Hi, I found out about the existance of BPD two weeks ago after > >deciding that I > >couldn't afford to be in communication with my dad anymore. Can > >anyone tell me > >that I am living in the real world after all? > > > >My dad has always had what he describes as 'mental problems' > >but apart from one > >time when he threatened my mum with a knife when I was six I > >don't remember his > >problems getting really severe until I was 13. Then, maybe > >coinciding with the > >family becoming more isolated and dependant, he started coming > >out with severe > >suicide threats, self harming and generally paranoid, > >controling behavior. He > >has also come out with two or three death threats to members of > >the family and > >physical and emotional abuse. He says that he can't help it but > >he never behaves > >like that when a visitor is there and he can switch the > >behavior off at a > >moments notice if he has to talk on the phone etc. > >He has always said that he doesn't believe that people love him > >and would prefer > >him dead so when I was a younger teenager I would sometimes end > >up talking to > >him into the small hours, holding his hand and listening to him > >to try and prove > >to him once and for all that I did love him and to stop him > >killing himself. He > >used me like his therapist sometimes and I ended up feeling > >like it was up to me > >to save him. > >He was physically and sexually abused when he was young. > >He told me when I was 13 that I 'seemed to have the same > >tendancy as him to get > >depressed about things'. That was just before his behavior > >started to go really > >downhill. Since that, as well as feeling that I had to hide my > >dad's behavior > >from the world I have also felt that I had to hide myself. I > >felt that I was the > >same as my dad and that if people saw the way I really was they > >would desert me. > >I even feel that way about my family. I really believed for > >years that there > >was something wrong with me and making and keeping friends > >still terrifies me as > >I feel I always have to hide my sickness from them. > >I have also indentified so strongly with him over the years > >that I feel as if I > >have no independant identity of my own. I always felt like I > >was his special > >girl and have tried for so long to live up to his idea that I > >was perfect, > >ending up feeling like a total failure for being imperfect. I > >also knew that if > >I lost my temper with him I could be downgraded to being > >horrible, physically > >theatenened and told to leave. I've always felt that the > >message that we were > >'the same' was coming from him. I've often been told under the > >guise of parental > >feedback that we both hate ourselves. (actually, he hates > >himself). > >When I was teenager I went through a long time of him using me > >to discuss my mum > >and how she manipulated him etc. Whenever I was upset about his > >behavior and > >went to my mum for comfort he would say we all hated him, > >wanted him dead and > >were all in the same filthy boat, so I felt guilty about > >wanting my mum. I have > >felt split down the middle for years and spent so long as a > >teenager trying to > >work out if my mum was really awful as he said. > >I thought for a long time that things were a little better but > >I came home for a > >while a month or so ago (I am 24) and he went into a bad state > >that evening, > >punched me and my brother badly, bullied my mum and threatened > >to kill himself > >again and again. He is now getting psyciatric help and says > >that it can't happen > >again but the depressing thing about this is that I feel he's > >only doing so > >because he knew he was on the verge of losing me and because he > >was given the > >choice of getting help or the police. I have since stopped > >engaging with him and > >he recently told my mum that he would not eat or drink untill > >the situation > >sorts out (meaning, untill I am the way he wants). He is still > >eating well! > >I have been depressed more than half my life and have come way > >too close to > >considering suicide myself which is why I've decideded things > >have got to > >change. > >I guess I feel terrified to put this email on the net. I'm > >scared that people > >will tell me that I have problems, that I'm just shifting my > >own faults on to my > >dad. I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I kept on > >thinking 'yes, > >that's it', again and again. It felt such a relief to think > >that there might be > >other people who have gone through similar things, but then > >again there are > >plenty of things that don't fit and I feel so disorientated > >with reality just > >now. I feel like I've been able to step back and look at my > >life from the > >outside and I'm scared of being told to get back where I > >belong. > >I guess I also have a huge guilt complex somehow that other > >people are always in > >a worse place than I am and I always feel worried that I have > >no right to > >complain or get support. I feel insecure because the majority > >of people on this > >list seem to have had their problems with their mum, and at > >least I have been > >lucky enough to have a supportive mother. (though as the eldest > >I did spend > >years helping to look after her when my dad's behavior made her > >unwell) On the > >other hand maybe living with what feels like a black hole in > >the middle of the > >family is pretty bad whatever form it takes. > >Another thing that makes me feel guilty about complaining is > >that he wasn't bad > >at all when I was young, and also that he has given me > >emotional support over > >the years when I've been depressed. Trouble is, he was > >supporting me through > >problems that probably wouldn't have been there if it wasn't > >for his attitudes > >and behavior. > >He seem capable of accepting and doing everthing except for > >looking the truth > >right in the eye, accepting that he is the root of the problems > >and genuinely > >deciding that something needs to be done about it. I feel so > >guilty about > >letting him go because he always says how much he loves me. > >Yes, quite possibly, > >but never enough to stop me being put through that. > >I am terrified every day now that he will kill himself and also > >wish that he > >would get it over with and leave us in peace. > >Please, can someone tell me they more or less know what I'm > >talking about and > >that I'm not living on my own planet? > > > > > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 Hi Sweetie, I'm so sorry! From your story, I see a very sick man. Maybe a BPD waif/hermit with acting in tendancies. I'm more familiar with the acting out variety myself. Sounds like you were very enmeshed with him. The problem is that he doesn't have his own core identity, so I needs you to be him. Does that make sense? I know I don't have the authority, but I want to give you permission officially to do what is right for you. Don't live your life for him - that is just a sick codependent mess. A parent is supposed to raise their child to be free, grow up. leave them and have a life of their own. Anything less and you've got a problem. Its scary to think that he might kill himself, I know you hate hearing that. And since you are the child, he has NO RIGHT appealing to you to save his life. Sounds cold, but its just plain NOT YOUR JOB! Your job is to grow up, build your own life and fly free. Your dad probably has a lot of co-morbidities. It seems they all do. He sounds almost the exact opposite of my own Nada - the other side of BPD. He also sounds like he is very low functioning. I had the acting out witch variety most of the time. . . . My suggestions to you are a) use this group, rely on us. we are here for you. b)talk to a professional. you may need anit-depressants and after all those years of guilt believing that your dad's survival is up to you I think you need to speak to a therapist, and c) read a lot alot of books. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good start. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are. Girlscout > > > , > I don't know if what your dad has is BPD or not, but I can tell > you that what you describe is not normal and you're not crazy or > living on your own planet because you have a problem with it. > You do have a right to ask for and get support whether or not > other people have worse problems. You describe a man with some > pretty serious mental problems who heaped a lot of emotional > abuse on you. Some of this sounds very much like BPD, some > doesn't. It sounds like he has a pretty good dose of paranoia in > addition to anything else that is wrong. Admitting to have a > mental problem is very un-BPD-like. They usually believe they're > find and everyone else has a problem. On the other hand, failing > to see a separation between you and them and trying to merge > their personality with yours is very BPD-like and that's what > his telling you that you're like him sounds like. Switching the > behavior on and off is also very BPD-like as in inappropriate > sharing with a child (using you like a therapist when you were > growing up). In the end, it doesn't matter whether he had BPD or > something else if treating him like he has BPD helps you to be > able to understand and deal with him. > > You say you feel guilty letting him go because he's always > saying he loves you. Remember, there's a difference between > saying he loves you and actually loving you or acting like he > loves you. If he doesn't act like he loves you, simply saying he > loves you isn't good enough. My mother is very good at saying > she loves my sister (who has no contact with her) but 25 years > of actions that say otherwise speak louder than her words. I > don't think people with BPD are really capable of loving in > sense that normal people love. Their emotional capabilities > aren't mature enough to do so. > > > At 11:32 AM 08/18/2010 Mackay wrote: > >Hi, I found out about the existance of BPD two weeks ago after > >deciding that I > >couldn't afford to be in communication with my dad anymore. Can > >anyone tell me > >that I am living in the real world after all? > > > >My dad has always had what he describes as 'mental problems' > >but apart from one > >time when he threatened my mum with a knife when I was six I > >don't remember his > >problems getting really severe until I was 13. Then, maybe > >coinciding with the > >family becoming more isolated and dependant, he started coming > >out with severe > >suicide threats, self harming and generally paranoid, > >controling behavior. He > >has also come out with two or three death threats to members of > >the family and > >physical and emotional abuse. He says that he can't help it but > >he never behaves > >like that when a visitor is there and he can switch the > >behavior off at a > >moments notice if he has to talk on the phone etc. > >He has always said that he doesn't believe that people love him > >and would prefer > >him dead so when I was a younger teenager I would sometimes end > >up talking to > >him into the small hours, holding his hand and listening to him > >to try and prove > >to him once and for all that I did love him and to stop him > >killing himself. He > >used me like his therapist sometimes and I ended up feeling > >like it was up to me > >to save him. > >He was physically and sexually abused when he was young. > >He told me when I was 13 that I 'seemed to have the same > >tendancy as him to get > >depressed about things'. That was just before his behavior > >started to go really > >downhill. Since that, as well as feeling that I had to hide my > >dad's behavior > >from the world I have also felt that I had to hide myself. I > >felt that I was the > >same as my dad and that if people saw the way I really was they > >would desert me. > >I even feel that way about my family. I really believed for > >years that there > >was something wrong with me and making and keeping friends > >still terrifies me as > >I feel I always have to hide my sickness from them. > >I have also indentified so strongly with him over the years > >that I feel as if I > >have no independant identity of my own. I always felt like I > >was his special > >girl and have tried for so long to live up to his idea that I > >was perfect, > >ending up feeling like a total failure for being imperfect. I > >also knew that if > >I lost my temper with him I could be downgraded to being > >horrible, physically > >theatenened and told to leave. I've always felt that the > >message that we were > >'the same' was coming from him. I've often been told under the > >guise of parental > >feedback that we both hate ourselves. (actually, he hates > >himself). > >When I was teenager I went through a long time of him using me > >to discuss my mum > >and how she manipulated him etc. Whenever I was upset about his > >behavior and > >went to my mum for comfort he would say we all hated him, > >wanted him dead and > >were all in the same filthy boat, so I felt guilty about > >wanting my mum. I have > >felt split down the middle for years and spent so long as a > >teenager trying to > >work out if my mum was really awful as he said. > >I thought for a long time that things were a little better but > >I came home for a > >while a month or so ago (I am 24) and he went into a bad state > >that evening, > >punched me and my brother badly, bullied my mum and threatened > >to kill himself > >again and again. He is now getting psyciatric help and says > >that it can't happen > >again but the depressing thing about this is that I feel he's > >only doing so > >because he knew he was on the verge of losing me and because he > >was given the > >choice of getting help or the police. I have since stopped > >engaging with him and > >he recently told my mum that he would not eat or drink untill > >the situation > >sorts out (meaning, untill I am the way he wants). He is still > >eating well! > >I have been depressed more than half my life and have come way > >too close to > >considering suicide myself which is why I've decideded things > >have got to > >change. > >I guess I feel terrified to put this email on the net. I'm > >scared that people > >will tell me that I have problems, that I'm just shifting my > >own faults on to my > >dad. I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I kept on > >thinking 'yes, > >that's it', again and again. It felt such a relief to think > >that there might be > >other people who have gone through similar things, but then > >again there are > >plenty of things that don't fit and I feel so disorientated > >with reality just > >now. I feel like I've been able to step back and look at my > >life from the > >outside and I'm scared of being told to get back where I > >belong. > >I guess I also have a huge guilt complex somehow that other > >people are always in > >a worse place than I am and I always feel worried that I have > >no right to > >complain or get support. I feel insecure because the majority > >of people on this > >list seem to have had their problems with their mum, and at > >least I have been > >lucky enough to have a supportive mother. (though as the eldest > >I did spend > >years helping to look after her when my dad's behavior made her > >unwell) On the > >other hand maybe living with what feels like a black hole in > >the middle of the > >family is pretty bad whatever form it takes. > >Another thing that makes me feel guilty about complaining is > >that he wasn't bad > >at all when I was young, and also that he has given me > >emotional support over > >the years when I've been depressed. Trouble is, he was > >supporting me through > >problems that probably wouldn't have been there if it wasn't > >for his attitudes > >and behavior. > >He seem capable of accepting and doing everthing except for > >looking the truth > >right in the eye, accepting that he is the root of the problems > >and genuinely > >deciding that something needs to be done about it. I feel so > >guilty about > >letting him go because he always says how much he loves me. > >Yes, quite possibly, > >but never enough to stop me being put through that. > >I am terrified every day now that he will kill himself and also > >wish that he > >would get it over with and leave us in peace. > >Please, can someone tell me they more or less know what I'm > >talking about and > >that I'm not living on my own planet? > > > > > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 Hi Sweetie, I'm so sorry! From your story, I see a very sick man. Maybe a BPD waif/hermit with acting in tendancies. I'm more familiar with the acting out variety myself. Sounds like you were very enmeshed with him. The problem is that he doesn't have his own core identity, so I needs you to be him. Does that make sense? I know I don't have the authority, but I want to give you permission officially to do what is right for you. Don't live your life for him - that is just a sick codependent mess. A parent is supposed to raise their child to be free, grow up. leave them and have a life of their own. Anything less and you've got a problem. Its scary to think that he might kill himself, I know you hate hearing that. And since you are the child, he has NO RIGHT appealing to you to save his life. Sounds cold, but its just plain NOT YOUR JOB! Your job is to grow up, build your own life and fly free. Your dad probably has a lot of co-morbidities. It seems they all do. He sounds almost the exact opposite of my own Nada - the other side of BPD. He also sounds like he is very low functioning. I had the acting out witch variety most of the time. . . . My suggestions to you are a) use this group, rely on us. we are here for you. b)talk to a professional. you may need anit-depressants and after all those years of guilt believing that your dad's survival is up to you I think you need to speak to a therapist, and c) read a lot alot of books. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good start. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are. Girlscout > > > , > I don't know if what your dad has is BPD or not, but I can tell > you that what you describe is not normal and you're not crazy or > living on your own planet because you have a problem with it. > You do have a right to ask for and get support whether or not > other people have worse problems. You describe a man with some > pretty serious mental problems who heaped a lot of emotional > abuse on you. Some of this sounds very much like BPD, some > doesn't. It sounds like he has a pretty good dose of paranoia in > addition to anything else that is wrong. Admitting to have a > mental problem is very un-BPD-like. They usually believe they're > find and everyone else has a problem. On the other hand, failing > to see a separation between you and them and trying to merge > their personality with yours is very BPD-like and that's what > his telling you that you're like him sounds like. Switching the > behavior on and off is also very BPD-like as in inappropriate > sharing with a child (using you like a therapist when you were > growing up). In the end, it doesn't matter whether he had BPD or > something else if treating him like he has BPD helps you to be > able to understand and deal with him. > > You say you feel guilty letting him go because he's always > saying he loves you. Remember, there's a difference between > saying he loves you and actually loving you or acting like he > loves you. If he doesn't act like he loves you, simply saying he > loves you isn't good enough. My mother is very good at saying > she loves my sister (who has no contact with her) but 25 years > of actions that say otherwise speak louder than her words. I > don't think people with BPD are really capable of loving in > sense that normal people love. Their emotional capabilities > aren't mature enough to do so. > > > At 11:32 AM 08/18/2010 Mackay wrote: > >Hi, I found out about the existance of BPD two weeks ago after > >deciding that I > >couldn't afford to be in communication with my dad anymore. Can > >anyone tell me > >that I am living in the real world after all? > > > >My dad has always had what he describes as 'mental problems' > >but apart from one > >time when he threatened my mum with a knife when I was six I > >don't remember his > >problems getting really severe until I was 13. Then, maybe > >coinciding with the > >family becoming more isolated and dependant, he started coming > >out with severe > >suicide threats, self harming and generally paranoid, > >controling behavior. He > >has also come out with two or three death threats to members of > >the family and > >physical and emotional abuse. He says that he can't help it but > >he never behaves > >like that when a visitor is there and he can switch the > >behavior off at a > >moments notice if he has to talk on the phone etc. > >He has always said that he doesn't believe that people love him > >and would prefer > >him dead so when I was a younger teenager I would sometimes end > >up talking to > >him into the small hours, holding his hand and listening to him > >to try and prove > >to him once and for all that I did love him and to stop him > >killing himself. He > >used me like his therapist sometimes and I ended up feeling > >like it was up to me > >to save him. > >He was physically and sexually abused when he was young. > >He told me when I was 13 that I 'seemed to have the same > >tendancy as him to get > >depressed about things'. That was just before his behavior > >started to go really > >downhill. Since that, as well as feeling that I had to hide my > >dad's behavior > >from the world I have also felt that I had to hide myself. I > >felt that I was the > >same as my dad and that if people saw the way I really was they > >would desert me. > >I even feel that way about my family. I really believed for > >years that there > >was something wrong with me and making and keeping friends > >still terrifies me as > >I feel I always have to hide my sickness from them. > >I have also indentified so strongly with him over the years > >that I feel as if I > >have no independant identity of my own. I always felt like I > >was his special > >girl and have tried for so long to live up to his idea that I > >was perfect, > >ending up feeling like a total failure for being imperfect. I > >also knew that if > >I lost my temper with him I could be downgraded to being > >horrible, physically > >theatenened and told to leave. I've always felt that the > >message that we were > >'the same' was coming from him. I've often been told under the > >guise of parental > >feedback that we both hate ourselves. (actually, he hates > >himself). > >When I was teenager I went through a long time of him using me > >to discuss my mum > >and how she manipulated him etc. Whenever I was upset about his > >behavior and > >went to my mum for comfort he would say we all hated him, > >wanted him dead and > >were all in the same filthy boat, so I felt guilty about > >wanting my mum. I have > >felt split down the middle for years and spent so long as a > >teenager trying to > >work out if my mum was really awful as he said. > >I thought for a long time that things were a little better but > >I came home for a > >while a month or so ago (I am 24) and he went into a bad state > >that evening, > >punched me and my brother badly, bullied my mum and threatened > >to kill himself > >again and again. He is now getting psyciatric help and says > >that it can't happen > >again but the depressing thing about this is that I feel he's > >only doing so > >because he knew he was on the verge of losing me and because he > >was given the > >choice of getting help or the police. I have since stopped > >engaging with him and > >he recently told my mum that he would not eat or drink untill > >the situation > >sorts out (meaning, untill I am the way he wants). He is still > >eating well! > >I have been depressed more than half my life and have come way > >too close to > >considering suicide myself which is why I've decideded things > >have got to > >change. > >I guess I feel terrified to put this email on the net. I'm > >scared that people > >will tell me that I have problems, that I'm just shifting my > >own faults on to my > >dad. I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I kept on > >thinking 'yes, > >that's it', again and again. It felt such a relief to think > >that there might be > >other people who have gone through similar things, but then > >again there are > >plenty of things that don't fit and I feel so disorientated > >with reality just > >now. I feel like I've been able to step back and look at my > >life from the > >outside and I'm scared of being told to get back where I > >belong. > >I guess I also have a huge guilt complex somehow that other > >people are always in > >a worse place than I am and I always feel worried that I have > >no right to > >complain or get support. I feel insecure because the majority > >of people on this > >list seem to have had their problems with their mum, and at > >least I have been > >lucky enough to have a supportive mother. (though as the eldest > >I did spend > >years helping to look after her when my dad's behavior made her > >unwell) On the > >other hand maybe living with what feels like a black hole in > >the middle of the > >family is pretty bad whatever form it takes. > >Another thing that makes me feel guilty about complaining is > >that he wasn't bad > >at all when I was young, and also that he has given me > >emotional support over > >the years when I've been depressed. Trouble is, he was > >supporting me through > >problems that probably wouldn't have been there if it wasn't > >for his attitudes > >and behavior. > >He seem capable of accepting and doing everthing except for > >looking the truth > >right in the eye, accepting that he is the root of the problems > >and genuinely > >deciding that something needs to be done about it. I feel so > >guilty about > >letting him go because he always says how much he loves me. > >Yes, quite possibly, > >but never enough to stop me being put through that. > >I am terrified every day now that he will kill himself and also > >wish that he > >would get it over with and leave us in peace. > >Please, can someone tell me they more or less know what I'm > >talking about and > >that I'm not living on my own planet? > > > > > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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