Re: New to this group, but I definitely need some coping strategies...

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the Group!

I have to run now, but I'd like to respond to your post later today.

Having a father with personality disorder can be just as painful as having a

mother with pd.

best wishes,

Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the Group!

I have to run now, but I'd like to respond to your post later today.

Having a father with personality disorder can be just as painful as having a

mother with pd.

best wishes,

Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey , buddy, I feel for ya. I have to say - first of all, I would do

everything I can to become financially independent. It takes time but you

will get there. Because the bpd/npd personality (esp npd) is known for

trying to control people with their gifts. Second, I think you are going to

have to find another source of love and approval, and accept that you will

never get it from him and its not your fault.

My advice, is to just build a life that doesn't cast him in a major roll.

Find friends mentors, people who want to coach you professionally. Rely on

them. You probably don't really want to follow a fada's advice anyway,

right?

Are you LC/NC? Sounds to me like Fada wants to dictate the terms of when he

sees you, how long, how often etc. . .

Yeah, I think as KOs we have to find our family support elsewhere - and

maybe learn how to nurture ourselves a little bit.

Good luck! We are here for ya.

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 11:41 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi ,

> Welcome to the Group!

> I have to run now, but I'd like to respond to your post later today.

> Having a father with personality disorder can be just as painful as having

> a mother with pd.

> best wishes,

> Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when

> I actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

> >

> > example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks

> for a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process

> and has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the

> interviews went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And

> I'm absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say,

> " I have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make

> sure you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you

> shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching

> out to my own father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and

> get a little feedback and love every now and then? ...

> >

> > I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this and I understand. My mother is similar

in some ways. As far as being financially supportive that rings a bell as

gift giving. If he gives you money, gifts, ect you, in his mind and he

hopes in yours, become indebted. My mother did this with gifts. If I dared

complain about anything she or other family would point out how " spoiled " I

was and therefore should be nothing but grateful. If you can achieve

independence DO IT. There are many roads you can take in the relationship

and those decisions are yours and yours ALONE.

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 2:19 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Hey , buddy, I feel for ya. I have to say - first of all, I would do

> everything I can to become financially independent. It takes time but you

> will get there. Because the bpd/npd personality (esp npd) is known for

> trying to control people with their gifts. Second, I think you are going to

> have to find another source of love and approval, and accept that you will

> never get it from him and its not your fault.

>

> My advice, is to just build a life that doesn't cast him in a major roll.

> Find friends mentors, people who want to coach you professionally. Rely on

> them. You probably don't really want to follow a fada's advice anyway,

> right?

>

> Are you LC/NC? Sounds to me like Fada wants to dictate the terms of when he

> sees you, how long, how often etc. . .

>

> Yeah, I think as KOs we have to find our family support elsewhere - and

> maybe learn how to nurture ourselves a little bit.

>

> Good luck! We are here for ya.

>

> On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 11:41 AM, anuria67854 <anuria-67854@...

> >wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Hi ,

> > Welcome to the Group!

> > I have to run now, but I'd like to respond to your post later today.

> > Having a father with personality disorder can be just as painful as

> having

> > a mother with pd.

> > best wishes,

> > Annie

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen

> when

> > I actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> > cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that

> flares

> > up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> > think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him.

> It's

> > never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser.

> And

> > he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> > Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it

> goes.

> > When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other

> times

> > he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> > always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even

> though

> > I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

> > >

> > > example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks

> > for a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this

> process

> > and has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the

> > interviews went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And

> > I'm absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will

> say,

> > " I have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make

> > sure you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you

> > shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about

> reaching

> > out to my own father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him

> and

> > get a little feedback and love every now and then? ...

> > >

> > > I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like

> this.

> > Selfish and unpredictable.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this and I understand. My mother is similar

in some ways. As far as being financially supportive that rings a bell as

gift giving. If he gives you money, gifts, ect you, in his mind and he

hopes in yours, become indebted. My mother did this with gifts. If I dared

complain about anything she or other family would point out how " spoiled " I

was and therefore should be nothing but grateful. If you can achieve

independence DO IT. There are many roads you can take in the relationship

and those decisions are yours and yours ALONE.

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 2:19 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Hey , buddy, I feel for ya. I have to say - first of all, I would do

> everything I can to become financially independent. It takes time but you

> will get there. Because the bpd/npd personality (esp npd) is known for

> trying to control people with their gifts. Second, I think you are going to

> have to find another source of love and approval, and accept that you will

> never get it from him and its not your fault.

>

> My advice, is to just build a life that doesn't cast him in a major roll.

> Find friends mentors, people who want to coach you professionally. Rely on

> them. You probably don't really want to follow a fada's advice anyway,

> right?

>

> Are you LC/NC? Sounds to me like Fada wants to dictate the terms of when he

> sees you, how long, how often etc. . .

>

> Yeah, I think as KOs we have to find our family support elsewhere - and

> maybe learn how to nurture ourselves a little bit.

>

> Good luck! We are here for ya.

>

> On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 11:41 AM, anuria67854 <anuria-67854@...

> >wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Hi ,

> > Welcome to the Group!

> > I have to run now, but I'd like to respond to your post later today.

> > Having a father with personality disorder can be just as painful as

> having

> > a mother with pd.

> > best wishes,

> > Annie

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen

> when

> > I actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> > cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that

> flares

> > up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> > think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him.

> It's

> > never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser.

> And

> > he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> > Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it

> goes.

> > When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other

> times

> > he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> > always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even

> though

> > I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

> > >

> > > example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks

> > for a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this

> process

> > and has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the

> > interviews went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And

> > I'm absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will

> say,

> > " I have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make

> > sure you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you

> > shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about

> reaching

> > out to my own father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him

> and

> > get a little feedback and love every now and then? ...

> > >

> > > I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like

> this.

> > Selfish and unpredictable.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi .

Yes. Its both sad and frustrating to have a dad with the symptoms of borderline

pd and narcissistic pd, who is also a heavy drinker and misuses prescription

drugs.

I think a big part of getting past the hurt and frustration you're feeling is to

understand and accept that he can't or won't change. Nothing you do will have

any effect on how he treats you. You didn't make him the way he is, and you

can't " fix " him.

Until you can accept that reality, you will continue to dash yourself against

his dysfunctional personality, the cold, hard wall of his self-absorption, his

indifference, and his erratic attention span and you will only become more sad

and frustrated. He can't change. He won't change.

All you can do is change the way you think and feel and relate to him; you can

decide that you can love him without *needing* him.

And you can create boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from him when he

becomes emotionally abusive toward you. You can say something like, " I don't

deserve to be spoken to that way, dad. I'm going to hang up now. Talk to you

later. "

You can create more emotional distance: stop expecting him to change. And as

others have advised, look to other sources to get your needs for validation,

approval, advice, and emotional support met. The best of all possible outcomes

is that you will begin to give these things to yourself. But it is always nice

to get recognition, praise and cheers from loving friends and family, I agree.

Then, if and when he does choose to favor you with some of his time and

attention, you can enjoy it without needing it and without expecting more of it,

then feeling hurt and disappointed when he doesn't remain consistent. His

attention will be more like a pleasant, unexpected little present, but its

something you can cheerfully live without. You won't *need* it anymore.

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi .

Yes. Its both sad and frustrating to have a dad with the symptoms of borderline

pd and narcissistic pd, who is also a heavy drinker and misuses prescription

drugs.

I think a big part of getting past the hurt and frustration you're feeling is to

understand and accept that he can't or won't change. Nothing you do will have

any effect on how he treats you. You didn't make him the way he is, and you

can't " fix " him.

Until you can accept that reality, you will continue to dash yourself against

his dysfunctional personality, the cold, hard wall of his self-absorption, his

indifference, and his erratic attention span and you will only become more sad

and frustrated. He can't change. He won't change.

All you can do is change the way you think and feel and relate to him; you can

decide that you can love him without *needing* him.

And you can create boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from him when he

becomes emotionally abusive toward you. You can say something like, " I don't

deserve to be spoken to that way, dad. I'm going to hang up now. Talk to you

later. "

You can create more emotional distance: stop expecting him to change. And as

others have advised, look to other sources to get your needs for validation,

approval, advice, and emotional support met. The best of all possible outcomes

is that you will begin to give these things to yourself. But it is always nice

to get recognition, praise and cheers from loving friends and family, I agree.

Then, if and when he does choose to favor you with some of his time and

attention, you can enjoy it without needing it and without expecting more of it,

then feeling hurt and disappointed when he doesn't remain consistent. His

attention will be more like a pleasant, unexpected little present, but its

something you can cheerfully live without. You won't *need* it anymore.

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi .

Yes. Its both sad and frustrating to have a dad with the symptoms of borderline

pd and narcissistic pd, who is also a heavy drinker and misuses prescription

drugs.

I think a big part of getting past the hurt and frustration you're feeling is to

understand and accept that he can't or won't change. Nothing you do will have

any effect on how he treats you. You didn't make him the way he is, and you

can't " fix " him.

Until you can accept that reality, you will continue to dash yourself against

his dysfunctional personality, the cold, hard wall of his self-absorption, his

indifference, and his erratic attention span and you will only become more sad

and frustrated. He can't change. He won't change.

All you can do is change the way you think and feel and relate to him; you can

decide that you can love him without *needing* him.

And you can create boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from him when he

becomes emotionally abusive toward you. You can say something like, " I don't

deserve to be spoken to that way, dad. I'm going to hang up now. Talk to you

later. "

You can create more emotional distance: stop expecting him to change. And as

others have advised, look to other sources to get your needs for validation,

approval, advice, and emotional support met. The best of all possible outcomes

is that you will begin to give these things to yourself. But it is always nice

to get recognition, praise and cheers from loving friends and family, I agree.

Then, if and when he does choose to favor you with some of his time and

attention, you can enjoy it without needing it and without expecting more of it,

then feeling hurt and disappointed when he doesn't remain consistent. His

attention will be more like a pleasant, unexpected little present, but its

something you can cheerfully live without. You won't *need* it anymore.

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry, .

I know what you're going through.

My dad was not emotionally present for me, either. I'm 42 and the closest my

father and I ever were was when he was dying of cancer.

As for coping strategies...I know this isn't easy, but--a big strategy is to

lower your expectations of what you want from him. Unless he makes a huge

change, he most likely won't be very interested in your life. Esp if he's

abusing drink and drugs. He can barely care for himself and isn't going to care

for others.

Sigh. Again, I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and encouraging you to find support

elsewhere. Your family of support doesn't have to be biological. Maybe visit an

AA or NA group so you'll know you aren't alone.

And you're not alone. we're here for you, too.

btw, hope you get that job!!!

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey yeah, shawn, how did it go with the job?

We have lots of people on this group who I'm sure would love to offer

interview tips or whatever to help you land it!

We are here for you - screw biological family, this is the real deal.

>

>

> I'm so sorry, .

> I know what you're going through.

> My dad was not emotionally present for me, either. I'm 42 and the closest

> my father and I ever were was when he was dying of cancer.

>

> As for coping strategies...I know this isn't easy, but--a big strategy is

> to lower your expectations of what you want from him. Unless he makes a huge

> change, he most likely won't be very interested in your life. Esp if he's

> abusing drink and drugs. He can barely care for himself and isn't going to

> care for others.

>

> Sigh. Again, I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and encouraging you to find

> support elsewhere. Your family of support doesn't have to be biological.

> Maybe visit an AA or NA group so you'll know you aren't alone.

>

> And you're not alone. we're here for you, too.

>

> btw, hope you get that job!!!

>

>

> >

> > What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when

> I actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

> >

> > example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks

> for a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process

> and has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the

> interviews went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And

> I'm absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say,

> " I have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make

> sure you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you

> shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching

> out to my own father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and

> get a little feedback and love every now and then? ...

> >

> > I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I really think that it is very important to acknowledge that someone who is

abusing alcohol and mood altering drugs is not going to respond in a rational

and predictable way. It is very hard to diagnose mental illness when someone is

using things that alter mood to begin with. It might be helpful to you to go to

al anon or acoa or coda and get support from people in learning to detach from

expecting any rational or compassionate behavior from someone who is a substance

abuser. It really feel empathetic to you that you have needs and expectations

from him which of course he is not going to meet as long as he can numb out his

feelings and alter his mood with drugs or drinking. In terms of bpd it is the

same process, learning to detach. I am still in the thick of things myself but I

have made a ton of progress in the last few years with 'seeing the light' about

my family. With my mother it has been especially difficult because she is so

subtle and almost cunning in the things she does. My father is a rageaholic too

so he is easier to detach from, but he does have a way of making scathing

comments to me that I am not expecting that I feel really wounded by. At first

you express the pain and hurt at not having the parent you need, and then as

you get the feelings out you can move forward, little by little, into a bit of

detachment. Hugs.

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

I really think that it is very important to acknowledge that someone who is

abusing alcohol and mood altering drugs is not going to respond in a rational

and predictable way. It is very hard to diagnose mental illness when someone is

using things that alter mood to begin with. It might be helpful to you to go to

al anon or acoa or coda and get support from people in learning to detach from

expecting any rational or compassionate behavior from someone who is a substance

abuser. It really feel empathetic to you that you have needs and expectations

from him which of course he is not going to meet as long as he can numb out his

feelings and alter his mood with drugs or drinking. In terms of bpd it is the

same process, learning to detach. I am still in the thick of things myself but I

have made a ton of progress in the last few years with 'seeing the light' about

my family. With my mother it has been especially difficult because she is so

subtle and almost cunning in the things she does. My father is a rageaholic too

so he is easier to detach from, but he does have a way of making scathing

comments to me that I am not expecting that I feel really wounded by. At first

you express the pain and hurt at not having the parent you need, and then as

you get the feelings out you can move forward, little by little, into a bit of

detachment. Hugs.

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

I really think that it is very important to acknowledge that someone who is

abusing alcohol and mood altering drugs is not going to respond in a rational

and predictable way. It is very hard to diagnose mental illness when someone is

using things that alter mood to begin with. It might be helpful to you to go to

al anon or acoa or coda and get support from people in learning to detach from

expecting any rational or compassionate behavior from someone who is a substance

abuser. It really feel empathetic to you that you have needs and expectations

from him which of course he is not going to meet as long as he can numb out his

feelings and alter his mood with drugs or drinking. In terms of bpd it is the

same process, learning to detach. I am still in the thick of things myself but I

have made a ton of progress in the last few years with 'seeing the light' about

my family. With my mother it has been especially difficult because she is so

subtle and almost cunning in the things she does. My father is a rageaholic too

so he is easier to detach from, but he does have a way of making scathing

comments to me that I am not expecting that I feel really wounded by. At first

you express the pain and hurt at not having the parent you need, and then as

you get the feelings out you can move forward, little by little, into a bit of

detachment. Hugs.

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Welcome to the group. I think it's so wonderful when Children of BPD/NPD

find out there is a problem with there parent and it's not them..especially

at a younger age. Some of us didn't find this out till our 40's..or older.

Trying to get the emotional support from your father is like trying to get

fresh water from a stone. It's just not going to happen..It's not there.

It's sad..and it stinks because you should be able to. But you must have

already figured out your dad is not like other fathers.

There are a lot of great books out there that will help you understand more

of what your going thru. Books like surviving the borderline parent (which

I'm reading now)..Stop walking on Eggshells. I'm sure there are others that

may be more geared towards a relationship with a father. I'm not sure as

I'm new to the group too.

I can tell you though this group is such a wonderful and loving family..It's

amazing.

Feel free to ask questions..share thoughts..and share yoour experience to

others post.

BTW..I'm job hunting too. So I wish you luck on these interviews,...how

exciting you have had three already! they must definitely like you.

Glad you found us.

Stefanie

>

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

> actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for

> a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and

> has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews

> went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm

> absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I

> have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure

> you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be

> so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own

> father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and get a little

> feedback and love every now and then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Welcome to the group. I think it's so wonderful when Children of BPD/NPD

find out there is a problem with there parent and it's not them..especially

at a younger age. Some of us didn't find this out till our 40's..or older.

Trying to get the emotional support from your father is like trying to get

fresh water from a stone. It's just not going to happen..It's not there.

It's sad..and it stinks because you should be able to. But you must have

already figured out your dad is not like other fathers.

There are a lot of great books out there that will help you understand more

of what your going thru. Books like surviving the borderline parent (which

I'm reading now)..Stop walking on Eggshells. I'm sure there are others that

may be more geared towards a relationship with a father. I'm not sure as

I'm new to the group too.

I can tell you though this group is such a wonderful and loving family..It's

amazing.

Feel free to ask questions..share thoughts..and share yoour experience to

others post.

BTW..I'm job hunting too. So I wish you luck on these interviews,...how

exciting you have had three already! they must definitely like you.

Glad you found us.

Stefanie

>

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

> actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for

> a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and

> has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews

> went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm

> absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I

> have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure

> you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be

> so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own

> father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and get a little

> feedback and love every now and then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Welcome to the group. I think it's so wonderful when Children of BPD/NPD

find out there is a problem with there parent and it's not them..especially

at a younger age. Some of us didn't find this out till our 40's..or older.

Trying to get the emotional support from your father is like trying to get

fresh water from a stone. It's just not going to happen..It's not there.

It's sad..and it stinks because you should be able to. But you must have

already figured out your dad is not like other fathers.

There are a lot of great books out there that will help you understand more

of what your going thru. Books like surviving the borderline parent (which

I'm reading now)..Stop walking on Eggshells. I'm sure there are others that

may be more geared towards a relationship with a father. I'm not sure as

I'm new to the group too.

I can tell you though this group is such a wonderful and loving family..It's

amazing.

Feel free to ask questions..share thoughts..and share yoour experience to

others post.

BTW..I'm job hunting too. So I wish you luck on these interviews,...how

exciting you have had three already! they must definitely like you.

Glad you found us.

Stefanie

>

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

> actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for

> a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and

> has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews

> went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm

> absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I

> have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure

> you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be

> so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own

> father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and get a little

> feedback and love every now and then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

First off breathe.  Hard to deal with I know.  Second off decide what is

important to you and go for it.  Don't look to him for approval because you know

he's probably not going to give it to you, give it to yourself instead.  Do what

is best for you and set limits.

>

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

> actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for

> a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and

> has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews

> went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm

> absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I

> have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure

> you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be

> so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own

> father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and get a little

> feedback and love every now and then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

First off breathe.  Hard to deal with I know.  Second off decide what is

important to you and go for it.  Don't look to him for approval because you know

he's probably not going to give it to you, give it to yourself instead.  Do what

is best for you and set limits.

>

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

> actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for

> a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and

> has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews

> went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm

> absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I

> have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure

> you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be

> so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own

> father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and get a little

> feedback and love every now and then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

First off breathe.  Hard to deal with I know.  Second off decide what is

important to you and go for it.  Don't look to him for approval because you know

he's probably not going to give it to you, give it to yourself instead.  Do what

is best for you and set limits.

>

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

> actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he

> cares? He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares

> up at the most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can

> think about is himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's

> never his fault. He is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And

> he has a really hard time showing that he cares about anyone but himself.

> Financially he always been supportive, but that is about as far as it goes.

> When I try to reach out to him, sometimes he is unresponsive and other times

> he wants to go to dinner every week for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I

> always want his approval. I seek out his support and his advice even though

> I know I won't get it in return most of the time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for

> a job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and

> has not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews

> went. I have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm

> absolutely sure that when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I

> have been too busy providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure

> you are comfortable. God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be

> so needy etc. etc. " .... why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own

> father? For wanting to share my life experiences with him and get a little

> feedback and love every now and then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

> Selfish and unpredictable.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

another good one annie, thanks for sharing.. how to love without *needing* so

much until the love we absorb from supportive others can lead us to love

ourselves and care for ourselves more each day.  i got a lot out of this.

ann

Subject: Re: New to this group, but I definitely need some

coping strategies...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, August 13, 2010, 4:22 PM

 

Hi .

Yes. Its both sad and frustrating to have a dad with the symptoms of borderline

pd and narcissistic pd, who is also a heavy drinker and misuses prescription

drugs.

I think a big part of getting past the hurt and frustration you're feeling is to

understand and accept that he can't or won't change. Nothing you do will have

any effect on how he treats you. You didn't make him the way he is, and you

can't " fix " him.

Until you can accept that reality, you will continue to dash yourself against

his dysfunctional personality, the cold, hard wall of his self-absorption, his

indifference, and his erratic attention span and you will only become more sad

and frustrated. He can't change. He won't change.

All you can do is change the way you think and feel and relate to him; you can

decide that you can love him without *needing* him.

And you can create boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from him when he

becomes emotionally abusive toward you. You can say something like, " I don't

deserve to be spoken to that way, dad. I'm going to hang up now. Talk to you

later. "

You can create more emotional distance: stop expecting him to change. And as

others have advised, look to other sources to get your needs for validation,

approval, advice, and emotional support met. The best of all possible outcomes

is that you will begin to give these things to yourself. But it is always nice

to get recognition, praise and cheers from loving friends and family, I agree.

Then, if and when he does choose to favor you with some of his time and

attention, you can enjoy it without needing it and without expecting more of it,

then feeling hurt and disappointed when he doesn't remain consistent. His

attention will be more like a pleasant, unexpected little present, but its

something you can cheerfully live without. You won't *need* it anymore.

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

another good one annie, thanks for sharing.. how to love without *needing* so

much until the love we absorb from supportive others can lead us to love

ourselves and care for ourselves more each day.  i got a lot out of this.

ann

Subject: Re: New to this group, but I definitely need some

coping strategies...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, August 13, 2010, 4:22 PM

 

Hi .

Yes. Its both sad and frustrating to have a dad with the symptoms of borderline

pd and narcissistic pd, who is also a heavy drinker and misuses prescription

drugs.

I think a big part of getting past the hurt and frustration you're feeling is to

understand and accept that he can't or won't change. Nothing you do will have

any effect on how he treats you. You didn't make him the way he is, and you

can't " fix " him.

Until you can accept that reality, you will continue to dash yourself against

his dysfunctional personality, the cold, hard wall of his self-absorption, his

indifference, and his erratic attention span and you will only become more sad

and frustrated. He can't change. He won't change.

All you can do is change the way you think and feel and relate to him; you can

decide that you can love him without *needing* him.

And you can create boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from him when he

becomes emotionally abusive toward you. You can say something like, " I don't

deserve to be spoken to that way, dad. I'm going to hang up now. Talk to you

later. "

You can create more emotional distance: stop expecting him to change. And as

others have advised, look to other sources to get your needs for validation,

approval, advice, and emotional support met. The best of all possible outcomes

is that you will begin to give these things to yourself. But it is always nice

to get recognition, praise and cheers from loving friends and family, I agree.

Then, if and when he does choose to favor you with some of his time and

attention, you can enjoy it without needing it and without expecting more of it,

then feeling hurt and disappointed when he doesn't remain consistent. His

attention will be more like a pleasant, unexpected little present, but its

something you can cheerfully live without. You won't *need* it anymore.

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

another good one annie, thanks for sharing.. how to love without *needing* so

much until the love we absorb from supportive others can lead us to love

ourselves and care for ourselves more each day.  i got a lot out of this.

ann

Subject: Re: New to this group, but I definitely need some

coping strategies...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, August 13, 2010, 4:22 PM

 

Hi .

Yes. Its both sad and frustrating to have a dad with the symptoms of borderline

pd and narcissistic pd, who is also a heavy drinker and misuses prescription

drugs.

I think a big part of getting past the hurt and frustration you're feeling is to

understand and accept that he can't or won't change. Nothing you do will have

any effect on how he treats you. You didn't make him the way he is, and you

can't " fix " him.

Until you can accept that reality, you will continue to dash yourself against

his dysfunctional personality, the cold, hard wall of his self-absorption, his

indifference, and his erratic attention span and you will only become more sad

and frustrated. He can't change. He won't change.

All you can do is change the way you think and feel and relate to him; you can

decide that you can love him without *needing* him.

And you can create boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself from him when he

becomes emotionally abusive toward you. You can say something like, " I don't

deserve to be spoken to that way, dad. I'm going to hang up now. Talk to you

later. "

You can create more emotional distance: stop expecting him to change. And as

others have advised, look to other sources to get your needs for validation,

approval, advice, and emotional support met. The best of all possible outcomes

is that you will begin to give these things to yourself. But it is always nice

to get recognition, praise and cheers from loving friends and family, I agree.

Then, if and when he does choose to favor you with some of his time and

attention, you can enjoy it without needing it and without expecting more of it,

then feeling hurt and disappointed when he doesn't remain consistent. His

attention will be more like a pleasant, unexpected little present, but its

something you can cheerfully live without. You won't *need* it anymore.

I hope that helps!

-Annie

>

> What to do with a father who is emotionally abusive, doesn't listen when I

actually try and speak to him and who doens't reach out to show that he cares?

He has some of the BPD symptoms. An uncontrollable temper that flares up at the

most random moments, you never know what you'll get. All he can think about is

himself, and that people are always doing wrong to him. It's never his fault. He

is a habitual drinker and prescription drug abuser. And he has a really hard

time showing that he cares about anyone but himself. Financially he always been

supportive, but that is about as far as it goes. When I try to reach out to him,

sometimes he is unresponsive and other times he wants to go to dinner every week

for 4 weeks. He is up and down, but I always want his approval. I seek out his

support and his advice even though I know I won't get it in return most of the

time...

>

> example: I have been through 3 rounds of interviews in the last 2 weeks for a

job that I REALLY WANT. He knows that I am going through this process and has

not called to wish me good luck, not called to see how the interviews went. I

have called and emailed him, but with no response. And I'm absolutely sure that

when he does finally pick up the phone he will say, " I have been too busy

providing for this family. I work my ass of to make sure you are comfortable.

God damnit, I have a lot going on and you shouldn't be so needy etc. etc. " ....

why should I feel bad about reaching out to my own father? For wanting to share

my life experiences with him and get a little feedback and love every now and

then? ...

>

> I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and he's always been like this.

Selfish and unpredictable.

>

[Guest guest]

, here's my electronic hug to you: (((((())))))

This is a very sad situation but one that you can deal with. I too have a

narcisisst father who is a severe alcoholic, always has been, he's 70 now.

Please understand that although this is painful, you will be ok.

Firstly, detaching from him is oh so important. The other posters have written

in more detail about this so I won't reiteriate. I would like only to add that

you might feel different things throughout time as you begin detaching. I felt

immense waves of greif that would wash in and out randomly and unpredictably.

Perhaps you won't but just so you know this is perfectly normal and please allow

yourself to process your feelings without shame or dismissal.

Also there's anger. You might find yourself overwhelmed with regret and angry

feelings over the raw deal you're getting. You're right, you did get a raw deal

and your dad sucks. He just plain sucks and any normal person would feel anger

too. I still struggle to overcome some of my angry feelings about my nada and

fada but every year they become less and less.

Forgiveness, now that's a tough one. There are a lot of different

interpretations and feelings about this one. The best you can do is navigate

this later on down the road in your own personal way, in a way that is healing

for you. Please try not to feel guilty if you can't forgive, some of us never

will......... afterall some things are unforgivable. It's a bit early on to go

here yet but this is a topic that often rears its head among people here, and on

a personal note among my friends/family who don't understand my boundaries and

limited contact. Judgement from others is tough, and it hurts.

We're with you .