Re: Re: To Read or Not to Read? Update

[Guest guest]

Thanks, , your reply helped me decide. I threw them out unread - put

them in a bag that contained shredded paper we'd used as cat little for a

couple of kitties who were just neutered. I figured the letters were sort

of the same as the litter - crap.

DD can do her play thing someday without rereading them, and I think I just

needed somebody else to say: Don't read them.

So they are in the bin at the curb and will be gone forever in the morning.

In a message dated 7/21/2010 2:04:09 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

mbcurtin@... writes:

Hi ,

First of all, I'm glad you recognize your mother's craziness for what it

is, and gaslighting and all of that as being a real thing. You are not a

terrible person. I know you already know that but it never hurts to be told

again. You deserve to live your life, and I'm glad you're living it.

My vote is that you don't read the letters, at least not right now. There

are other more positive things for you to read, ways for you to heal and

move on that don't entail reading poisonous, negative, frustrating

nastygrams. I do like your daughter's idea of making them into a play. If your

daughter can read them - someone who is a generation removed - without getting

upset, then I wouldn't destroy them. It's important for us to get the story

out there, and who knows? The letters might really be turned into something

productive someday. But they're a little like kryptonite - they could harm

you if you get too close, so I say you leave them alone or better yet, put

them in storage or hand them over to your daughter completely.

Thanks for posting,

>

> That is my question.

> My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end, as

> Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death.

She

> relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be

honest,

> I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

> I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I

now

> realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so enmeshed

> that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had

major

> problems.

> For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have, but

> looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged -

she

> became very hermity-waify.

> After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of

normals

> this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were a

> litany of how bad her life was.

> In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

> told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

> " interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me

saying this (I

> think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

> injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and rehab

to be

> doing much " interacting " with anyone.

> Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

> advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to rent

(still

> not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of

these

> letters.

> They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where they

> would surely be found.

> Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with

vitriol

> and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband and

> daughter did and didn't do.

> An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year

of

> 2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday

parties?

> The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our

treatment

> of her made her need to kill herself.

> Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

> would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would

believe all

> the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

>

> Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My

daughter

> read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd make

a

> great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened

being

> shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

>

> My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in the

> garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that

accused him

> of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure. Should

I

> read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit that

she

> is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

> Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

> already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will it

make

> it worse?

>

> What would you do?

>

> I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I

am

> leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy

these

> d*mn letters.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, and phine,

As I wrote in reply to , they are in the trash. In with cat litter.

Appropriate, huh?

they ARE like a little prosecutor. I'd say I would be embarrassed for

someone to read them, but then again, probably not, because all the people

who deal with her now are professionals and they seem to recognize her

insanity.

No hope of her ever getting out of the nursing home, she is too far gone.

As for the play idea, DD can do it without the letters, just using the idea

and her years of her grandmother's insanity. DD and DH and I are all

writers and DD is an actress so it will most likely get written some day.

Meanwhile it was such bad feng shui to have them on the premises.

So with your help I have ridded myself of this burden of THE BOOK, which we

started calling it.

In a message dated 7/21/2010 7:37:59 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

- Clearly, she organized these writings and left them where you'd

find them. It's like she left a little prosecutor standing in her living room,

waving " evidence " of your awful mistreatment of her around. It represents

her warped view of life, but your reaction to it (anger, and the urge to

refute every statement) - is using up YOUR energy and making your husband and

daughter ticked off as well.

So I'd ask this - is there any clinical value to this? If you showed it to

a therapist or her doctor, would it help to solidify the decision to keep

her in the nursing home for the rest of her life? If you showed it to your

therapist (if you have one), would it have any value in explaining what

you're dealing with and helping you work through the process of healing

yourself?

If so, fine. Put the damned thing in a fire safe or a cardboard box, tape

it up so you don't keep getting the urge to read it, and hold it for future

use as " evidence " of your mother's madness and your own wounds. But

realize that if you do use it, you're going to feel compelled to defend

yourself

and your family against every one of her crazy accusations.

She's already in a nursing home, diagnosed with dementia. Everybody around

her is convinced she's not functioning with a working brain. You don't

have to prove to anybody that she's crazy - it's done. Nobody is going to

argue that she should be let out or that you should have to " serve " her any

more.

Therefore, I'm thinking you don't really need to keep the evidence -

again, the exception would be if you are in therapy and feel the need to

" prove "

to your therapist just how crazy she was. There is no prosecutor. You

don't have to defend yourself.

What are the chances of you, or anybody else in your family, really

writing a play or using this notebook in a creative way? If you've got a real

opportunity to use it, fine. But if it's just going to sit in the garage,

festering, then I'd say get rid of it. Have a ceremony - get your husband and

daughter, start a fire, feed the pages in, and state that you are letting go

of your mother's madness and its hold over you.

> >

> > That is my question.

> > My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end,

as

> > Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death.

She

> > relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be

honest,

> > I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

> > I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I

now

> > realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so

enmeshed

> > that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had

major

> > problems.

> > For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have,

but

> > looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged -

she

> > became very hermity-waify.

> > After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of

normals

> > this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were

a

> > litany of how bad her life was.

> > In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

> > told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

> > " interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me

saying this (I

> > think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

> > injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and

rehab to be

> > doing much " interacting " with anyone.

> > Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

> > advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to

rent (still

> > not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of

these

> > letters.

> > They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where

they

> > would surely be found.

> > Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with

vitriol

> > and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband

and

> > daughter did and didn't do.

> > An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year

of

> > 2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday

parties?

> > The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our

treatment

> > of her made her need to kill herself.

> > Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

> > would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would

believe all

> > the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

> >

> > Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My

daughter

> > read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd

make a

> > great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened

being

> > shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

> >

> > My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in

the

> > garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that

accused him

> > of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure.

Should I

> > read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit

that she

> > is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

> > Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

> > already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will

it make

> > it worse?

> >

> > What would you do?

> >

> > I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I

am

> > leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy

these

> > d*mn letters.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>