Hmm, interesting day, followed by more formal introduction

[Guest guest]

So, today has been a rough day. I don't know why, except for the 3 hrs I

thought I'd lost my bluetooth headpiece and spent beating myself up over it, but

it's leading to what for me is a binge. I don't sit down and eat til I feel

sick. I will snack all night. It started by eating a few more chips than

planned while thinking how irresponsible I was after not finding the bluetooth.

Then dinner was just not doing it for me, but I ate it anyway because it was

dinner and it was all things I like so it should have done it for me. Then I

ate the left over chicken, the worst part of dinner, but you know, there wasn't

a lot there, oh and a couple small chocolate chip cookies, I mean, why not, I

made them Wednesday and have only ate 3. I went and got stuff out of the car.

That led to a few more chips. I tried a bite of candy, that led to more chips,

too sweet. Yuck!

Now we are up to the current moment, when the sight of a specific Tupperware

bowl has me wanting to eat chicken nuggets in buffalo wing sauce. I want the

flavor of the sauce. I have plans to have some mint chocolate pie later in the

night with my husband. I gave into a craving yesterday and we are taking it

slow, it will take an easy 3-4 days to finish, and I've been eating slices that

are less than 1/8th of the pie. Although, I will admit that if my husband and I

were to actually make it to the pie, I was thinking of a whole 8th. But really

I'm a salt person, so now I want the buffalo sauce too. What's sad about this,

is I will eat all of this in small enough amounts and spread over enough time

that I will never feel physically horrible about eating it. I will however feel

mentally horrible. I will know that I overate what my body needed, etc.

Introduction part: So, About the first of the year I found myself standing in my

pantry asking " what will make me feel better. " Ding, ding, ding! At that

moment I knew that I needed to change my relationship with food. Believe it or

not, I've never done an actual diet in my life, never have believed in it.

Found truth in , Never Say Diet book. Might mention that I'm

32ish, and I've been surrounded by dieters, so while I'VE never dieted, I have

the diet mentality. Well, after this mental realization, my mother (who hasn't

read it) recommended Intuitive Eating to me. Amazing. Here was exactly what

I'd been thinking, only expanded on. This week I've been reading Women, Food

and God. I spent last night going, 'but, I don't think I have some of those

hang ups. I don't think I beat myself up or think I'm unworthy . . . " Well, if

you remember the episode with the bluetooth today. That was telling. I'm

sitting there, in that parking lot, can't find this tiny $80 thing, calling

myself all sorts of things. Another, ding, ding, ding moment. Especially as I

kept eating chips and suddenly, my plan to go home and eat leftovers, ones I

like and was looking forward to, became hard to stick to. I wanted Pizza.

Grease, fat, cheese, salt, bread, and the only reason I wanted it was I was sad

and depressed and down and mad at myself.

I don't really know anymore where I was going with this. I started typing in

the hope that perhaps, writing it would keep me from making the buffalo sauce.

Not sure if it worked yet, but I know it's helped. Thanks, Dawn