Re: Dear friends, I need some advice..

[Guest guest]

I agree about the " cycle of domestic violence " similarities. My nada would

alternate (in a kind of " Jekyll and Hyde " way) between being normal and motherly

to me, and then being cruel and abusive, and then nice again. So pretty early

on I began to grasp the concept of what being a " whore " must mean: the idea of

being paid to take abuse. Its as though I was being paid off to quietly accept

it when she decided to tear into me and kick me around and call me vile, hurtful

names. Then, she'd be nice again for a while; I'd get attention and sweetness

from her, then she'd shame, humiliate and degrade me again. Mean/sweet,

mean/sweet, mean/sweet, over and over.

Good training for a child to teach her to take physical and emotional abuse from

a husband, sez I. Maybe that's why I shied away so from the idea of ever

marrying. I didn't want that kind of treatment to continue after I'd left home.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I'll try and summarise this time! Here goes...

> > > After two months of attempted failed boundary setting and her

> > eventually telling me she was divorcing me and was glad to be finally

> > free of me, she messaged me out of the blue last night.

> > > It wasn't a nice message. Soon after, she knocked on my door. I was

> > shaky and upset from her message and I didn't answer. A while after she

> > left I went outside expecting to find a letter. Instead I saw pots

> > thrown around and ripped out plants strewn across my garden.

> > > My partner called her to say it wasn't on (first time her has got

> > involved) She told him to F off in an especially nasty tone and told him

> > to prove it. She denied it and told him to prove it.She sent about 30

> > sms messages and left a few messages on my home phone. You can imagine

> > the nature of these- nasty, cutting, skewed sense of reality, bizarre,

> > unrelated things brought up from the past. In short, absolutely crazy!

> > > I phoned a mental health service three times across the course of the

> > night. They told me they would intervene if she was an immediate threat

> > to herself or others. I didn't know what to say. A close friend who has

> > known me forever and has always been an impartial observer with the odd

> > attack aimed at her was alarmed that her behaviour had changed. The

> > pattern was the same- the nasty phone calls and messages, but she has

> > never expressed her anger towards me with a violent act.

> > > I eventually decided at 1.00 in the morning when the messages were

> > still happening that perhaps she did pose an immediate threat. This

> > behaviour was also new. Usually, she would have stopped by that time and

> > taken herself off to bed. At 1.30, the house phone called and my mobile.

> > She wasn't happy to be contacted by a mental health service- " You have

> > no right " " I am being looked after by someone higher than you " ie. God

> > etc.

> > > I need to do something about it. I have had enough. I have tried

> > everything!

> > > Today I went to the police station about getting a restraining order-

> > prospect is very confronting- being in a courtroom with her etc. They

> > told me it would be better to pursue it through a mental health avenue.

> > I went to a local psychiatrist who informed me it was a legal matter!!

> > It seems the situation has to be more severe for them to intervene- an

> > attempted suicide attempt or a direct intention to harm me.

> > > The nature of the borderline deems it very hard for either the legal

> > or the mental health systems to deal with. As she has periods of

> > " normal " behaviour- I can just imagine how cool and calm she was on the

> > phone when they called her last night- there cannot be any intervention

> > from the mental health system as she more or less needs to be in a

> > permanent state of psychosis.

> > > Similarly, I can't imagine a restraining order working. On the

> > contrary I can see it triggering her further as she clearly has no sense

> > of other's boundaries and simply will not leave me alone after many

> > requests.

> > > Does anyone have an experience of getting a restraining order or

> > intervention from the mental health system?

> > > Does anyone think that this new violent behaviour will be her new

> > benchmark and that it will escalate from here?

> > > I have a baby to protect. I am scared and nervous and don't know what

> > she will do next.

> > > I really need to act on this to stop her from contacting me.

> > > Any advice would be much appreciated.

> > > Exhausted.

> > > Lynda

> > >

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