Re: Has anyone gotten rid of their fear??

[Guest guest]

Oooh do I ever.

First of all, I think NC is like quitting smoking. You try more than one

time, right. And you get better at it each time. Takes an average of 7

attempts to quit smoking.

And 2, it doesnt' matter if they find you. Just don't engage, don't engage,

don't engage. Just walk away. I've had to do it. They brought me gifts -

boyfriend threw them in the trash, I never saw them. Saw nada and bada at an

art museum - turned around and walked away. Get emails? File them for the

restraining order. They call? Familiar number, do not answer, have someone

else listen to the message.

It is just exactly like at the end of the movie Labrinth. The girl grows up

and realizes - " You have no power over me. "

That's my mantra - a movie from my childhood represents my childhood. Find

your anthem (mine is Freak show), your movie quote (you have no power over

me), tuck your books (borderline mother and eggshells and for me, people of

the lie) under your arm and just do your best. You don't have to be perfect

at NC anyway, no one is judging you.

Anyone remember the mother's day song 2-3 years ago - there must be 50 ways

to leave your Nada.

Yeah, sing it!

And we're here for ya.

GS

On Fri, Aug 6, 2010 at 12:49 PM, cocochanel1005 wrote:

>

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid:

> afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep

> NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that

> consists of nada and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given

> " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

> will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

> There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

> back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most,

> it will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oooh do I ever.

First of all, I think NC is like quitting smoking. You try more than one

time, right. And you get better at it each time. Takes an average of 7

attempts to quit smoking.

And 2, it doesnt' matter if they find you. Just don't engage, don't engage,

don't engage. Just walk away. I've had to do it. They brought me gifts -

boyfriend threw them in the trash, I never saw them. Saw nada and bada at an

art museum - turned around and walked away. Get emails? File them for the

restraining order. They call? Familiar number, do not answer, have someone

else listen to the message.

It is just exactly like at the end of the movie Labrinth. The girl grows up

and realizes - " You have no power over me. "

That's my mantra - a movie from my childhood represents my childhood. Find

your anthem (mine is Freak show), your movie quote (you have no power over

me), tuck your books (borderline mother and eggshells and for me, people of

the lie) under your arm and just do your best. You don't have to be perfect

at NC anyway, no one is judging you.

Anyone remember the mother's day song 2-3 years ago - there must be 50 ways

to leave your Nada.

Yeah, sing it!

And we're here for ya.

GS

On Fri, Aug 6, 2010 at 12:49 PM, cocochanel1005 wrote:

>

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid:

> afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep

> NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that

> consists of nada and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given

> " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

> will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

> There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

> back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most,

> it will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oooh do I ever.

First of all, I think NC is like quitting smoking. You try more than one

time, right. And you get better at it each time. Takes an average of 7

attempts to quit smoking.

And 2, it doesnt' matter if they find you. Just don't engage, don't engage,

don't engage. Just walk away. I've had to do it. They brought me gifts -

boyfriend threw them in the trash, I never saw them. Saw nada and bada at an

art museum - turned around and walked away. Get emails? File them for the

restraining order. They call? Familiar number, do not answer, have someone

else listen to the message.

It is just exactly like at the end of the movie Labrinth. The girl grows up

and realizes - " You have no power over me. "

That's my mantra - a movie from my childhood represents my childhood. Find

your anthem (mine is Freak show), your movie quote (you have no power over

me), tuck your books (borderline mother and eggshells and for me, people of

the lie) under your arm and just do your best. You don't have to be perfect

at NC anyway, no one is judging you.

Anyone remember the mother's day song 2-3 years ago - there must be 50 ways

to leave your Nada.

Yeah, sing it!

And we're here for ya.

GS

On Fri, Aug 6, 2010 at 12:49 PM, cocochanel1005 wrote:

>

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid:

> afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep

> NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that

> consists of nada and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given

> " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

> will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

> There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

> back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most,

> it will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Best of luck to you. I'm afraid I don't know your backstory, but your parents

must be pretty abusive if you're going into hiding from them. If they begin

stalking and harassing you, you can get a restraining order taken out against

them.

I hope it all turns out the way you want it to.

best wishes,

-Annie

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid: afraid

nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep NC, afraid

to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that consists of nada

and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it

will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Best of luck to you. I'm afraid I don't know your backstory, but your parents

must be pretty abusive if you're going into hiding from them. If they begin

stalking and harassing you, you can get a restraining order taken out against

them.

I hope it all turns out the way you want it to.

best wishes,

-Annie

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid: afraid

nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep NC, afraid

to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that consists of nada

and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it

will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I second what GS said - it takes practice but I found that the longer I was away

from the bp craziness, the more I cherished that peace and wanted to fight for

it with all I have. Most of us spent years thinking pbd world was normally and

now you have to re-write your normal. You can do it!!

patinage

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid: afraid

nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep NC, afraid

to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that consists of nada

and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it

will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think the way to conquer fears that are reasonable in their

nature is to have a plan for dealing with what to do if what you

fear comes to be. When you're calm, sit down and make a list of

what you're afraid of. Then take each item and come up with

possible ways to handle it. (Don't try to do it all at once. If

you start feeling panicky or otherwise unable to think clearly,

stop working on it until you feel calmer again.) Having a plan

makes it a lot easier to avoid letting them have their way. If

you have a plan, you don't have to try to make major decisions

in a hurry under pressure. The unknown tends to be scarier than

the known, so knowing what you intend to do helps make the

possibilities less scary.

Also, as you're away from them longer, you should feel more sure

of yourself and your ability to stay away from them. Success

tends to breed confidence and confidence helps you to stand

firm.

At 02:49 PM 08/06/2010 cocochanel1005 wrote:

>The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really

>afraid: afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be

>strong enough to keep NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and

>afraid to have a family again that consists of nada and fada.

>(I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

>

>*And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment

>at which I will be able to not worry about these things, short

>of nada and fada dying. There will always be a chance that they

>will find me, that I will get sucked back in, that I won't keep

>NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it will never

>truly be *over*.

>

>Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I think the way to conquer fears that are reasonable in their

nature is to have a plan for dealing with what to do if what you

fear comes to be. When you're calm, sit down and make a list of

what you're afraid of. Then take each item and come up with

possible ways to handle it. (Don't try to do it all at once. If

you start feeling panicky or otherwise unable to think clearly,

stop working on it until you feel calmer again.) Having a plan

makes it a lot easier to avoid letting them have their way. If

you have a plan, you don't have to try to make major decisions

in a hurry under pressure. The unknown tends to be scarier than

the known, so knowing what you intend to do helps make the

possibilities less scary.

Also, as you're away from them longer, you should feel more sure

of yourself and your ability to stay away from them. Success

tends to breed confidence and confidence helps you to stand

firm.

At 02:49 PM 08/06/2010 cocochanel1005 wrote:

>The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really

>afraid: afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be

>strong enough to keep NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and

>afraid to have a family again that consists of nada and fada.

>(I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

>

>*And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment

>at which I will be able to not worry about these things, short

>of nada and fada dying. There will always be a chance that they

>will find me, that I will get sucked back in, that I won't keep

>NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it will never

>truly be *over*.

>

>Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

- My hope for you is that NC will make you so comfortable and confident

that even if your parents and brother show up at your new apartment, you'll be

able to tell them you don't want to see them, lock the deadbolt, and go on about

your business, no matter how much screaming and pounding they do. They have

been waaaaaaay over-invasive for a long time, based on what you've written.

Their assumption that they have " rights " to your life are... crazy, IMO.

Best of luck in the next couple of weeks - don't let your resolve weaken.

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your comments. I am trying to start thinking of NC as a

process and not an endpoint, although man do I wish it were an endpoint!

Katrina, I like your idea about writing how to deal with all my fears. I've made

a list of my fears already, but for some reason it hasn't occurred to me to

write solutions.

I have my last appt with my T on monday, which is a whole other " fear " . It's

just a lot of life changes at once: new city, new identity, no friends, and

starting over with a T. I know I can do it, I've moved all around the world and

have proved to myself how adaptable I am. It's just going to be overwhelming for

a while!

It's starting to dawn on me that I might be more emotionally ready for NC than

I've given myself credit. I feel pretty strong and I take time each day to

journal to absorb what's going on. I think one of the reasons I got anxious is

all of my friends are expecting me to have a response...something like a nervous

breakdown. Their perspective is totally different though- I've been mourning

this loss since middle school, it didn't *just* happen. I honestly haven't had

feelings for FOO in a really really long time. I've just expected to feel

sadness/regret/anguish because it seems to be what everyone expects me to feel.

I also can't believe that something as good as NC can happen to me without me

experiencing something negative. That's another reason I've been anticipating

some kind of a meltdown- I don't believe that I could receive such a *gift*

without paying some kind of penalty.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and for listening! I'll try to write an update

next week as I enter NC

> >The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really

> >afraid: afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be

> >strong enough to keep NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and

> >afraid to have a family again that consists of nada and fada.

> >(I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

> >

> >*And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment

> >at which I will be able to not worry about these things, short

> >of nada and fada dying. There will always be a chance that they

> >will find me, that I will get sucked back in, that I won't keep

> >NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it will never

> >truly be *over*.

> >

> >Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your comments. I am trying to start thinking of NC as a

process and not an endpoint, although man do I wish it were an endpoint!

Katrina, I like your idea about writing how to deal with all my fears. I've made

a list of my fears already, but for some reason it hasn't occurred to me to

write solutions.

I have my last appt with my T on monday, which is a whole other " fear " . It's

just a lot of life changes at once: new city, new identity, no friends, and

starting over with a T. I know I can do it, I've moved all around the world and

have proved to myself how adaptable I am. It's just going to be overwhelming for

a while!

It's starting to dawn on me that I might be more emotionally ready for NC than

I've given myself credit. I feel pretty strong and I take time each day to

journal to absorb what's going on. I think one of the reasons I got anxious is

all of my friends are expecting me to have a response...something like a nervous

breakdown. Their perspective is totally different though- I've been mourning

this loss since middle school, it didn't *just* happen. I honestly haven't had

feelings for FOO in a really really long time. I've just expected to feel

sadness/regret/anguish because it seems to be what everyone expects me to feel.

I also can't believe that something as good as NC can happen to me without me

experiencing something negative. That's another reason I've been anticipating

some kind of a meltdown- I don't believe that I could receive such a *gift*

without paying some kind of penalty.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and for listening! I'll try to write an update

next week as I enter NC

> >The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really

> >afraid: afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be

> >strong enough to keep NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and

> >afraid to have a family again that consists of nada and fada.

> >(I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

> >

> >*And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment

> >at which I will be able to not worry about these things, short

> >of nada and fada dying. There will always be a chance that they

> >will find me, that I will get sucked back in, that I won't keep

> >NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it will never

> >truly be *over*.

> >

> >Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your comments. I am trying to start thinking of NC as a

process and not an endpoint, although man do I wish it were an endpoint!

Katrina, I like your idea about writing how to deal with all my fears. I've made

a list of my fears already, but for some reason it hasn't occurred to me to

write solutions.

I have my last appt with my T on monday, which is a whole other " fear " . It's

just a lot of life changes at once: new city, new identity, no friends, and

starting over with a T. I know I can do it, I've moved all around the world and

have proved to myself how adaptable I am. It's just going to be overwhelming for

a while!

It's starting to dawn on me that I might be more emotionally ready for NC than

I've given myself credit. I feel pretty strong and I take time each day to

journal to absorb what's going on. I think one of the reasons I got anxious is

all of my friends are expecting me to have a response...something like a nervous

breakdown. Their perspective is totally different though- I've been mourning

this loss since middle school, it didn't *just* happen. I honestly haven't had

feelings for FOO in a really really long time. I've just expected to feel

sadness/regret/anguish because it seems to be what everyone expects me to feel.

I also can't believe that something as good as NC can happen to me without me

experiencing something negative. That's another reason I've been anticipating

some kind of a meltdown- I don't believe that I could receive such a *gift*

without paying some kind of penalty.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and for listening! I'll try to write an update

next week as I enter NC

> >The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really

> >afraid: afraid nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be

> >strong enough to keep NC, afraid to get sucked back in, and

> >afraid to have a family again that consists of nada and fada.

> >(I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

> >

> >*And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment

> >at which I will be able to not worry about these things, short

> >of nada and fada dying. There will always be a chance that they

> >will find me, that I will get sucked back in, that I won't keep

> >NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it will never

> >truly be *over*.

> >

> >Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Adding in my wishes too - good luck! Everyone's already said what I would write

about dealing with the fear side of it. Remember you deserve to be happy.

>

> - My hope for you is that NC will make you so comfortable and confident

that even if your parents and brother show up at your new apartment, you'll be

able to tell them you don't want to see them, lock the deadbolt, and go on about

your business, no matter how much screaming and pounding they do. They have

been waaaaaaay over-invasive for a long time, based on what you've written.

Their assumption that they have " rights " to your life are... crazy, IMO.

>

> Best of luck in the next couple of weeks - don't let your resolve weaken.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Adding in my wishes too - good luck! Everyone's already said what I would write

about dealing with the fear side of it. Remember you deserve to be happy.

>

> - My hope for you is that NC will make you so comfortable and confident

that even if your parents and brother show up at your new apartment, you'll be

able to tell them you don't want to see them, lock the deadbolt, and go on about

your business, no matter how much screaming and pounding they do. They have

been waaaaaaay over-invasive for a long time, based on what you've written.

Their assumption that they have " rights " to your life are... crazy, IMO.

>

> Best of luck in the next couple of weeks - don't let your resolve weaken.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Adding in my wishes too - good luck! Everyone's already said what I would write

about dealing with the fear side of it. Remember you deserve to be happy.

>

> - My hope for you is that NC will make you so comfortable and confident

that even if your parents and brother show up at your new apartment, you'll be

able to tell them you don't want to see them, lock the deadbolt, and go on about

your business, no matter how much screaming and pounding they do. They have

been waaaaaaay over-invasive for a long time, based on what you've written.

Their assumption that they have " rights " to your life are... crazy, IMO.

>

> Best of luck in the next couple of weeks - don't let your resolve weaken.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm soooo close I can almost feel the freedom! I should *officially* be NC by

friday/sat of next weekend (and moved and in the clear in two days, on tues!).

I think part of why I've been so fearful is I have been letting go of my anger

and viewing nada and fada as sad, pathetic people. I know this is a positive

step forward, but in my case, I don't think it's a good thing. It allowed me to

feel guilt again (how can I abandon such sick people?) and it let in the fear

because I didn't know how I wouldn't feel sorry for them if I saw them in

person.

Several recent events have brought me right back to angry, which is where I'd

like to stay for a little while. It definitely protects me and reminds me why

I'm going NC.

Here are the short versions of these recent events:

1. Had to talk to nada/fada today, told them I was at a wedding to try to keep

it short. Then, over the next 4 hrs, nada called 8 times and texted repeatedly,

continuously saying she " needed " to book a ticket for me to visit her. I've been

avoiding this so nada and fada don't waste the money but f*ck it, if she's going

to be like that it's not my problem. I gave her fake dates, so of course she

booked the ticket on other dates that worked for her schedule (i.e. when some

random boy from India-who she wants me to marry-is flying in). And I haven't

heard from her since, because she got her way.

2. I'm preparing bank statements to transfer funds and I was checking on

investment records from nada/fada. I set up online accounts to check their

balances and noticed...there is a huge amount of money in my name that hasn't

been accounted for- basically, nada/fada never told me I had that money.

Unfortunately I can't really access it bec I have to go through their financial

planner but still...ridiculous!

Sigh. Thank you all for your support, I don't know what I would do without you!!

>

> The time is finally here- I'm going NC next week and I'm really afraid: afraid

nada and fada will find me, afraid I won't be strong enough to keep NC, afraid

to get sucked back in, and afraid to have a family again that consists of nada

and fada. (I am not afraid of not having my given " family " ).

>

> *And* the thing that makes me most afraid is there is no moment at which I

will be able to not worry about these things, short of nada and fada dying.

There will always be a chance that they will find me, that I will get sucked

back in, that I won't keep NC. *That* is the thing that worries me the most, it

will never truly be *over*.

>

> Does anyone have words of wisdom for working on their fears??

>

>

>