Re: Constantly avoiding being like nada...

[Guest guest]

SJJ,

The first thing to recognize here is that your husband has given

you good reason to be furious. You're not over-reacting or

making a mountain out of a molehill like our nadas often do.

Freaking out when you found out about it sounds like a normal

reaction to me. The second thing to recognize is that the way

nadas behave is often an exageration of normal behavior, so

doing things that remind you of what your nada did is not

necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on whether the level of

what you're doing matches what you're reacting to, whether

you're in control of your emotions and actions, and whether it

is a behavior that is constructive under the circumstances. The

problem with nadas' behavior is that their emotional are out of

control, and their actions are not appropriate reactions and/or

are way out of proportion to what's happening. Less extreme

versions of some of the same actions when done in more

appropriate situations do not make you nada-like.

That being said, I'd say that barely speaking to him is not

going to help. Being too angry to speak to him about it at first

is understandable and a pretty common reaction to something like

that. Don't let that go on for very long though. Not speaking to

him at all over a more extended time period is not constructive

and is rather nada-like. Working through problems like this

requires communicating, and refusing to willingly speak with him

cuts off communications pretty severely. The longer you don't

talk, the harder it will be to start talking reasonably again.

My recommendation is to calmly sit down and talk to him about

it, preferably using non-confrontational language as much as

possible. See if you can find out if he has an explanation for

why he did it and lied to you about it. He's broken your trust

and trust is important to a marriage. He's going to have to earn

it back and he probably should be given a chance to do so. Has

he made a habit of lying to you and doing things behind your

back? If not, he must have had what seemed like a good reason to

him. You may need some marriage counselling to help get through

this. Good luck with it.

At 10:08 AM 08/08/2010 sara j wrote:

>I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

>When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not

>being right with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort

>not to be so difficult and unreasonable in relationships.

>

>It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly

>being self aware....constantly questioning my reactions,

>thoughts, feelings.

>

>Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

>I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

>I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit

>card and we had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

>I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole

>time. Without the presence of an emergency.

>I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills

>and balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but

>to tell me about it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

>He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on

>it, and he kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment

>on a credit card without knowing the balance.

>

>Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been

>talking all weekend.

>

>I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

>I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

>I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was

>angry. She would withdraw her love from me. not speak to

>me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

>Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

>I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the

>appropriate way to act?

>

>I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage,

>but I can't even try to handle it without reminding myself of

>nada.

>

>I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly

>around me. I remind myself of her so much sometimes.

>NC or not, she's always there.

>I hate it.

>~SJJ

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

SJJ,

The first thing to recognize here is that your husband has given

you good reason to be furious. You're not over-reacting or

making a mountain out of a molehill like our nadas often do.

Freaking out when you found out about it sounds like a normal

reaction to me. The second thing to recognize is that the way

nadas behave is often an exageration of normal behavior, so

doing things that remind you of what your nada did is not

necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on whether the level of

what you're doing matches what you're reacting to, whether

you're in control of your emotions and actions, and whether it

is a behavior that is constructive under the circumstances. The

problem with nadas' behavior is that their emotional are out of

control, and their actions are not appropriate reactions and/or

are way out of proportion to what's happening. Less extreme

versions of some of the same actions when done in more

appropriate situations do not make you nada-like.

That being said, I'd say that barely speaking to him is not

going to help. Being too angry to speak to him about it at first

is understandable and a pretty common reaction to something like

that. Don't let that go on for very long though. Not speaking to

him at all over a more extended time period is not constructive

and is rather nada-like. Working through problems like this

requires communicating, and refusing to willingly speak with him

cuts off communications pretty severely. The longer you don't

talk, the harder it will be to start talking reasonably again.

My recommendation is to calmly sit down and talk to him about

it, preferably using non-confrontational language as much as

possible. See if you can find out if he has an explanation for

why he did it and lied to you about it. He's broken your trust

and trust is important to a marriage. He's going to have to earn

it back and he probably should be given a chance to do so. Has

he made a habit of lying to you and doing things behind your

back? If not, he must have had what seemed like a good reason to

him. You may need some marriage counselling to help get through

this. Good luck with it.

At 10:08 AM 08/08/2010 sara j wrote:

>I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

>When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not

>being right with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort

>not to be so difficult and unreasonable in relationships.

>

>It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly

>being self aware....constantly questioning my reactions,

>thoughts, feelings.

>

>Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

>I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

>I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit

>card and we had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

>I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole

>time. Without the presence of an emergency.

>I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills

>and balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but

>to tell me about it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

>He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on

>it, and he kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment

>on a credit card without knowing the balance.

>

>Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been

>talking all weekend.

>

>I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

>I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

>I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was

>angry. She would withdraw her love from me. not speak to

>me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

>Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

>I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the

>appropriate way to act?

>

>I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage,

>but I can't even try to handle it without reminding myself of

>nada.

>

>I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly

>around me. I remind myself of her so much sometimes.

>NC or not, she's always there.

>I hate it.

>~SJJ

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

SJJ,

The first thing to recognize here is that your husband has given

you good reason to be furious. You're not over-reacting or

making a mountain out of a molehill like our nadas often do.

Freaking out when you found out about it sounds like a normal

reaction to me. The second thing to recognize is that the way

nadas behave is often an exageration of normal behavior, so

doing things that remind you of what your nada did is not

necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on whether the level of

what you're doing matches what you're reacting to, whether

you're in control of your emotions and actions, and whether it

is a behavior that is constructive under the circumstances. The

problem with nadas' behavior is that their emotional are out of

control, and their actions are not appropriate reactions and/or

are way out of proportion to what's happening. Less extreme

versions of some of the same actions when done in more

appropriate situations do not make you nada-like.

That being said, I'd say that barely speaking to him is not

going to help. Being too angry to speak to him about it at first

is understandable and a pretty common reaction to something like

that. Don't let that go on for very long though. Not speaking to

him at all over a more extended time period is not constructive

and is rather nada-like. Working through problems like this

requires communicating, and refusing to willingly speak with him

cuts off communications pretty severely. The longer you don't

talk, the harder it will be to start talking reasonably again.

My recommendation is to calmly sit down and talk to him about

it, preferably using non-confrontational language as much as

possible. See if you can find out if he has an explanation for

why he did it and lied to you about it. He's broken your trust

and trust is important to a marriage. He's going to have to earn

it back and he probably should be given a chance to do so. Has

he made a habit of lying to you and doing things behind your

back? If not, he must have had what seemed like a good reason to

him. You may need some marriage counselling to help get through

this. Good luck with it.

At 10:08 AM 08/08/2010 sara j wrote:

>I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

>When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not

>being right with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort

>not to be so difficult and unreasonable in relationships.

>

>It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly

>being self aware....constantly questioning my reactions,

>thoughts, feelings.

>

>Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

>I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

>I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit

>card and we had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

>I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole

>time. Without the presence of an emergency.

>I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills

>and balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but

>to tell me about it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

>He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on

>it, and he kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment

>on a credit card without knowing the balance.

>

>Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been

>talking all weekend.

>

>I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

>I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

>I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was

>angry. She would withdraw her love from me. not speak to

>me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

>Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

>I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the

>appropriate way to act?

>

>I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage,

>but I can't even try to handle it without reminding myself of

>nada.

>

>I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly

>around me. I remind myself of her so much sometimes.

>NC or not, she's always there.

>I hate it.

>~SJJ

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Just my opinion, but I don't think you are your nada for getting angry over

something like that! And it seems perfectly normal to me to need a break -

and not want to talk to him for a couple of days. I don't think that's nada.

I think that's normal! I think one thing we have to learn (this is one I'm

working on right now) is that its okay to get angry - remember when that

wasn't allowed? Nada was the only one who could get angry. Well, I'm taking

anger and enforcment of my boundaries back, just like justin timberlake is

taking sexy back.

Mwah, loves! Lemme know if you want to chat.

GS

>

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> the presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> without knowing the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just my opinion, but I don't think you are your nada for getting angry over

something like that! And it seems perfectly normal to me to need a break -

and not want to talk to him for a couple of days. I don't think that's nada.

I think that's normal! I think one thing we have to learn (this is one I'm

working on right now) is that its okay to get angry - remember when that

wasn't allowed? Nada was the only one who could get angry. Well, I'm taking

anger and enforcment of my boundaries back, just like justin timberlake is

taking sexy back.

Mwah, loves! Lemme know if you want to chat.

GS

>

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> the presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> without knowing the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just my opinion, but I don't think you are your nada for getting angry over

something like that! And it seems perfectly normal to me to need a break -

and not want to talk to him for a couple of days. I don't think that's nada.

I think that's normal! I think one thing we have to learn (this is one I'm

working on right now) is that its okay to get angry - remember when that

wasn't allowed? Nada was the only one who could get angry. Well, I'm taking

anger and enforcment of my boundaries back, just like justin timberlake is

taking sexy back.

Mwah, loves! Lemme know if you want to chat.

GS

>

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> the presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> without knowing the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sara j,

If I found my partner lying to me, I would feel horribly betrayed, and would

freak out too.

As for the not talking. I don't think it's the actions, but the emotion

behind it that matters. I sometimes don't talk to people, because I know I

won't be able to control myself and I will lash out. On the other hand, I

remember when I was younger, and still copying my fada's behavior, I would

give the silent treatment in order to " show them the price " .

What ever you do decide, make sure not to disregard your needs. You deserve

a safe and loving environment and are not a bad or selfish person for

pursuing it. All of us here will support your decision and want the best

for you.

Best,

[Guest guest]

Sara j,

If I found my partner lying to me, I would feel horribly betrayed, and would

freak out too.

As for the not talking. I don't think it's the actions, but the emotion

behind it that matters. I sometimes don't talk to people, because I know I

won't be able to control myself and I will lash out. On the other hand, I

remember when I was younger, and still copying my fada's behavior, I would

give the silent treatment in order to " show them the price " .

What ever you do decide, make sure not to disregard your needs. You deserve

a safe and loving environment and are not a bad or selfish person for

pursuing it. All of us here will support your decision and want the best

for you.

Best,

[Guest guest]

another common thread of nadas.....mine is allowed to get angry especially at me

but when i express my anger, it is completely unacceptable. i have internalized

anger, sadness as " bad " emotions so that when i have them, there is all this

guilt associated with those feelings. healthy persons feel the full range of

emotions, it is the behavior associated with these emotions that needs to be

addressed for me personally.

felicia

as a side note, i stayed in an abusive marriage way too long because i believed

if i divorced that i too would turn out like mynada. alone, negative,. isolated

from people. good ole black white thinking again.....

 

" You'd be amazed how much it costs to look this cheap. " ~Dolly Parton

" Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it; boldness has genius, power and

magic in it. " Goethe

 

>

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> the presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> without knowing the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

another common thread of nadas.....mine is allowed to get angry especially at me

but when i express my anger, it is completely unacceptable. i have internalized

anger, sadness as " bad " emotions so that when i have them, there is all this

guilt associated with those feelings. healthy persons feel the full range of

emotions, it is the behavior associated with these emotions that needs to be

addressed for me personally.

felicia

as a side note, i stayed in an abusive marriage way too long because i believed

if i divorced that i too would turn out like mynada. alone, negative,. isolated

from people. good ole black white thinking again.....

 

" You'd be amazed how much it costs to look this cheap. " ~Dolly Parton

" Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it; boldness has genius, power and

magic in it. " Goethe

 

>

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> the presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> without knowing the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

another common thread of nadas.....mine is allowed to get angry especially at me

but when i express my anger, it is completely unacceptable. i have internalized

anger, sadness as " bad " emotions so that when i have them, there is all this

guilt associated with those feelings. healthy persons feel the full range of

emotions, it is the behavior associated with these emotions that needs to be

addressed for me personally.

felicia

as a side note, i stayed in an abusive marriage way too long because i believed

if i divorced that i too would turn out like mynada. alone, negative,. isolated

from people. good ole black white thinking again.....

 

" You'd be amazed how much it costs to look this cheap. " ~Dolly Parton

" Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it; boldness has genius, power and

magic in it. " Goethe

 

>

>

> I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

>

> When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> unreasonable in relationships.

>

> It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

>

> Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

>

> I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

>

> I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> the presence of an emergency.

> I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> it because he had to make a payment on it.

>

> He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> without knowing the balance.

>

> Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> weekend.

>

> I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

>

> I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

>

> Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

>

> I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> act?

>

> I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

>

> I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> NC or not, she's always there.

> I hate it.

> ~SJJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your support.

I tried to talk with him earlier....and it didn't turn out too well. He said he

was sorry in an exasperated way, but doesn't agree that his dishonesty was a

" big deal " .

I'm so angry with him that I don't even want to look at him, let alone speak to

him.

It's too much on me to go beyond the " silent treatment " . I just want to feel how

I feel and act however I act.

I'll worry about the consequences later.

You guys are right, I do not deserve this. Especially with everything else I've

got going on.

I've also caught myself feeling " victimized " as nadas like to do. I'm thinking

" well, first it's my mom, my sister, and now the last person I would expect to

betray me, my own husband " .

I see my therapist tomorrow night. Perhaps if I'm not too exhausted from

thinking about all this, I will discuss it with her.

~SJJ

>

> >

> >

> > I'm not sure how successful I've been at this lately.

> >

> > When I had my " ah ha! " moment a few years ago about things not being right

> > with my nada, I began to make a conscience effort not to be so difficult and

> > unreasonable in relationships.

> >

> > It's so exhausting trying to do that all the time...constantly being self

> > aware....constantly questioning my reactions, thoughts, feelings.

> >

> > Well, this weekend I had a true test of my abilities.

> >

> > I found out my husband lied about some financial stuff.

> >

> > I completely freaked out on him. He had obtained a new credit card and we

> > had agreed to only use it for emergencies.

> > I found out the other day that he's been using it the whole time. Without

> > the presence of an emergency.

> > I take care of most of the finances so when I was paying bills and

> > balancing the account the other day, he had no choice but to tell me about

> > it because he had to make a payment on it.

> >

> > He did lie to me...I kept asking him what the balance was on it, and he

> > kept saying he didn't know. You don't make a payment on a credit card

> > without knowing the balance.

> >

> > Anywho, We had a HUGE argument about it, and we've barely been talking all

> > weekend.

> >

> > I am still very angry, and I'm holding a grudge.

> > I'm not voluntarily speak to him.

> >

> > I feel like I'm doing what my nada used to do when she was angry. She would

> > withdraw her love from me. not speak to me....nothing. It was hurtful.

> >

> > Now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to my husband.

> >

> > I don't know how to handle stuff like this. What is the appropriate way to

> > act?

> >

> > I'm confused. Not only do I have a problem with my marriage, but I can't

> > even try to handle it without reminding myself of nada.

> >

> > I'm NC with nada, but I still feel like she is constantly around me. I

> > remind myself of her so much sometimes.

> > NC or not, she's always there.

> > I hate it.

> > ~SJJ

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>