I need advice

[Guest guest]

Hi,

As some of you may remember I'm still faily new to this board and just dicovered

the concept of BPD less then a month ago. Though I have to say it has been such

a pivital point in my life....It also sucks.

Becouse now I know for sure there is a problem. Now I know for sure my

childhood was denied from me. Now I know I have been mistreated and lied to and

used and totaly screwed up in the head. All of a sudden that past few weeks I

am remembering and seeing things I never realized before. I guess the best was

to discribe how I feel right now is like in the movie Matrix when they take the

pill that lets them see the truth and they dicover that the life they lived is

just a big lie..nothing was real..it was just information fed into there brain.

Not that I want to go back..but what do I do now? I have not spoken to my

Mother in almost 3 weeks. I can't stop thinking about stuff...I have wicked bad

anxiety and I keep taking clonazapan to relax..I hate doing that..I don't want

to numb myself but the anxiety is so bad..even when I'm not thinking about stuff

when I'm out with friends having a great time I'm really in my head trying to

calm myself down.

I want so badly to go to therepy but I am currently unemployed and have been

working contract jobs the past 2 years so I don't have health insurance. I

called the place I use do therepy at and it's $70 per appointment at a discount

rate.

I don't qualify for any government run stuff they say I make to much money :/

I'm reading surveing the borderline parent which is great but I wish I could

stop thinking about it...I'm not feeling angry or anything like that or

depressed..just my mind is in anylical mode. How can I stop thinking about

this..and shut myself up.

I don't want to costanly drive people around me crazy talking about my mother! I

just want to forget it and make it go away..is that possible..is this normal?

Stefanie