Re: A storm is on the way…..

August 20, 2010

I know that normally, responding to these screeds is not advised, but I'm

wondering - what if you sent a short, sweet letter to your mom, dad

(separately), sister, her fiance, and one or two other relatives who would be

most likely to be recruited as flying monkeys? The letter (the same one for

everybody) could tell them that you are glad for your sister and wish her

happiness, but you need to preserve your boundaries due to past problems within

the family, and therefore you will be willing to attend the wedding as a

" civilian " (rather than as a member of the wedding party), but that's as far as

you're willing to go - period. If your sister is willing to invite you to the

wedding as a guest, you'd love to come and wish her the best. If not, you

understand and will send best wishes from afar.

I'm sure this would tick Nada off royally, but it sounds like she's gearing up

anyway. Maybe it would help if you gave the same statement to everybody at

once, so she can't go telling tales and martialling her forces to harass you for

a full year?

KO's - what say you? Would this just be asking for trouble?

>

> Nada sent me a 6 page text yesterday. It was all the same old bull she always

says, but it was the first time she has attempted any contact in a pretty long

time. She works in waves and with my sister wedding on the way I have a feeling

of impending doom for the next year.

>

> The context of the message was the usual, she wants to get together and work

this out once and for all, forgive and forget, she avoided all blame, and

instead blamed my dh and grandma, but never me directly blamed me because in

her mind I am a victim of brainwashing because I don't grovel anymore. I don't

really know what else she said, I don't really want to read it again.

>

> Maybe I am way off, but she is like a bad addiction or something it leaves a

person weak. Yesterday I wanted to reply SO badly it was like a need (but I

didn't do it). I felt like I was relapsing or something. I have not felt a need

to say anything to her for years, but I think I felt this charge because of the

whole thing with my sister. I wanted to write a message back to Nada and

dishrag I was so mad. And even to my sister for repeating everything I said. It

took every ounce of physical and emotional strength I had to just not let it

bother me, not even respond. I felt like somebody came and sucked all my energy

from my body. I was physically weak and could hardly raise my arms to iron

clothes and sheets. I felt so drained.

>

> It's a struggle to deal with her, or not deal with her. I know this is going

to be " the year " I know she is coming to my house soon, I can feel it. I don't

want to get another restraining order, that whole business is such a pain, but I

am dreading that if she starts again I will have no choice. I guess I will just

wait it out and see how bad it gets. I am so thankful that I have this group and

a few other KO's in my life, plus my DH and grandma. I really need the support

and there are so few who so deeply understand and can help. Thank you so much.

LB

>

August 20, 2010

I think your nada is a good manipulator and is using your sister's upcoming

wedding as a handy tool/opportunity to attempt to use sheer volume and quantity

of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to wear down your resolve and pressure you

to do what she wants. If you usually eventually give in, then she'll just keep

it up until you cave; you've taught her what will work to defeat you.

Sometimes the only way to " win " is to just not play the game.

Keep in mind that manipulative personality-disordered person will see any

response at all from you as a " win " , because you're now back in the game.

Responding her will encourage her to continue and even escalate the pressure.

But if you feel *compelled* to respond, then I'd make it a short formal

notarized statement to cease and desist all contact and have your lawyer send

it. No explanation, no details, just a cease and desist.

Maybe it will help to keep telling yourself that emotional manipulation is

really covert aggression; you're like a castle under siege and your mother is

relentlessly trying to break down your

drawbridge with battering rams. Trust your own gut; trust your own instincts.

If its better for you, if your life is noticeably better, calmer, more joyful

with No Contact, then, I'd stay in No Contact.

But that's just my two cents worth; each individual must do what feels right for

himself or herself. Bottom line: this is about what *you* can and can't

tolerate.

-Annie