Re: too tramatized to be a good daughter in law

[Guest guest]

It's so hard for me to get involved with dh's family too. Especially b/c his mom

is highly toxic bp, Jekyll and Hyde (depending on who is looking) suicidal, poor

me, crazy and rage-full. When his mom is actively flipping out dh is okay and he

can be protective to me, but it's like as soon as she slows down he forgets, but

I don't and that causes a strain for us. Dh thinks I just bring it up to create

a level playing field or something crazy like this, but the bottom line is that

his mom is cruel to me and I feel hurt i can't forget and I think its not fair

he expects me to. His dad is kind of strange too but he is okay to me, I just

feel uncomfortable. I feel so strained with his parents, but very comfortable

around his siblings, I guess they treat me better than my own.

At times it's okay because they live on the other side of the ocean, but we see

them at least once a year, and when we do, it's for about 2-3 months at a crack.

I don't do well. Sometimes I want to throw the towel in, but I think about my

kids. So I just turn off and kill little pieces of myself to survive. I hate the

rage from my mil, but I put up with it, I figure it won't be forever; one of us

will eventually die or leave.

I know I was married young though, and I am sure people thought similar things

about me like they did at the wedding you were just at. People told me to my

face that me and dh would not last a year, but last spring we had our 10 year.

My wedding was nada's idea of a queens wedding, not mine. I wanted a

garden/shabby-chic type wedding, but no I got glam all the way. I am sure people

looked down to me, and thought of me as Barbie doll, but my heart was true, the

outside was all nada.

It's just plain old hard to open up with all the stuff in the way. LB

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's so hard for me to get involved with dh's family too. Especially b/c his mom

is highly toxic bp, Jekyll and Hyde (depending on who is looking) suicidal, poor

me, crazy and rage-full. When his mom is actively flipping out dh is okay and he

can be protective to me, but it's like as soon as she slows down he forgets, but

I don't and that causes a strain for us. Dh thinks I just bring it up to create

a level playing field or something crazy like this, but the bottom line is that

his mom is cruel to me and I feel hurt i can't forget and I think its not fair

he expects me to. His dad is kind of strange too but he is okay to me, I just

feel uncomfortable. I feel so strained with his parents, but very comfortable

around his siblings, I guess they treat me better than my own.

At times it's okay because they live on the other side of the ocean, but we see

them at least once a year, and when we do, it's for about 2-3 months at a crack.

I don't do well. Sometimes I want to throw the towel in, but I think about my

kids. So I just turn off and kill little pieces of myself to survive. I hate the

rage from my mil, but I put up with it, I figure it won't be forever; one of us

will eventually die or leave.

I know I was married young though, and I am sure people thought similar things

about me like they did at the wedding you were just at. People told me to my

face that me and dh would not last a year, but last spring we had our 10 year.

My wedding was nada's idea of a queens wedding, not mine. I wanted a

garden/shabby-chic type wedding, but no I got glam all the way. I am sure people

looked down to me, and thought of me as Barbie doll, but my heart was true, the

outside was all nada.

It's just plain old hard to open up with all the stuff in the way. LB

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's so hard for me to get involved with dh's family too. Especially b/c his mom

is highly toxic bp, Jekyll and Hyde (depending on who is looking) suicidal, poor

me, crazy and rage-full. When his mom is actively flipping out dh is okay and he

can be protective to me, but it's like as soon as she slows down he forgets, but

I don't and that causes a strain for us. Dh thinks I just bring it up to create

a level playing field or something crazy like this, but the bottom line is that

his mom is cruel to me and I feel hurt i can't forget and I think its not fair

he expects me to. His dad is kind of strange too but he is okay to me, I just

feel uncomfortable. I feel so strained with his parents, but very comfortable

around his siblings, I guess they treat me better than my own.

At times it's okay because they live on the other side of the ocean, but we see

them at least once a year, and when we do, it's for about 2-3 months at a crack.

I don't do well. Sometimes I want to throw the towel in, but I think about my

kids. So I just turn off and kill little pieces of myself to survive. I hate the

rage from my mil, but I put up with it, I figure it won't be forever; one of us

will eventually die or leave.

I know I was married young though, and I am sure people thought similar things

about me like they did at the wedding you were just at. People told me to my

face that me and dh would not last a year, but last spring we had our 10 year.

My wedding was nada's idea of a queens wedding, not mine. I wanted a

garden/shabby-chic type wedding, but no I got glam all the way. I am sure people

looked down to me, and thought of me as Barbie doll, but my heart was true, the

outside was all nada.

It's just plain old hard to open up with all the stuff in the way. LB

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have the same struggle. I have been with my husband for 24 years so I know

his family and extended family as well as my own. I initially idolized my

husband's family as the perfect family because they were so much more normal

than mine. And I desperately wanted normal. Truly, my mil shows me more

tenderness and love than my nada ever did.

But when I separated from my nada/family 6 years ago, the more I separated from

my family, the more issues I noticed and experienced with my husband's family.

I think they changed because, while they support my decision to detach from my

family, I don't think they fully understand it. I think I saw more also, that

no matter how long I am with them, I will always be the dil, not their real

daughter.

It reminds me of when I was growing up, I had a friend's mom who I would spend a

lot of time with in the summer. I know she felt my nada was not a good mom.

But in the end, her daughters were her real daughters and I was just one of

their poor friends.

I don't have any great insights here but just that I also struggle with this in

my search for a sense of family. GS - I don't think you should feel guilty for

your reservations. Trust and honor your feelings.

patinage

[Guest guest]

I have the same struggle. I have been with my husband for 24 years so I know

his family and extended family as well as my own. I initially idolized my

husband's family as the perfect family because they were so much more normal

than mine. And I desperately wanted normal. Truly, my mil shows me more

tenderness and love than my nada ever did.

But when I separated from my nada/family 6 years ago, the more I separated from

my family, the more issues I noticed and experienced with my husband's family.

I think they changed because, while they support my decision to detach from my

family, I don't think they fully understand it. I think I saw more also, that

no matter how long I am with them, I will always be the dil, not their real

daughter.

It reminds me of when I was growing up, I had a friend's mom who I would spend a

lot of time with in the summer. I know she felt my nada was not a good mom.

But in the end, her daughters were her real daughters and I was just one of

their poor friends.

I don't have any great insights here but just that I also struggle with this in

my search for a sense of family. GS - I don't think you should feel guilty for

your reservations. Trust and honor your feelings.

patinage

[Guest guest]

Oh wow, what you say about idolizing the family and being let down - I've

been there many many times. Whether its a partner's mom, a friend's mom, a

neighbor, even a boss. . . I caught on that I was doing that around the time

I went NC, and after getting burned many many times, I figured it out. I

have to really watch myself with that one!!! No one can replace your true

mom, but it is so tempting to try to find someone. I think that's one of the

reasons I backed way off with his fam. . .

Hugs everyone!

>

>

> I have the same struggle. I have been with my husband for 24 years so I

> know his family and extended family as well as my own. I initially idolized

> my husband's family as the perfect family because they were so much more

> normal than mine. And I desperately wanted normal. Truly, my mil shows me

> more tenderness and love than my nada ever did.

>

> But when I separated from my nada/family 6 years ago, the more I separated

> from my family, the more issues I noticed and experienced with my husband's

> family. I think they changed because, while they support my decision to

> detach from my family, I don't think they fully understand it. I think I saw

> more also, that no matter how long I am with them, I will always be the dil,

> not their real daughter.

>

> It reminds me of when I was growing up, I had a friend's mom who I would

> spend a lot of time with in the summer. I know she felt my nada was not a

> good mom. But in the end, her daughters were her real daughters and I was

> just one of their poor friends.

>

> I don't have any great insights here but just that I also struggle with

> this in my search for a sense of family. GS - I don't think you should feel

> guilty for your reservations. Trust and honor your feelings.

>

> patinage

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh wow, what you say about idolizing the family and being let down - I've

been there many many times. Whether its a partner's mom, a friend's mom, a

neighbor, even a boss. . . I caught on that I was doing that around the time

I went NC, and after getting burned many many times, I figured it out. I

have to really watch myself with that one!!! No one can replace your true

mom, but it is so tempting to try to find someone. I think that's one of the

reasons I backed way off with his fam. . .

Hugs everyone!

>

>

> I have the same struggle. I have been with my husband for 24 years so I

> know his family and extended family as well as my own. I initially idolized

> my husband's family as the perfect family because they were so much more

> normal than mine. And I desperately wanted normal. Truly, my mil shows me

> more tenderness and love than my nada ever did.

>

> But when I separated from my nada/family 6 years ago, the more I separated

> from my family, the more issues I noticed and experienced with my husband's

> family. I think they changed because, while they support my decision to

> detach from my family, I don't think they fully understand it. I think I saw

> more also, that no matter how long I am with them, I will always be the dil,

> not their real daughter.

>

> It reminds me of when I was growing up, I had a friend's mom who I would

> spend a lot of time with in the summer. I know she felt my nada was not a

> good mom. But in the end, her daughters were her real daughters and I was

> just one of their poor friends.

>

> I don't have any great insights here but just that I also struggle with

> this in my search for a sense of family. GS - I don't think you should feel

> guilty for your reservations. Trust and honor your feelings.

>

> patinage

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from, but marriage is usually

more than just two people sailing off somewhere in isolated bliss.

When you meet a guy that you'd like to marry (perhaps this guy?) its going to

make it difficult and stressful for him if you feel very uncomfortable and

disinterested in being around his foo, if he himself has a loving and normal

relationship with his parents & sibs and enjoys their company.

To clarify, if your true love's family (most of them) are mean, hateful, nasty,

dysfunctional and creepy then I totally understand not wanting to be around

them, and your boyfriend would probably not want to spend much time with them

either, hopefully, BUT if they're just nice, ordinary people (who may have

different tastes than you) then it just seems like a potential area of much

friction and distress if you each feel differently about how much / how

frequently you'd be socializing with his foo when you're married.

I'm not saying that what you're feeling is wrong, I'm just suggesting discussing

these feelings with your boyfriend before deciding to marry.

I think this question has the same significance as discussing and agreeing about

whether or not to have children, and if so how many, snd what kind of lifestyle

you both agree would be good to pursue, individual life goals, religion/no

religion, etc. I think its one of The Big Questions to bring out and discuss to

determine compatibility as a couple.

Just my 2 cents worth, to take or leave as it suits you.

-Annie

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from, but marriage is usually

more than just two people sailing off somewhere in isolated bliss.

When you meet a guy that you'd like to marry (perhaps this guy?) its going to

make it difficult and stressful for him if you feel very uncomfortable and

disinterested in being around his foo, if he himself has a loving and normal

relationship with his parents & sibs and enjoys their company.

To clarify, if your true love's family (most of them) are mean, hateful, nasty,

dysfunctional and creepy then I totally understand not wanting to be around

them, and your boyfriend would probably not want to spend much time with them

either, hopefully, BUT if they're just nice, ordinary people (who may have

different tastes than you) then it just seems like a potential area of much

friction and distress if you each feel differently about how much / how

frequently you'd be socializing with his foo when you're married.

I'm not saying that what you're feeling is wrong, I'm just suggesting discussing

these feelings with your boyfriend before deciding to marry.

I think this question has the same significance as discussing and agreeing about

whether or not to have children, and if so how many, snd what kind of lifestyle

you both agree would be good to pursue, individual life goals, religion/no

religion, etc. I think its one of The Big Questions to bring out and discuss to

determine compatibility as a couple.

Just my 2 cents worth, to take or leave as it suits you.

-Annie

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from, but marriage is usually

more than just two people sailing off somewhere in isolated bliss.

When you meet a guy that you'd like to marry (perhaps this guy?) its going to

make it difficult and stressful for him if you feel very uncomfortable and

disinterested in being around his foo, if he himself has a loving and normal

relationship with his parents & sibs and enjoys their company.

To clarify, if your true love's family (most of them) are mean, hateful, nasty,

dysfunctional and creepy then I totally understand not wanting to be around

them, and your boyfriend would probably not want to spend much time with them

either, hopefully, BUT if they're just nice, ordinary people (who may have

different tastes than you) then it just seems like a potential area of much

friction and distress if you each feel differently about how much / how

frequently you'd be socializing with his foo when you're married.

I'm not saying that what you're feeling is wrong, I'm just suggesting discussing

these feelings with your boyfriend before deciding to marry.

I think this question has the same significance as discussing and agreeing about

whether or not to have children, and if so how many, snd what kind of lifestyle

you both agree would be good to pursue, individual life goals, religion/no

religion, etc. I think its one of The Big Questions to bring out and discuss to

determine compatibility as a couple.

Just my 2 cents worth, to take or leave as it suits you.

-Annie

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm lifting my hand high in the air, girlscout!!

with my husband, there's his brother/wife/son. They're really nice people,

though I think the wife is addicted to rescuing people. Someone in her family

will have an issue, like an alcohol addiction, drug addiction, etc., and she and

my brother in law end up bailing them out--letting them move into their home for

endless periods of time, giving them money, doing for them what they need to

start doing. They're unable to say no. I like her very much but feel " unsafe "

with her. She loves giving out " advice " whether you've asked for it or not. And

if you don't take it, she gets offended or does this: " all right, but you'll

find out I'm right... "

Then there's my husband's cousins. The twice-annual visits to their home are a

guaranteed 12 hour visit. Every year, my husband and I get into it, why I don't

want to go,etc. These people do EVERYTHING together. If one of the guys goes to

a ball game, all the men folk go. If one of them moves to an area, the others

follow. At their last family gathering that I attended, after our sixth hour

there, I took a book from their library, and sat down to read for half an hour.

They're a big group, too, so no one noticed. I do try to make small talk and

mingle, and that works for the first 3 hours, but after that...I'm on my own!

My first reaction at too much " togetherness " is to retreat, like a turtle!!

I do try to make appearances, just for my kids' sakes, since they love being

with the kids in the family. But it's a sacrifice for me. My 12 year old asked

me why I hated " her " family so much. Sigh. It's sad that she sees my reluctance

to visit that way but interesting that she knows I *don't* consider them my

family.

girlscout, it was such a relief to hear someone else say what I have thought for

very long: " I see anything remotely related to family as poison. " For me, that

means, " I see anything remotely related to fake closeness and fake smiles and

superficial conversations and enmeshment as poison. " I've always wanted to

believe my family was Hallmark happy, oh so close and loving. It's been so

painful to realize how untrue that's been.

I really pray my family (husband, 2 kids) can redefine " family " for ourselves,

that we would be authentically close and loving and honest with each other. And

allow each other to have their own feelings and opinions without shaming each

other.

btw, your niece getting married at 19/20...wow, that is MUCH too young, esp as

you said, she hasn't moved out of her parents' home. That was me, living with my

parents, got married at 25, which I didn't think was so young, but now, I wish

I'd lived on my own for a while.

you know that scene from " Moonstruck, " at the end, where they say " a la

famiglia, to family! " ?? I cringe at that scene! Or at very least, roll my

eyes!

thanks for your post!

Fiona

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

<<So I just turn off and kill little pieces of myself to survive.>>

Lizzy, not that this is good, that you have to do this to survive, but I think

you said it perfectly.

2 to 3 MONTHS at a time??? Omg, you're my new hero.

I thought 12 hours w my dh's family was torment. And that's EXACTLY how it

feels, like I have to shut down to get through it. It's awful.

> >

> > Hey Guys,

> > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> > boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> > remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> > like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> > EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> > 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> > with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> > year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> > woman.

> >

> > But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> > pounce, leave, protect etc.

> >

> > And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> > getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> > Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> > . .

> >

> > What you think?

> >

> > XO, Girlscout

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Ha ha ha Annie, I've been married. I won't be doing that again. I hated

every second of those 8 years.

No, after being with my boyfriend for 5 years, living together for 4 (and he

knows kids/marriage etc are not my bag) and he knows my whole story and

history, he gets it. We don't have friction over this.

>

>

> <<So I just turn off and kill little pieces of myself to survive.>>

>

> Lizzy, not that this is good, that you have to do this to survive, but I

> think you said it perfectly.

>

> 2 to 3 MONTHS at a time??? Omg, you're my new hero.

>

> I thought 12 hours w my dh's family was torment. And that's EXACTLY how it

> feels, like I have to shut down to get through it. It's awful.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hey Guys,

> > > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> > > boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see

> anything

> > > remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day

> (from

> > > like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> > > EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is

> only

> > > 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard

> time

> > > with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like

> a 10

> > > year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and

> a

> > > woman.

> > >

> > > But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready

> to

> > > pounce, leave, protect etc.

> > >

> > > And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> > > getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> > > Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about

> it.

> > > . .

> > >

> > > What you think?

> > >

> > > XO, Girlscout

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I used to feel that same way. When engaged/first married to DH I dreaded

interaction with his family. I was painfully shy, assumed they hated me,

and took every look or whisper as proof that they didn't want me around.

Once when MIL was slightly annoyed at me I flew off the handle and refused

to go to her house. I had no concept of a person being slightly anything.

I expected rage or humiliation.

Now I love my in-laws. They have become the family that I never had.

Several things changed this for me. First, no matter how aloof I was MIL

always included me and treated me equal to DH. Then I had DD#1 and I got to

see that she interacted with DD totally different than my nada would have.

I came to realize that MIL is exactly the type of parent I want to be. Then

the letter from nada and all the ensuing drama started. MIL listened to me

when I explained what happened, never gave me the " but she's your mother "

crap, and puts responsibility on nada. Finally, this summer I have been not

working and now have 2 DDs. Every Monday is family fun day at GMIL's

house. I am nursing DD#2 so MIL started inviting me to bring her so that

both kids could be there. DH works that day so cannot be there. I have

gotten to spend time with the in-laws and realize that they don't see me as

an extension of DH.

Oh, I mentioned the whispering earlier, let me explain. Two weeks before

our wedding I kept noticing whispering among the in-laws. I assumed that

they did not want DH to marry me. I was wrong, what was going on was that

DH's Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks before the

wedding. They had decided since the doctor did not foresee any changes and

treatment was not set to begin until after the wedding that they would wait

to tell us. Once again I had no concept of this because my nada would have

LOVED to tell me news like that right before the wedding. I have never been

around a family that considers the feelings of others.

[Guest guest]

I used to feel that same way. When engaged/first married to DH I dreaded

interaction with his family. I was painfully shy, assumed they hated me,

and took every look or whisper as proof that they didn't want me around.

Once when MIL was slightly annoyed at me I flew off the handle and refused

to go to her house. I had no concept of a person being slightly anything.

I expected rage or humiliation.

Now I love my in-laws. They have become the family that I never had.

Several things changed this for me. First, no matter how aloof I was MIL

always included me and treated me equal to DH. Then I had DD#1 and I got to

see that she interacted with DD totally different than my nada would have.

I came to realize that MIL is exactly the type of parent I want to be. Then

the letter from nada and all the ensuing drama started. MIL listened to me

when I explained what happened, never gave me the " but she's your mother "

crap, and puts responsibility on nada. Finally, this summer I have been not

working and now have 2 DDs. Every Monday is family fun day at GMIL's

house. I am nursing DD#2 so MIL started inviting me to bring her so that

both kids could be there. DH works that day so cannot be there. I have

gotten to spend time with the in-laws and realize that they don't see me as

an extension of DH.

Oh, I mentioned the whispering earlier, let me explain. Two weeks before

our wedding I kept noticing whispering among the in-laws. I assumed that

they did not want DH to marry me. I was wrong, what was going on was that

DH's Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks before the

wedding. They had decided since the doctor did not foresee any changes and

treatment was not set to begin until after the wedding that they would wait

to tell us. Once again I had no concept of this because my nada would have

LOVED to tell me news like that right before the wedding. I have never been

around a family that considers the feelings of others.

[Guest guest]

I used to feel that same way. When engaged/first married to DH I dreaded

interaction with his family. I was painfully shy, assumed they hated me,

and took every look or whisper as proof that they didn't want me around.

Once when MIL was slightly annoyed at me I flew off the handle and refused

to go to her house. I had no concept of a person being slightly anything.

I expected rage or humiliation.

Now I love my in-laws. They have become the family that I never had.

Several things changed this for me. First, no matter how aloof I was MIL

always included me and treated me equal to DH. Then I had DD#1 and I got to

see that she interacted with DD totally different than my nada would have.

I came to realize that MIL is exactly the type of parent I want to be. Then

the letter from nada and all the ensuing drama started. MIL listened to me

when I explained what happened, never gave me the " but she's your mother "

crap, and puts responsibility on nada. Finally, this summer I have been not

working and now have 2 DDs. Every Monday is family fun day at GMIL's

house. I am nursing DD#2 so MIL started inviting me to bring her so that

both kids could be there. DH works that day so cannot be there. I have

gotten to spend time with the in-laws and realize that they don't see me as

an extension of DH.

Oh, I mentioned the whispering earlier, let me explain. Two weeks before

our wedding I kept noticing whispering among the in-laws. I assumed that

they did not want DH to marry me. I was wrong, what was going on was that

DH's Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks before the

wedding. They had decided since the doctor did not foresee any changes and

treatment was not set to begin until after the wedding that they would wait

to tell us. Once again I had no concept of this because my nada would have

LOVED to tell me news like that right before the wedding. I have never been

around a family that considers the feelings of others.

[Guest guest]

Woah, yeah. I've posted before (ad nauseam) about my husband's brother's

family, the Hideous Hillbillies. I've explained to DH that I have had a full

lifetime of family dysfunction, so all I'm after is peace and quiet and a safe

place to raise our son, but he insists on remaining involved with them. To the

rest of the world, this looks like him being a good brother and uncle. To me,

it looks like he's stubbornly trudging into quicksand. They are awful, awful

people, by any measure. We're talking jail terms, marrying drunks (repeatedly),

dropping out of high school, failure to understand the basics of birth control,

and behavior that borders on child neglect. So while I know I'm hypersensitive

to " family trouble, " I'm not just being overly critical of them.

So as you say, I have to try not to get involved. Every time I have to be

around them, I'm mentally repeating the mantra - " It's none of my business.

It's none of my business. " And I always carry one or two Times crosswords so I

can just go sit in a corner. Oh, and when the father-in-law's dog was alive, I

put a LOT of miles on her, walking her around the block so I could get out of

the house.

On this count, I'm confident that it's not just me being a KO. It's them.

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Woah, yeah. I've posted before (ad nauseam) about my husband's brother's

family, the Hideous Hillbillies. I've explained to DH that I have had a full

lifetime of family dysfunction, so all I'm after is peace and quiet and a safe

place to raise our son, but he insists on remaining involved with them. To the

rest of the world, this looks like him being a good brother and uncle. To me,

it looks like he's stubbornly trudging into quicksand. They are awful, awful

people, by any measure. We're talking jail terms, marrying drunks (repeatedly),

dropping out of high school, failure to understand the basics of birth control,

and behavior that borders on child neglect. So while I know I'm hypersensitive

to " family trouble, " I'm not just being overly critical of them.

So as you say, I have to try not to get involved. Every time I have to be

around them, I'm mentally repeating the mantra - " It's none of my business.

It's none of my business. " And I always carry one or two Times crosswords so I

can just go sit in a corner. Oh, and when the father-in-law's dog was alive, I

put a LOT of miles on her, walking her around the block so I could get out of

the house.

On this count, I'm confident that it's not just me being a KO. It's them.

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> woman.

>

> But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> pounce, leave, protect etc.

>

> And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> . .

>

> What you think?

>

> XO, Girlscout

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

" On this count, I'm confident that it's not just me being a KO. It's them. "

I love that! I feel this way so often, but then I think is it just me? Is it my

fleas? Am I being sensitive? But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just

us or our foos or our upbringings! Thanks for a much needed boost in confidence

:)LB

> >

> > Hey Guys,

> > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> > boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> > remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> > like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> > EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> > 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> > with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> > year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> > woman.

> >

> > But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> > pounce, leave, protect etc.

> >

> > And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> > getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> > Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> > . .

> >

> > What you think?

> >

> > XO, Girlscout

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

,

" On this count, I'm confident that it's not just me being a KO. It's them. "

I love that! I feel this way so often, but then I think is it just me? Is it my

fleas? Am I being sensitive? But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just

us or our foos or our upbringings! Thanks for a much needed boost in confidence

:)LB

> >

> > Hey Guys,

> > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family? I don't dislike my

> > boyfriend's family, its just that I hesitate to get involved. I see anything

> > remotely related to family as poison. On Tues we spent the whole day (from

> > like 10 am to 10 pm) at boyfriend's little niece's wedding. It was

> > EXHAUSTING!!! And can you say pink bubble gum barbie dreamland? She is only

> > 19 or 20 and has never moved out of her mom's house. i just have a hard time

> > with her getting married so young. And the whole thing seemed more like a 10

> > year old's birthday party than a lifetime commitment between a man and a

> > woman.

> >

> > But I think I'm wiped out from being in vigilance mode all day, ready to

> > pounce, leave, protect etc.

> >

> > And more importantly, am I the only one that just isn't interested in

> > getting too involved with their partner's family? Luckily the family is

> > Gigantic! So I am hardly missed. I do have some feelings of guilt about it.

> > . .

> >

> > What you think?

> >

> > XO, Girlscout

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes! This topic really resonates with me. I have been married for 5 years

(together for 9 total). We live in a different state from DH's family. We

see them twice a year. I struggle with trying to figure out if my

perceptions are correct or not. I want so badly to belong, and to feel close

with them. Being from a BPD family (raised by my mother with no siblings or

extended family) I have no sense of what " normal " is. So I am always

watching for signs and clues about impending doom so I can protect myself.

Is this more about my fleas, than it is about them? I don't know, but it is

draining. Years ago I worked up my nerve and asked if I could call my MIL

" Mom " (her children call her " Ma " , and her other DIL calls her " mom " ). She

got quiet and then said " ...or you could just call me Anne. " Yikes

She has always signed her emails and cards to me and my husband like this...

" Love,

Ma/Anne "

I always feel offended by this, but I have never said anything about it.

Does she not think that I am well aware of the fact that she is his " ma " and

not mine? Does she think I am a dingbat who will wonder who " Ma " is unless

she identifies herself as " Anne " ? It feels soooooooooo passive-aggressive

to me. What do you think? Am I being overly sensitive? Should I accept it

and ignore it, or is it better to address it head-on? I have never been

good at the head-on thing...another flea, no doubt.

Thanks,

K

On Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 9:17 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

>

>

> Hey Guys,

> Does anyone have issues with their partner's family?.......

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, sadly, she's given you rather clear messages that she doesn't

feel the same closeness with you that she does with her other daughter in law.

You can either just accept this and let it go and not let it bother you (a

neutral approach), or you can see if you can find ways to genuinely connect with

her so she feels more comfortable and loving toward you (a positive approach) or

you can withdraw and become distant and/or hostile (a negative approach.) Its

totally up to you to decide how you want to handle it.

If you've tried repeatedly to get to know her better, connect with her and she's

remained distant, then, I suggest just remaining neutral. Pleasant, friendly,

but neutral. I don't think it ever helps to withdraw or become hostile unless a

person is really nasty and actively trying to *harm* you. Again, just my 2

cents worth.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Hey Guys,

> > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family?.......

> >

>

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, sadly, she's given you rather clear messages that she doesn't

feel the same closeness with you that she does with her other daughter in law.

You can either just accept this and let it go and not let it bother you (a

neutral approach), or you can see if you can find ways to genuinely connect with

her so she feels more comfortable and loving toward you (a positive approach) or

you can withdraw and become distant and/or hostile (a negative approach.) Its

totally up to you to decide how you want to handle it.

If you've tried repeatedly to get to know her better, connect with her and she's

remained distant, then, I suggest just remaining neutral. Pleasant, friendly,

but neutral. I don't think it ever helps to withdraw or become hostile unless a

person is really nasty and actively trying to *harm* you. Again, just my 2

cents worth.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Hey Guys,

> > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family?.......

> >

>

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, sadly, she's given you rather clear messages that she doesn't

feel the same closeness with you that she does with her other daughter in law.

You can either just accept this and let it go and not let it bother you (a

neutral approach), or you can see if you can find ways to genuinely connect with

her so she feels more comfortable and loving toward you (a positive approach) or

you can withdraw and become distant and/or hostile (a negative approach.) Its

totally up to you to decide how you want to handle it.

If you've tried repeatedly to get to know her better, connect with her and she's

remained distant, then, I suggest just remaining neutral. Pleasant, friendly,

but neutral. I don't think it ever helps to withdraw or become hostile unless a

person is really nasty and actively trying to *harm* you. Again, just my 2

cents worth.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Hey Guys,

> > Does anyone have issues with their partner's family?.......

> >

>

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

LB -

" But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

upbringings! "

I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks. In my

in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can get a

reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming, documented

evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and criticizes me

for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him take our

son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be around them

unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who are just

wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any " big family "

event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the extended family

excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's bunch show up. So one

group of toxic people poisons things for everyone else. Same old story.