Re: too tramatized to be a good daughter in law

[Guest guest]

LB -

" But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

upbringings! "

I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks. In my

in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can get a

reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming, documented

evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and criticizes me

for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him take our

son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be around them

unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who are just

wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any " big family "

event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the extended family

excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's bunch show up. So one

group of toxic people poisons things for everyone else. Same old story.

[Guest guest]

LB -

" But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

upbringings! "

I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks. In my

in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can get a

reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming, documented

evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and criticizes me

for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him take our

son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be around them

unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who are just

wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any " big family "

event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the extended family

excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's bunch show up. So one

group of toxic people poisons things for everyone else. Same old story.

[Guest guest]

Hmmm KF, on the mom/Anne thing- I wonder if she just wants to have sort of a

professional distance from you? I know that sounds weird. . . but it might

be okay to not be totally involved and enmeshed in DH's family, right? That

would be my take on it. I don't know, I used to run up to every new person

like an abandoned puppy " will you be my mom? " and then after finding this

group and everything, I've learned to watch that tendancy in myself. Because

the answer is no - they have kids of their own, a life of their own, and I

don't really want them to take me in just out of pity. We missed out on

parenting and there is no replacing it.

More about my situation with my " in-laws " - like I said, I've been with Dear

Boyfriend (DB) for quite a while - 5 years now. And we aren't getting

married, I don't believe in it and he just doesn't really care either way.

He is from a HUGE family with 8 children. And then all but 1 of those

children are married, and most have kids of their own. And they are all

extremely religious and DB and I are not religious, in fact, we are pretty

much concientious objectors to the religion we were both raised in. In my

case, nada used church like a weapon to beat me with and in his case, it was

just kind of like a fraternity he wasn't interested in belonging to. We are

actually pretty close to one of his sisters, and I talk to her on Facebook

or text her or call her more than boyfriend does himself, because we have

interests in common (art and craft) and we do shows together and things. As

for the others, we just kind of have a friendly relationship, with lots of

barriers to being close - they all live in the same small town about an hour

away, they go to church together, and they are all raising children

together while we are not. Plus the religion thing. Its just a way different

lifestyle. But we are there for them if they need us. So its not like a

terrible relationship, its just that I'm not really super interested in

them, its just kind of a superficial relationship. And I dread the long days

- weddings, funerals and holidays when we have to go down there and hang out

for 12 hours at a time with nothing really to do. But thats about as bad as

it gets. Boyfriend is - how do I say it - a little introverted or something,

he is an artist and has his own way of seeing the world, his own priorities

and his own things he wants to spend his time on. So he TOTALLY understands

that I don't want to spend my hours down with his family doing nothing.

We've got shit to do! Now, if his nieces wanted me to teach them an art

class, dance, cooking, etc anything really, I'd be all over it. I'd love to

pass on some of the skills that were taught to me when I was young (not by

nada of course). But it seems to me that family gatherings are just a lot of

sitting around and not accomplishing anything - and that is just not my

style. I've got a career, a home, 3 dogs, a second career in the arts, and

boyfriend's art career to promote. I don't have time to just " hang out. "

Especially hang out with people I have nothing in common with. When my

friends and I hang out, its because we are making a project together,

promoting an event, doing choreography, pasting up posters, or training and

walking our dogs etc - I know, I need to learn to chill. But as the

overacheiver variety of KO that I am, I don't see that ever happening. Ha ha

Make sense? So we're not close. We're not really distant - I'm just sort of.

.. . not that interested. I mean, if something happened I would be there for

them. For instance about 4 years ago one of DB's brother's ODed really

really bad, and they brought him to a hospital right by my house. I went to

see him every day and took care of him. I was needed. But when I don't have

a task to do, I'd rather move on and go do my tasks than just sit there

talking about nothing.

On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 9:33 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> LB -

>

> " But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

> upbringings! "

>

> I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks. In

> my in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can get

> a reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming, documented

> evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and criticizes

> me for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him

> take our son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be

> around them unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who

> are just wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any

> " big family " event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the

> extended family excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's

> bunch show up. So one group of toxic people poisons things for everyone

> else. Same old story.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm KF, on the mom/Anne thing- I wonder if she just wants to have sort of a

professional distance from you? I know that sounds weird. . . but it might

be okay to not be totally involved and enmeshed in DH's family, right? That

would be my take on it. I don't know, I used to run up to every new person

like an abandoned puppy " will you be my mom? " and then after finding this

group and everything, I've learned to watch that tendancy in myself. Because

the answer is no - they have kids of their own, a life of their own, and I

don't really want them to take me in just out of pity. We missed out on

parenting and there is no replacing it.

More about my situation with my " in-laws " - like I said, I've been with Dear

Boyfriend (DB) for quite a while - 5 years now. And we aren't getting

married, I don't believe in it and he just doesn't really care either way.

He is from a HUGE family with 8 children. And then all but 1 of those

children are married, and most have kids of their own. And they are all

extremely religious and DB and I are not religious, in fact, we are pretty

much concientious objectors to the religion we were both raised in. In my

case, nada used church like a weapon to beat me with and in his case, it was

just kind of like a fraternity he wasn't interested in belonging to. We are

actually pretty close to one of his sisters, and I talk to her on Facebook

or text her or call her more than boyfriend does himself, because we have

interests in common (art and craft) and we do shows together and things. As

for the others, we just kind of have a friendly relationship, with lots of

barriers to being close - they all live in the same small town about an hour

away, they go to church together, and they are all raising children

together while we are not. Plus the religion thing. Its just a way different

lifestyle. But we are there for them if they need us. So its not like a

terrible relationship, its just that I'm not really super interested in

them, its just kind of a superficial relationship. And I dread the long days

- weddings, funerals and holidays when we have to go down there and hang out

for 12 hours at a time with nothing really to do. But thats about as bad as

it gets. Boyfriend is - how do I say it - a little introverted or something,

he is an artist and has his own way of seeing the world, his own priorities

and his own things he wants to spend his time on. So he TOTALLY understands

that I don't want to spend my hours down with his family doing nothing.

We've got shit to do! Now, if his nieces wanted me to teach them an art

class, dance, cooking, etc anything really, I'd be all over it. I'd love to

pass on some of the skills that were taught to me when I was young (not by

nada of course). But it seems to me that family gatherings are just a lot of

sitting around and not accomplishing anything - and that is just not my

style. I've got a career, a home, 3 dogs, a second career in the arts, and

boyfriend's art career to promote. I don't have time to just " hang out. "

Especially hang out with people I have nothing in common with. When my

friends and I hang out, its because we are making a project together,

promoting an event, doing choreography, pasting up posters, or training and

walking our dogs etc - I know, I need to learn to chill. But as the

overacheiver variety of KO that I am, I don't see that ever happening. Ha ha

Make sense? So we're not close. We're not really distant - I'm just sort of.

.. . not that interested. I mean, if something happened I would be there for

them. For instance about 4 years ago one of DB's brother's ODed really

really bad, and they brought him to a hospital right by my house. I went to

see him every day and took care of him. I was needed. But when I don't have

a task to do, I'd rather move on and go do my tasks than just sit there

talking about nothing.

On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 9:33 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> LB -

>

> " But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

> upbringings! "

>

> I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks. In

> my in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can get

> a reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming, documented

> evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and criticizes

> me for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him

> take our son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be

> around them unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who

> are just wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any

> " big family " event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the

> extended family excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's

> bunch show up. So one group of toxic people poisons things for everyone

> else. Same old story.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm KF, on the mom/Anne thing- I wonder if she just wants to have sort of a

professional distance from you? I know that sounds weird. . . but it might

be okay to not be totally involved and enmeshed in DH's family, right? That

would be my take on it. I don't know, I used to run up to every new person

like an abandoned puppy " will you be my mom? " and then after finding this

group and everything, I've learned to watch that tendancy in myself. Because

the answer is no - they have kids of their own, a life of their own, and I

don't really want them to take me in just out of pity. We missed out on

parenting and there is no replacing it.

More about my situation with my " in-laws " - like I said, I've been with Dear

Boyfriend (DB) for quite a while - 5 years now. And we aren't getting

married, I don't believe in it and he just doesn't really care either way.

He is from a HUGE family with 8 children. And then all but 1 of those

children are married, and most have kids of their own. And they are all

extremely religious and DB and I are not religious, in fact, we are pretty

much concientious objectors to the religion we were both raised in. In my

case, nada used church like a weapon to beat me with and in his case, it was

just kind of like a fraternity he wasn't interested in belonging to. We are

actually pretty close to one of his sisters, and I talk to her on Facebook

or text her or call her more than boyfriend does himself, because we have

interests in common (art and craft) and we do shows together and things. As

for the others, we just kind of have a friendly relationship, with lots of

barriers to being close - they all live in the same small town about an hour

away, they go to church together, and they are all raising children

together while we are not. Plus the religion thing. Its just a way different

lifestyle. But we are there for them if they need us. So its not like a

terrible relationship, its just that I'm not really super interested in

them, its just kind of a superficial relationship. And I dread the long days

- weddings, funerals and holidays when we have to go down there and hang out

for 12 hours at a time with nothing really to do. But thats about as bad as

it gets. Boyfriend is - how do I say it - a little introverted or something,

he is an artist and has his own way of seeing the world, his own priorities

and his own things he wants to spend his time on. So he TOTALLY understands

that I don't want to spend my hours down with his family doing nothing.

We've got shit to do! Now, if his nieces wanted me to teach them an art

class, dance, cooking, etc anything really, I'd be all over it. I'd love to

pass on some of the skills that were taught to me when I was young (not by

nada of course). But it seems to me that family gatherings are just a lot of

sitting around and not accomplishing anything - and that is just not my

style. I've got a career, a home, 3 dogs, a second career in the arts, and

boyfriend's art career to promote. I don't have time to just " hang out. "

Especially hang out with people I have nothing in common with. When my

friends and I hang out, its because we are making a project together,

promoting an event, doing choreography, pasting up posters, or training and

walking our dogs etc - I know, I need to learn to chill. But as the

overacheiver variety of KO that I am, I don't see that ever happening. Ha ha

Make sense? So we're not close. We're not really distant - I'm just sort of.

.. . not that interested. I mean, if something happened I would be there for

them. For instance about 4 years ago one of DB's brother's ODed really

really bad, and they brought him to a hospital right by my house. I went to

see him every day and took care of him. I was needed. But when I don't have

a task to do, I'd rather move on and go do my tasks than just sit there

talking about nothing.

On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 9:33 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> LB -

>

> " But no sometimes the world is crazy too, not just us or our foos or our

> upbringings! "

>

> I know what you mean about questioning our own reactions to these folks. In

> my in-laws' case, there are public documents (jail records!!), so I can get

> a reality check from that. But even in the face of overwhelming, documented

> evidence, my husband insists on maintaining a relationship, and criticizes

> me for not wanting to spend time with these folks at holidays (or let him

> take our son with him to the get-togethers - yeah, like I'd let my kid be

> around them unsupervised!!). DH has cousins and other extended family who

> are just wonderful and I'd love to kindle a friendship with them, but any

> " big family " event has to include the Hillbillies, and I fear that the

> extended family excludes our whole branch rather than have bro-in-law's

> bunch show up. So one group of toxic people poisons things for everyone

> else. Same old story.

>

>

>

>

>