Re: Re: Really Tired of the Slams

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I think that your sister's therapist is right in saying you need

to deal with the insults as they happen. I'm not very convinced

that the kind of things you mention saying to her are useful

though. Telling her that she hurt you strikes me as giving her

an opening for doing more hurtful things. I don't allow myself

to be insulted any more. If my nada can't stay civil, I end the

conversation quickly after making it clear that I will not

listen to that kind of thing. Nadas generally either don't

understand what is wrong with the things they say and/or think

they're entitled to say hurtful things. I don't see any point in

trying to have a logical conversation with them about why

they're doing it when their brains don't work logically. Taking

away the privilage of talking to me helps train my nada that

certain behaviors have consequences she doesn't like as well as

minimizing how much bad behavior I'm subjected to.

At 01:29 AM 08/18/2010 anuria67854 wrote:

>Wow, that's like two diametrically opposed insults at the same

>time! First, the message is (indirectly) that you are the baby

>of your family which means you were spoiled, but at the same

>time you know for a fact that the opposite was true in your

>family and you received less than any of your siblings. So the

>message is (indirectly) that even though you were the baby, you

>didn't even deserve the *same* good things your siblings got.

>

>I got really tired of the stealth insults my nada dished/still

>dishes out, too. Its one of the reasons I went virtually No

>Contact with her.

>

>My Sister's therapist told her that whenever our nada says

>insulting, demeaning, hostile, provocative things to us, we

>have to learn to deal with it right in the moment and not let

>the insult just slide past.

>

>Sister and I have to train ourselves to say something like,

> " Wow, that really hurts my feelings when you say that. Was

>that your intention? "

>

>But something that simple is actually hard to do in real life,

>because both Sister and I were trained/conditioned/brainwashed

>from babyhood to just take such verbal abuse

>silently. Speaking up and telling nada that she hurt my

>feelings would get me worse verbal abuse, or even slapped,

>spanked or beaten. Sister too.

>

>If I ever do have contact with my nada again in a situation

>where I am free to leave if I want to I intend to " call " nada

>or point it out clearly each time she slings some kind of

>passive-aggressive, indirect insult at me. She's really good

>at it, too.

>

>-Annie

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I think that your sister's therapist is right in saying you need

to deal with the insults as they happen. I'm not very convinced

that the kind of things you mention saying to her are useful

though. Telling her that she hurt you strikes me as giving her

an opening for doing more hurtful things. I don't allow myself

to be insulted any more. If my nada can't stay civil, I end the

conversation quickly after making it clear that I will not

listen to that kind of thing. Nadas generally either don't

understand what is wrong with the things they say and/or think

they're entitled to say hurtful things. I don't see any point in

trying to have a logical conversation with them about why

they're doing it when their brains don't work logically. Taking

away the privilage of talking to me helps train my nada that

certain behaviors have consequences she doesn't like as well as

minimizing how much bad behavior I'm subjected to.

At 01:29 AM 08/18/2010 anuria67854 wrote:

>Wow, that's like two diametrically opposed insults at the same

>time! First, the message is (indirectly) that you are the baby

>of your family which means you were spoiled, but at the same

>time you know for a fact that the opposite was true in your

>family and you received less than any of your siblings. So the

>message is (indirectly) that even though you were the baby, you

>didn't even deserve the *same* good things your siblings got.

>

>I got really tired of the stealth insults my nada dished/still

>dishes out, too. Its one of the reasons I went virtually No

>Contact with her.

>

>My Sister's therapist told her that whenever our nada says

>insulting, demeaning, hostile, provocative things to us, we

>have to learn to deal with it right in the moment and not let

>the insult just slide past.

>

>Sister and I have to train ourselves to say something like,

> " Wow, that really hurts my feelings when you say that. Was

>that your intention? "

>

>But something that simple is actually hard to do in real life,

>because both Sister and I were trained/conditioned/brainwashed

>from babyhood to just take such verbal abuse

>silently. Speaking up and telling nada that she hurt my

>feelings would get me worse verbal abuse, or even slapped,

>spanked or beaten. Sister too.

>

>If I ever do have contact with my nada again in a situation

>where I am free to leave if I want to I intend to " call " nada

>or point it out clearly each time she slings some kind of

>passive-aggressive, indirect insult at me. She's really good

>at it, too.

>

>-Annie

>

--

Katrina