Guest guest Posted August 18, 2010 Report Share Posted August 18, 2010 Those kinds of legal questions and issues can really only be addressed by a lawyer in your state, as some laws vary from state to state. If you can't afford a lawyer, make some inquiries about free legal consultations that may be available in your area. I think its really important to find out the answers to such questions if you have a parent who is severely in debt and wanting to unfairly and inappropriately saddle you with her financial responsibilities. Wow, how conniving and amazingly selfish of your nada to try and rip off her own child like that! (Re giving the utility company your SS number!) As far as how to go No Contact, that depends on what feels comfortable to you. I personally recommend the attrition tactic: stop initiating calls to your foo members and delay returning any calls they make to you. Keep extending the time that it takes for you to return a call. If a foo member becomes abusive to you when you return a call, you say something like, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that. I'm hanging up now. Talk to you later. " and then don't return any calls for a couple of weeks, if you choose to continue low contact at that point. From my experience, explaining to my nada why I'm doing something that she won't like just results in her becoming either enraged or hysterical. Its pointless. No rational, logical reason I offer is ever satisfactory or acceptable, so instead I just do what I need to do and she can accept it or not. My intention is not to harm her, provoke her, shame her or disrespect her, I'm just doing what I need to do as an adult to take care of my own needs, to protect my own mental and physical health from the stress of trying to have a relationship with her. Bottom line: she's mean. Its as simple as that, and I'm tired of repeatedly exposing myself to her meanness. I've had enough of it. -Annie > > Hello, > > I am leaning more and more towards going NC officially with nada. I still > have some things to work out and on another board a new concern has > emerged. I still do not know how to handle FOO members when going NC with > nada. I am having a hard time deciding if I want to notify nada and/or FOO > about the decision. I have also realized that there are things I cannot > stop that nada can do and I don't know if or how much responsibility I > have. If nada lists me as next of kin and is hospitalized, what if anything > am I responsible for when the hospital calls? Legally do I have to make > decisions, go to the hospital, pay the bills? Nada is severely in debt if > she passes do I become responsible for her debt? For medical or nursing home > expenses? Can my brother sue me to have me help with medical or final > expenses? If my mother leaves something to me or instructions to me in her > will do I have to accept or comply? > > Nada once before gave my SSN to a utility company she owed money to and they > came after me for the debt. Even though I was 17 when the debt was accrued > and she provided my SSN after the fact when I was 19 I cannot get it > removed. I am told that if they have my SSN then I must have agreed to the > debt, even though they know and have on record that nada provided the SSN. > Can she do this again? Put me down on her debts without my knowledge or > consent? I am now afraid that whatever I do to go NC that there will be > times that I have no choice but to help. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 18, 2010 Report Share Posted August 18, 2010 Hi , After having just gone NC with some tricky details to figure out, I'll share my perspective (although keep in mind, I'm a newbie at this!). I agree with Annie that you need a lawyer. I hired four. One real estate, two to have my name changed, and one domestic violence (two were pro bono, two were on retainer). I spent a week trying to handle the legal-ease on my own, and while I think I could have, judges respond better/faster to lawyers they are familiar with, no matter how good of a job you did on your own. - FOO: it has to be your decision on who you still want in your life. For me, I couldn't trust any of my family so I went NC with all of them. It completely sucks, but it would have sucked more if all my hard work had been for nothing. - notifying: this is also a personal decision, I know many people on this forum have sent a letter and haven't when going NC. I am in the process of sending a letter that simply states facts ( " if you contact me even once " ) and consequences ( " I will get a restraining order " ). I wanted to send it mostly to have documentation that I told nada I didn't want contact, in the event I do need a restraining order. I didn't see a point in discussing anything with nada when she outright tells me she doesn't give a sh*t about my happiness. It can be therapeutic though, to journal a letter that you would send to nada. Whenever I think of interactions with nada, I always think of " anything you say, can and will be used against you [in a court of law] " . It's so true for nada, which is why I prefer to say nothing at all. - (again, get a lawyer) but you can have him/her draft up a durable power of attorney that gives specified rights of yours to someone you name. I don't think it's technically legally binding until the person you name signs as well, but there are ways around that. I had a durable power of attorney to waive my rights to property nada and I jointly own. It technically isn't legal until nada signs it, but I left it for her and she pretty much has to if she wants to sell the property. So similarly, you could name someone that pretty much has to sign it. As for paying bills, I sincerely doubt that you can name someone to take on your bills/debt (although I'm not positive). As a physician, I can tell you that we saw durable power of attorneys all the time that gave medical decision rights to family/friends, but I have never seen a document that designates someone else as the payer. - as for nada's debt when she dies, there is something about transferable debt to family but I don't know the details. It's definitely something worth looking into. I doubt your brother could sue you to help pay debt unless the debt was passed down *to your name*. I don't think you have to accept things in a will- usually the only legally binding clauses concern the attorney, who is bound to execute the will (inform people and distribute funds). This is definitely something you want to check with a lawyer though. - for your SSN: I looked into changing mine to be untraceable and you definitely could change yours. the downsides are it will be difficult for you to verify past degrees and employment. You also cannot change your ssn if you have debt. (They were ambiguous on this) but I think when you change it, you have no credit history so it may then become hard to get a loan. One option is to pay a credit watch company to notify you any time an account is opened with your ssn. Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do in these situations is threaten to sue nada or the bank/credit card company. I actually have threatened to sue several investment firms because I had clear evidence my signature was being forged and that the bankers knew it was being forged. MAIN POINTS: - you need a lawyer. They charge every time you email, talk, set up a meeting, etc. So have all of your questions ready and take notes so you don't have to ask them twice. - the real issue is you need to decide if NC is right for you. I am empathetic with your situation and I had to go through a ton of red tape, but if you decide you truly want NC, you will find a way. I used to be slightly passive, and in this process I have found how to not take " no " for an answer. I feel like I'm my own mama bear, fiercely protecting my freedom. Good luck with your decisions!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 18, 2010 Report Share Posted August 18, 2010 Hi , After having just gone NC with some tricky details to figure out, I'll share my perspective (although keep in mind, I'm a newbie at this!). I agree with Annie that you need a lawyer. I hired four. One real estate, two to have my name changed, and one domestic violence (two were pro bono, two were on retainer). I spent a week trying to handle the legal-ease on my own, and while I think I could have, judges respond better/faster to lawyers they are familiar with, no matter how good of a job you did on your own. - FOO: it has to be your decision on who you still want in your life. For me, I couldn't trust any of my family so I went NC with all of them. It completely sucks, but it would have sucked more if all my hard work had been for nothing. - notifying: this is also a personal decision, I know many people on this forum have sent a letter and haven't when going NC. I am in the process of sending a letter that simply states facts ( " if you contact me even once " ) and consequences ( " I will get a restraining order " ). I wanted to send it mostly to have documentation that I told nada I didn't want contact, in the event I do need a restraining order. I didn't see a point in discussing anything with nada when she outright tells me she doesn't give a sh*t about my happiness. It can be therapeutic though, to journal a letter that you would send to nada. Whenever I think of interactions with nada, I always think of " anything you say, can and will be used against you [in a court of law] " . It's so true for nada, which is why I prefer to say nothing at all. - (again, get a lawyer) but you can have him/her draft up a durable power of attorney that gives specified rights of yours to someone you name. I don't think it's technically legally binding until the person you name signs as well, but there are ways around that. I had a durable power of attorney to waive my rights to property nada and I jointly own. It technically isn't legal until nada signs it, but I left it for her and she pretty much has to if she wants to sell the property. So similarly, you could name someone that pretty much has to sign it. As for paying bills, I sincerely doubt that you can name someone to take on your bills/debt (although I'm not positive). As a physician, I can tell you that we saw durable power of attorneys all the time that gave medical decision rights to family/friends, but I have never seen a document that designates someone else as the payer. - as for nada's debt when she dies, there is something about transferable debt to family but I don't know the details. It's definitely something worth looking into. I doubt your brother could sue you to help pay debt unless the debt was passed down *to your name*. I don't think you have to accept things in a will- usually the only legally binding clauses concern the attorney, who is bound to execute the will (inform people and distribute funds). This is definitely something you want to check with a lawyer though. - for your SSN: I looked into changing mine to be untraceable and you definitely could change yours. the downsides are it will be difficult for you to verify past degrees and employment. You also cannot change your ssn if you have debt. (They were ambiguous on this) but I think when you change it, you have no credit history so it may then become hard to get a loan. One option is to pay a credit watch company to notify you any time an account is opened with your ssn. Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do in these situations is threaten to sue nada or the bank/credit card company. I actually have threatened to sue several investment firms because I had clear evidence my signature was being forged and that the bankers knew it was being forged. MAIN POINTS: - you need a lawyer. They charge every time you email, talk, set up a meeting, etc. So have all of your questions ready and take notes so you don't have to ask them twice. - the real issue is you need to decide if NC is right for you. I am empathetic with your situation and I had to go through a ton of red tape, but if you decide you truly want NC, you will find a way. I used to be slightly passive, and in this process I have found how to not take " no " for an answer. I feel like I'm my own mama bear, fiercely protecting my freedom. Good luck with your decisions!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 18, 2010 Report Share Posted August 18, 2010 Hi , After having just gone NC with some tricky details to figure out, I'll share my perspective (although keep in mind, I'm a newbie at this!). I agree with Annie that you need a lawyer. I hired four. One real estate, two to have my name changed, and one domestic violence (two were pro bono, two were on retainer). I spent a week trying to handle the legal-ease on my own, and while I think I could have, judges respond better/faster to lawyers they are familiar with, no matter how good of a job you did on your own. - FOO: it has to be your decision on who you still want in your life. For me, I couldn't trust any of my family so I went NC with all of them. It completely sucks, but it would have sucked more if all my hard work had been for nothing. - notifying: this is also a personal decision, I know many people on this forum have sent a letter and haven't when going NC. I am in the process of sending a letter that simply states facts ( " if you contact me even once " ) and consequences ( " I will get a restraining order " ). I wanted to send it mostly to have documentation that I told nada I didn't want contact, in the event I do need a restraining order. I didn't see a point in discussing anything with nada when she outright tells me she doesn't give a sh*t about my happiness. It can be therapeutic though, to journal a letter that you would send to nada. Whenever I think of interactions with nada, I always think of " anything you say, can and will be used against you [in a court of law] " . It's so true for nada, which is why I prefer to say nothing at all. - (again, get a lawyer) but you can have him/her draft up a durable power of attorney that gives specified rights of yours to someone you name. I don't think it's technically legally binding until the person you name signs as well, but there are ways around that. I had a durable power of attorney to waive my rights to property nada and I jointly own. It technically isn't legal until nada signs it, but I left it for her and she pretty much has to if she wants to sell the property. So similarly, you could name someone that pretty much has to sign it. As for paying bills, I sincerely doubt that you can name someone to take on your bills/debt (although I'm not positive). As a physician, I can tell you that we saw durable power of attorneys all the time that gave medical decision rights to family/friends, but I have never seen a document that designates someone else as the payer. - as for nada's debt when she dies, there is something about transferable debt to family but I don't know the details. It's definitely something worth looking into. I doubt your brother could sue you to help pay debt unless the debt was passed down *to your name*. I don't think you have to accept things in a will- usually the only legally binding clauses concern the attorney, who is bound to execute the will (inform people and distribute funds). This is definitely something you want to check with a lawyer though. - for your SSN: I looked into changing mine to be untraceable and you definitely could change yours. the downsides are it will be difficult for you to verify past degrees and employment. You also cannot change your ssn if you have debt. (They were ambiguous on this) but I think when you change it, you have no credit history so it may then become hard to get a loan. One option is to pay a credit watch company to notify you any time an account is opened with your ssn. Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do in these situations is threaten to sue nada or the bank/credit card company. I actually have threatened to sue several investment firms because I had clear evidence my signature was being forged and that the bankers knew it was being forged. MAIN POINTS: - you need a lawyer. They charge every time you email, talk, set up a meeting, etc. So have all of your questions ready and take notes so you don't have to ask them twice. - the real issue is you need to decide if NC is right for you. I am empathetic with your situation and I had to go through a ton of red tape, but if you decide you truly want NC, you will find a way. I used to be slightly passive, and in this process I have found how to not take " no " for an answer. I feel like I'm my own mama bear, fiercely protecting my freedom. Good luck with your decisions!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 Wow, what a nasty and cowardly thing for a mother to do to her own child: she threw you " under the bus " as it were and put your credit standing in danger to save herself. Wow. Is that something a lawyer could help you straighten out? I have no experience with this, but that would be my first thought if I found myself being harassed or stalked, or getting into financial trouble: get a lawyer. -Annie > > I am very surprised too. I fought both the collections agency and the > utility company tooth and nail. My nada went into waif mode crying when the > collections company called threatening to sue her. She told them that I > (when I was 18) had agreed to pay for the debt and did not. I did agree to > help her and gave her three hundred dollars fifty dollars at a time. Since > nada told them I agreed to pay it they took my SSN from her and added me to > the debt 2 years after it was accrued. I truly beleive htese actions are > illegal as they had no proof I agreed to anything and never spoke to me > until they started calling trying to get their money. They hold firm that > since I had an agreement with nada that the debt is legally mine. The > credit bureau won't take the dispute because they consider it proof that I > agreed since the company has my SSN> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 I just realized 2 weeks ago that my mom is BP, she tried to have me take out a $54,000 loan to pay for her divorce after I said no I found out it was for her internet boyfriend who was a fraud. The only thing that stopped me was my husband saying no. Thank god for him! Joyce jc Re: Re: Going NC? The correct way to describe this is " fraud " and " identity theft " . If you don't report it to the police when you find out about it, no credit bureau is likely to just take your word for it and even if they did, that would just affect your credit rating not stop the collectors from coming after you. Debt collectors commonly lie to people, so don't take anything they say as the truth. Telling you that the debt is legally yours because you agreed to help her by giving her money sounds like a lie to me. If this money is still owed, I think you need a lawyer to tell you how to deal with this so that it doesn't cost you a lot of money and destroy your credit for a long time to come. At 04:27 PM 08/19/2010 Simpson wrote: >I am very surprised too. I fought both the collections agency >and the >utility company tooth and nail. My nada went into waif mode >crying when the >collections company called threatening to sue her. She told >them that I >(when I was 18) had agreed to pay for the debt and did not. I >did agree to >help her and gave her three hundred dollars fifty dollars at a >time. Since >nada told them I agreed to pay it they took my SSN from her and >added me to >the debt 2 years after it was accrued. I truly beleive htese >actions are >illegal as they had no proof I agreed to anything and never >spoke to me >until they started calling trying to get their money. They >hold firm that >since I had an agreement with nada that the debt is legally >mine. The >credit bureau won't take the dispute because they consider it >proof that I >agreed since the company has my SSN> > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 ....Wow! This is something my Sister told me that she is starting to notice with our nada also: nada apparently so craves attention from men (in particular) and from other people in general that she is starting to give her money to pretty much any man who pays her any attention, or to anyone who spends any time with her and asks her for money. Its like, well, its her money and she can do what she wants with it, but on the other hand I don't want her to be defrauded out of her life savings so that she becomes destitute, either. My nada is apparently willing to buy attention and companionship from strangers now because she isn't getting enough attention from Sister and me, or from her other relatives. When you have a nada, if its not one problem erupting its some other problem, seems to me. Nothing's ever just normal and OK. -Annie > >I am very surprised too. I fought both the collections agency > >and the > >utility company tooth and nail. My nada went into waif mode > >crying when the > >collections company called threatening to sue her. She told > >them that I > >(when I was 18) had agreed to pay for the debt and did not. I > >did agree to > >help her and gave her three hundred dollars fifty dollars at a > >time. Since > >nada told them I agreed to pay it they took my SSN from her and > >added me to > >the debt 2 years after it was accrued. I truly beleive htese > >actions are > >illegal as they had no proof I agreed to anything and never > >spoke to me > >until they started calling trying to get their money. They > >hold firm that > >since I had an agreement with nada that the debt is legally > >mine. The > >credit bureau won't take the dispute because they consider it > >proof that I > >agreed since the company has my SSN> > > > > > > -- > Katrina > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 ....Wow! This is something my Sister told me that she is starting to notice with our nada also: nada apparently so craves attention from men (in particular) and from other people in general that she is starting to give her money to pretty much any man who pays her any attention, or to anyone who spends any time with her and asks her for money. Its like, well, its her money and she can do what she wants with it, but on the other hand I don't want her to be defrauded out of her life savings so that she becomes destitute, either. My nada is apparently willing to buy attention and companionship from strangers now because she isn't getting enough attention from Sister and me, or from her other relatives. When you have a nada, if its not one problem erupting its some other problem, seems to me. Nothing's ever just normal and OK. -Annie > >I am very surprised too. I fought both the collections agency > >and the > >utility company tooth and nail. My nada went into waif mode > >crying when the > >collections company called threatening to sue her. She told > >them that I > >(when I was 18) had agreed to pay for the debt and did not. I > >did agree to > >help her and gave her three hundred dollars fifty dollars at a > >time. Since > >nada told them I agreed to pay it they took my SSN from her and > >added me to > >the debt 2 years after it was accrued. I truly beleive htese > >actions are > >illegal as they had no proof I agreed to anything and never > >spoke to me > >until they started calling trying to get their money. They > >hold firm that > >since I had an agreement with nada that the debt is legally > >mine. The > >credit bureau won't take the dispute because they consider it > >proof that I > >agreed since the company has my SSN> > > > > > > -- > Katrina > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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