Re: Will LC with mother only offend father

August 17, 2010

Hello Jack,

Unfortunately what you are experiencing is the very essence of a dysfunctional

family-of-origin (foo) dynamic. In families where the parents are overly

controlling and abusive, it is not uncommon for one of the children to be

singled out and unfairly saddled with the role of " the family scapegoat " , the

one everyone blames for any problems the family is having.

It seems to be common for the designated " scapegoat " to eventually decide to

leave his (or her) foo, to get away from the abuse, and this throws the rest of

the foo members into turmoil.

The two scenarios that seem to occur most often in posts here, is that the

dysfunctional foo will band together and close ranks, and will either:

(1) banish the escapee, the " ex-scapegoat " , and forbid anyone in the foo to have

contact, or

(2) the foo will attempt to badger and hound, pressure and coerce the

" ex-scapegoat " into returning to the foo and resuming his assigned role.

(Without you there, somebody else will probably be designated as the " bad kid. " )

Its a kind of " all or nothing " way of thinking, which is typical of borderline

pd: things are " black, or white " . You're either for us 100% or against us 100%,

there's no middle ground.

Again, you're the only one who knows what you can and can't tolerate in the way

of behaviors from your parents and siblings. As an adult, you get to decide

what kind of relationship you want to have with them, and they in turn have the

right to either accept or reject your boundaries or conditions for contact.

Setting up and maintaining boundaries and following through with consequences

can be tiresome, time-consuming and emotionally stressful, but it can be done if

you feel the need to remain in at least some contact with your dysfunctional

family of origin. Its easier to just cut contact, but the result is that you've

made yourself something of a virtual orphan. Both choices have advantages and

disadvantages.

Only you can decide which kind of situation is more tolerable for you.

" No Contact " doesn't have to be permanent, keep in mind. You could say to your

foo, " I just need a break. I need time alone to work some things out for

myself, to heal, to achieve inner peace. I'll let you know when I feel ready to

try getting back in touch again. Thanks for understanding. "

They won't understand or like that at all, but... you're an adult and its OK and

healthy to make decisions that are positive and healing for yourself without

getting the foo's agreement. They may decide that they don't want contact with

you as a consequence, and that's a risk that you need to be aware of and accept.

I hope that helps.

> > > >

> > > > Hi there,

> > > >

> > > > I'm 24, living outside of home.

> > > >

> > > > I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8

months.

> > > >

> > > > Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls).

I

> > > don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling

> > > him on the phone throws me into anxieties.

> > > >

> > > > With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

> > > >

> > > > So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was

> > > depended on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just

> > > that my siblings and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact

> > > with them etc. etc.) - again, what's better - to be in phone calls

> > > connection with my mother only, or not to be in contact at all?

> > > >

> > > > Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father

> > > - will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of

> > > them? Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my

> > > mother, and that won't be seen as an offence by my father?

> > > >

> > > > Hope I was clear.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > > Jack

> > > >

> > >

> >

August 17, 2010