Relatives that don't want to hear about it

[Guest guest]

I broke off relations with my entire biological family about thirty years ago.

I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my address so that they could not find me.

So much of my early life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over the last

fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain family members who

are not abusive to me. Now I am learning about BPD and it is a relief to have a

name that explains my mother's behaviour.

I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via facebook. They are nice

people and are not abusive or manipulative. I would like to be friends with

them. My issue is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD mother

(who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but they doen't want to

hear any details.

Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy talk. So much of my

current life is about recovering from the effects of being raised in an insane

asylum. I feel that if they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then they

are really not interested in me.

Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them? Is it possible

to start a dialog with them?

[Guest guest]

I know this is never easy, but congratulations on building your new life.

I have been without contact for about 8 ½ years now, and about 2 years ago I

reestablished contact with 1 cousin who was willing to listen. This was gold to

me. I am so thankful to her.

About the same time I also started to reengage contact with my sister also. She

has no interest in hearing anything to do with nada. This is so painful and does

not help our relationship. I think partly because if it doesn't happen to her

she just can't understand. And she is just vain.

Some people are good at sympathizing, they do not need to feel the pain

themselves to understand and feel bad or listen. Others have to be able to

empathize in order to feel anything for you. If it didn't happen to them they

will have no clue. They may have to fall flat on their own face before they have

any understanding at all.

If you want to dialog with them about your past, you may want to take it slow.

You have been patient for 35 years so far. I think you know all about having

patience. I understand you are excited to have apiece of your past, but take it

slow and you might see a better result.

I was only gone for 6 years and my cousin viewed me as going a-wall. It took a

few deep conversations for me to gain her trust again. I apologized for leaving

her. I said I still cared for her even while I was gone. All of which was true.

Maybe try something similar, explain you did what you needed to do for your

physical and mental healthy but you still cared for them all along. Caring words

go far. Once you reestablish a bond then you can begin a dialog. Have patience,

and I am sure you are the master of this! Good luck! LB

>

> I broke off relations with my entire biological family about thirty years ago.

I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my address so that they could not find me.

So much of my early life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over the last

fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain family members who

are not abusive to me. Now I am learning about BPD and it is a relief to have a

name that explains my mother's behaviour.

>

> I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via facebook. They are

nice people and are not abusive or manipulative. I would like to be friends

with them. My issue is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD

mother (who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but they doen't

want to hear any details.

>

> Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy talk. So much of

my current life is about recovering from the effects of being raised in an

insane asylum. I feel that if they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then

they are really not interested in me.

>

> Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them? Is it possible

to start a dialog with them?

>

[Guest guest]

- I think Joe is making some very good points here. I would just

add that people who are lucky enough to be on the " sane " side of an extended

family with dysfunctional members might take a defensive stance toward the crazy

side of the family - so maybe that's what they're doing. They have to be secure

in the knowledge that you are not going to drag them into your parents' vortex

of madness, so they're being very careful right now. Unfortunately, you have

been painted with the " crazy brush " because you're associated with your parents

- and your cousins must have heard some of the horror stories. Because you've

had only limited contact, they can't know whether you're a safe bet until they

get to know you better.

I can tell you that as the Kid Of (KO) a BPD mom, I've spent years getting to

the place I am now - where I am willing to cut ties with her and protect my

husband and son at all costs. Because I take such a strong stand with my mom,

I'm having a problem with my husband and his side of the family. They are not

BPD, but they have a host of other dysfunctions. My attitude toward them is

that I peg them as " problem people " and shy away from any interaction with them.

I am just not willing to take on more trouble. Therefore, it seems to my

husband (and his family) that I'm being overly harsh and stand-offish. To them,

the dysfunction is just " part of who they are " and should be accepted. To me,

it's a toxic waste dump with blaring sirens and warning lights, and I refuse to

go near it or let my kid be immersed in it. Makes for some interesting

holidays...

All that aside - I think you can proceed at your cousins' pace for now, keeping

it sane, healthy, and positive. At some point, THEY will bring up the subject

of your crazy parents. When they do, you can tell them that the behavior is

part of a real, diagnosable mental illness, that there are criteria in the

DSM-IV, that it's available for them to read, that you've worked hard to protect

yourself from their behavior, etc. Then if they want to know more, they can

look it up. If you do this, you might wind up with some friendly cousins who

will provide you with " family. " If you move too fast, they are likely to think

you're trying to shove your family's dysfunction down your their throats, so

they're going to assume you are still " in the fight " and they'll pull up the

drawbridge, if you get my drift.

> >

> > I broke off relations with my entire biological family about thirty years

ago. I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my address so that they could not

find me. So much of my early life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over

the last fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain family

members who are not abusive to me. Now I am learning about BPD and it is a

relief to have a name that explains my mother's behaviour.

> >

> > I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via facebook. They are

nice people and are not abusive or manipulative. I would like to be friends

with them. My issue is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD

mother (who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but they doen't

want to hear any details.

> >

> > Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy talk. So much

of my current life is about recovering from the effects of being raised in an

insane asylum. I feel that if they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then

they are really not interested in me.

> >

> > Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them? Is it

possible to start a dialog with them?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

- I think Joe is making some very good points here. I would just

add that people who are lucky enough to be on the " sane " side of an extended

family with dysfunctional members might take a defensive stance toward the crazy

side of the family - so maybe that's what they're doing. They have to be secure

in the knowledge that you are not going to drag them into your parents' vortex

of madness, so they're being very careful right now. Unfortunately, you have

been painted with the " crazy brush " because you're associated with your parents

- and your cousins must have heard some of the horror stories. Because you've

had only limited contact, they can't know whether you're a safe bet until they

get to know you better.

I can tell you that as the Kid Of (KO) a BPD mom, I've spent years getting to

the place I am now - where I am willing to cut ties with her and protect my

husband and son at all costs. Because I take such a strong stand with my mom,

I'm having a problem with my husband and his side of the family. They are not

BPD, but they have a host of other dysfunctions. My attitude toward them is

that I peg them as " problem people " and shy away from any interaction with them.

I am just not willing to take on more trouble. Therefore, it seems to my

husband (and his family) that I'm being overly harsh and stand-offish. To them,

the dysfunction is just " part of who they are " and should be accepted. To me,

it's a toxic waste dump with blaring sirens and warning lights, and I refuse to

go near it or let my kid be immersed in it. Makes for some interesting

holidays...

All that aside - I think you can proceed at your cousins' pace for now, keeping

it sane, healthy, and positive. At some point, THEY will bring up the subject

of your crazy parents. When they do, you can tell them that the behavior is

part of a real, diagnosable mental illness, that there are criteria in the

DSM-IV, that it's available for them to read, that you've worked hard to protect

yourself from their behavior, etc. Then if they want to know more, they can

look it up. If you do this, you might wind up with some friendly cousins who

will provide you with " family. " If you move too fast, they are likely to think

you're trying to shove your family's dysfunction down your their throats, so

they're going to assume you are still " in the fight " and they'll pull up the

drawbridge, if you get my drift.

> >

> > I broke off relations with my entire biological family about thirty years

ago. I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my address so that they could not

find me. So much of my early life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over

the last fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain family

members who are not abusive to me. Now I am learning about BPD and it is a

relief to have a name that explains my mother's behaviour.

> >

> > I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via facebook. They are

nice people and are not abusive or manipulative. I would like to be friends

with them. My issue is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD

mother (who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but they doen't

want to hear any details.

> >

> > Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy talk. So much

of my current life is about recovering from the effects of being raised in an

insane asylum. I feel that if they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then

they are really not interested in me.

> >

> > Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them? Is it

possible to start a dialog with them?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you've been out of contact with them for thirty years, these

cousins can't be much more than strangers to you at this point.

I'd recommend slowly developing a closer relationship with them

and letting information about your parents come out naturally in

conversation rather than actively trying to tell them about what

happened. Think about how much you'd share with non-relatives at

the same stage of closeness. If you don't have a close

relationship with them yet, don't share an inappropriate amount

with them just because they're related to you. Doing that can

make people really uncomfortable and unsure how to react. Do

they have any kind of on-going relationship with your parents?

If they do, telling them a lot could be putting them in the

middle which generally isn't a good thing to do. Some of my

cousins really like my nada. She's nice to them, so why

shouldn't they? I've always gotten along well with their father

who has not exactly always been a good father to them from what

I've heard. There can be a big difference in how nadas and fadas

treat nieces and nephews who they rarely see and how they treat

their own children.

At 09:56 PM 08/18/2010 christopherlove53 wrote:

>I broke off relations with my entire biological family about

>thirty years ago. I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my

>address so that they could not find me. So much of my early

>life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over the last

>fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain

>family members who are not abusive to me. Now I am learning

>about BPD and it is a relief to have a name that explains my

>mother's behaviour.

>

>I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via

>facebook. They are nice people and are not abusive or

>manipulative. I would like to be friends with them. My issue

>is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD mother

>(who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but

>they doen't want to hear any details.

>

>Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy

>talk. So much of my current life is about recovering from the

>effects of being raised in an insane asylum. I feel that if

>they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then they are

>really not interested in me.

>

>Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them?

>Is it possible to start a dialog with them?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

If you've been out of contact with them for thirty years, these

cousins can't be much more than strangers to you at this point.

I'd recommend slowly developing a closer relationship with them

and letting information about your parents come out naturally in

conversation rather than actively trying to tell them about what

happened. Think about how much you'd share with non-relatives at

the same stage of closeness. If you don't have a close

relationship with them yet, don't share an inappropriate amount

with them just because they're related to you. Doing that can

make people really uncomfortable and unsure how to react. Do

they have any kind of on-going relationship with your parents?

If they do, telling them a lot could be putting them in the

middle which generally isn't a good thing to do. Some of my

cousins really like my nada. She's nice to them, so why

shouldn't they? I've always gotten along well with their father

who has not exactly always been a good father to them from what

I've heard. There can be a big difference in how nadas and fadas

treat nieces and nephews who they rarely see and how they treat

their own children.

At 09:56 PM 08/18/2010 christopherlove53 wrote:

>I broke off relations with my entire biological family about

>thirty years ago. I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my

>address so that they could not find me. So much of my early

>life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over the last

>fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain

>family members who are not abusive to me. Now I am learning

>about BPD and it is a relief to have a name that explains my

>mother's behaviour.

>

>I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via

>facebook. They are nice people and are not abusive or

>manipulative. I would like to be friends with them. My issue

>is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD mother

>(who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but

>they doen't want to hear any details.

>

>Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy

>talk. So much of my current life is about recovering from the

>effects of being raised in an insane asylum. I feel that if

>they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then they are

>really not interested in me.

>

>Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them?

>Is it possible to start a dialog with them?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I was thinking about that this morning -

My nada and bro haven't spoken for at least 5 years if not more. He goes to

visit my grandparents (whom I'm close with and who are no longer close to nada

cus of her divide and conquer instinct), though not very often. I was on the

Facebook this morning and saw that he'd either blocked me or deleted his

account. Generally (prior to today) when I call he doesn't answer, and I never

hear from him. I've tried to keep in contact, but we really haven't spoken in

probably 3 years? HER divide and conquer attitude has gone a long way towards

alienating all the branches of the family from each other.

I thought about writing to him (because I have zero idea how else to get a hold

of him, aside from the grandparents calling while we're in town, which is a

thought...) but I wonder if he sees me as " the enemy " because of nada/NC. I'm

not sure what I cold have done to offend other than trying to keep contact with

the parents (mostly for dad's sake).

Any insight?

> >I broke off relations with my entire biological family about

> >thirty years ago. I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my

> >address so that they could not find me. So much of my early

> >life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over the last

> >fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain

> >family members who are not abusive to me. Now I am learning

> >about BPD and it is a relief to have a name that explains my

> >mother's behaviour.

> >

> >I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via

> >facebook. They are nice people and are not abusive or

> >manipulative. I would like to be friends with them. My issue

> >is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD mother

> >(who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but

> >they doen't want to hear any details.

> >

> >Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy

> >talk. So much of my current life is about recovering from the

> >effects of being raised in an insane asylum. I feel that if

> >they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then they are

> >really not interested in me.

> >

> >Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them?

> >Is it possible to start a dialog with them?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I was thinking about that this morning -

My nada and bro haven't spoken for at least 5 years if not more. He goes to

visit my grandparents (whom I'm close with and who are no longer close to nada

cus of her divide and conquer instinct), though not very often. I was on the

Facebook this morning and saw that he'd either blocked me or deleted his

account. Generally (prior to today) when I call he doesn't answer, and I never

hear from him. I've tried to keep in contact, but we really haven't spoken in

probably 3 years? HER divide and conquer attitude has gone a long way towards

alienating all the branches of the family from each other.

I thought about writing to him (because I have zero idea how else to get a hold

of him, aside from the grandparents calling while we're in town, which is a

thought...) but I wonder if he sees me as " the enemy " because of nada/NC. I'm

not sure what I cold have done to offend other than trying to keep contact with

the parents (mostly for dad's sake).

Any insight?

> >I broke off relations with my entire biological family about

> >thirty years ago. I moved 3,000 miles away and changed my

> >address so that they could not find me. So much of my early

> >life was about escaping from cruel parents. Over the last

> >fifteen years I have made contact selectively with certain

> >family members who are not abusive to me. Now I am learning

> >about BPD and it is a relief to have a name that explains my

> >mother's behaviour.

> >

> >I recently reestablished contact with some cousins via

> >facebook. They are nice people and are not abusive or

> >manipulative. I would like to be friends with them. My issue

> >is that they have a hear-no-evil attitude about my BPD mother

> >(who is their aunt). They know that there were problems but

> >they doen't want to hear any details.

> >

> >Subjectively, I feel that they only want to engage in happy

> >talk. So much of my current life is about recovering from the

> >effects of being raised in an insane asylum. I feel that if

> >they are unwilling to hear about my stuggle then they are

> >really not interested in me.

> >

> >Is there any way for me to communicate my experience with them?

> >Is it possible to start a dialog with them?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

That's tough. It may be that he simply deleted his facebook

account rather than blocking you. A lot of people have been

getting increasingly upset about facebook's privacy issues.

Facebook can also cause security problems for people who aren't

careful. His failure to respond to your attempts to call him

indicates that there's a problem no matter what happened with

facebook though. He may well see you as " the enemy " for staying

in contact with your nada. I've definitely seen the advice given

out that going NC requires stopping contact with everyone else

who is in contact with the offending party. (I don't agree with

that at all. I think it has to be decided on an individual

basis.) Maybe your brother is afraid that things he says to you

will get back to your nada even if you don't intend it to, or

that she'll try to use you against him. Maybe he even thinks

he's doing you a favor by not putting you in the middle. If he's

in touch with your grandparents, perhaps you could mention to

them that you miss him and find out if they know what the

problem is. Maybe they'd be willing to forward a letter to him

for you? You should be careful not to put them the middle in

such a way that they feel they're being asked to take sides

though. If you do try to write to him, I'd keep it simple and

make sure nothing you say can be constued as accusing him of

anything.

At 11:06 AM 08/19/2010 birdieebelle wrote:

>I was thinking about that this morning -

>

>My nada and bro haven't spoken for at least 5 years if not

>more. He goes to visit my grandparents (whom I'm close with

>and who are no longer close to nada cus of her divide and

>conquer instinct), though not very often. I was on the

>Facebook this morning and saw that he'd either blocked me or

>deleted his account. Generally (prior to today) when I call he

>doesn't answer, and I never hear from him. I've tried to keep

>in contact, but we really haven't spoken in probably 3

>years? HER divide and conquer attitude has gone a long way

>towards alienating all the branches of the family from each

>other.

>

>I thought about writing to him (because I have zero idea how

>else to get a hold of him, aside from the grandparents calling

>while we're in town, which is a thought...) but I wonder if he

>sees me as " the enemy " because of nada/NC. I'm not sure what I

>cold have done to offend other than trying to keep contact with

>the parents (mostly for dad's sake).

>

>Any insight?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I agree with the posters who suggest that you take it very slow with your

cousins RE sharing with them the whole story about why you cut off contact with

your immediate foo and most of your relatives. I too suggest just getting to

know them as individuals, as though they're unrelated new acquaintances, and

later when you all get to know each other better then you'll have a better idea

of whether they're open to hearing more of the family horror stories.

In my own case, I too have found that most people I meet and get to know have

fairly normal, mentally healthy parents, so what I experienced at the hands of

my nada must sound like the stuff of fantasy to them: wicked-step-mother stuff,

evil-queen-transforming-into-a-dragon stuff. They think I'm exaggerating,

perhaps. They just don't get it, and on top of that, hearing about a mother or

father that emotionally tortures or physically batters, or neglects, or molests

his/her own child makes others very, very, squirmily uncomfortable. I learned

fairly early on in life that its off-putting to share such things with most

people.

So, take it slow. Some people you meet will be able to relate to your abusive

growing up years, and some won't be able to. I don't blame those who can't, its

just the way things are.

-Annie

>

> - I think Joe is making some very good points here. I would just

add that people who are lucky enough to be on the " sane " side of an extended

family with dysfunctional members might take a defensive stance toward the crazy

side of the family - so maybe that's what they're doing. They have to be secure

in the knowledge that you are not going to drag them into your parents' vortex

of madness, so they're being very careful right now. Unfortunately, you have

been painted with the " crazy brush " because you're associated with your parents

- and your cousins must have heard some of the horror stories. Because you've

had only limited contact, they can't know whether you're a safe bet until they

get to know you better.

>

> I can tell you that as the Kid Of (KO) a BPD mom, I've spent years getting to

the place I am now - where I am willing to cut ties with her and protect my

husband and son at all costs. Because I take such a strong stand with my mom,

I'm having a problem with my husband and his side of the family. They are not

BPD, but they have a host of other dysfunctions. My attitude toward them is

that I peg them as " problem people " and shy away from any interaction with them.

I am just not willing to take on more trouble. Therefore, it seems to my

husband (and his family) that I'm being overly harsh and stand-offish. To them,

the dysfunction is just " part of who they are " and should be accepted. To me,

it's a toxic waste dump with blaring sirens and warning lights, and I refuse to

go near it or let my kid be immersed in it. Makes for some interesting

holidays...

>

> All that aside - I think you can proceed at your cousins' pace for now,

keeping it sane, healthy, and positive. At some point, THEY will bring up the

subject of your crazy parents. When they do, you can tell them that the

behavior is part of a real, diagnosable mental illness, that there are criteria

in the DSM-IV, that it's available for them to read, that you've worked hard to

protect yourself from their behavior, etc. Then if they want to know more, they

can look it up. If you do this, you might wind up with some friendly cousins

who will provide you with " family. " If you move too fast, they are likely to

think you're trying to shove your family's dysfunction down your their throats,

so they're going to assume you are still " in the fight " and they'll pull up the

drawbridge, if you get my drift.

>

>