Re: I'm freaking out

[Guest guest]

Sofia - Annie's advice about HOW to tell them is spot-on, I think. You can

certainly delay telling them until everything is far along in the process, but

eventually they'll notice that you're packing, so " girding your loins " and

rehearsing a script might help - it's better than generating your own anxiety by

" awfulizing " their (imagined) response. Yes, they will probably be a pain about

it. But you have to go. There's no choice for your family. They'll have to

get over it, and you have enough other stuff to worry about.

If you can possibly pay them back for the down payment on the house when you

sell, that would help to pry their talons out of your back a little. If you

have to make payments later, after you get to your new job, that might help YOU

because it will eliminate one more topic of conversation (i.e. a way to twist

the knife and make you feel like you owe them).

But as far as " taking their grandchild from them " - here in the U.S. most of our

ancestors moved FAR away from family because they needed a fresh economic start.

It's the American way! And in this current bad economy, a lot of people are

having to relocate where the jobs are. You didn't choose for your husband to

get sick. You didn't choose for the economy to falter. You're doing what you

have to do to support yourself and your family. It's what grownups do. No need

to let anybody make you feel bad, no matter how hard they try. If your parents

really want to maintain contact with your son, they can get Skype and a

computer-mounted camera, and they can videoconference with their grandchild

(with your supervision, of course). They can email. They can have phone calls

when it's convenient for you. Lots of kids have a long-distance relationship

with grandparents. That's life - it's not a catastrophe.

Best of luck with the house sale and move, and the new job!

>

> I'm feeling anxious and a lot of fear about announcing to my nada and fada

> that we might be relocating out of state which means selling our house at a

> loss (they helped us w/ the down payment but don't have any ownership of our

> house) and moving further away from them. We live out of state but it's

> driving distance now vs. we will be a 2 hour plane ride away. Thing is they

> are very attached to my son who is 2 and I know this will be devastating

> news to them and they will negatively react to it and convince us not to do

> it. My husband has been out of work due to illness for over a year and we

> can't afford to live up here anymore in New England and I have an

> opportunity to move to a better job with more money where it's cheaper to

> live and the area is beautiful. We have a couple of connections there who

> will help us w/ the transition and all my good friends are so supportive of

> this opportunity and think it will be great for us. I figure we should cut

> our losses now instead of waiting to be in a situation where we have to

> foreclose on our house and lose credit and not be able to buy a home later.

> Keeping up with the bills has been a nightmare and I feel like we're

> starting to drown. Also I commute a total of 10 hours a week and I am burnt

> by the end of the day and week and we spend a fortune on gas and

> maintenance.

> So overall lots of good reasons to make this move, however, my nada will

> make it about her and make it seem we are abandoning them and choosing my

> husband's family (they are living in the area we plan to move to) over them

> and how could I take their grandson away from them and abandon my house,

> etc. I must not have been financially responsible, etc. My husband is lazy

> for not getting a job, etc.

> I can already hear all the negative things she'll say and make me feel like

> crap to do what she wants and to alleviate her stress and anxiety.

> My nada defines success by how much property you own and values money and

> material things over healthy relationships and peace of mind. Also she

> reacts violently to change. Every time something changes in our family (even

> if it's a good positive thing) she can't deal with it normally and

> overreacts and catastrophizes. She just has a hard time regulating her

> emotions.

>

> My sister suggested I tell them my job is transferring me and I have no

> choice but my husband thinks I should stay strong and just tell them we've

> decided to take this great opportunity. As you all know (my husband doesn't

> get this) it's very hard to be fully honest with a BPD person. I feel like

> less is more in this case. I'm wondering how to prepare for an explosive

> episode. I literally feel knots in my stomach, am getting a headache, feel

> like I'm going to pass out from the anxiety and stress of it all.

> How would you handle it? How should I announce it to them? Am I doing the

> right thing? Any advice and support and encouragement would be so

> appreciated now. I read that moving is the third most stressful experience

> for a person but add having to deal with a BPD parent and enabling other

> parent to the list and we're talking HIGH STRESS!

> Ugh.

>

> thanks everyone!

>

> --

> --Sofia

>

> " To laugh often and much;

> to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

> to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false

> friends;

> to appreciate beauty;

> to find the best in others;

> to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,

> or a redeemed social condition;

> to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.

> This is to have succeeded. "

> -Harry Emerson Fosdick

>

>

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