Re: Am I fooling myself? (lengthy)

[Guest guest]

Hello Nell,

Glad you are here. For me Nada's diagnosis of BPD was a relief. It has been

a year or pain and growth for me. It has given me freedom to leave the FOG

(fear, obligation, and guilt) I lived with for 58 years. Yes, she is

mentally ill, but I don't and won't be miserable because of her anymore. I am

getting my life back. It is a process, but for me a worthy one.

 /Illinois

>Hello to everyone,

>

>This is my sescond day in this group after accepting the fact

>that my mother is BPD. A new therapist of mine recogized the

>symptoms from our discussions. I have been riding a " high "

>since the discovery because I finally have a reason WHY? Also,

>that it's not my fault that she is miserable.

>

>After reading many posts and looking at the list of

>abbreviations I know why many of you refer to your parents as

>nada or fada. But I'm not comfortable refering to my mother

>that way as I feel that she did the best she could with her

>limited resources and within the confines of her mental

>illness. Before learning about BPD, I would rage about my

>mother, say I hated her and couldn't wait for her to die to my

>husband. Now I just feel pity and sadness for the lives not

>lived because of her illness. She put herself in circumstances

>that were less than ideal for her three daughters which proved

>detrimental to us and our futures but she suffered, too.

>

>Am I fooling myself that she did her best and hoped for the

>best for each of us? That she was not and is not conscience of

>how her behaviour causes such pain for me? That her constant

>manipulations have determined the course of my life up until

>four years ago? Can I believe that she deserves my respect as

>my mother and that I love her but don't have to like her.

>

>Could I be wearing rose coloured glasses by thinking that she

>wasn't a great mother, or the kind of mother I am, or wish I

>would have had but what she did wasn't meant to negatively

>affect us for years. Or, as my husband says, I would have been

>better off being raised by wolves?

>

>Am I making excuses for her and need to see her for what she

>is: mean, deceiful, manipulative, controlling, overbearing,

>hurtful, selfish and unfaithful person with evil doing as her

>motive? Or am I accepting of her and her illness and have

>learned how to protect myself. Should I give her a break

>because mental illness has run rampant in our family for 5

>generations?

>

>Bit of backstory: she was married 7 times from 15 to 32. She

>has three daughters, two of which were sexually abused by her

>last husband. I am the youngest of the two. When we disclosed

>to her she didn't believe us and continued to live with him

>until he died. I have been in therapy and on medication since

>I was 22 and am now 46. Over the last 4 years I have placed

>firm boundaries and force her to live by them. I moved out of

>the country for six months to break her hold on me. I still

>see her and communicate with her but it is always on my terms.

>

>I have always been her favourite child and was treated

>accordingly and have been on a pedastal until I set those

>boundaries. Now, in her opinion, I am selfish, uncaring,

>manipulative, mean spirited and have let her down just like

>everyone else in her life.

>

>I am so saddened to see how many people have been raised by

>BPDs and yet am grateful to know I am not the only one.

>

>Am I in survival mode, " it wasn't that bad, it's not like that,

>she loves you deep down " ? Or can I really feel pity and

>sadness for her without wishing her dead?

>

>I wish all of you healing and peace.

>

>Thank you,

>

>Nell

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Read People of The Lie guys, its an awesome book!

On Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 2:01 AM, josephinebl67 wrote:

>

>

> I think as KO's we are so used to having our reality dictated to us and

> changed at whim that it is important for us to honor what we feel and if you

> feel she did 'the best she could' then no one can interpret your feelings

> but you. Just the fact that you have to ask permission to feel the way you

> feel is indicative of damage. Really I think it's important to honor what

> you feel, as long as you don't shame other KO's or people with similar

> circumstances who feel differently. Like a friend of mine once said that she

> felt riled every time someone told her that her parents did 'the best they

> could'; she said 'no they didn't do the best they could, and in fact, they

> did a lousy job'. But that is unique to her experience, and everyone is

> different. What's important i think is to honor ALL your feelings as they

> come up, which is the opposite of what we learn as KO's. And really feel

> them and experience them, even if tomorrow you feel differently, and the

> next day you are back in 'best she could' mode. Since BPD people are walking

> contradictions it's no surprise our feelings about them can be as well.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello to everyone,

> >

> > This is my sescond day in this group after accepting the fact that my

> mother is BPD. A new therapist of mine recogized the symptoms from our

> discussions. I have been riding a " high " since the discovery because I

> finally have a reason WHY? Also, that it's not my fault that she is

> miserable.

> >

> > After reading many posts and looking at the list of abbreviations I know

> why many of you refer to your parents as nada or fada. But I'm not

> comfortable refering to my mother that way as I feel that she did the best

> she could with her limited resources and within the confines of her mental

> illness. Before learning about BPD, I would rage about my mother, say I

> hated her and couldn't wait for her to die to my husband. Now I just feel

> pity and sadness for the lives not lived because of her illness. She put

> herself in circumstances that were less than ideal for her three daughters

> which proved detrimental to us and our futures but she suffered, too.

> >

> > Am I fooling myself that she did her best and hoped for the best for each

> of us? That she was not and is not conscience of how her behaviour causes

> such pain for me? That her constant manipulations have determined the course

> of my life up until four years ago? Can I believe that she deserves my

> respect as my mother and that I love her but don't have to like her.

> >

> > Could I be wearing rose coloured glasses by thinking that she wasn't a

> great mother, or the kind of mother I am, or wish I would have had but what

> she did wasn't meant to negatively affect us for years. Or, as my husband

> says, I would have been better off being raised by wolves?

> >

> > Am I making excuses for her and need to see her for what she is: mean,

> deceiful, manipulative, controlling, overbearing, hurtful, selfish and

> unfaithful person with evil doing as her motive? Or am I accepting of her

> and her illness and have learned how to protect myself. Should I give her a

> break because mental illness has run rampant in our family for 5

> generations?

> >

> > Bit of backstory: she was married 7 times from 15 to 32. She has three

> daughters, two of which were sexually abused by her last husband. I am the

> youngest of the two. When we disclosed to her she didn't believe us and

> continued to live with him until he died. I have been in therapy and on

> medication since I was 22 and am now 46. Over the last 4 years I have placed

> firm boundaries and force her to live by them. I moved out of the country

> for six months to break her hold on me. I still see her and communicate with

> her but it is always on my terms.

> >

> > I have always been her favourite child and was treated accordingly and

> have been on a pedastal until I set those boundaries. Now, in her opinion, I

> am selfish, uncaring, manipulative, mean spirited and have let her down just

> like everyone else in her life.

> >

> > I am so saddened to see how many people have been raised by BPDs and yet

> am grateful to know I am not the only one.

> >

> > Am I in survival mode, " it wasn't that bad, it's not like that, she loves

> you deep down " ? Or can I really feel pity and sadness for her without

> wishing her dead?

> >

> > I wish all of you healing and peace.

> >

> > Thank you,

> >

> > Nell

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Read People of The Lie guys, its an awesome book!

On Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 2:01 AM, josephinebl67 wrote:

>

>

> I think as KO's we are so used to having our reality dictated to us and

> changed at whim that it is important for us to honor what we feel and if you

> feel she did 'the best she could' then no one can interpret your feelings

> but you. Just the fact that you have to ask permission to feel the way you

> feel is indicative of damage. Really I think it's important to honor what

> you feel, as long as you don't shame other KO's or people with similar

> circumstances who feel differently. Like a friend of mine once said that she

> felt riled every time someone told her that her parents did 'the best they

> could'; she said 'no they didn't do the best they could, and in fact, they

> did a lousy job'. But that is unique to her experience, and everyone is

> different. What's important i think is to honor ALL your feelings as they

> come up, which is the opposite of what we learn as KO's. And really feel

> them and experience them, even if tomorrow you feel differently, and the

> next day you are back in 'best she could' mode. Since BPD people are walking

> contradictions it's no surprise our feelings about them can be as well.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello to everyone,

> >

> > This is my sescond day in this group after accepting the fact that my

> mother is BPD. A new therapist of mine recogized the symptoms from our

> discussions. I have been riding a " high " since the discovery because I

> finally have a reason WHY? Also, that it's not my fault that she is

> miserable.

> >

> > After reading many posts and looking at the list of abbreviations I know

> why many of you refer to your parents as nada or fada. But I'm not

> comfortable refering to my mother that way as I feel that she did the best

> she could with her limited resources and within the confines of her mental

> illness. Before learning about BPD, I would rage about my mother, say I

> hated her and couldn't wait for her to die to my husband. Now I just feel

> pity and sadness for the lives not lived because of her illness. She put

> herself in circumstances that were less than ideal for her three daughters

> which proved detrimental to us and our futures but she suffered, too.

> >

> > Am I fooling myself that she did her best and hoped for the best for each

> of us? That she was not and is not conscience of how her behaviour causes

> such pain for me? That her constant manipulations have determined the course

> of my life up until four years ago? Can I believe that she deserves my

> respect as my mother and that I love her but don't have to like her.

> >

> > Could I be wearing rose coloured glasses by thinking that she wasn't a

> great mother, or the kind of mother I am, or wish I would have had but what

> she did wasn't meant to negatively affect us for years. Or, as my husband

> says, I would have been better off being raised by wolves?

> >

> > Am I making excuses for her and need to see her for what she is: mean,

> deceiful, manipulative, controlling, overbearing, hurtful, selfish and

> unfaithful person with evil doing as her motive? Or am I accepting of her

> and her illness and have learned how to protect myself. Should I give her a

> break because mental illness has run rampant in our family for 5

> generations?

> >

> > Bit of backstory: she was married 7 times from 15 to 32. She has three

> daughters, two of which were sexually abused by her last husband. I am the

> youngest of the two. When we disclosed to her she didn't believe us and

> continued to live with him until he died. I have been in therapy and on

> medication since I was 22 and am now 46. Over the last 4 years I have placed

> firm boundaries and force her to live by them. I moved out of the country

> for six months to break her hold on me. I still see her and communicate with

> her but it is always on my terms.

> >

> > I have always been her favourite child and was treated accordingly and

> have been on a pedastal until I set those boundaries. Now, in her opinion, I

> am selfish, uncaring, manipulative, mean spirited and have let her down just

> like everyone else in her life.

> >

> > I am so saddened to see how many people have been raised by BPDs and yet

> am grateful to know I am not the only one.

> >

> > Am I in survival mode, " it wasn't that bad, it's not like that, she loves

> you deep down " ? Or can I really feel pity and sadness for her without

> wishing her dead?

> >

> > I wish all of you healing and peace.

> >

> > Thank you,

> >

> > Nell

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Read People of The Lie guys, its an awesome book!

On Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 2:01 AM, josephinebl67 wrote:

>

>

> I think as KO's we are so used to having our reality dictated to us and

> changed at whim that it is important for us to honor what we feel and if you

> feel she did 'the best she could' then no one can interpret your feelings

> but you. Just the fact that you have to ask permission to feel the way you

> feel is indicative of damage. Really I think it's important to honor what

> you feel, as long as you don't shame other KO's or people with similar

> circumstances who feel differently. Like a friend of mine once said that she

> felt riled every time someone told her that her parents did 'the best they

> could'; she said 'no they didn't do the best they could, and in fact, they

> did a lousy job'. But that is unique to her experience, and everyone is

> different. What's important i think is to honor ALL your feelings as they

> come up, which is the opposite of what we learn as KO's. And really feel

> them and experience them, even if tomorrow you feel differently, and the

> next day you are back in 'best she could' mode. Since BPD people are walking

> contradictions it's no surprise our feelings about them can be as well.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello to everyone,

> >

> > This is my sescond day in this group after accepting the fact that my

> mother is BPD. A new therapist of mine recogized the symptoms from our

> discussions. I have been riding a " high " since the discovery because I

> finally have a reason WHY? Also, that it's not my fault that she is

> miserable.

> >

> > After reading many posts and looking at the list of abbreviations I know

> why many of you refer to your parents as nada or fada. But I'm not

> comfortable refering to my mother that way as I feel that she did the best

> she could with her limited resources and within the confines of her mental

> illness. Before learning about BPD, I would rage about my mother, say I

> hated her and couldn't wait for her to die to my husband. Now I just feel

> pity and sadness for the lives not lived because of her illness. She put

> herself in circumstances that were less than ideal for her three daughters

> which proved detrimental to us and our futures but she suffered, too.

> >

> > Am I fooling myself that she did her best and hoped for the best for each

> of us? That she was not and is not conscience of how her behaviour causes

> such pain for me? That her constant manipulations have determined the course

> of my life up until four years ago? Can I believe that she deserves my

> respect as my mother and that I love her but don't have to like her.

> >

> > Could I be wearing rose coloured glasses by thinking that she wasn't a

> great mother, or the kind of mother I am, or wish I would have had but what

> she did wasn't meant to negatively affect us for years. Or, as my husband

> says, I would have been better off being raised by wolves?

> >

> > Am I making excuses for her and need to see her for what she is: mean,

> deceiful, manipulative, controlling, overbearing, hurtful, selfish and

> unfaithful person with evil doing as her motive? Or am I accepting of her

> and her illness and have learned how to protect myself. Should I give her a

> break because mental illness has run rampant in our family for 5

> generations?

> >

> > Bit of backstory: she was married 7 times from 15 to 32. She has three

> daughters, two of which were sexually abused by her last husband. I am the

> youngest of the two. When we disclosed to her she didn't believe us and

> continued to live with him until he died. I have been in therapy and on

> medication since I was 22 and am now 46. Over the last 4 years I have placed

> firm boundaries and force her to live by them. I moved out of the country

> for six months to break her hold on me. I still see her and communicate with

> her but it is always on my terms.

> >

> > I have always been her favourite child and was treated accordingly and

> have been on a pedastal until I set those boundaries. Now, in her opinion, I

> am selfish, uncaring, manipulative, mean spirited and have let her down just

> like everyone else in her life.

> >

> > I am so saddened to see how many people have been raised by BPDs and yet

> am grateful to know I am not the only one.

> >

> > Am I in survival mode, " it wasn't that bad, it's not like that, she loves

> you deep down " ? Or can I really feel pity and sadness for her without

> wishing her dead?

> >

> > I wish all of you healing and peace.

> >

> > Thank you,

> >

> > Nell

> >

>

>

>