Re: Am I fooling myself? (lengthy)

[Guest guest]

Hello Nell,

Glad you are here. For me Nada's diagnosis of BPD was a relief. It has been

a year or pain and growth for me. It has given me freedom to leave the FOG

(fear, obligation, and guilt) I lived with for 58 years. Yes, she is

mentally ill, but I don't and won't be miserable because of her anymore. I am

getting my life back. It is a process, but for me a worthy one.

 /Illinois

>Hello to everyone,

>

>This is my sescond day in this group after accepting the fact

>that my mother is BPD. A new therapist of mine recogized the

>symptoms from our discussions. I have been riding a " high "

>since the discovery because I finally have a reason WHY? Also,

>that it's not my fault that she is miserable.

>

>After reading many posts and looking at the list of

>abbreviations I know why many of you refer to your parents as

>nada or fada. But I'm not comfortable refering to my mother

>that way as I feel that she did the best she could with her

>limited resources and within the confines of her mental

>illness. Before learning about BPD, I would rage about my

>mother, say I hated her and couldn't wait for her to die to my

>husband. Now I just feel pity and sadness for the lives not

>lived because of her illness. She put herself in circumstances

>that were less than ideal for her three daughters which proved

>detrimental to us and our futures but she suffered, too.

>

>Am I fooling myself that she did her best and hoped for the

>best for each of us? That she was not and is not conscience of

>how her behaviour causes such pain for me? That her constant

>manipulations have determined the course of my life up until

>four years ago? Can I believe that she deserves my respect as

>my mother and that I love her but don't have to like her.

>

>Could I be wearing rose coloured glasses by thinking that she

>wasn't a great mother, or the kind of mother I am, or wish I

>would have had but what she did wasn't meant to negatively

>affect us for years. Or, as my husband says, I would have been

>better off being raised by wolves?

>

>Am I making excuses for her and need to see her for what she

>is: mean, deceiful, manipulative, controlling, overbearing,

>hurtful, selfish and unfaithful person with evil doing as her

>motive? Or am I accepting of her and her illness and have

>learned how to protect myself. Should I give her a break

>because mental illness has run rampant in our family for 5

>generations?

>

>Bit of backstory: she was married 7 times from 15 to 32. She

>has three daughters, two of which were sexually abused by her

>last husband. I am the youngest of the two. When we disclosed

>to her she didn't believe us and continued to live with him

>until he died. I have been in therapy and on medication since

>I was 22 and am now 46. Over the last 4 years I have placed

>firm boundaries and force her to live by them. I moved out of

>the country for six months to break her hold on me. I still

>see her and communicate with her but it is always on my terms.

>

>I have always been her favourite child and was treated

>accordingly and have been on a pedastal until I set those

>boundaries. Now, in her opinion, I am selfish, uncaring,

>manipulative, mean spirited and have let her down just like

>everyone else in her life.

>

>I am so saddened to see how many people have been raised by

>BPDs and yet am grateful to know I am not the only one.

>

>Am I in survival mode, " it wasn't that bad, it's not like that,

>she loves you deep down " ? Or can I really feel pity and

>sadness for her without wishing her dead?

>

>I wish all of you healing and peace.

>

>Thank you,

>

>Nell

--

Katrina