Re: Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat?

[Guest guest]

Patinage,

I am sad to hear about this. You are such a great source of comfort and wisdom

on this list, and I hate the idea that you are not being treated honorably.

You should handle this how you want to, of course. My personal belief is that

it sounds like a good time to practice boundaries. Mainly what that means, is

when someone says something you don't like, call them on it, preferably

immediately.

I know some people have or will suggest just walking away, and that is an

understandable way to deal with it too. I like the idea of giving people the

*opportunity* to behave better. Maybe I feel that way because I know my own

behavior has not always been stellar.

Once they have the opportunity, if they choose not to take it, then it is a good

time to leave or mostly disengage and find other friends.

I am curious, when you confronted that woman, what was her excuse or reasoning,

and did she seem to be sincerely sorry?

I'm learning for myself that people can only abuse us if we let them. Very sad.

But it is a great learning opportunity for everyone involved. Please keep us

updated on this!

Deanna

>

> I am trying hard to ignore the nada smear campaigns but it is tough sometimes.

I feel like her poison has infiltrated every aspect of my life. I was wondering

if anyone has some helpful thoughts on this for me.

>

> In short, I have a very interconnected group of stay-at-home moms as friends

and acquaintances. Some of them know people who know nada and those friends I

have left to their own preconceived notions.

>

> Over the last year, I have felt more and more like an outsider and subject of

ridicule. One of these friends was being very nasty to me and another person so

I confronted her, we talked and it seemed like it was worked out but her put

downs and ridicules continued. Then this friend started hanging out with my

best friend and my best friend also began making not so nice comments to me. It

got to the point that I was so nervous around my best friend that I could hardly

speak - which just made her make fun of me more.

>

> I hope I hit enough of the highlights for this to make sense. My husband

thinks it is time for a new circle of friends. I could move on but it is tough.

I have a small business and many are regular customers of mine. I think that

friend/customer connection is tricky to begin with but then add all the nada and

fleas garbage and it just sucks.

>

> I feel I am in a vulnerable place to begin with in this whole recovery process

and this has just thrown me into a severe depression. I have learned to deal

with dysthymia frequently but when I get so bad that I have insomnia, my

functioning decreases pretty quickly. This week, I have had pretty severe

insomnia.

>

> I think a combination of being the subject of nada's ridicule and now from

people who I considered friends, I feel like I have no one besides my husband to

turn to. I know, I need a therapist but I have tried two in my area and they

didn't work out. I will probably have to travel 2 hours to get the help I need.

I can't understand why wanting to get out of this so badly doesn't seem to be

enough.

>

> patinage

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys, thanks Deanna. Maybe it is just like dealing with nada and NC in

that, at first, you just remove yourself from the situation and over time you

can maybe learn to confront it all without fanning the flames. I hear ya'

Deanna - I am not perfect either and giving them a chance to do better is always

a good option.

It seems like there is always this huge low/frustration/painful moment before I

hit a big new aha moment in dealing with nada, nada spin off and fleas. I think

this may be one of those moments. I am trying to figure out my part in all

this, because I know there is stuff I am doing to either bring this on or I am

not dealing with situations effectively to ward it off. I know I can't change

other people and I can only change how I handle it. I can't change how I feel

but only what I choose to do about those feeligs.

I think as the baby of the family, I was never taken very seriously. I

self-depricate and make jokes about myself. It seems in some groups this works

but an agressive member of a group can turn this on me pretty quickly. So my

joking turns itself on me. That's the extrenal stuff going on.

Inside, I am afraid of trusting that anyone will actually come through for me.

I am having these feelings come up that my parents attended all my

sporting/performance events only when I was doing well. When I was struggling,

my nada said things like, " You're not doing well anyway so you don't care if we

don't come to this do you? " My fada said to a coach once, " We'll work on that

more with her " when a coach suggested that doing xyz would help a lot. I

remember just about bursting out in laughter bc my fada never had ANYTHING to do

with helping me practice ANYTHING. I loved to sing, my fada was a hugely

accomplished singer, he never helped me practice ONCE! (wow, my emotions on

this are coming through my capitalizing as I write this:).

(Oh, and the whole church thing, was totally my life when I first went NC with

nada. Fada was/is now retired pastor of the church they and I went to but nada

used everyone who would listen and the lovely prayer email chain to spread her

crap. I left asap from the church and really haven't found a church/group of

people who I trust.)

So there is the start of this break-through. How I interact, protect or not

protect myself and all the baggage behind it. Does anyone see the next dots to

connect?

patinage

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys, thanks Deanna. Maybe it is just like dealing with nada and NC in

that, at first, you just remove yourself from the situation and over time you

can maybe learn to confront it all without fanning the flames. I hear ya'

Deanna - I am not perfect either and giving them a chance to do better is always

a good option.

It seems like there is always this huge low/frustration/painful moment before I

hit a big new aha moment in dealing with nada, nada spin off and fleas. I think

this may be one of those moments. I am trying to figure out my part in all

this, because I know there is stuff I am doing to either bring this on or I am

not dealing with situations effectively to ward it off. I know I can't change

other people and I can only change how I handle it. I can't change how I feel

but only what I choose to do about those feeligs.

I think as the baby of the family, I was never taken very seriously. I

self-depricate and make jokes about myself. It seems in some groups this works

but an agressive member of a group can turn this on me pretty quickly. So my

joking turns itself on me. That's the extrenal stuff going on.

Inside, I am afraid of trusting that anyone will actually come through for me.

I am having these feelings come up that my parents attended all my

sporting/performance events only when I was doing well. When I was struggling,

my nada said things like, " You're not doing well anyway so you don't care if we

don't come to this do you? " My fada said to a coach once, " We'll work on that

more with her " when a coach suggested that doing xyz would help a lot. I

remember just about bursting out in laughter bc my fada never had ANYTHING to do

with helping me practice ANYTHING. I loved to sing, my fada was a hugely

accomplished singer, he never helped me practice ONCE! (wow, my emotions on

this are coming through my capitalizing as I write this:).

(Oh, and the whole church thing, was totally my life when I first went NC with

nada. Fada was/is now retired pastor of the church they and I went to but nada

used everyone who would listen and the lovely prayer email chain to spread her

crap. I left asap from the church and really haven't found a church/group of

people who I trust.)

So there is the start of this break-through. How I interact, protect or not

protect myself and all the baggage behind it. Does anyone see the next dots to

connect?

patinage