Children's Bible

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Subject: JUDUS ASPARAGUS VERY IMPORTANT

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This

is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how

often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing

but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is

one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they

weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were

driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in

though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,

who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but

one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put

his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join

him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and . was more famous

than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold his birthmark in

exchange for some pot roast. had a son named ph who wore a

really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil

Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These

plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave

them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat,

smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just

thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was who was the first Bible guy to

use spies. fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell

over on the town.

After came . He got to be king by killing a giant with a

slingshot. He had a son named who had about 300 wives and

500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound

very wise to me.

After there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of

these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up

on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I

guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament Jesus is the star of

The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been

born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the

door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter

of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the

Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas

Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to

some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before

Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed

his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died, then came back to life again. He went up to

Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is

foretold in the book of Revolution.