Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 That's how mine is, too: she wants ONLY me and my brother. She recently told me that the only reason she has the one friend she has is because I don't pick up my phone when she calls. I'm so glad you have a strategy worked out for her stay with you to be limited. Your mother really does sound like mine, like both my parents, in fact. My father died 3 years ago but he and my mother were a terror to me. I know he loved me but it was very, very conditional. " Do/be/think my way or that's that between us. " And I know how you feel about nada being your every thought. It is anguishing. That stopped for me when i began therapy. I don't know if you have seen/are seeing a therapist, but that could help you deal with the ruminating fear/obligation/guilt thoughts about your mother. Oh, something that worked for me that might for you: next time you talk to nada, picture a little girl, around 3 or 4 years old. And pretend THAT'S who you're talking to. Because it is! Let us know how it goes; we'll be here for you! Fiona > >> > >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have > a > >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ok! I'll try to picture her a little girl next time. I was in therapy once a month until last November. Then I married and have been spending lots of money with the apartment that I stopped. I was reading STop Walking on Eggshells and thought I could heal myself but dettach is being very difficult to do by myself. Last time I talked to my hotline ( mom's neighbour), I told her I'd would call nada this week but I really don't feel I want and every night I'm just waiting for nada calling that could be a call like nothing had happen before or a " you said you would call me! What happens " and usually I play everything is fine or that my phone wasn't work very well( I use IT phone) but in fact I'd like to tell her I'm said and scary with her behaviours. It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. >That's how mine is, too: she wants ONLY me and my brother. >She recently told me that the only reason she has the one friend she has is because I don't pick up my phone when she calls. > >I'm so glad you have a strategy worked out for her stay with you to be limited. > >Your mother really does sound like mine, like both my parents, in fact. My father died 3 years ago but he and my mother were a terror to me. I know he loved me but it was very, very conditional. " Do/be/think my way or that's that between us. " > >And I know how you feel about nada being your every thought. It is anguishing. That stopped for me when i began therapy. I don't know if you have seen/are seeing a therapist, but that could help you deal with the ruminating fear/obligation/guilt thoughts about your mother. > >Oh, something that worked for me that might for you: next time you talk to nada, picture a little girl, around 3 or 4 years old. And pretend THAT'S who you're talking to. Because it is! > >Let us know how it goes; we'll be here for you! > >Fiona > > >> >> >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have >> a >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? >> >> >> > >> > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ok! I'll try to picture her a little girl next time. I was in therapy once a month until last November. Then I married and have been spending lots of money with the apartment that I stopped. I was reading STop Walking on Eggshells and thought I could heal myself but dettach is being very difficult to do by myself. Last time I talked to my hotline ( mom's neighbour), I told her I'd would call nada this week but I really don't feel I want and every night I'm just waiting for nada calling that could be a call like nothing had happen before or a " you said you would call me! What happens " and usually I play everything is fine or that my phone wasn't work very well( I use IT phone) but in fact I'd like to tell her I'm said and scary with her behaviours. It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. >That's how mine is, too: she wants ONLY me and my brother. >She recently told me that the only reason she has the one friend she has is because I don't pick up my phone when she calls. > >I'm so glad you have a strategy worked out for her stay with you to be limited. > >Your mother really does sound like mine, like both my parents, in fact. My father died 3 years ago but he and my mother were a terror to me. I know he loved me but it was very, very conditional. " Do/be/think my way or that's that between us. " > >And I know how you feel about nada being your every thought. It is anguishing. That stopped for me when i began therapy. I don't know if you have seen/are seeing a therapist, but that could help you deal with the ruminating fear/obligation/guilt thoughts about your mother. > >Oh, something that worked for me that might for you: next time you talk to nada, picture a little girl, around 3 or 4 years old. And pretend THAT'S who you're talking to. Because it is! > >Let us know how it goes; we'll be here for you! > >Fiona > > >> >> >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have >> a >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? >> >> >> > >> > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 Thanks, Fiona. I agree: when my little Sister and I were growing up, our nada was definitely about half Witch bpd and half Queen bpd when she was in her " nasty nada " phase (or " Mr. Hyde " phase.) Then she'd magically transform into the Good Mother (Or kindly Dr. Jekyll) for a little while, but then something would set her off again and she'd turn scary, hostile, angry, resentful, mean and dangerous yet again. As Sister and I grew up her rage, resentment, frustration and hostility began to express itself more as emotional/verbal abuse and less as physical abuse (we were growing big enough to defend ourselves or hit back). But the intent of the verbal/emotional/mental abuse remained the same. The purpose, I think, was to make us afraid of her, to make us obey her without question, to let us know that she was doing us a favor to feed us and clothe us and give us an education, and we'd better be damned grateful because we were disappointing, unsatisfying investments that she nevertheless chose to take care of out of a sense of duty. Now, in old age, nada has switched tactics and tries to use pathetic, needy behaviors (more typical of the Waif bpd) to manipulate and control Sister and me, but my feelings of compassion for nada have all but burned away over the years of having to endure frequent verbal abuse. Its really amazingly sad that if abandonment is the thing that the person with bpd fears the most, that the person with bpd should be so obdurate and single-mindedly focused on being caustic, mean and hostile to those on whom she must turn to in old age to care for her. All I can say is that the executive (rational, thinking part) of my nada's brain must not have been working for a long time, if she couldn't figure out that if you kick a dog hard enough and often enough, eventually the dog won't come to you when you call it even if you feed the poor damned thing every day. The pain of the mistreatment will eventually outweigh the benefits, and the dog's survival instinct will kick in and it will try to escape if it can. -Annie > > <<<<<Annie>>>>> I'm so sorry you grew up at the hands of someone with " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . > > The little girl " exercise " works, more or less, for me because my mother is more of a hermit/waif. She was meaner when I was little, you know, critical, harsh, making me feel like I was in competition with her for my father's affection. Now, she's not really mean. She does have a strong, overwhelming, suffocating, self-centered, avoidant, critical personality but she does back off if I get in her face. And beeelieve me, her remarks, etc., definitely don't roll off me at all. I wish they would. But being here on this board has helped me distance myself a bit more from them. > > Your mother sounds more like the Witch in the BPD mother book. Yeah, the little girl thing isn't going to work for you. > > And I don't know if it'll work for you, either, . Your mother might have more Witch in her, too. (you both know I'm not calling your mothers a witch, I hope! I'm just using the classifications from the BPD mother book) For her to ask you how much you AND your husband make...and go apeshit if you don't want to tell her...that is too much to bear. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 If there was a " winking " emoticon available, I'd use it! Lol! Thanks, -Annie > > Annie, I LOVE your new designation for Cluster B disorders!! I am laughing out loud on that one. Definitely right on the money, Girl! > > Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 If there was a " winking " emoticon available, I'd use it! Lol! Thanks, -Annie > > Annie, I LOVE your new designation for Cluster B disorders!! I am laughing out loud on that one. Definitely right on the money, Girl! > > Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 If there was a " winking " emoticon available, I'd use it! Lol! Thanks, -Annie > > Annie, I LOVE your new designation for Cluster B disorders!! I am laughing out loud on that one. Definitely right on the money, Girl! > > Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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