Guest guest Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 " Is this all because she lives alone? " No, , it's all because she's CRAZY. It is particularly cruel of her to use your worries about a pregnancy against you like this. Forty-three is still a POSSIBLE age to have a child, although it's kind of hard to run around after a toddler when you're in your forties. Maybe it's possible for you and your husband to adopt a baby, or an older child, or to be a foster parent. If you really want to be a parent or help kids, there is almost certainly a way for you to do that. Whatever you decide, it is NOT up to your mom. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 " Is this all because she lives alone? " No, , it's all because she's CRAZY. It is particularly cruel of her to use your worries about a pregnancy against you like this. Forty-three is still a POSSIBLE age to have a child, although it's kind of hard to run around after a toddler when you're in your forties. Maybe it's possible for you and your husband to adopt a baby, or an older child, or to be a foster parent. If you really want to be a parent or help kids, there is almost certainly a way for you to do that. Whatever you decide, it is NOT up to your mom. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 Amen! Sweetie its not because she lives alone. She is a manipulative BPD!!!! Not your fault!!!! What books have you read? And what about a therapist? The only things that seem to help are boundaries, no contact or low contact. I would reccommend the book Emotional Blackmail as a starting point. I'm sorry! You deserved better! And now you deserve to have a life that doesn't revolve around NADA!!! On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 6:37 PM, shirleyspawn wrote: > > > > > " Is this all because she lives alone? " > > No, , it's all because she's CRAZY. It is particularly cruel of her > to use your worries about a pregnancy against you like this. > > Forty-three is still a POSSIBLE age to have a child, although it's kind of > hard to run around after a toddler when you're in your forties. Maybe it's > possible for you and your husband to adopt a baby, or an older child, or to > be a foster parent. If you really want to be a parent or help kids, there is > almost certainly a way for you to do that. > > Whatever you decide, it is NOT up to your mom. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 Amen! Sweetie its not because she lives alone. She is a manipulative BPD!!!! Not your fault!!!! What books have you read? And what about a therapist? The only things that seem to help are boundaries, no contact or low contact. I would reccommend the book Emotional Blackmail as a starting point. I'm sorry! You deserved better! And now you deserve to have a life that doesn't revolve around NADA!!! On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 6:37 PM, shirleyspawn wrote: > > > > > " Is this all because she lives alone? " > > No, , it's all because she's CRAZY. It is particularly cruel of her > to use your worries about a pregnancy against you like this. > > Forty-three is still a POSSIBLE age to have a child, although it's kind of > hard to run around after a toddler when you're in your forties. Maybe it's > possible for you and your husband to adopt a baby, or an older child, or to > be a foster parent. If you really want to be a parent or help kids, there is > almost certainly a way for you to do that. > > Whatever you decide, it is NOT up to your mom. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 Amen! Sweetie its not because she lives alone. She is a manipulative BPD!!!! Not your fault!!!! What books have you read? And what about a therapist? The only things that seem to help are boundaries, no contact or low contact. I would reccommend the book Emotional Blackmail as a starting point. I'm sorry! You deserved better! And now you deserve to have a life that doesn't revolve around NADA!!! On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 6:37 PM, shirleyspawn wrote: > > > > > " Is this all because she lives alone? " > > No, , it's all because she's CRAZY. It is particularly cruel of her > to use your worries about a pregnancy against you like this. > > Forty-three is still a POSSIBLE age to have a child, although it's kind of > hard to run around after a toddler when you're in your forties. Maybe it's > possible for you and your husband to adopt a baby, or an older child, or to > be a foster parent. If you really want to be a parent or help kids, there is > almost certainly a way for you to do that. > > Whatever you decide, it is NOT up to your mom. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 , my mother lives alone, too. I always hear the same song and dance, although my mother delivers hers much more sneakily. She'll say, " oh, I ran into so and so; she said her daughter's buying a home for her to move in with them. Some people have all the luck!! " The thing is, and I have said this to my mother, it is HER choice if she lives alone. She could move into our town's very nice senior housing, where she'd have lots of company...but she doesn't want to. She wants ME and my brother to make that decision for her and I am not going to do it. I just can't. This has been a flea for me and I'm in therapy to shake it: " my happiness is based on other people doing things for me. If I had a bad vacation, it's my husband's fault for picking such a lousy place. If I had a bad weekend, it's my husband's fault for not planning more fun things for us to do. " CRAZY. That's how I've been and I am NOT staying this way. I don't want to end up an old miserable, codependent woman! And that's what my mother's doing. " I'm not happy. YOU have to make me happy. YOU have to sit by my side and listen to me talk for, um, 3 hours. YOU have to make decisions for me. , I don't even know you and I can relate to you. When my mother comes over, my stomach starts to curdle. Everything is so stressful, she agitates everyone. Honestly, and again, I don't know you at all, so take my advice as you like--I would NOT be able to stand my mother in my house for 3 weeks. I would be comatose/zombie-like by the end and guess what? Your mother might find some way ( " I don't feel well... " ) to stay another week or so. I just saw your other post re: what if you tell her that her stressful behavior is making you ill. You could try that. She'll probably become so hysterical she'll say she never wants to see you again, etc., and you'd probably get a break from her for a few weeks. I told my mother that, I said that her anxiety was making me ill. She just laughed at me. Sigh. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes. Fiona > > Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have a > baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > Is this all because she lives alone? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 , my mother lives alone, too. I always hear the same song and dance, although my mother delivers hers much more sneakily. She'll say, " oh, I ran into so and so; she said her daughter's buying a home for her to move in with them. Some people have all the luck!! " The thing is, and I have said this to my mother, it is HER choice if she lives alone. She could move into our town's very nice senior housing, where she'd have lots of company...but she doesn't want to. She wants ME and my brother to make that decision for her and I am not going to do it. I just can't. This has been a flea for me and I'm in therapy to shake it: " my happiness is based on other people doing things for me. If I had a bad vacation, it's my husband's fault for picking such a lousy place. If I had a bad weekend, it's my husband's fault for not planning more fun things for us to do. " CRAZY. That's how I've been and I am NOT staying this way. I don't want to end up an old miserable, codependent woman! And that's what my mother's doing. " I'm not happy. YOU have to make me happy. YOU have to sit by my side and listen to me talk for, um, 3 hours. YOU have to make decisions for me. , I don't even know you and I can relate to you. When my mother comes over, my stomach starts to curdle. Everything is so stressful, she agitates everyone. Honestly, and again, I don't know you at all, so take my advice as you like--I would NOT be able to stand my mother in my house for 3 weeks. I would be comatose/zombie-like by the end and guess what? Your mother might find some way ( " I don't feel well... " ) to stay another week or so. I just saw your other post re: what if you tell her that her stressful behavior is making you ill. You could try that. She'll probably become so hysterical she'll say she never wants to see you again, etc., and you'd probably get a break from her for a few weeks. I told my mother that, I said that her anxiety was making me ill. She just laughed at me. Sigh. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes. Fiona > > Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have a > baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > Is this all because she lives alone? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Dear Fiona and everyone who spent energy and time to help me: a big thank you to all of you! Amazing how many of us have the same problems.. I suggested to my nada an elderly care center( many of them looks like a hotel with your separate room,etc) but she freaked out blaming how I dare to dispose her like this. All my efforts to explain that I'm not disposing her and I care very much of her was useless. I suggested a kind of maid who could be a company for herbut she refused. She wants ONLY ME! I think I can avoid she stays longer cause I'll get an air ticket with fixed date but probably she will try stay more..she didit before until we end up in a big fight, screaming loud enough to get the attention of all neighbours around. What a shame! She loves big rages explosions! Her father was an alcoholic who beat up my grandmama, her and all her sisters every night according to her,.. Sometimes I wonder if all her stories are true but it was I hear since child. She raised me isolated of ALL her family.. I read Stop Walking in Eggshells twice but it seems I don't put in practice some tips in time. I often go back to the book when I can't deal with her. This time I also came back to this support group where I can tell the details of real situations and have a such support of all of you. It heals a lot! Detach myself of her has being a difficult thing. I often find myself thinking about her every moment Im with myself ( in the toilet, in the bath,cooking). It really sucks my energy. Let's see how will be the next terror talk I'll have with nada.. >, >my mother lives alone, too. I always hear the same song and dance, although my mother delivers hers much more sneakily. She'll say, " oh, I ran into so and so; she said her daughter's buying a home for her to move in with them. Some people have all the luck!! " > >The thing is, and I have said this to my mother, it is HER choice if she lives alone. She could move into our town's very nice senior housing, where she'd have lots of company...but she doesn't want to. She wants ME and my brother to make that decision for her and I am not going to do it. I just can't. > >This has been a flea for me and I'm in therapy to shake it: " my happiness is based on other people doing things for me. If I had a bad vacation, it's my husband's fault for picking such a lousy place. If I had a bad weekend, it's my husband's fault for not planning more fun things for us to do. " CRAZY. That's how I've been and I am NOT staying this way. I don't want to end up an old miserable, codependent woman! > >And that's what my mother's doing. " I'm not happy. YOU have to make me happy. YOU have to sit by my side and listen to me talk for, um, 3 hours. YOU have to make decisions for me. > >, I don't even know you and I can relate to you. When my mother comes over, my stomach starts to curdle. Everything is so stressful, she agitates everyone. > >Honestly, and again, I don't know you at all, so take my advice as you like--I would NOT be able to stand my mother in my house for 3 weeks. I would be comatose/zombie-like by the end and guess what? Your mother might find some way ( " I don't feel well... " ) to stay another week or so. > >I just saw your other post re: what if you tell her that her stressful behavior is making you ill. You could try that. She'll probably become so hysterical she'll say she never wants to see you again, etc., and you'd probably get a break from her for a few weeks. I told my mother that, I said that her anxiety was making me ill. She just laughed at me. > >Sigh. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes. > >Fiona > > > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have a >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. >> Is this all because she lives alone? >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Dear Fiona and everyone who spent energy and time to help me: a big thank you to all of you! Amazing how many of us have the same problems.. I suggested to my nada an elderly care center( many of them looks like a hotel with your separate room,etc) but she freaked out blaming how I dare to dispose her like this. All my efforts to explain that I'm not disposing her and I care very much of her was useless. I suggested a kind of maid who could be a company for herbut she refused. She wants ONLY ME! I think I can avoid she stays longer cause I'll get an air ticket with fixed date but probably she will try stay more..she didit before until we end up in a big fight, screaming loud enough to get the attention of all neighbours around. What a shame! She loves big rages explosions! Her father was an alcoholic who beat up my grandmama, her and all her sisters every night according to her,.. Sometimes I wonder if all her stories are true but it was I hear since child. She raised me isolated of ALL her family.. I read Stop Walking in Eggshells twice but it seems I don't put in practice some tips in time. I often go back to the book when I can't deal with her. This time I also came back to this support group where I can tell the details of real situations and have a such support of all of you. It heals a lot! Detach myself of her has being a difficult thing. I often find myself thinking about her every moment Im with myself ( in the toilet, in the bath,cooking). It really sucks my energy. Let's see how will be the next terror talk I'll have with nada.. >, >my mother lives alone, too. I always hear the same song and dance, although my mother delivers hers much more sneakily. She'll say, " oh, I ran into so and so; she said her daughter's buying a home for her to move in with them. Some people have all the luck!! " > >The thing is, and I have said this to my mother, it is HER choice if she lives alone. She could move into our town's very nice senior housing, where she'd have lots of company...but she doesn't want to. She wants ME and my brother to make that decision for her and I am not going to do it. I just can't. > >This has been a flea for me and I'm in therapy to shake it: " my happiness is based on other people doing things for me. If I had a bad vacation, it's my husband's fault for picking such a lousy place. If I had a bad weekend, it's my husband's fault for not planning more fun things for us to do. " CRAZY. That's how I've been and I am NOT staying this way. I don't want to end up an old miserable, codependent woman! > >And that's what my mother's doing. " I'm not happy. YOU have to make me happy. YOU have to sit by my side and listen to me talk for, um, 3 hours. YOU have to make decisions for me. > >, I don't even know you and I can relate to you. When my mother comes over, my stomach starts to curdle. Everything is so stressful, she agitates everyone. > >Honestly, and again, I don't know you at all, so take my advice as you like--I would NOT be able to stand my mother in my house for 3 weeks. I would be comatose/zombie-like by the end and guess what? Your mother might find some way ( " I don't feel well... " ) to stay another week or so. > >I just saw your other post re: what if you tell her that her stressful behavior is making you ill. You could try that. She'll probably become so hysterical she'll say she never wants to see you again, etc., and you'd probably get a break from her for a few weeks. I told my mother that, I said that her anxiety was making me ill. She just laughed at me. > >Sigh. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes. > >Fiona > > > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have a >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. >> Is this all because she lives alone? >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 That's how mine is, too: she wants ONLY me and my brother. She recently told me that the only reason she has the one friend she has is because I don't pick up my phone when she calls. I'm so glad you have a strategy worked out for her stay with you to be limited. Your mother really does sound like mine, like both my parents, in fact. My father died 3 years ago but he and my mother were a terror to me. I know he loved me but it was very, very conditional. " Do/be/think my way or that's that between us. " And I know how you feel about nada being your every thought. It is anguishing. That stopped for me when i began therapy. I don't know if you have seen/are seeing a therapist, but that could help you deal with the ruminating fear/obligation/guilt thoughts about your mother. Oh, something that worked for me that might for you: next time you talk to nada, picture a little girl, around 3 or 4 years old. And pretend THAT'S who you're talking to. Because it is! Let us know how it goes; we'll be here for you! Fiona > >> > >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have > a > >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 That's how mine is, too: she wants ONLY me and my brother. She recently told me that the only reason she has the one friend she has is because I don't pick up my phone when she calls. I'm so glad you have a strategy worked out for her stay with you to be limited. Your mother really does sound like mine, like both my parents, in fact. My father died 3 years ago but he and my mother were a terror to me. I know he loved me but it was very, very conditional. " Do/be/think my way or that's that between us. " And I know how you feel about nada being your every thought. It is anguishing. That stopped for me when i began therapy. I don't know if you have seen/are seeing a therapist, but that could help you deal with the ruminating fear/obligation/guilt thoughts about your mother. Oh, something that worked for me that might for you: next time you talk to nada, picture a little girl, around 3 or 4 years old. And pretend THAT'S who you're talking to. Because it is! Let us know how it goes; we'll be here for you! Fiona > >> > >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have > a > >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Ok! I'll try to picture her a little girl next time. I was in therapy once a month until last November. Then I married and have been spending lots of money with the apartment that I stopped. I was reading STop Walking on Eggshells and thought I could heal myself but dettach is being very difficult to do by myself. Last time I talked to my hotline ( mom's neighbour), I told her I'd would call nada this week but I really don't feel I want and every night I'm just waiting for nada calling that could be a call like nothing had happen before or a " you said you would call me! What happens " and usually I play everything is fine or that my phone wasn't work very well( I use IT phone) but in fact I'd like to tell her I'm said and scary with her behaviours. It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. >That's how mine is, too: she wants ONLY me and my brother. >She recently told me that the only reason she has the one friend she has is because I don't pick up my phone when she calls. > >I'm so glad you have a strategy worked out for her stay with you to be limited. > >Your mother really does sound like mine, like both my parents, in fact. My father died 3 years ago but he and my mother were a terror to me. I know he loved me but it was very, very conditional. " Do/be/think my way or that's that between us. " > >And I know how you feel about nada being your every thought. It is anguishing. That stopped for me when i began therapy. I don't know if you have seen/are seeing a therapist, but that could help you deal with the ruminating fear/obligation/guilt thoughts about your mother. > >Oh, something that worked for me that might for you: next time you talk to nada, picture a little girl, around 3 or 4 years old. And pretend THAT'S who you're talking to. Because it is! > >Let us know how it goes; we'll be here for you! > >Fiona > > >> >> >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to have >> a >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? >> >> >> > >> > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 " It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. " I know, it really is sad. It would be so nice to honestly say what you really mean and not what she wants to hear. Same here; it's all superficial. I don't blame you for not wanting to call her. Who wants to talk to someone who criticizes and guilts them? I have to read Stop Walking on Eggshells; I haven't read it yet. > >> >> > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to > have > >> a > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 " It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. " I know, it really is sad. It would be so nice to honestly say what you really mean and not what she wants to hear. Same here; it's all superficial. I don't blame you for not wanting to call her. Who wants to talk to someone who criticizes and guilts them? I have to read Stop Walking on Eggshells; I haven't read it yet. > >> >> > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to > have > >> a > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 " It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. " I know, it really is sad. It would be so nice to honestly say what you really mean and not what she wants to hear. Same here; it's all superficial. I don't blame you for not wanting to call her. Who wants to talk to someone who criticizes and guilts them? I have to read Stop Walking on Eggshells; I haven't read it yet. > >> >> > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband either. > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm 43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, sometimes I want to > have > >> a > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much older than him. > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better education! " > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Stop Walking on Eggshells is a GREAT book. I got the workbook but just started the exercises and stopped. It became painful to get in touch with so many confused feelings and I really realized that the damages the BPD behaviours are much bigger that I could imagine when I started to know about it. WHen I looked for a professional help to know what is going on with nada = I thought I would be a superhero daughter who would save mom from her craziness. Now I think that I have much more things to do with myself 1st. and I think that's all unsolved issues that makes me loose my temper when she lost hers. I learned in the book that they are like a 3 yo. kid, you suggested me to picture her like that, I know I wouldn't blow up w/ a 3yo. kid but it's very difficult to maintain myself calm with nada. Everytime we get together, we fight in the 2nd or 3rd day because she uses EVERY chance she has to be only with me to criticizes me, to sneak into my personal stuffs ( she always want to know how much money I have and recently, even how much money my husband has!!!) and if I don't tell her a number = oh God, she gets mad! and basically every ammount I say she replies : " only this?? " I can deal better over the phone cause I can hang it at anytime but in person...she becames totally histerical and treats suicide. There's no time to heal myself 1st and after deal with her so both things need to be done in the same time and I'll try put my anger beside and picture her a little girl with tantrums. I'm writing this again to in put it in my mind. Let's see if it works. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, August 26, 2010 8:33:37 AM Subject: Re: Nada lives alone " It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. " I know, it really is sad. It would be so nice to honestly say what you really mean and not what she wants to hear. Same here; it's all superficial. I don't blame you for not wanting to call her. Who wants to talk to someone who criticizes and guilts them? I have to read Stop Walking on Eggshells; I haven't read it yet. > >> >> > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every >chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. >Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband >either. > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to >save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father >visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and >kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair >year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. >She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm >43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my >FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my >scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with >problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her >that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that >she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, >sometimes I want to > have > >> a > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not >crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much >older than him. > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant >othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life >because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who >devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better >education! " > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is >very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because >it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I >said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Stop Walking on Eggshells is a GREAT book. I got the workbook but just started the exercises and stopped. It became painful to get in touch with so many confused feelings and I really realized that the damages the BPD behaviours are much bigger that I could imagine when I started to know about it. WHen I looked for a professional help to know what is going on with nada = I thought I would be a superhero daughter who would save mom from her craziness. Now I think that I have much more things to do with myself 1st. and I think that's all unsolved issues that makes me loose my temper when she lost hers. I learned in the book that they are like a 3 yo. kid, you suggested me to picture her like that, I know I wouldn't blow up w/ a 3yo. kid but it's very difficult to maintain myself calm with nada. Everytime we get together, we fight in the 2nd or 3rd day because she uses EVERY chance she has to be only with me to criticizes me, to sneak into my personal stuffs ( she always want to know how much money I have and recently, even how much money my husband has!!!) and if I don't tell her a number = oh God, she gets mad! and basically every ammount I say she replies : " only this?? " I can deal better over the phone cause I can hang it at anytime but in person...she becames totally histerical and treats suicide. There's no time to heal myself 1st and after deal with her so both things need to be done in the same time and I'll try put my anger beside and picture her a little girl with tantrums. I'm writing this again to in put it in my mind. Let's see if it works. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, August 26, 2010 8:33:37 AM Subject: Re: Nada lives alone " It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. " I know, it really is sad. It would be so nice to honestly say what you really mean and not what she wants to hear. Same here; it's all superficial. I don't blame you for not wanting to call her. Who wants to talk to someone who criticizes and guilts them? I have to read Stop Walking on Eggshells; I haven't read it yet. > >> >> > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every >chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. >Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband >either. > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to >save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father >visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and >kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair >year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. >She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm >43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my >FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my >scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with >problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her >that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that >she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, >sometimes I want to > have > >> a > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not >crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much >older than him. > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant >othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life >because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who >devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better >education! " > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is >very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because >it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I >said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Stop Walking on Eggshells is a GREAT book. I got the workbook but just started the exercises and stopped. It became painful to get in touch with so many confused feelings and I really realized that the damages the BPD behaviours are much bigger that I could imagine when I started to know about it. WHen I looked for a professional help to know what is going on with nada = I thought I would be a superhero daughter who would save mom from her craziness. Now I think that I have much more things to do with myself 1st. and I think that's all unsolved issues that makes me loose my temper when she lost hers. I learned in the book that they are like a 3 yo. kid, you suggested me to picture her like that, I know I wouldn't blow up w/ a 3yo. kid but it's very difficult to maintain myself calm with nada. Everytime we get together, we fight in the 2nd or 3rd day because she uses EVERY chance she has to be only with me to criticizes me, to sneak into my personal stuffs ( she always want to know how much money I have and recently, even how much money my husband has!!!) and if I don't tell her a number = oh God, she gets mad! and basically every ammount I say she replies : " only this?? " I can deal better over the phone cause I can hang it at anytime but in person...she becames totally histerical and treats suicide. There's no time to heal myself 1st and after deal with her so both things need to be done in the same time and I'll try put my anger beside and picture her a little girl with tantrums. I'm writing this again to in put it in my mind. Let's see if it works. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thu, August 26, 2010 8:33:37 AM Subject: Re: Nada lives alone " It's said that I can't be sincere with my mother and need to " act " all the time and even doing this, most of the time doesn't work,.. " I know, it really is sad. It would be so nice to honestly say what you really mean and not what she wants to hear. Same here; it's all superficial. I don't blame you for not wanting to call her. Who wants to talk to someone who criticizes and guilts them? I have to read Stop Walking on Eggshells; I haven't read it yet. > >> >> > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every >chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. >Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband >either. > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to >save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father >visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and >kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair >year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. >She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm >43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my >FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my >scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with >problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her >that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that >she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, >sometimes I want to > have > >> a > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not >crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much >older than him. > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant >othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life >because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who >devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better >education! " > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is >very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because >it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I >said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > >> >> > >> > > >> > > >> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 I wish I could picture my mother as just a rather tall little girl and let her behaviors just roll off me and not affect me, but my mother is just so damned *mean.* She actually wants to hurt me; she goes out of her way to hurt me. She actually feels justified in saying ugly, critical, denigrating, insulting things to me. I would go so far as to say *meanness*, the desire to hurt another, is the defining trait underlying all my mother's negative behaviors. If that's a child's behavior, then that is one spoiled, mean, hateful child who was never given boundaries, who was never given consequences for breaking boundaries or for hurting other people, a child who never developed even a rudimentary sense of empathy, and who simply doesn't care if she's hurting someone else as long as she is getting her own way: being the center of attention and being catered to. Its just... I just don't want to be around that any more. I feel like I've put in enough decades trying to please her and getting raked over the coals instead for not being good enough. I'm just tired of it. I'm topped off. In a fit of pique once, and indulging in " black " or " gallows " humor, I suggested that the combination of several Cluster B disorders (like my nada has) be renamed " SAD " , which would stand for " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . Who knows, the DSM gets revised every few years. Maybe they'll like the idea of a name for the combo of bpd/npd/hpd/aspd. -Annie > > >> >> > > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every > >chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. > >Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband > >either. > > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to > >save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father > >visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and > >kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair > >year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. > >She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm > >43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my > >FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my > >scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with > >problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her > >that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that > >she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, > >sometimes I want to > > have > > >> a > > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not > >crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much > >older than him. > > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant > >othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life > >because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who > >devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better > >education! " > > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is > >very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because > >it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I > >said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > > > > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > > >> >> > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 I wish I could picture my mother as just a rather tall little girl and let her behaviors just roll off me and not affect me, but my mother is just so damned *mean.* She actually wants to hurt me; she goes out of her way to hurt me. She actually feels justified in saying ugly, critical, denigrating, insulting things to me. I would go so far as to say *meanness*, the desire to hurt another, is the defining trait underlying all my mother's negative behaviors. If that's a child's behavior, then that is one spoiled, mean, hateful child who was never given boundaries, who was never given consequences for breaking boundaries or for hurting other people, a child who never developed even a rudimentary sense of empathy, and who simply doesn't care if she's hurting someone else as long as she is getting her own way: being the center of attention and being catered to. Its just... I just don't want to be around that any more. I feel like I've put in enough decades trying to please her and getting raked over the coals instead for not being good enough. I'm just tired of it. I'm topped off. In a fit of pique once, and indulging in " black " or " gallows " humor, I suggested that the combination of several Cluster B disorders (like my nada has) be renamed " SAD " , which would stand for " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . Who knows, the DSM gets revised every few years. Maybe they'll like the idea of a name for the combo of bpd/npd/hpd/aspd. -Annie > > >> >> > > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every > >chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. > >Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband > >either. > > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to > >save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father > >visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and > >kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair > >year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. > >She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm > >43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my > >FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my > >scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with > >problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her > >that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that > >she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, > >sometimes I want to > > have > > >> a > > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not > >crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much > >older than him. > > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant > >othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life > >because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who > >devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better > >education! " > > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is > >very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because > >it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I > >said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > > > > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > > >> >> > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 I wish I could picture my mother as just a rather tall little girl and let her behaviors just roll off me and not affect me, but my mother is just so damned *mean.* She actually wants to hurt me; she goes out of her way to hurt me. She actually feels justified in saying ugly, critical, denigrating, insulting things to me. I would go so far as to say *meanness*, the desire to hurt another, is the defining trait underlying all my mother's negative behaviors. If that's a child's behavior, then that is one spoiled, mean, hateful child who was never given boundaries, who was never given consequences for breaking boundaries or for hurting other people, a child who never developed even a rudimentary sense of empathy, and who simply doesn't care if she's hurting someone else as long as she is getting her own way: being the center of attention and being catered to. Its just... I just don't want to be around that any more. I feel like I've put in enough decades trying to please her and getting raked over the coals instead for not being good enough. I'm just tired of it. I'm topped off. In a fit of pique once, and indulging in " black " or " gallows " humor, I suggested that the combination of several Cluster B disorders (like my nada has) be renamed " SAD " , which would stand for " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . Who knows, the DSM gets revised every few years. Maybe they'll like the idea of a name for the combo of bpd/npd/hpd/aspd. -Annie > > >> >> > > >> >> Nada always blame me for let her live alone and she repeats it every > >chance she has. I'm sooooo fed up with her talks that I can't stand her anymore. > >Just to think about she's coming to visit me makes ke nervous about. My husband > >either. > > >> >> She loves to says to everybody how she suffered to raise me struggling to > >save money cause my father was a bastard. She is a single mother but my father > >visited us every night and when I was sleeping, he went back to his wife and > >kids home. My mother was his lover for18y. I was born in their 5th love affair > >year. She always says that she didn't love him and just wanted to have a kid. > >She was 31yo when I came to this world to be the only daughter of her.Now I'm > >43, never got pregnant and it's be my last year to get pregnant according to my > >FENGSHUI and one doctor said it's already too late. Since I married last year my > >scary Nada says that I should not get pregnant because I'd have a kid with > >problem. This year she got very paranoid about this and begged me to promise her > >that I wouldn't get pregnant. I told her that I would promise anything and that > >she should not to worry because I wasn't thing about to get pregnant. In fact, > >sometimes I want to > > have > > >> a > > >> >> baby, most of the time I'm scared about. Thanks God my husband is not > >crazy to have one and he knew that it would be difficult for me as I'm much > >older than him. > > >> >> The worst thing my Nada said about it was: " you should never get pregnant > >othewise your kid will born deffected and give you trouble the rest of your life > >because God will give you a lesson for not taking care of your mother who > >devoted all life to raise you and worked day and night to give you a better > >education! " > > >> >> I told this episode to her neighbour ( my hotline. Salvation) who is > >very religious and she said to my mom to stop to say those things to me because > >it hurts me. After this she never said again until she breaks up in tears when I > >said she could stay for 3 weeks in my place. > > > > >> >> Is this all because she lives alone? > > >> >> > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 <<<<<Annie>>>>> I'm so sorry you grew up at the hands of someone with " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . The little girl " exercise " works, more or less, for me because my mother is more of a hermit/waif. She was meaner when I was little, you know, critical, harsh, making me feel like I was in competition with her for my father's affection. Now, she's not really mean. She does have a strong, overwhelming, suffocating, self-centered, avoidant, critical personality but she does back off if I get in her face. And beeelieve me, her remarks, etc., definitely don't roll off me at all. I wish they would. But being here on this board has helped me distance myself a bit more from them. Your mother sounds more like the Witch in the BPD mother book. Yeah, the little girl thing isn't going to work for you. And I don't know if it'll work for you, either, . Your mother might have more Witch in her, too. (you both know I'm not calling your mothers a witch, I hope! I'm just using the classifications from the BPD mother book) For her to ask you how much you AND your husband make...and go apeshit if you don't want to tell her...that is too much to bear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 <<<<<Annie>>>>> I'm so sorry you grew up at the hands of someone with " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . The little girl " exercise " works, more or less, for me because my mother is more of a hermit/waif. She was meaner when I was little, you know, critical, harsh, making me feel like I was in competition with her for my father's affection. Now, she's not really mean. She does have a strong, overwhelming, suffocating, self-centered, avoidant, critical personality but she does back off if I get in her face. And beeelieve me, her remarks, etc., definitely don't roll off me at all. I wish they would. But being here on this board has helped me distance myself a bit more from them. Your mother sounds more like the Witch in the BPD mother book. Yeah, the little girl thing isn't going to work for you. And I don't know if it'll work for you, either, . Your mother might have more Witch in her, too. (you both know I'm not calling your mothers a witch, I hope! I'm just using the classifications from the BPD mother book) For her to ask you how much you AND your husband make...and go apeshit if you don't want to tell her...that is too much to bear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2010 Report Share Posted August 26, 2010 Thanks, Fiona. I agree: when my little Sister and I were growing up, our nada was definitely about half Witch bpd and half Queen bpd when she was in her " nasty nada " phase (or " Mr. Hyde " phase.) Then she'd magically transform into the Good Mother (Or kindly Dr. Jekyll) for a little while, but then something would set her off again and she'd turn scary, hostile, angry, resentful, mean and dangerous yet again. As Sister and I grew up her rage, resentment, frustration and hostility began to express itself more as emotional/verbal abuse and less as physical abuse (we were growing big enough to defend ourselves or hit back). But the intent of the verbal/emotional/mental abuse remained the same. The purpose, I think, was to make us afraid of her, to make us obey her without question, to let us know that she was doing us a favor to feed us and clothe us and give us an education, and we'd better be damned grateful because we were disappointing, unsatisfying investments that she nevertheless chose to take care of out of a sense of duty. Now, in old age, nada has switched tactics and tries to use pathetic, needy behaviors (more typical of the Waif bpd) to manipulate and control Sister and me, but my feelings of compassion for nada have all but burned away over the years of having to endure frequent verbal abuse. Its really amazingly sad that if abandonment is the thing that the person with bpd fears the most, that the person with bpd should be so obdurate and single-mindedly focused on being caustic, mean and hostile to those on whom she must turn to in old age to care for her. All I can say is that the executive (rational, thinking part) of my nada's brain must not have been working for a long time, if she couldn't figure out that if you kick a dog hard enough and often enough, eventually the dog won't come to you when you call it even if you feed the poor damned thing every day. The pain of the mistreatment will eventually outweigh the benefits, and the dog's survival instinct will kick in and it will try to escape if it can. -Annie > > <<<<<Annie>>>>> I'm so sorry you grew up at the hands of someone with " Sadistic Asshole Disorder " . > > The little girl " exercise " works, more or less, for me because my mother is more of a hermit/waif. She was meaner when I was little, you know, critical, harsh, making me feel like I was in competition with her for my father's affection. Now, she's not really mean. She does have a strong, overwhelming, suffocating, self-centered, avoidant, critical personality but she does back off if I get in her face. And beeelieve me, her remarks, etc., definitely don't roll off me at all. I wish they would. But being here on this board has helped me distance myself a bit more from them. > > Your mother sounds more like the Witch in the BPD mother book. Yeah, the little girl thing isn't going to work for you. > > And I don't know if it'll work for you, either, . Your mother might have more Witch in her, too. (you both know I'm not calling your mothers a witch, I hope! I'm just using the classifications from the BPD mother book) For her to ask you how much you AND your husband make...and go apeshit if you don't want to tell her...that is too much to bear. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Hi , That is a fascinating article, thanks for posting it. My own personal opinion is that (1) in some cases, children are born with extreme temperament traits or neurological/cognitive conditions (the precursors of mental illness) that affect their perception of the world and their reactions to their perceptions. And (2) in other cases its the parents who are creating a hostile, punitive, frightening, unpredictable environment, or an emotionally impoverished, negligent environment, or a parentifying, soul-sucking environment for their child or children that skews, retards or even prevents the child's normal emotional development. And I suspect that in some cases, its both. It would take a lot of intense study to tease out what is actually going on in any one given case. The main problem as I see it is that a tiny preschool child spends most of his or her waking hours in the care of the mother, alone with the primary caregiver (usually the mother) and possibly with other siblings, so how can an objective evaluation be done unless a neutral third party observer is on the scene 24/7 recording the child's daily interactions with mommy/primary caregiver? Regarding the situation in which a child was born with an organic brain disorder, here is an article (from the Los Angeles Times) about a child apparently born with schizophrenia. Jani spends most of her waking hours in a psychotic/delusional state and only sleeps about 3 or 4 hours out of every 24, and has from birth: http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-schizophrenia29-2009jun29,0,4834892\ ..story Her parents are heartbroken, in anguish over the intractable nature of this disorder, yet grimly determined to do the best they can to care for Jani, and for her baby brother who shows no signs of this disorder. At age 6, Jani is too young to live in a treatment center for schizophrenics so her parents take turns giving her the constant, 24/7 supervision she needs so that she doesn't hurt herself or others (particularly her younger brother.) And Jani is highly intelligent, understands that the creatures she sees and talks with aren't real. She understands that she is ill and that the hurtful, mean things they tell her to do are wrong, but they never go away. Its very, very tragic. -Annie > Exactly Annie - that child has no way to know it isn't normal, just life. I just read part of a disturbing article about " preschooler depression " here > > http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/magazine/29preschool-t.html > > And it just concerns me so much. If a kid is acting depressed at age 2, maybe rather than diagnosing them with depression a good hard look needs to be taken at the PARENTS! I wish like you there could be a system in place to help kids, but even the systems we've got look quickly to make it a problem in the children's biology rather the parents. Ugh. I wish it were a better world too. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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