Re: Spousal abuse

[Guest guest]

After I left home and had to time to speculate on my life, I also realized my

dad wasn't the saint I used to think he was. If he was, he WOULD have taken me

away. I once asked him why he didn't and he said " I thought you needed a mother.

And she wasn't really that bad then. " True, she was more functional when I was

young, but I was left all alone with her the first 3 years of my life, and it

was like leaving a baby with a toddler. During my pre-teen and teen years she

was really bad, and he still didn't leave. He defended me, but only when he was

home. In my opinion, my nada was only half of a mother, and probably none would

have been better.

I also see now what you're saying about the parentification... he definitely

told me since my mother was sick that I had to be the " strong one " . If I told

him something mean she said to me he would say " she doesn't mean it, she's just

sick. She can't help it, she really loves you " . Yes, she's sick, but it seems

that was just removing her responsibility for her actions, the same way she

thinks she's not responsible. He even would tell me not to say or do certain

things that would trigger her. If anything negative happened that she didn't see

we all wouldn't tell my nada because it could upset her. He just enforced all

the eggshell walking.

I guess I do think I'm enabling him, but I've come to think he'll NEVER leave

her, no matter what I do, so I might as well let him have some happiness here. I

do think I will take your advice and get some DV literature. He's gotten so used

to coming here now that at the first sign of nada's craziness he leaves, so the

violence is extremely rare. When I was young he would put up with her verbal

abuse for as long as it took her to tire out. I do think at least not putting up

with that is good, even if he won't permanently leave her.

It makes no sense to me, I couldn't WAIT to get out of that house, and left when

I was 17. Spending 35 years with that woman sounds horrible, there is no way my

dad is unaffected. (he likes to think he is)

Casey

> >

> > From: slingshot2hell <slingshot2hell@...<slingshot2hell%40gmail.com>

> > >

> > Subject: Spousal abuse

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2010, 8:25 PM

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > My nada was never physically violent with me or my brother, although she

> > was rather verbally abusive. She was beat up by her dad as a kid and so

> > promised herself never to lay a hand on her own children. (The fact that she

> > controlled herself with that makes me wish wonder why she can claim no self

> > control with other things she does...) Anyway, I guess she never really made

> > such a promise about her HUSBAND.

> >

> > My mom is the hermit type and my dad really fits the huntsman husband

> > perfectly. Their relationship has really been pretty bad the last 10 years

> > (they have been married 35 years). My dad hasn't worked in over 2 years

> > since the economy crashed and she is soley dependent on him. He used to be

> > really patient with her but lately he has lost all patience. When she starts

> > yelling at him he just leaves and comes to my house. He was often sleeping

> > on my or my brothers couch in our apartments a couple years ago. Last year I

> > rented a house with my partner and we made a bedroom just for him.

> >

> > Sometimes when my dad comes over he has a bruise or scrape on his face or

> > head. He has admitted to me she gets violent. She punches him (which usually

> > doesn't hurt him or leave a mark) or throws things at him (that's when he

> > gets bumps on his head). He says can't really fight back because he is

> > really quite a lot larger and stronger than her. The cops have been involved

> > many times (when neighbors or whitenesses call) but they really don't help

> > much. When she is arrested they don't know how to deal with her severe

> > mental illness, she ends up shackled to the floor, and when she gets out

> > later it's my dad who ends up paying all the legal fees.

> >

> > Both of my parents complain to me about the other, but neither will take my

> > advice to get a divorce.

> >

> > Do you think I just enabling him to not leave her? I feel so bad for him,

> > but at the same time, he's an adult, he should know nothing will change. He

> > stays at my place about 5 nights a week now. (a couple nights a week she's

> > in a " good " phase and wants him back, which he always does when she asks.

> > Until she starts yelling again and then he's back at my place.) He says she

> > has no one else (true) and that she'll just end up killing herself if he

> > doesn't take care of her (also might be true, who knows? but should he

> > sacrifice himself for her??). Well even if I didn't offer my place, he'd

> > sleep on my brother's couch again, or in his car (he's done that as well.) I

> > guess if I can't help him just leave her like he should the least I can do

> > is help him have a good night's sleep.

> >

> > I can't tell you how odd it feels to have my father in this situation. My

> > father has a PhD in math, and used to be making $150k a year. He was always

> > my " rock " in our house, the one thing I could always depend on. I believe

> > he's the only reason I don't have BPD myself. When I've lost jobs or

> > insurance, he always had money to help me out. Suddenly I'm his support. I

> > wish there was more I could do. When I was a kid I wished he would divorce

> > my mom and take me away from her, and now I wish I could take HIM away from

> > her, but he's not a kid, and it really seems like I can't do shit.

> >

> > Wow it looks like this email really has no point whatsoever, sorry about

> > that. I just know you all will understand my frustration. Maybe some of you

> > have experience with this?

> >

> >