Re: Friendships are so difficult for me.

[Guest guest]

Jen, good questions. I can't speak for the others here, but yes I do struggle

greatly with friendships. The only friendships I have really been able to

maintain (aside from dh and even his mom is pretty bp) are friendships with

other KO's. I was able to mostly meet them because our nada's were friends

growing up. I am comfortable because I can say as much or as little as I want

and I don't feel judged and they understand. But with people who live relatively

" normal " lives, I don't do well. Even people who have been attacked by my nada

understand to a degree, and I do okay in short term, but they just don't fully

understand well enough to develop anything meaningful.

As far as your second question, well…I may not be normal and I can only speak

for myself. Yes this group has helped me A TON. That said I still very often

find myself holding back in fear. But I am sure I am a freak. I always feel

paranoid that my mom will find out somehow even thought she would never admit

she is BPD. But I guess I have always been like that. For example there have

been so many times I have wanted to keep a journal or diary, I felt it would

help me, but after 1 page I end up erasing it and shredding it in fear my mom

would some how find it even years after I moved out and went NC I never really

felt safe from her. I guess I never feel 100% safe. But for me being here is

worth the risk because I feel so much help. LB

>

> Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

>

> The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

>

> Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> Thanks for letting me vent... jen

>

[Guest guest]

Jen, good questions. I can't speak for the others here, but yes I do struggle

greatly with friendships. The only friendships I have really been able to

maintain (aside from dh and even his mom is pretty bp) are friendships with

other KO's. I was able to mostly meet them because our nada's were friends

growing up. I am comfortable because I can say as much or as little as I want

and I don't feel judged and they understand. But with people who live relatively

" normal " lives, I don't do well. Even people who have been attacked by my nada

understand to a degree, and I do okay in short term, but they just don't fully

understand well enough to develop anything meaningful.

As far as your second question, well…I may not be normal and I can only speak

for myself. Yes this group has helped me A TON. That said I still very often

find myself holding back in fear. But I am sure I am a freak. I always feel

paranoid that my mom will find out somehow even thought she would never admit

she is BPD. But I guess I have always been like that. For example there have

been so many times I have wanted to keep a journal or diary, I felt it would

help me, but after 1 page I end up erasing it and shredding it in fear my mom

would some how find it even years after I moved out and went NC I never really

felt safe from her. I guess I never feel 100% safe. But for me being here is

worth the risk because I feel so much help. LB

>

> Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

>

> The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

>

> Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> Thanks for letting me vent... jen

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Jen-

I have a number of really good, really close mutually supportive friendships,

many of them had similar background to me, but some have perfectly happy

childhood yet are empathetic enough to understand what mine was like, too.

I have also had the experience you describe of feeling like a " freak " when

opening up to people who've had more normal lives.

I think the trick is to open up gradually to someone. It's not an all or nothing

event.

You tell a little bit, see how it goes over, see how trustworthy and empathetic

the other person is. Even if someone had a happy, normal childhood, if they are

a kind and thoughtful person they should " get it " .

For example, if someone asks " what did your dad do for a living? " you could

respond, truthfully, " I don't know, he left home when I was young. " If they ask

" do you miss him? " You could say something like, " Not really. Maybe someday when

we know each other better I'll tell you the story, but it's not a very happy

one. How about you, were you close to your dad? "

Turning the conversation back to the other person when uncomfortable seems to

work really well. Almost everyone loves to talk about themselves!

Remember that you are far, far more than the sad parts of your story. Talk about

your work, your interests, your happy relationship with your husband. (a true

friend will want to hear this, by the by. It should be a mostly even give and

take).

Then, once friends realize how normal and sane you are, when you start to reveal

more about your family, the reaction will be " Wow, Jen, it's amazing you had to

deal with all that and still came out so normal! How on earth did you manage it,

you must be really brave! "

Whereas if you go out for coffee for the first time with a potential friend and

lay all this stuff down on them, then they'll withdraw in a panic, overwhelmed

by too much, too soon.

Trust me, I learned this the hard way, from making that mistake myself too many

times!

The fact that you now know about BPD can also be helpful. When you've been with

a new friend a few dozen times, and it gets to the point where you feel more

comfortable opening up, you can tell them for example, " One thing I've been

dealing with lately is the realization that my mom wasn't just difficult, but

she actually has a mental illness. She has something called borderline

personality disorder. Have you ever heard of it?

If they seem willing to discuss it, you could go on to say, " It's actually been

sort of relief to learn about it, because I used to think her problems were

somehow my fault, or that she was the only person who behaved this way. But now

I know that's not true.

Then, depending on their response, you could explain how someone with BPD

behaves. You can also explain that it's genetic, but luckily you dodged that

bullet.

Anyway, I'm sure you're smart enough to figure out your own ways of dealing,

these are just some ways I've brought it up that have worked for me.

Good luck! You deserve to have good pals, and I am sure you'll find them.

Letty

> >

> > Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

> >

> > The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

> >

> > Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> > Thanks for letting me vent... jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Jen-

I have a number of really good, really close mutually supportive friendships,

many of them had similar background to me, but some have perfectly happy

childhood yet are empathetic enough to understand what mine was like, too.

I have also had the experience you describe of feeling like a " freak " when

opening up to people who've had more normal lives.

I think the trick is to open up gradually to someone. It's not an all or nothing

event.

You tell a little bit, see how it goes over, see how trustworthy and empathetic

the other person is. Even if someone had a happy, normal childhood, if they are

a kind and thoughtful person they should " get it " .

For example, if someone asks " what did your dad do for a living? " you could

respond, truthfully, " I don't know, he left home when I was young. " If they ask

" do you miss him? " You could say something like, " Not really. Maybe someday when

we know each other better I'll tell you the story, but it's not a very happy

one. How about you, were you close to your dad? "

Turning the conversation back to the other person when uncomfortable seems to

work really well. Almost everyone loves to talk about themselves!

Remember that you are far, far more than the sad parts of your story. Talk about

your work, your interests, your happy relationship with your husband. (a true

friend will want to hear this, by the by. It should be a mostly even give and

take).

Then, once friends realize how normal and sane you are, when you start to reveal

more about your family, the reaction will be " Wow, Jen, it's amazing you had to

deal with all that and still came out so normal! How on earth did you manage it,

you must be really brave! "

Whereas if you go out for coffee for the first time with a potential friend and

lay all this stuff down on them, then they'll withdraw in a panic, overwhelmed

by too much, too soon.

Trust me, I learned this the hard way, from making that mistake myself too many

times!

The fact that you now know about BPD can also be helpful. When you've been with

a new friend a few dozen times, and it gets to the point where you feel more

comfortable opening up, you can tell them for example, " One thing I've been

dealing with lately is the realization that my mom wasn't just difficult, but

she actually has a mental illness. She has something called borderline

personality disorder. Have you ever heard of it?

If they seem willing to discuss it, you could go on to say, " It's actually been

sort of relief to learn about it, because I used to think her problems were

somehow my fault, or that she was the only person who behaved this way. But now

I know that's not true.

Then, depending on their response, you could explain how someone with BPD

behaves. You can also explain that it's genetic, but luckily you dodged that

bullet.

Anyway, I'm sure you're smart enough to figure out your own ways of dealing,

these are just some ways I've brought it up that have worked for me.

Good luck! You deserve to have good pals, and I am sure you'll find them.

Letty

> >

> > Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

> >

> > The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

> >

> > Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> > Thanks for letting me vent... jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Jen-

I have a number of really good, really close mutually supportive friendships,

many of them had similar background to me, but some have perfectly happy

childhood yet are empathetic enough to understand what mine was like, too.

I have also had the experience you describe of feeling like a " freak " when

opening up to people who've had more normal lives.

I think the trick is to open up gradually to someone. It's not an all or nothing

event.

You tell a little bit, see how it goes over, see how trustworthy and empathetic

the other person is. Even if someone had a happy, normal childhood, if they are

a kind and thoughtful person they should " get it " .

For example, if someone asks " what did your dad do for a living? " you could

respond, truthfully, " I don't know, he left home when I was young. " If they ask

" do you miss him? " You could say something like, " Not really. Maybe someday when

we know each other better I'll tell you the story, but it's not a very happy

one. How about you, were you close to your dad? "

Turning the conversation back to the other person when uncomfortable seems to

work really well. Almost everyone loves to talk about themselves!

Remember that you are far, far more than the sad parts of your story. Talk about

your work, your interests, your happy relationship with your husband. (a true

friend will want to hear this, by the by. It should be a mostly even give and

take).

Then, once friends realize how normal and sane you are, when you start to reveal

more about your family, the reaction will be " Wow, Jen, it's amazing you had to

deal with all that and still came out so normal! How on earth did you manage it,

you must be really brave! "

Whereas if you go out for coffee for the first time with a potential friend and

lay all this stuff down on them, then they'll withdraw in a panic, overwhelmed

by too much, too soon.

Trust me, I learned this the hard way, from making that mistake myself too many

times!

The fact that you now know about BPD can also be helpful. When you've been with

a new friend a few dozen times, and it gets to the point where you feel more

comfortable opening up, you can tell them for example, " One thing I've been

dealing with lately is the realization that my mom wasn't just difficult, but

she actually has a mental illness. She has something called borderline

personality disorder. Have you ever heard of it?

If they seem willing to discuss it, you could go on to say, " It's actually been

sort of relief to learn about it, because I used to think her problems were

somehow my fault, or that she was the only person who behaved this way. But now

I know that's not true.

Then, depending on their response, you could explain how someone with BPD

behaves. You can also explain that it's genetic, but luckily you dodged that

bullet.

Anyway, I'm sure you're smart enough to figure out your own ways of dealing,

these are just some ways I've brought it up that have worked for me.

Good luck! You deserve to have good pals, and I am sure you'll find them.

Letty

> >

> > Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

> >

> > The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

> >

> > Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> > Thanks for letting me vent... jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jen, I've always felt fairly good about what I've posted here, but you will

rarely see me use the term " nada. " I really want to be able to feel free to use

it as so many here do, but this little guilt creeps in when I have used it. So

yeah, I have experienced that. But overall, I have to say that I am so grateful

to have found the stories here that I have that make me realize the crazy-making

was not me, but my mother. I agree with you that most people won't understand

or 'get' it. I think that's what makes places like this feel welcoming...we all

DO get it and you can say something if you want to or keep silent. There have

been times I have posted here many times in a day and times when I go a week and

don't post at all. I think it all depends on where you are and what you can

handle.

I do have trouble with friendships and it sucks majorly. I have a lot of

acquaintances, but when people get too close, I back away.

Friendships are so difficult for me.

Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had one

close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who talks

about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything about my

family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she never

asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for me

but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

Thanks for letting me vent... jen

[Guest guest]

Hi Jen, I've always felt fairly good about what I've posted here, but you will

rarely see me use the term " nada. " I really want to be able to feel free to use

it as so many here do, but this little guilt creeps in when I have used it. So

yeah, I have experienced that. But overall, I have to say that I am so grateful

to have found the stories here that I have that make me realize the crazy-making

was not me, but my mother. I agree with you that most people won't understand

or 'get' it. I think that's what makes places like this feel welcoming...we all

DO get it and you can say something if you want to or keep silent. There have

been times I have posted here many times in a day and times when I go a week and

don't post at all. I think it all depends on where you are and what you can

handle.

I do have trouble with friendships and it sucks majorly. I have a lot of

acquaintances, but when people get too close, I back away.

Friendships are so difficult for me.

Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had one

close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who talks

about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything about my

family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she never

asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for me

but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

Thanks for letting me vent... jen

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your response... as I was reading I was feeling so

validated! You talked about a journal and I just had to start laughing because

my therapist is constantly telling me to keep a journal and I keep telling her

that I cant cause it doesnt feel safe... I actually told her that I did indeed

write some things down and the anxiety over it sitting there just bothered me so

much I had to shred it the same day!! Thanks for talking with me...it sounds as

if I can really relate to you!! jen

> >

> > Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

> >

> > The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

> >

> > Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> > Thanks for letting me vent... jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your response... as I was reading I was feeling so

validated! You talked about a journal and I just had to start laughing because

my therapist is constantly telling me to keep a journal and I keep telling her

that I cant cause it doesnt feel safe... I actually told her that I did indeed

write some things down and the anxiety over it sitting there just bothered me so

much I had to shred it the same day!! Thanks for talking with me...it sounds as

if I can really relate to you!! jen

> >

> > Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

> >

> > The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

> >

> > Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> > Thanks for letting me vent... jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your response... as I was reading I was feeling so

validated! You talked about a journal and I just had to start laughing because

my therapist is constantly telling me to keep a journal and I keep telling her

that I cant cause it doesnt feel safe... I actually told her that I did indeed

write some things down and the anxiety over it sitting there just bothered me so

much I had to shred it the same day!! Thanks for talking with me...it sounds as

if I can really relate to you!! jen

> >

> > Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

> >

> > The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

> >

> > Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> > Thanks for letting me vent... jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jen, I am very similar. Back before I became aware of what was going on in my

FOO and had some life setbacks which tested my friendships I had a lot of

friends. But they were the type of friend you describe where I was mainly there

for them and they didn't ask too many questions about me - which suited me fine

as I felt such shame about both my parents and home. Little did I realize

though that the reason those friends asked so little wasn't consideration for

me, but out of their own basic narcissism. So when the shit hit the fan when I

was in my mid-twenties I discovered that I effectively had no friends. It was a

devastating discovery.

I'm still working on how to have friendships in a different way, but it is

strange and foreign territory. I really like Letty's advice to you and the

bits of dialog she shared - I may use that! And give yourself credit for

awareness and working on things. How can we change the patterns if we don't

know they are there?

>

> Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

>

> The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

>

> Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> Thanks for letting me vent... jen

>

[Guest guest]

Jen,

I've been thinking about friendships a lot since I just moved to a new city and

started at a new school. I was friends with everyone on a superficial level in

college, and only became very close with the girls I lived with (who are now

helping me through NC). Even though these girls have normal, great families,

they are very understanding people, especially since they have seen nada's

craziness for ten years now.

I've only been at grad school for a week, but I have two female friends and 10

guy friends and I don't intend on making any more girl friends. I think these

two girls are very solid and I have tentatively talked about nada with them (I

met them months ago), and they have been very understanding. Both of them have

actually worked in psychiatric wards so they can truly understand that BPD is

mental illness, and not just family dysfunction. The guys are just fun drinking

buddies who don't ask any questions and are easy to get along with.

I heard such an interesting quote today that helped me reconcile these two

totally different experiences: " If you trust everyone, that's the same as

trusting no one. "

I interpret that as, in both cases (trusting everyone and trusting no one), you

don't have to go through the selection process. Even if you have only one or two

friends, you have had to select them. The trust issue is actually with yourself-

I need to trust myself to find the proper people to trust.

I'm working on it and I'm definitely going very slowly with new friends. In the

meantime, my college friends are still supportive and are really helping me with

the transition.

[Guest guest]

there you are! good to see this post from you and hope things are going well.

>

> Jen,

> I've been thinking about friendships a lot since I just moved to a new city

and started at a new school. I was friends with everyone on a superficial level

in college, and only became very close with the girls I lived with (who are now

helping me through NC). Even though these girls have normal, great families,

they are very understanding people, especially since they have seen nada's

craziness for ten years now.

>

> I've only been at grad school for a week, but I have two female friends and 10

guy friends and I don't intend on making any more girl friends. I think these

two girls are very solid and I have tentatively talked about nada with them (I

met them months ago), and they have been very understanding. Both of them have

actually worked in psychiatric wards so they can truly understand that BPD is

mental illness, and not just family dysfunction. The guys are just fun drinking

buddies who don't ask any questions and are easy to get along with.

>

> I heard such an interesting quote today that helped me reconcile these two

totally different experiences: " If you trust everyone, that's the same as

trusting no one. "

>

> I interpret that as, in both cases (trusting everyone and trusting no one),

you don't have to go through the selection process. Even if you have only one or

two friends, you have had to select them. The trust issue is actually with

yourself- I need to trust myself to find the proper people to trust.

>

> I'm working on it and I'm definitely going very slowly with new friends. In

the meantime, my college friends are still supportive and are really helping me

with the transition.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

there you are! good to see this post from you and hope things are going well.

>

> Jen,

> I've been thinking about friendships a lot since I just moved to a new city

and started at a new school. I was friends with everyone on a superficial level

in college, and only became very close with the girls I lived with (who are now

helping me through NC). Even though these girls have normal, great families,

they are very understanding people, especially since they have seen nada's

craziness for ten years now.

>

> I've only been at grad school for a week, but I have two female friends and 10

guy friends and I don't intend on making any more girl friends. I think these

two girls are very solid and I have tentatively talked about nada with them (I

met them months ago), and they have been very understanding. Both of them have

actually worked in psychiatric wards so they can truly understand that BPD is

mental illness, and not just family dysfunction. The guys are just fun drinking

buddies who don't ask any questions and are easy to get along with.

>

> I heard such an interesting quote today that helped me reconcile these two

totally different experiences: " If you trust everyone, that's the same as

trusting no one. "

>

> I interpret that as, in both cases (trusting everyone and trusting no one),

you don't have to go through the selection process. Even if you have only one or

two friends, you have had to select them. The trust issue is actually with

yourself- I need to trust myself to find the proper people to trust.

>

> I'm working on it and I'm definitely going very slowly with new friends. In

the meantime, my college friends are still supportive and are really helping me

with the transition.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

there you are! good to see this post from you and hope things are going well.

>

> Jen,

> I've been thinking about friendships a lot since I just moved to a new city

and started at a new school. I was friends with everyone on a superficial level

in college, and only became very close with the girls I lived with (who are now

helping me through NC). Even though these girls have normal, great families,

they are very understanding people, especially since they have seen nada's

craziness for ten years now.

>

> I've only been at grad school for a week, but I have two female friends and 10

guy friends and I don't intend on making any more girl friends. I think these

two girls are very solid and I have tentatively talked about nada with them (I

met them months ago), and they have been very understanding. Both of them have

actually worked in psychiatric wards so they can truly understand that BPD is

mental illness, and not just family dysfunction. The guys are just fun drinking

buddies who don't ask any questions and are easy to get along with.

>

> I heard such an interesting quote today that helped me reconcile these two

totally different experiences: " If you trust everyone, that's the same as

trusting no one. "

>

> I interpret that as, in both cases (trusting everyone and trusting no one),

you don't have to go through the selection process. Even if you have only one or

two friends, you have had to select them. The trust issue is actually with

yourself- I need to trust myself to find the proper people to trust.

>

> I'm working on it and I'm definitely going very slowly with new friends. In

the meantime, my college friends are still supportive and are really helping me

with the transition.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your post totally hit a nerve with me. This is probably the most difficult area

in my life, friendships.

I really appreciate your courage in posting this. I know that sounds corny, but

you articulated what I've been afraid to say: I'm not good at making friends,

and I do feel like a freak when people start asking me too many questions. I

back off.

I have had few friends and, hey, I blame my mother. She was not a very

affectionate person, I felt like I was parenting HER many times. And she had

like 2 " friends. " People she talked to twice a year, that she would criticize

behind their backs. No close friendships. In fact, my father would frequently

say, " the only ones we can count on are each other. you can't count on friends. "

When my brother or I would make friends, they would make remarks about them.

When I'm around women that are really tight, I have felt so left out. This is

something I'm working on in therapy and am starting to learn to BE a friend.

That's definitely something I did not see modeled as a child. Both my parents

expected other people to do all the work in a relationship.

I did feel great guilt and FEAR when I started posting here, like I was doing

something shameful and bad. " It wasn't really all that bad, was it? They loved

me and did the best they could... " I think that's something children from any

abusive background must feel...like they're " betraying " their parents by

admitting that the good old days really weren't so good. This board has been

such a support to me, ESP because, as you said so well, trying to explain my

background to others just gets me weird looks and misunderstandings. And left me

feeling like an alien of some sort.

This happened to me yesterday, someone asked me how it was going with my mother.

She's aware of my difficulties with my mother and she said it laughing, like

it's funny to her. I just kept it brief. You just can't explain to most people.

They won't get it. Her classic response is, " But she's your mOther! " Sigh.

Jen, something I've done to stretch myself in the area of friendships is join a

small group at my church, to force myself to tolerate being around the small

talk conversations, the process of getting to know people. And this has helped

me practice setting my boundaries, discussing what I feel safe discussing, etc.

Maybe you could find a book club, something where you're not just one on one

with someone but more in a group and can still feel heard? Or join a therapeutic

group? I dunno. But it's got to be something where you feel comfortable and

safe. When I say I " forced " myself to join the group, it was a group where I

felt emotionally safe, just wanted to clarify that.

Thanks for posting about this.

Fiona

>

> Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

>

> The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

>

> Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> Thanks for letting me vent... jen

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your post totally hit a nerve with me. This is probably the most difficult area

in my life, friendships.

I really appreciate your courage in posting this. I know that sounds corny, but

you articulated what I've been afraid to say: I'm not good at making friends,

and I do feel like a freak when people start asking me too many questions. I

back off.

I have had few friends and, hey, I blame my mother. She was not a very

affectionate person, I felt like I was parenting HER many times. And she had

like 2 " friends. " People she talked to twice a year, that she would criticize

behind their backs. No close friendships. In fact, my father would frequently

say, " the only ones we can count on are each other. you can't count on friends. "

When my brother or I would make friends, they would make remarks about them.

When I'm around women that are really tight, I have felt so left out. This is

something I'm working on in therapy and am starting to learn to BE a friend.

That's definitely something I did not see modeled as a child. Both my parents

expected other people to do all the work in a relationship.

I did feel great guilt and FEAR when I started posting here, like I was doing

something shameful and bad. " It wasn't really all that bad, was it? They loved

me and did the best they could... " I think that's something children from any

abusive background must feel...like they're " betraying " their parents by

admitting that the good old days really weren't so good. This board has been

such a support to me, ESP because, as you said so well, trying to explain my

background to others just gets me weird looks and misunderstandings. And left me

feeling like an alien of some sort.

This happened to me yesterday, someone asked me how it was going with my mother.

She's aware of my difficulties with my mother and she said it laughing, like

it's funny to her. I just kept it brief. You just can't explain to most people.

They won't get it. Her classic response is, " But she's your mOther! " Sigh.

Jen, something I've done to stretch myself in the area of friendships is join a

small group at my church, to force myself to tolerate being around the small

talk conversations, the process of getting to know people. And this has helped

me practice setting my boundaries, discussing what I feel safe discussing, etc.

Maybe you could find a book club, something where you're not just one on one

with someone but more in a group and can still feel heard? Or join a therapeutic

group? I dunno. But it's got to be something where you feel comfortable and

safe. When I say I " forced " myself to join the group, it was a group where I

felt emotionally safe, just wanted to clarify that.

Thanks for posting about this.

Fiona

>

> Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever had

one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in friendships

once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an introvert anyway

but when potential friends start asking about my family of origin I cant say

anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left when I was 12)...

I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont feel as if you can

properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew up in a home with

stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " .... If I open up I feel

like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

>

> The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who

talks about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything

about my family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she

never asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for

me but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

>

> Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

> Thanks for letting me vent... jen

>

[Guest guest]

yes i agree friendships can be difficult and i think a very important part of

our recoveries.. i also have found more luck talking with people who have

'problem' foo's like those in acoa and other 12-step groups.. they do 'get it'

much easier than others.. and like the people on this board they can empathize

and understand.. revealing things about myself were very scary at first too, as

the message from my foo was 'stranger danger' (how ironic when it was family

that harmed me, not my friends who once were 'strangers' and outside the foo

(thank goodness).. practice and a bit of caution at first will help as you go

along i think.good luck, good friendships can be incredibly rewarding.ann

Subject: Friendships are so difficult for me.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, August 25, 2010, 8:44 AM

 

Do any of you really struggle with friendships? I have only really ever

had one close friend (besides my husband). The thing is, I dont stick in

friendships once they begin asking personal questions about me... I am an

introvert anyway but when potential friends start asking about my family of

origin I cant say anything... My mom has BP and my dad was a pedophile (he left

when I was 12)... I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and firstly, I dont

feel as if you can properly describe a childhood like mine to someone who grew

up in a home with stable parents. They dont understand, they dont " get it " ....

If I open up I feel like a " freak " ... and I feel misunderstood or minimized.

The problem is that this leaves me with my one close friend of 8 years who talks

about herself constantly and I never have to say a word or say anything about my

family. She knows the basics but never asks about me personally... she never

asks how my therapy is going...etc... this is a very " safe " friendship for me

but I am left feeling lonely, and often get irritated because I get tired of

hearing about the " horrible stress " of her PTO position...etc... I try to be

empathetic and understanding but those types of stresses, in my opinion, just

dont compare with the stresses that adult children of BP's deal with every

single day. (The rejection, the guilt, the abuse that occers daily for me from

my mom)

Another question.... I am fairly new to this and I see that many of you talk

about the benefit you have received from having this group and I wondered if it

was really scary and felt " wrong " to you when you first started letting it all

out for others to read? Other than my therapist and my husband I keep it all in

and it feels so incredibly scary and vulnerable to write something like this...

I feel like I will be punished... Does anyone relate and understand?

Thanks for letting me vent... jen

[Guest guest]

" Their reaction is: it couldn't possibly have been THAT bad therefore you are

either exaggerating or lying. I am hurt and infuriated by this reaction. "

THIS. I still don't get it - what the hell is wrong with people? Why is this

level of insensitivity and lack of empathy the norm in our society? It is

something that infuriates me too and encourages my own tendency to not even want

to try. Do people really have to have had the same experiences to understand or

at least respect the experience of another?

>

> Dear , , and others:

>

> I have the same issues. I was taught very poor social skills at home. I was

a strange child that didn't fit in to any of the social groups at school and in

the neighborhood. I am still very shy and I have great difficulty making

friends.

>

> I won't talk about my childhood anymore with anyone other than my therapists

and this group, because normal people just don't believe me. Their reaction is:

it couldn't possibly have been THAT bad therefore you are either exaggerating or

lying. I am hurt and infuriated by this reaction.

>

> My point, I guess, is that you are not alone in having these feelings.

>

[Guest guest]

> " Their reaction is: it couldn't possibly have been THAT bad therefore you are

either exaggerating or lying. I am hurt and infuriated by this reaction. "

YES!! I hate this reaction... 50/50 chance.

-Kali

> >

> > Dear , , and others:

> >

> > I have the same issues. I was taught very poor social skills at home. I

was a strange child that didn't fit in to any of the social groups at school and

in the neighborhood. I am still very shy and I have great difficulty making

friends.

> >

> > I won't talk about my childhood anymore with anyone other than my therapists

and this group, because normal people just don't believe me. Their reaction is:

it couldn't possibly have been THAT bad therefore you are either exaggerating or

lying. I am hurt and infuriated by this reaction.

> >

> > My point, I guess, is that you are not alone in having these feelings.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think perhaps its that ordinary, everyday, casual interactions with others we

come into contact with at work or at school or while running errands or working

out at the gym or at a party are not usually about sharing deep, gut-wrenching

personal tragedy.

If a group of casual friends or acquaintances are discussing, for example, how

aggravating their teenagers are behaving lately, it would cause a sudden

uncomfortable silence if one of the individuals were to comment, " My child tried

to kill herself again last night; she has borderline personality disorder. " It

puts the listeners at a loss; all they can really do is offer condolences, and

then they'll probably change the subject or suddenly have something they need to

be doing somewhere else.

The real tragedies of life (terminal illnesses, mental illness, addictions,

being raped, being the victim of incest or parental abuse, spousal abuse,

infidelity or sexual dysfunction, being in financial distress, etc) are usually

discussed only with close, personal friends or with a support group of fellow

sufferers or a therapist.

Maybe it is a flaw in our society or culture, but I've noticed it to be true;

only light or superficial or humorous aggravations are shared in casual

conversations. Anything more is uncomfortable to others.

Sharing something deeply personal and tragic or shaming is an act of intimacy,

and we usually save intimacy for private moments with certain trusted

individuals, I suppose. (Or, we share it safely and privately under a shield of

anonymity at a Group like this.)

-Annie

> > >

> > > Dear , , and others:

> > >

> > > I have the same issues. I was taught very poor social skills at home. I

was a strange child that didn't fit in to any of the social groups at school and

in the neighborhood. I am still very shy and I have great difficulty making

friends.

> > >

> > > I won't talk about my childhood anymore with anyone other than my

therapists and this group, because normal people just don't believe me. Their

reaction is: it couldn't possibly have been THAT bad therefore you are either

exaggerating or lying. I am hurt and infuriated by this reaction.

> > >

> > > My point, I guess, is that you are not alone in having these feelings.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

congrats!  this is great, you made some time for yourselves..

Subject: Re: Friendships are so difficult for me.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, September 5, 2010, 8:19 PM

 

Friends, thanks for your thoughts and replies on this thread. I haven't

been home to see it because WE JUST GOT A WHOLE WEEK OFF AND SPENT IT AT THE

BEACH!!!

It was great!! I was sad to come home.

--.