Re: Re: foster child with BPD Mom - how to help, not overwhelm her?

[Guest guest]

Lettydale - YOU ROCK!!!! Thank God for you, I think you are doing great -

perfect, in fact. Better than I ever could. sounds like a doll. And

she is so lucky to be with you at such a vulnerable time in her life - I

don't know about you guys, but it seemed that between age 10 and 15 was when

the worst damage was done to me. Because that's when I started to define my

own identity.

Well you rock!!! The only other thing is if you have a good therapist, you

might seek one on one appointments to talk through parenting issues.

How typical of a BPD to have a child call and tell another child she is bad.

Been there. Wow!!!! Well, you rock. Rock on!!!!

PS remind me, do you have airedale terriers? I did too!

On Wed, Aug 25, 2010 at 12:10 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> (((((((lettydale))))))))

> How wonderful! I don't have any advice for you, but I have to say that I

> think that what you're doing for this little girl is just totally,

> over-the-top awesome. Your own background makes you an ideal candidate to be

> a foster mom for a young girl who has been raised by a bpd mother. I think

> your instincts RE how to handle

> the relationship are very on-target, insightful and compassionate; you

> understand about being a guide to her without making her too aware of why

> you're so attuned to her issues. In my opinion, you are demonstrating the

> very definition of the concept of " empathy. " This little girl is so lucky to

> have found her way into your care, and you sound very happy to have found

> her, too. That just makes me tear up with happiness. I think much joy will

> be yours and your husband's, and this child's, and that its manifesting

> already. Wow!

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello All-

> >

> > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> experience with a child.

> >

> > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> years " .

> >

> > I'll call her .

> >

> > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in

> is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> pretty awful.

> >

> > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> >

> > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> >

> > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> players are eerily similar to my own.

> >

> > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> >

> > I want to help and love this kid without:

> >

> > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> >

> > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

> about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> another to worry about.

> >

> > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> >

> > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> changed to BPD).

> >

> > Any advice anyone can offer?

> >

> > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> you?

> >

> > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> >

> > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> support that decision!

> >

> > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> decide to re-connect with her mom.

> >

> > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> >

> > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit,

> and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

> pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being

> " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> >

> > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> >

> > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> >

> > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy

> and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets

> to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> >

> > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> >

> > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> car!

> >

> > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> >

> > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> overly influence, dear little confused ?

> >

> > Letty

> >

> > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so

> happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands

> and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lettydale - YOU ROCK!!!! Thank God for you, I think you are doing great -

perfect, in fact. Better than I ever could. sounds like a doll. And

she is so lucky to be with you at such a vulnerable time in her life - I

don't know about you guys, but it seemed that between age 10 and 15 was when

the worst damage was done to me. Because that's when I started to define my

own identity.

Well you rock!!! The only other thing is if you have a good therapist, you

might seek one on one appointments to talk through parenting issues.

How typical of a BPD to have a child call and tell another child she is bad.

Been there. Wow!!!! Well, you rock. Rock on!!!!

PS remind me, do you have airedale terriers? I did too!

On Wed, Aug 25, 2010 at 12:10 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> (((((((lettydale))))))))

> How wonderful! I don't have any advice for you, but I have to say that I

> think that what you're doing for this little girl is just totally,

> over-the-top awesome. Your own background makes you an ideal candidate to be

> a foster mom for a young girl who has been raised by a bpd mother. I think

> your instincts RE how to handle

> the relationship are very on-target, insightful and compassionate; you

> understand about being a guide to her without making her too aware of why

> you're so attuned to her issues. In my opinion, you are demonstrating the

> very definition of the concept of " empathy. " This little girl is so lucky to

> have found her way into your care, and you sound very happy to have found

> her, too. That just makes me tear up with happiness. I think much joy will

> be yours and your husband's, and this child's, and that its manifesting

> already. Wow!

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello All-

> >

> > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> experience with a child.

> >

> > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> years " .

> >

> > I'll call her .

> >

> > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in

> is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> pretty awful.

> >

> > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> >

> > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> >

> > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> players are eerily similar to my own.

> >

> > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> >

> > I want to help and love this kid without:

> >

> > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> >

> > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

> about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> another to worry about.

> >

> > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> >

> > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> changed to BPD).

> >

> > Any advice anyone can offer?

> >

> > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> you?

> >

> > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> >

> > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> support that decision!

> >

> > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> decide to re-connect with her mom.

> >

> > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> >

> > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit,

> and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

> pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being

> " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> >

> > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> >

> > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> >

> > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy

> and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets

> to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> >

> > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> >

> > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> car!

> >

> > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> >

> > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> overly influence, dear little confused ?

> >

> > Letty

> >

> > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so

> happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands

> and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, is this not eating for hours and hours a KO thing? I do that. I drink

water, but I can go 12- 14 hours, or even longer, way longer, without food

on any day of the week, no biggie. It bugs people that I don't get hungry in

the middle of the day. I've been that way since at least 6th grade. I never

realized it might be a KO thing, thought it was just my metabolism or

constant dieting.

>

>

> Hello All-

>

> Wow, thanks for all the praise, but I hardly feel like I deserve it. We

> feel really lucky to have such a wonderful kid in our lives, there is no

> virtue in taking care of someone as sweet, wise, kind and deserving as

> . I feel like a treasure just got dropped into our laps.

>

> Seriously, if she was our age I'd feel honored to have her as a friend.

>

> Good thought about re-reading the BPD books I have. I'll dust them off and

> re-peruse them.

>

> But I'll have to resist the temptation to give her one - way too premature

> and intense.

>

> As it is, she can talk about this stuff only for a few minutes before she's

> overwhelmed and wants to distract herself with a funny youtube video or

> something.

>

> It's really interesting to see how she is changing in the few short weeks

> she lived with us.

>

> She used to speak with pride about her ability to go hours and hours

> without eating or drinking. It seemed like a pretty positive spin to put on

> the fact she'd been left home without food for days as a kid.

>

> So we didn't challenge it, but gently insisted on regular meals. I'd get

> her a drink of water when I had one, encourage her to eat a snack at least

> if she couldn't handle a meal.

>

> She laughed at me at first, and then suddenly became RAVENOUS. She's eating

> 4 meals a day now! I'll make a big pot of something, thinking to have

> leftovers, and she'll polish it all off. We've bought special snacks for her

> to keep in her purse. I imagine this will even out, but it's interesting to

> watch.

>

> Sleeping, too, has changed. She couldn't sleep through the night when she

> first got here, now she's sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. She likes to

> sleep with her door open, so she can hear us walking around.

>

> She's also started to do this sweet but sort of heart-breaking thing of

> pretending to be a baby, crawling into my arms or onto my lap and sucking

> her thumb.

>

> We learned in foster care training this is pretty common, that abused and

> neglected kids often try to re-cap the safe childhood they missed. Some even

> make themselves cradles, or suck on baby bottles, or insist on wearing

> (pretend) diapers over their clothes. At age 16 or so.

>

> Makes me think about what we all lacked as kids, and how much we all need

> to feel the stages of a normal childhood in the proper order.

>

> Anyhow, thanks for all the support and it's nice to know I can come back

> here to people who understand this stuff.

>

> Letty

>

> P.S. Nope, no Airedales, but they are lovely dogs.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> experience with a child.

> > >

> > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> years " .

> > >

> > > I'll call her .

> > >

> > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister

> in is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> pretty awful.

> > >

> > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > >

> > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > >

> > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> players are eerily similar to my own.

> > >

> > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > >

> > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > >

> > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > >

> > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at

> all about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> another to worry about.

> > >

> > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > >

> > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> changed to BPD).

> > >

> > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > >

> > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> you?

> > >

> > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > >

> > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> support that decision!

> > >

> > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> decide to re-connect with her mom.

> > >

> > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > >

> > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a

> visit, and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call,

> but she pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was

> being " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> > >

> > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > >

> > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > >

> > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be

> happy and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who

> gets to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > >

> > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> > >

> > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> car!

> > >

> > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > >

> > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was

> so happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our

> hands and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, is this not eating for hours and hours a KO thing? I do that. I drink

water, but I can go 12- 14 hours, or even longer, way longer, without food

on any day of the week, no biggie. It bugs people that I don't get hungry in

the middle of the day. I've been that way since at least 6th grade. I never

realized it might be a KO thing, thought it was just my metabolism or

constant dieting.

>

>

> Hello All-

>

> Wow, thanks for all the praise, but I hardly feel like I deserve it. We

> feel really lucky to have such a wonderful kid in our lives, there is no

> virtue in taking care of someone as sweet, wise, kind and deserving as

> . I feel like a treasure just got dropped into our laps.

>

> Seriously, if she was our age I'd feel honored to have her as a friend.

>

> Good thought about re-reading the BPD books I have. I'll dust them off and

> re-peruse them.

>

> But I'll have to resist the temptation to give her one - way too premature

> and intense.

>

> As it is, she can talk about this stuff only for a few minutes before she's

> overwhelmed and wants to distract herself with a funny youtube video or

> something.

>

> It's really interesting to see how she is changing in the few short weeks

> she lived with us.

>

> She used to speak with pride about her ability to go hours and hours

> without eating or drinking. It seemed like a pretty positive spin to put on

> the fact she'd been left home without food for days as a kid.

>

> So we didn't challenge it, but gently insisted on regular meals. I'd get

> her a drink of water when I had one, encourage her to eat a snack at least

> if she couldn't handle a meal.

>

> She laughed at me at first, and then suddenly became RAVENOUS. She's eating

> 4 meals a day now! I'll make a big pot of something, thinking to have

> leftovers, and she'll polish it all off. We've bought special snacks for her

> to keep in her purse. I imagine this will even out, but it's interesting to

> watch.

>

> Sleeping, too, has changed. She couldn't sleep through the night when she

> first got here, now she's sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. She likes to

> sleep with her door open, so she can hear us walking around.

>

> She's also started to do this sweet but sort of heart-breaking thing of

> pretending to be a baby, crawling into my arms or onto my lap and sucking

> her thumb.

>

> We learned in foster care training this is pretty common, that abused and

> neglected kids often try to re-cap the safe childhood they missed. Some even

> make themselves cradles, or suck on baby bottles, or insist on wearing

> (pretend) diapers over their clothes. At age 16 or so.

>

> Makes me think about what we all lacked as kids, and how much we all need

> to feel the stages of a normal childhood in the proper order.

>

> Anyhow, thanks for all the support and it's nice to know I can come back

> here to people who understand this stuff.

>

> Letty

>

> P.S. Nope, no Airedales, but they are lovely dogs.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> experience with a child.

> > >

> > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> years " .

> > >

> > > I'll call her .

> > >

> > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister

> in is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> pretty awful.

> > >

> > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > >

> > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > >

> > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> players are eerily similar to my own.

> > >

> > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > >

> > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > >

> > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > >

> > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at

> all about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> another to worry about.

> > >

> > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > >

> > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> changed to BPD).

> > >

> > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > >

> > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> you?

> > >

> > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > >

> > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> support that decision!

> > >

> > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> decide to re-connect with her mom.

> > >

> > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > >

> > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a

> visit, and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call,

> but she pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was

> being " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> > >

> > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > >

> > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > >

> > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be

> happy and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who

> gets to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > >

> > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> > >

> > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> car!

> > >

> > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > >

> > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was

> so happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our

> hands and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, is this not eating for hours and hours a KO thing? I do that. I drink

water, but I can go 12- 14 hours, or even longer, way longer, without food

on any day of the week, no biggie. It bugs people that I don't get hungry in

the middle of the day. I've been that way since at least 6th grade. I never

realized it might be a KO thing, thought it was just my metabolism or

constant dieting.

>

>

> Hello All-

>

> Wow, thanks for all the praise, but I hardly feel like I deserve it. We

> feel really lucky to have such a wonderful kid in our lives, there is no

> virtue in taking care of someone as sweet, wise, kind and deserving as

> . I feel like a treasure just got dropped into our laps.

>

> Seriously, if she was our age I'd feel honored to have her as a friend.

>

> Good thought about re-reading the BPD books I have. I'll dust them off and

> re-peruse them.

>

> But I'll have to resist the temptation to give her one - way too premature

> and intense.

>

> As it is, she can talk about this stuff only for a few minutes before she's

> overwhelmed and wants to distract herself with a funny youtube video or

> something.

>

> It's really interesting to see how she is changing in the few short weeks

> she lived with us.

>

> She used to speak with pride about her ability to go hours and hours

> without eating or drinking. It seemed like a pretty positive spin to put on

> the fact she'd been left home without food for days as a kid.

>

> So we didn't challenge it, but gently insisted on regular meals. I'd get

> her a drink of water when I had one, encourage her to eat a snack at least

> if she couldn't handle a meal.

>

> She laughed at me at first, and then suddenly became RAVENOUS. She's eating

> 4 meals a day now! I'll make a big pot of something, thinking to have

> leftovers, and she'll polish it all off. We've bought special snacks for her

> to keep in her purse. I imagine this will even out, but it's interesting to

> watch.

>

> Sleeping, too, has changed. She couldn't sleep through the night when she

> first got here, now she's sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. She likes to

> sleep with her door open, so she can hear us walking around.

>

> She's also started to do this sweet but sort of heart-breaking thing of

> pretending to be a baby, crawling into my arms or onto my lap and sucking

> her thumb.

>

> We learned in foster care training this is pretty common, that abused and

> neglected kids often try to re-cap the safe childhood they missed. Some even

> make themselves cradles, or suck on baby bottles, or insist on wearing

> (pretend) diapers over their clothes. At age 16 or so.

>

> Makes me think about what we all lacked as kids, and how much we all need

> to feel the stages of a normal childhood in the proper order.

>

> Anyhow, thanks for all the support and it's nice to know I can come back

> here to people who understand this stuff.

>

> Letty

>

> P.S. Nope, no Airedales, but they are lovely dogs.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> experience with a child.

> > >

> > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> years " .

> > >

> > > I'll call her .

> > >

> > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister

> in is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> pretty awful.

> > >

> > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > >

> > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > >

> > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> players are eerily similar to my own.

> > >

> > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > >

> > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > >

> > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > >

> > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at

> all about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> another to worry about.

> > >

> > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > >

> > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> changed to BPD).

> > >

> > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > >

> > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> you?

> > >

> > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > >

> > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> support that decision!

> > >

> > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> decide to re-connect with her mom.

> > >

> > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > >

> > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a

> visit, and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call,

> but she pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was

> being " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> > >

> > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > >

> > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > >

> > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be

> happy and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who

> gets to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > >

> > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> > >

> > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> car!

> > >

> > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > >

> > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was

> so happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our

> hands and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > >

> >

>

>

>