Re: foster child with BPD Mom - how to help, not overwhelm her?

[Guest guest]

(((((((lettydale))))))))

How wonderful! I don't have any advice for you, but I have to say that I think

that what you're doing for this little girl is just totally, over-the-top

awesome. Your own background makes you an ideal candidate to be a foster mom

for a young girl who has been raised by a bpd mother. I think your instincts RE

how to handle

the relationship are very on-target, insightful and compassionate; you

understand about being a guide to her without making her too aware of why you're

so attuned to her issues. In my opinion, you are demonstrating the very

definition of the concept of " empathy. " This little girl is so lucky to have

found her way into your care, and you sound very happy to have found her, too.

That just makes me tear up with happiness. I think much joy will be yours and

your husband's, and this child's, and that its manifesting already. Wow!

-Annie

>

> Hello All-

>

> You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

>

> Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster child

join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems eager

to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to adopt

her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents " and

saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

>

> I'll call her .

>

> It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in is

denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

>

> Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

>

> I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD) and

brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

>

> But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family players

are eerily similar to my own.

>

> Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

>

> I want to help and love this kid without:

>

> 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two separate

people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries, she needs

breathing room for God's sake, etc).

>

> 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp.

as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to

worry about.

>

> She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket

and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about

MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

>

> 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for

that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental

illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to

BPD).

>

> Any advice anyone can offer?

>

> Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you not

overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries clear,

even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

>

> Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the grandparents,

but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how much contact

she has with her BPD mom.

>

> Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to support

that decision!

>

> But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide to

re-connect with her mom.

>

> Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this mother,

either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to a court

decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with her and

support whatever she decides to do.

>

> Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit, and

keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

>

> , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

>

> I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being selfish? " I

responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do something

that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

>

> So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy and

safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to decide

when she sees her mom is herself.

>

> I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she wants to

see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings, if she

doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep my

voice level and neutral.

>

> Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the car!

>

> So clearly, this is getting to me.

>

> How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and overly

influence, dear little confused ?

>

> Letty

>

> P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so happy

to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.

>

[Guest guest]

Hello All-

Wow, thanks for all the praise, but I hardly feel like I deserve it. We feel

really lucky to have such a wonderful kid in our lives, there is no virtue in

taking care of someone as sweet, wise, kind and deserving as . I feel like

a treasure just got dropped into our laps.

Seriously, if she was our age I'd feel honored to have her as a friend.

Good thought about re-reading the BPD books I have. I'll dust them off and

re-peruse them.

But I'll have to resist the temptation to give her one - way too premature and

intense.

As it is, she can talk about this stuff only for a few minutes before she's

overwhelmed and wants to distract herself with a funny youtube video or

something.

It's really interesting to see how she is changing in the few short weeks she

lived with us.

She used to speak with pride about her ability to go hours and hours without

eating or drinking. It seemed like a pretty positive spin to put on the fact

she'd been left home without food for days as a kid.

So we didn't challenge it, but gently insisted on regular meals. I'd get her a

drink of water when I had one, encourage her to eat a snack at least if she

couldn't handle a meal.

She laughed at me at first, and then suddenly became RAVENOUS. She's eating 4

meals a day now! I'll make a big pot of something, thinking to have leftovers,

and she'll polish it all off. We've bought special snacks for her to keep in her

purse. I imagine this will even out, but it's interesting to watch.

Sleeping, too, has changed. She couldn't sleep through the night when she first

got here, now she's sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. She likes to sleep with her

door open, so she can hear us walking around.

She's also started to do this sweet but sort of heart-breaking thing of

pretending to be a baby, crawling into my arms or onto my lap and sucking her

thumb.

We learned in foster care training this is pretty common, that abused and

neglected kids often try to re-cap the safe childhood they missed. Some even

make themselves cradles, or suck on baby bottles, or insist on wearing (pretend)

diapers over their clothes. At age 16 or so.

Makes me think about what we all lacked as kids, and how much we all need to

feel the stages of a normal childhood in the proper order.

Anyhow, thanks for all the support and it's nice to know I can come back here to

people who understand this stuff.

Letty

P.S. Nope, no Airedales, but they are lovely dogs.

> >

> > Hello All-

> >

> > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

> >

> > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems

eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to

adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents "

and saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

> >

> > I'll call her .

> >

> > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in is

denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

> >

> > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> >

> > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD) and

brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> >

> > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

players are eerily similar to my own.

> >

> > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> >

> > I want to help and love this kid without:

> >

> > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries,

she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> >

> > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp.

as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to

worry about.

> >

> > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket

and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about

MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> >

> > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for

that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental

illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to

BPD).

> >

> > Any advice anyone can offer?

> >

> > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you

not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries

clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

> >

> > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the grandparents,

but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how much contact

she has with her BPD mom.

> >

> > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to support

that decision!

> >

> > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide

to re-connect with her mom.

> >

> > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this mother,

either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to a court

decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with her and

support whatever she decides to do.

> >

> > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit, and

keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

> >

> > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> >

> > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being selfish? "

I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do something

that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> >

> > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy

and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to

decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> >

> > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she wants

to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings, if

she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep my

voice level and neutral.

> >

> > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the car!

> >

> > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> >

> > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

overly influence, dear little confused ?

> >

> > Letty

> >

> > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so

happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout_

Eat regular meals! Healthy food! Restore those tissues!

Sorry, that's just the kind of texts I've been sending her every meal-time,

which crack her up.

12 hours does seem excessive. Especially because skipping meals makes your body

think it's being starved, so when you do eat your body says, " hey, better turn

some of this into fat 'cause God knows when the next meal is coming along " .

Have you tried eating 4-5 tiny meals a day to see what happens? Supposedly

that's the best plan of all. Or three squares and two snacks.

She just polished off a plate of noodles, huge salad, and cookies. Already

thinking about dinner....

Letty

> > > >

> > > > Hello All-

> > > >

> > > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> > your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> > experience with a child.

> > > >

> > > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> > child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> > seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> > would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> > calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> > years " .

> > > >

> > > > I'll call her .

> > > >

> > > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister

> > in is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> > pretty awful.

> > > >

> > > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> > understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > > >

> > > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> > and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > > >

> > > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> > players are eerily similar to my own.

> > > >

> > > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > > >

> > > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > > >

> > > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> > separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> > boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > > >

> > > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at

> > all about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> > esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> > another to worry about.

> > > >

> > > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> > husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> > take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> > basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> > on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > > >

> > > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> > for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> > mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> > changed to BPD).

> > > >

> > > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > > >

> > > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> > you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> > boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> > you?

> > > >

> > > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> > grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> > how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > > >

> > > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> > support that decision!

> > > >

> > > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> > decide to re-connect with her mom.

> > > >

> > > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> > mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> > to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> > with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > > >

> > > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a

> > visit, and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call,

> > but she pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was

> > being " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> > > >

> > > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > > >

> > > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> > selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> > do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > > >

> > > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be

> > happy and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who

> > gets to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > > >

> > > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> > wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> > feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> > my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> > > >

> > > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> > car!

> > > >

> > > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > > >

> > > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> > overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > > >

> > > > Letty

> > > >

> > > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was

> > so happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our

> > hands and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout_

Eat regular meals! Healthy food! Restore those tissues!

Sorry, that's just the kind of texts I've been sending her every meal-time,

which crack her up.

12 hours does seem excessive. Especially because skipping meals makes your body

think it's being starved, so when you do eat your body says, " hey, better turn

some of this into fat 'cause God knows when the next meal is coming along " .

Have you tried eating 4-5 tiny meals a day to see what happens? Supposedly

that's the best plan of all. Or three squares and two snacks.

She just polished off a plate of noodles, huge salad, and cookies. Already

thinking about dinner....

Letty

> > > >

> > > > Hello All-

> > > >

> > > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save

> > your little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

> > experience with a child.

> > > >

> > > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

> > child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She

> > seems eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We

> > would love to adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started

> > calling us her " parents " and saying she wants to live with us " for years and

> > years " .

> > > >

> > > > I'll call her .

> > > >

> > > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister

> > in is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was

> > pretty awful.

> > > >

> > > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

> > understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > > >

> > > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

> > and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > > >

> > > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

> > players are eerily similar to my own.

> > > >

> > > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > > >

> > > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > > >

> > > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

> > separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no

> > boundaries, she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > > >

> > > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at

> > all about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me,

> > esp. as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs

> > another to worry about.

> > > >

> > > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

> > husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

> > take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry

> > basket and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip

> > on her about MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > > >

> > > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early

> > for that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a

> > mental illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it

> > changed to BPD).

> > > >

> > > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > > >

> > > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do

> > you not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those

> > boundaries clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to

> > you?

> > > >

> > > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

> > grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls

> > how much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > > >

> > > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

> > support that decision!

> > > >

> > > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does

> > decide to re-connect with her mom.

> > > >

> > > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

> > mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due

> > to a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family

> > with her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > > >

> > > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a

> > visit, and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call,

> > but she pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was

> > being " selfish " and " a bad daughter " .

> > > >

> > > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > > >

> > > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

> > selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to

> > do something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > > >

> > > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be

> > happy and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who

> > gets to decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > > >

> > > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

> > wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's

> > feelings, if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried

> > my best to keep my voice level and neutral.

> > > >

> > > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

> > car!

> > > >

> > > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > > >

> > > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

> > overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > > >

> > > > Letty

> > > >

> > > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was

> > so happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our

> > hands and SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Just had to say Letty, wow this is awesome. You ARE a miracle for that child -

it's wonderful to know sometimes somewhere somebody gets lifted out of a

childhood hell to a better place with loving people where they can heal.

Awesome!

Another

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

> > >

> > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems

eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to

adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents "

and saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

> > >

> > > I'll call her .

> > >

> > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in

is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

> > >

> > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > >

> > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > >

> > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

players are eerily similar to my own.

> > >

> > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > >

> > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > >

> > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries,

she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > >

> > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp.

as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to

worry about.

> > >

> > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket

and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about

MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > >

> > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for

that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental

illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to

BPD).

> > >

> > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > >

> > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you

not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries

clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

> > >

> > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how

much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > >

> > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

support that decision!

> > >

> > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide

to re-connect with her mom.

> > >

> > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to

a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with

her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > >

> > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit,

and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

> > >

> > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > >

> > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do

something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > >

> > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy

and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to

decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > >

> > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings,

if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep

my voice level and neutral.

> > >

> > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

car!

> > >

> > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > >

> > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so

happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just had to say Letty, wow this is awesome. You ARE a miracle for that child -

it's wonderful to know sometimes somewhere somebody gets lifted out of a

childhood hell to a better place with loving people where they can heal.

Awesome!

Another

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

> > >

> > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems

eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to

adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents "

and saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

> > >

> > > I'll call her .

> > >

> > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in

is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

> > >

> > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > >

> > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > >

> > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

players are eerily similar to my own.

> > >

> > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > >

> > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > >

> > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries,

she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > >

> > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp.

as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to

worry about.

> > >

> > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket

and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about

MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > >

> > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for

that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental

illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to

BPD).

> > >

> > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > >

> > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you

not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries

clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

> > >

> > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how

much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > >

> > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

support that decision!

> > >

> > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide

to re-connect with her mom.

> > >

> > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to

a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with

her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > >

> > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit,

and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

> > >

> > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > >

> > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do

something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > >

> > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy

and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to

decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > >

> > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings,

if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep

my voice level and neutral.

> > >

> > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

car!

> > >

> > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > >

> > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so

happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Just had to say Letty, wow this is awesome. You ARE a miracle for that child -

it's wonderful to know sometimes somewhere somebody gets lifted out of a

childhood hell to a better place with loving people where they can heal.

Awesome!

Another

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

> > >

> > > Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster

child join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems

eager to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to

adopt her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents "

and saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

> > >

> > > I'll call her .

> > >

> > > It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in

is denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

> > >

> > > Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

> > >

> > > I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD)

and brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

> > >

> > > But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family

players are eerily similar to my own.

> > >

> > > Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

> > >

> > > I want to help and love this kid without:

> > >

> > > 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two

separate people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries,

she needs breathing room for God's sake, etc).

> > >

> > > 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp.

as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to

worry about.

> > >

> > > She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket

and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about

MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

> > >

> > > 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for

that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental

illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to

BPD).

> > >

> > > Any advice anyone can offer?

> > >

> > > Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you

not overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries

clear, even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

> > >

> > > Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the

grandparents, but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how

much contact she has with her BPD mom.

> > >

> > > Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to

support that decision!

> > >

> > > But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide

to re-connect with her mom.

> > >

> > > Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this

mother, either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to

a court decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with

her and support whatever she decides to do.

> > >

> > > Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit,

and keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

> > >

> > > , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

> > >

> > > I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being

selfish? " I responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do

something that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

> > >

> > > So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy

and safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to

decide when she sees her mom is herself.

> > >

> > > I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she

wants to see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings,

if she doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep

my voice level and neutral.

> > >

> > > Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the

car!

> > >

> > > So clearly, this is getting to me.

> > >

> > > How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and

overly influence, dear little confused ?

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> > > P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so

happy to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It sound to me like you are doing an amazing job responding to her and that you

couldn't have done a better job in responding to her question about being

selfish. Kudos to you for handlling it so well, and I hope and pray that

will be able to stay with you until she becomes of age. It did my heart good to

read this, I'm sad tonight about the way my bpd SIL is acting so it's great to

hear about a couple of compassionate, empathetic people trying to heal a wounded

child.

>

> Hello All-

>

> You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

>

> Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster child

join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems eager

to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to adopt

her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents " and

saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

>

> I'll call her .

>

> It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in is

denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

>

> Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

>

> I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD) and

brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

>

> But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family players

are eerily similar to my own.

>

> Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

>

> I want to help and love this kid without:

>

> 1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two separate

people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries, she needs

breathing room for God's sake, etc).

>

> 2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all

about them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp.

as she spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to

worry about.

>

> She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my

husband. We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE

take care of her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket

and the cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about

MY messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

>

> 3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for

that. She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental

illness, (schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to

BPD).

>

> Any advice anyone can offer?

>

> Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you not

overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries clear,

even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

>

> Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the grandparents,

but my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how much contact

she has with her BPD mom.

>

> Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to support

that decision!

>

> But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide to

re-connect with her mom.

>

> Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this mother,

either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to a court

decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with her and

support whatever she decides to do.

>

> Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit, and

keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

>

> , God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

>

> I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being selfish? " I

responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do something

that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

>

> So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy and

safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to decide

when she sees her mom is herself.

>

> I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she wants to

see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings, if she

doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep my

voice level and neutral.

>

> Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the car!

>

> So clearly, this is getting to me.

>

> How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and overly

influence, dear little confused ?

>

> Letty

>

> P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so happy

to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.

>