Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Hello and welcome to the group - It sounds like you're already " taking a break " from your mom - why not continue to do so? The fact that your dad called to tell you Mom is lonely means she has him doing her errands, or that he wants you to re-engage to get her out of his hair! But he chose to marry her - his choice to stay involved with her is his own. Maybe the books will help him make sense of her behavior and the two of you can become a united front to deal with her BPD excesses. More important - your role as a parent to your daughter trumps any " duty " you owe to your mom. For your daughter's birthday, plan something different - and don't call Mom to explain or apologize. Your daughter needs memories of family holidays that are drama-free. That's your job, first and foremost! The fact that your mother can't seem to behave herself just means that she has become a " non-invite " for family occasions. If possible, you can do things with your dad - go fishing or play golf, etc. - so you can preserve your relationship with him. But it's perfectly all right to take yourself and your family out of the turmoil of BPD dysfunction. Keep reading, keep posting, and jump in here any time. > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Hello and welcome to the group - It sounds like you're already " taking a break " from your mom - why not continue to do so? The fact that your dad called to tell you Mom is lonely means she has him doing her errands, or that he wants you to re-engage to get her out of his hair! But he chose to marry her - his choice to stay involved with her is his own. Maybe the books will help him make sense of her behavior and the two of you can become a united front to deal with her BPD excesses. More important - your role as a parent to your daughter trumps any " duty " you owe to your mom. For your daughter's birthday, plan something different - and don't call Mom to explain or apologize. Your daughter needs memories of family holidays that are drama-free. That's your job, first and foremost! The fact that your mother can't seem to behave herself just means that she has become a " non-invite " for family occasions. If possible, you can do things with your dad - go fishing or play golf, etc. - so you can preserve your relationship with him. But it's perfectly all right to take yourself and your family out of the turmoil of BPD dysfunction. Keep reading, keep posting, and jump in here any time. > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Hello and welcome to the group - It sounds like you're already " taking a break " from your mom - why not continue to do so? The fact that your dad called to tell you Mom is lonely means she has him doing her errands, or that he wants you to re-engage to get her out of his hair! But he chose to marry her - his choice to stay involved with her is his own. Maybe the books will help him make sense of her behavior and the two of you can become a united front to deal with her BPD excesses. More important - your role as a parent to your daughter trumps any " duty " you owe to your mom. For your daughter's birthday, plan something different - and don't call Mom to explain or apologize. Your daughter needs memories of family holidays that are drama-free. That's your job, first and foremost! The fact that your mother can't seem to behave herself just means that she has become a " non-invite " for family occasions. If possible, you can do things with your dad - go fishing or play golf, etc. - so you can preserve your relationship with him. But it's perfectly all right to take yourself and your family out of the turmoil of BPD dysfunction. Keep reading, keep posting, and jump in here any time. > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Hi bk, Welcome to the Group. You've found a bunch of other people who can really understand what you're experiencing; your mother's behaviors sound so very familiar. It was a " light bulb " moment for me too when I finally started researching and found the description of the behaviors and traits of borderline pd; bpd traits and the traits of narcissistic pd gave me a means, at last, to comprehend that my mother isn't just " difficult " or " high-strung " , " hard to please " , " domineering " and " has a hair-trigger temper " , my mother is mentally ill. I was in my late 40's/early 50's when I first started educating myself about the world of personality disorders. There are some very good books out there; one of the best in my opinion is " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , and another good one is " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " " Stop Walking On Eggshells " is good too, but to me it seemed more geared toward those in a chosen relationship and less concerned with the devastating, long-term negative impact that a mentally ill parent can have on her child. My suggestion RE your own situation is that its OK to take a " time out " for yourself from your parents while you do some healing and perhaps some therapy, and figure out how you'd like to proceed in the future RE your relationship with your mother. Each individual person has to decide on his or her own what works in your own situation, what you can and can't tolerate, and what you can and can't live with. This is totally about you and your needs. In my opinion its not mean or hateful to just take a " time out " , aka temporary No Contact (or NC.) Its just something for you, for your own benefit. Use " I " statements when asked. " I need some time apart to do some personal work. I'm looking for more inner peace and centeredness (or for more personal growth, or whatever feels right to you.) I'll let you know when I feel ready to get back in touch. Thanks for understanding. " You don't need your mother to agree, or understand, or support your decision; you just assertively state how things are going to be. You have the power and the right to make decisions like that for yourself without your parent's agreement or approval. RE the birthday dilemma: one idea is that you could decide to just take your daughter out to a restaurant for her birthday this year, just the two of you (or with your husband/her dad?) And if your daughter is an adult, she can decide herself if she wants to also go visit her grandparents RE her birthday, or not, on her own. Its hard for us adult children of controlling, demanding, manipulative, overbearing, bullying personality-disordered parents to grasp the concept that as adults we get to say " no " sometimes, we get to change our plans, we get to change our minds, we get to break with " tradition " and the way " its always been done in our family " and we can even decide to put own needs and wishes first sometimes instead of our parents'. And it can be done just calmly and as a matter of course once we grasp that we have both the power and the right to do this. So, again, welcome. This is a great group for getting validation, a reality-check, new ideas, and multiple opinions. Its a great place to share your own insights and ideas. There's something about learning that you're not the only person on the planet dealing with these disordered parental behaviors that is very healing. -Annie > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Hi bk, Welcome to the Group. You've found a bunch of other people who can really understand what you're experiencing; your mother's behaviors sound so very familiar. It was a " light bulb " moment for me too when I finally started researching and found the description of the behaviors and traits of borderline pd; bpd traits and the traits of narcissistic pd gave me a means, at last, to comprehend that my mother isn't just " difficult " or " high-strung " , " hard to please " , " domineering " and " has a hair-trigger temper " , my mother is mentally ill. I was in my late 40's/early 50's when I first started educating myself about the world of personality disorders. There are some very good books out there; one of the best in my opinion is " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , and another good one is " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " " Stop Walking On Eggshells " is good too, but to me it seemed more geared toward those in a chosen relationship and less concerned with the devastating, long-term negative impact that a mentally ill parent can have on her child. My suggestion RE your own situation is that its OK to take a " time out " for yourself from your parents while you do some healing and perhaps some therapy, and figure out how you'd like to proceed in the future RE your relationship with your mother. Each individual person has to decide on his or her own what works in your own situation, what you can and can't tolerate, and what you can and can't live with. This is totally about you and your needs. In my opinion its not mean or hateful to just take a " time out " , aka temporary No Contact (or NC.) Its just something for you, for your own benefit. Use " I " statements when asked. " I need some time apart to do some personal work. I'm looking for more inner peace and centeredness (or for more personal growth, or whatever feels right to you.) I'll let you know when I feel ready to get back in touch. Thanks for understanding. " You don't need your mother to agree, or understand, or support your decision; you just assertively state how things are going to be. You have the power and the right to make decisions like that for yourself without your parent's agreement or approval. RE the birthday dilemma: one idea is that you could decide to just take your daughter out to a restaurant for her birthday this year, just the two of you (or with your husband/her dad?) And if your daughter is an adult, she can decide herself if she wants to also go visit her grandparents RE her birthday, or not, on her own. Its hard for us adult children of controlling, demanding, manipulative, overbearing, bullying personality-disordered parents to grasp the concept that as adults we get to say " no " sometimes, we get to change our plans, we get to change our minds, we get to break with " tradition " and the way " its always been done in our family " and we can even decide to put own needs and wishes first sometimes instead of our parents'. And it can be done just calmly and as a matter of course once we grasp that we have both the power and the right to do this. So, again, welcome. This is a great group for getting validation, a reality-check, new ideas, and multiple opinions. Its a great place to share your own insights and ideas. There's something about learning that you're not the only person on the planet dealing with these disordered parental behaviors that is very healing. -Annie > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 Hi bk, Welcome to the Group. You've found a bunch of other people who can really understand what you're experiencing; your mother's behaviors sound so very familiar. It was a " light bulb " moment for me too when I finally started researching and found the description of the behaviors and traits of borderline pd; bpd traits and the traits of narcissistic pd gave me a means, at last, to comprehend that my mother isn't just " difficult " or " high-strung " , " hard to please " , " domineering " and " has a hair-trigger temper " , my mother is mentally ill. I was in my late 40's/early 50's when I first started educating myself about the world of personality disorders. There are some very good books out there; one of the best in my opinion is " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , and another good one is " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " " Stop Walking On Eggshells " is good too, but to me it seemed more geared toward those in a chosen relationship and less concerned with the devastating, long-term negative impact that a mentally ill parent can have on her child. My suggestion RE your own situation is that its OK to take a " time out " for yourself from your parents while you do some healing and perhaps some therapy, and figure out how you'd like to proceed in the future RE your relationship with your mother. Each individual person has to decide on his or her own what works in your own situation, what you can and can't tolerate, and what you can and can't live with. This is totally about you and your needs. In my opinion its not mean or hateful to just take a " time out " , aka temporary No Contact (or NC.) Its just something for you, for your own benefit. Use " I " statements when asked. " I need some time apart to do some personal work. I'm looking for more inner peace and centeredness (or for more personal growth, or whatever feels right to you.) I'll let you know when I feel ready to get back in touch. Thanks for understanding. " You don't need your mother to agree, or understand, or support your decision; you just assertively state how things are going to be. You have the power and the right to make decisions like that for yourself without your parent's agreement or approval. RE the birthday dilemma: one idea is that you could decide to just take your daughter out to a restaurant for her birthday this year, just the two of you (or with your husband/her dad?) And if your daughter is an adult, she can decide herself if she wants to also go visit her grandparents RE her birthday, or not, on her own. Its hard for us adult children of controlling, demanding, manipulative, overbearing, bullying personality-disordered parents to grasp the concept that as adults we get to say " no " sometimes, we get to change our plans, we get to change our minds, we get to break with " tradition " and the way " its always been done in our family " and we can even decide to put own needs and wishes first sometimes instead of our parents'. And it can be done just calmly and as a matter of course once we grasp that we have both the power and the right to do this. So, again, welcome. This is a great group for getting validation, a reality-check, new ideas, and multiple opinions. Its a great place to share your own insights and ideas. There's something about learning that you're not the only person on the planet dealing with these disordered parental behaviors that is very healing. -Annie > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2010 Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 Hi and welcome, Everything you wrote...that's my life. Completely. Down to the father wanting you to make up for HIS sake, not yours. I'm 42. ALL my life has been about my mother. Totally, completely about her. When I got married and left the house, she would call about 3 times a day. If I didn't answer or call back, it would escalate and she'd blame my husband and talk trash about us to my father. It's been hard for me to stand up to her, but I've gotten TONS better, from being on this board and from therapy. I think standing up to her was hard, mostly b/c she had my father backing her up and I was very frightened of him. Now he's gone, it's weird, now I'm afraid of hurting her...but when I was talking to my therapist about this, I realized it's not that I 'm afraid of hurting her, it's all the histrionics and drama I'm trying to avoid. I, like yourself, usually just avoid, avoid, avoid. I don't tell her anything she doesn't need to know, I don't share much (not that she lets me get much in when she's talking). I really resent the drama at just about every family event. And, like you, it took me blowing up to finally say it all to her. I had kept it all in, fake smiling my way through it, eating my way through it, gaining 50 pounds of anger, resentment, and sadness. I finally blew up at her, but I said it. It ALL came out. After that day, we went from her calling me constantly/daily to me calling her once a day for, literally, a 30-second phone call. And that's it. She didn't like it but that's all she's getting and I'd like it to go to a 30 second WEEKLY call. If she criticizes my husband or crossed boundaries I've set, she can expect me to withdraw even more or go no contact for 1 to 3 weeks. My brother jokes about it, and it used to bother me, but now I let him laugh all he wants. I'm the one enjoying the peace and quiet! He gets HER! I get physically sick from being with her. I know to people outside this board, that sounds cruel. But my mother is an incredibly anxious, fearful, phobic, critical person and when I leave her house after just an hour, I feel like I need a shower. It's horrid. So I limit face to face time, too. This is your chance to rewrite the rules of your relationship. You probably don't want it to go back to the way it was, so right now is a good time to change the way things are done. As another of the members here (Doug) encouraged me to say to my mother, " Welcome to my sandbox! Here are the rules! " I love that. Definitely do it for your daughter's sake. Put HER first, not your mother. My older daughter is realizing how " strange " Grandma can be, too! It's very, very hard, I soooo know this. My family is very enmeshed and undifferentiated. And the decisions I've made have isolated me from them, but I had to choose my health and my family over her. Enough is enough. Fiona > > I just found out through a co-worker whose mother-in-law has BPD that this is an actual disorder and that my mother suffers from this as well. I have been reading books on this for a couple of weeks now and it has really helped me to understand why she behaves like she does and why I feel as if I'm going crazy from being around her. I'm 49 years old and feel like I have wasted a lot of years worrying and stressing over things. I don't know why it has taken me so long. She has had so much control over my life and I have been allowing this to happen. It is so hard for me to stand up to my mother. It is such a huge ordeal if I say something to offend her and then I have to put up with so much drama that I found it easier to hold everything in. Some days I feel like I could just blow up. I had a foot surgery and was on pain medication and she came over and pushed every last button I had. I still couldn't say anything. When she had a chance to get home, I called her and started yelling that she was driving me crazy. I had never done that before and it took being on pain medication for it to be released. Of course, she hung up on me. When I called her several weeks later and I asked her if I had to explain why I got upset, she said I guess your hormones are going crazy. I know it is useless to try to explain things to her because she is never at fault. This is the way it has always been. I have always spoken with my mother on the phone frequently and done things with her a couple of times each week. I am usually miserable from the many rude things she says and does. I don't understand why I let myself be tortured like that. For the last several months I have cut way back. It has been a slow process, but this has been really good for me emotionally. She has been " paying me back " by not calling, but this has been a really good thing for me too. I am finally understanding that this has needed to happen for a long time, but I was never strong enough to do it. When she finally realized it had been two weeks since we had spoken, she called and left a sad message that she wanted me to have lunch with her and my father. I just couldn't call her back, because I knew I couldn't do that and I didn't want to try to explain it to her. I knew she would cry and I would cave in and go with them to lunch. My Dad called the other day and told me Mom is getting lonely. I told him for now I wasn't able to be around her. I wasn't mad or doing this to be mean, I just had to do it for my own sanity. I told him that I didn't like myself when I was around her. I feel bullied and disrespected. I asked him if he would like to read the book that explains about her disorder and he said he would. I just gave it to him tonight. She treats him horribly and he knows that there is something wrong with her, but he has always stood by her and protected her. He said that he is able to deal with it. I don't think I can take it anymore. My daughter has a birthday coming up soon and we usually have dinner with my parents but my mother always creates some kind of drama. I am so tired of everything being about her. What should I do about the birthday dinner? How long should I give myself before I start talking with her again? I am emotionally exhausted from years of dealing with her behavior. What should I do? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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