Re: My brother -- how can I help him?

[Guest guest]

Fiona - how about this - find a therapist who deals in Asperger's, make a first

call and explain the situation. Try to schedule an appointment for you and your

brother to go in and get some ideas about " how to deal with Mom now that she's

getting older. " The therapist could give both of you permission to use

boundaries, etc. (Information from a disinterested third party may not make him

as defensive as it does when it comes from you.) At the same time, the

therapist can see whether his behavior indicates Aspergers. If it does, the

therapist can suggest seeing HIM " to discuss this further " and can work with him

on effective ways to " communicate with Mom " (actually, it would be regular

communication skills - it's my understanding that Aspergers patients CAN learn

to interact more effectively).

But you know, if he's that old and has never addressed his issues, it's entirely

likely he won't accept treatment. You may just have to acknowledge that he's

irritating and hard to relate to - and erect boundaries just as you do with

Nada. The poor guy must surely hate being in Nada's pocket that way, but in

reality he may not have a lot of other options, if he won't work on his social

interaction skills.

You can use some of the therapeutic techniques appropriate to Aspergers to

strengthen your own boundaries, though - ways to signal that it's time for him

to shut up and let somebody else talk. I think that information is pretty well

documented. Our family interacts pretty regularly with a high-functioning

autistic teenager, and once we learned the techniques his parents and teachers

use with him, it got a lot easier to talk to him and get him to function.

Best of luck with this - it really puts you in a tough spot.

>

> I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks, talks,

talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps going. " oh

sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more thing... " And then

that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board once suggested he might

have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He doesn't get it when people

fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's not only reason I think of AS

with him, but I digress...)

>

> If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you always

have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt, guilt!!!! So

sick of it.

> I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And then

just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

>

> ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family soon

and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older Brother

Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. " SIGH. I

really had to restrain myself.

>

> I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How much

more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She makes me

call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then if she

doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times until I pick

up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did our parents do

to us that they've had such power over us??

>

> Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about bpd,

about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her every other

weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he gets defensive of

her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay quiet and just let

him vent.

>

> Does any one go through this with their sibling?

>

> He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very much

a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't want to.

He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one moment,

standoffish and cold the next.

>

> Any input would be great,

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona - how about this - find a therapist who deals in Asperger's, make a first

call and explain the situation. Try to schedule an appointment for you and your

brother to go in and get some ideas about " how to deal with Mom now that she's

getting older. " The therapist could give both of you permission to use

boundaries, etc. (Information from a disinterested third party may not make him

as defensive as it does when it comes from you.) At the same time, the

therapist can see whether his behavior indicates Aspergers. If it does, the

therapist can suggest seeing HIM " to discuss this further " and can work with him

on effective ways to " communicate with Mom " (actually, it would be regular

communication skills - it's my understanding that Aspergers patients CAN learn

to interact more effectively).

But you know, if he's that old and has never addressed his issues, it's entirely

likely he won't accept treatment. You may just have to acknowledge that he's

irritating and hard to relate to - and erect boundaries just as you do with

Nada. The poor guy must surely hate being in Nada's pocket that way, but in

reality he may not have a lot of other options, if he won't work on his social

interaction skills.

You can use some of the therapeutic techniques appropriate to Aspergers to

strengthen your own boundaries, though - ways to signal that it's time for him

to shut up and let somebody else talk. I think that information is pretty well

documented. Our family interacts pretty regularly with a high-functioning

autistic teenager, and once we learned the techniques his parents and teachers

use with him, it got a lot easier to talk to him and get him to function.

Best of luck with this - it really puts you in a tough spot.

>

> I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks, talks,

talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps going. " oh

sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more thing... " And then

that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board once suggested he might

have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He doesn't get it when people

fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's not only reason I think of AS

with him, but I digress...)

>

> If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you always

have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt, guilt!!!! So

sick of it.

> I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And then

just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

>

> ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family soon

and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older Brother

Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. " SIGH. I

really had to restrain myself.

>

> I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How much

more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She makes me

call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then if she

doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times until I pick

up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did our parents do

to us that they've had such power over us??

>

> Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about bpd,

about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her every other

weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he gets defensive of

her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay quiet and just let

him vent.

>

> Does any one go through this with their sibling?

>

> He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very much

a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't want to.

He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one moment,

standoffish and cold the next.

>

> Any input would be great,

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona - how about this - find a therapist who deals in Asperger's, make a first

call and explain the situation. Try to schedule an appointment for you and your

brother to go in and get some ideas about " how to deal with Mom now that she's

getting older. " The therapist could give both of you permission to use

boundaries, etc. (Information from a disinterested third party may not make him

as defensive as it does when it comes from you.) At the same time, the

therapist can see whether his behavior indicates Aspergers. If it does, the

therapist can suggest seeing HIM " to discuss this further " and can work with him

on effective ways to " communicate with Mom " (actually, it would be regular

communication skills - it's my understanding that Aspergers patients CAN learn

to interact more effectively).

But you know, if he's that old and has never addressed his issues, it's entirely

likely he won't accept treatment. You may just have to acknowledge that he's

irritating and hard to relate to - and erect boundaries just as you do with

Nada. The poor guy must surely hate being in Nada's pocket that way, but in

reality he may not have a lot of other options, if he won't work on his social

interaction skills.

You can use some of the therapeutic techniques appropriate to Aspergers to

strengthen your own boundaries, though - ways to signal that it's time for him

to shut up and let somebody else talk. I think that information is pretty well

documented. Our family interacts pretty regularly with a high-functioning

autistic teenager, and once we learned the techniques his parents and teachers

use with him, it got a lot easier to talk to him and get him to function.

Best of luck with this - it really puts you in a tough spot.

>

> I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks, talks,

talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps going. " oh

sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more thing... " And then

that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board once suggested he might

have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He doesn't get it when people

fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's not only reason I think of AS

with him, but I digress...)

>

> If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you always

have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt, guilt!!!! So

sick of it.

> I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And then

just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

>

> ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family soon

and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older Brother

Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. " SIGH. I

really had to restrain myself.

>

> I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How much

more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She makes me

call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then if she

doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times until I pick

up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did our parents do

to us that they've had such power over us??

>

> Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about bpd,

about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her every other

weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he gets defensive of

her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay quiet and just let

him vent.

>

> Does any one go through this with their sibling?

>

> He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very much

a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't want to.

He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one moment,

standoffish and cold the next.

>

> Any input would be great,

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah sweetie, I'm glad you have your brother. But anything that starts with

" I love my brother *BUT* " and then ends with a list of his flaws indicates a

problem. I'm not sure what to tell you, it sounds like there are good things

too, but I think the issues need to be addressed.

Well that's no help. But I just wanted to point out the BUT seemed like a

major deal.

On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 2:37 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> Fiona - how about this - find a therapist who deals in Asperger's, make a

> first call and explain the situation. Try to schedule an appointment for you

> and your brother to go in and get some ideas about " how to deal with Mom now

> that she's getting older. " The therapist could give both of you permission

> to use boundaries, etc. (Information from a disinterested third party may

> not make him as defensive as it does when it comes from you.) At the same

> time, the therapist can see whether his behavior indicates Aspergers. If it

> does, the therapist can suggest seeing HIM " to discuss this further " and can

> work with him on effective ways to " communicate with Mom " (actually, it

> would be regular communication skills - it's my understanding that Aspergers

> patients CAN learn to interact more effectively).

>

> But you know, if he's that old and has never addressed his issues, it's

> entirely likely he won't accept treatment. You may just have to acknowledge

> that he's irritating and hard to relate to - and erect boundaries just as

> you do with Nada. The poor guy must surely hate being in Nada's pocket that

> way, but in reality he may not have a lot of other options, if he won't work

> on his social interaction skills.

>

> You can use some of the therapeutic techniques appropriate to Aspergers to

> strengthen your own boundaries, though - ways to signal that it's time for

> him to shut up and let somebody else talk. I think that information is

> pretty well documented. Our family interacts pretty regularly with a

> high-functioning autistic teenager, and once we learned the techniques his

> parents and teachers use with him, it got a lot easier to talk to him and

> get him to function.

>

> Best of luck with this - it really puts you in a tough spot.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks,

> talks, talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps

> going. " oh sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more

> thing... " And then that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board

> once suggested he might have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He

> doesn't get it when people fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's

> not only reason I think of AS with him, but I digress...)

> >

> > If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you

> always have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt,

> guilt!!!! So sick of it.

> > I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And

> then just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

> >

> > ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family

> soon and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older

> Brother Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. "

> SIGH. I really had to restrain myself.

> >

> > I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How

> much more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She

> makes me call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then

> if she doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times

> until I pick up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did

> our parents do to us that they've had such power over us??

> >

> > Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about

> bpd, about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her

> every other weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he

> gets defensive of her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay

> quiet and just let him vent.

> >

> > Does any one go through this with their sibling?

> >

> > He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very

> much a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't

> want to. He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one

> moment, standoffish and cold the next.

> >

> > Any input would be great,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah sweetie, I'm glad you have your brother. But anything that starts with

" I love my brother *BUT* " and then ends with a list of his flaws indicates a

problem. I'm not sure what to tell you, it sounds like there are good things

too, but I think the issues need to be addressed.

Well that's no help. But I just wanted to point out the BUT seemed like a

major deal.

On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 2:37 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> Fiona - how about this - find a therapist who deals in Asperger's, make a

> first call and explain the situation. Try to schedule an appointment for you

> and your brother to go in and get some ideas about " how to deal with Mom now

> that she's getting older. " The therapist could give both of you permission

> to use boundaries, etc. (Information from a disinterested third party may

> not make him as defensive as it does when it comes from you.) At the same

> time, the therapist can see whether his behavior indicates Aspergers. If it

> does, the therapist can suggest seeing HIM " to discuss this further " and can

> work with him on effective ways to " communicate with Mom " (actually, it

> would be regular communication skills - it's my understanding that Aspergers

> patients CAN learn to interact more effectively).

>

> But you know, if he's that old and has never addressed his issues, it's

> entirely likely he won't accept treatment. You may just have to acknowledge

> that he's irritating and hard to relate to - and erect boundaries just as

> you do with Nada. The poor guy must surely hate being in Nada's pocket that

> way, but in reality he may not have a lot of other options, if he won't work

> on his social interaction skills.

>

> You can use some of the therapeutic techniques appropriate to Aspergers to

> strengthen your own boundaries, though - ways to signal that it's time for

> him to shut up and let somebody else talk. I think that information is

> pretty well documented. Our family interacts pretty regularly with a

> high-functioning autistic teenager, and once we learned the techniques his

> parents and teachers use with him, it got a lot easier to talk to him and

> get him to function.

>

> Best of luck with this - it really puts you in a tough spot.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks,

> talks, talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps

> going. " oh sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more

> thing... " And then that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board

> once suggested he might have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He

> doesn't get it when people fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's

> not only reason I think of AS with him, but I digress...)

> >

> > If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you

> always have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt,

> guilt!!!! So sick of it.

> > I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And

> then just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

> >

> > ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family

> soon and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older

> Brother Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. "

> SIGH. I really had to restrain myself.

> >

> > I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How

> much more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She

> makes me call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then

> if she doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times

> until I pick up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did

> our parents do to us that they've had such power over us??

> >

> > Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about

> bpd, about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her

> every other weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he

> gets defensive of her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay

> quiet and just let him vent.

> >

> > Does any one go through this with their sibling?

> >

> > He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very

> much a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't

> want to. He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one

> moment, standoffish and cold the next.

> >

> > Any input would be great,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah sweetie, I'm glad you have your brother. But anything that starts with

" I love my brother *BUT* " and then ends with a list of his flaws indicates a

problem. I'm not sure what to tell you, it sounds like there are good things

too, but I think the issues need to be addressed.

Well that's no help. But I just wanted to point out the BUT seemed like a

major deal.

On Mon, Aug 23, 2010 at 2:37 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> Fiona - how about this - find a therapist who deals in Asperger's, make a

> first call and explain the situation. Try to schedule an appointment for you

> and your brother to go in and get some ideas about " how to deal with Mom now

> that she's getting older. " The therapist could give both of you permission

> to use boundaries, etc. (Information from a disinterested third party may

> not make him as defensive as it does when it comes from you.) At the same

> time, the therapist can see whether his behavior indicates Aspergers. If it

> does, the therapist can suggest seeing HIM " to discuss this further " and can

> work with him on effective ways to " communicate with Mom " (actually, it

> would be regular communication skills - it's my understanding that Aspergers

> patients CAN learn to interact more effectively).

>

> But you know, if he's that old and has never addressed his issues, it's

> entirely likely he won't accept treatment. You may just have to acknowledge

> that he's irritating and hard to relate to - and erect boundaries just as

> you do with Nada. The poor guy must surely hate being in Nada's pocket that

> way, but in reality he may not have a lot of other options, if he won't work

> on his social interaction skills.

>

> You can use some of the therapeutic techniques appropriate to Aspergers to

> strengthen your own boundaries, though - ways to signal that it's time for

> him to shut up and let somebody else talk. I think that information is

> pretty well documented. Our family interacts pretty regularly with a

> high-functioning autistic teenager, and once we learned the techniques his

> parents and teachers use with him, it got a lot easier to talk to him and

> get him to function.

>

> Best of luck with this - it really puts you in a tough spot.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks,

> talks, talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps

> going. " oh sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more

> thing... " And then that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board

> once suggested he might have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He

> doesn't get it when people fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's

> not only reason I think of AS with him, but I digress...)

> >

> > If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you

> always have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt,

> guilt!!!! So sick of it.

> > I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And

> then just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

> >

> > ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family

> soon and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older

> Brother Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. "

> SIGH. I really had to restrain myself.

> >

> > I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How

> much more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She

> makes me call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then

> if she doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times

> until I pick up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did

> our parents do to us that they've had such power over us??

> >

> > Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about

> bpd, about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her

> every other weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he

> gets defensive of her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay

> quiet and just let him vent.

> >

> > Does any one go through this with their sibling?

> >

> > He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very

> much a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't

> want to. He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one

> moment, standoffish and cold the next.

> >

> > Any input would be great,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

the monologue-ing is definitely a hallmark of aspergers. he just doesn't get it.

the good thing about him not being able to read those signs is he's probably

not going to read much into you being firm with 'gotta go', and just leaving.

I really don't know what to say about his take on your nada and his relationship

with her.

Let's put it this way...I just don't think it's by accident that so many fada's

are 'dishrag dads'. My aspie brother married a bpd because he couldn't read her

behavior as abnormal. Half the time he is lost in his own little world, and her

histrionics didn't faze him as much as they probably would a normal person, who

would have detected her way earlier probably. In fact, the guy she dated before

him, for five years, same thing. So I am starting to suspect that aspie men may

in fact be disproportionately mating with bpd women, because they can't read

them and may not be as bothered or fazed by the craziness... perhaps hence the

'dishragy-ness' of the dad's of KO's and the strange tendency for so many KO's

to have aspie/autistic traits or be diagnosed as somewhere on the autism

spectrum, since autism has been linked to gene markers.

Ultimately he may be interpreting some of her behavior in a completely different

way than you. Which means that your way is valid FOR YOU and not to second guess

yourself. If you feel it is significantly troubling to him, you could broach the

topic (as long as you felt he would keep it between the two of you...and

unfortunately another trait of aspergers is the tendency to overspill and

'tattle-tale' and in general share too much and inappropriately). So it is alot

to think about, plus there is the chance it may not be significant to him in the

way it is to you. It's okay that he is differently affected by her than you

are, it doesn't invalidate ANYTHING you feel or any way that you react to her.

In fact it sounds like you are sandwiched between two atypical people, one who

is neurologically atypical and one who is emotionally psychologically atypical.

You deserve alot of hugs and alot of support. There are support forums for

people who have autistic family members in case you feel like you need support

in that way too. Hugs.

>

> I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks, talks,

talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps going. " oh

sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more thing... " And then

that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board once suggested he might

have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He doesn't get it when people

fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's not only reason I think of AS

with him, but I digress...)

>

> If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you always

have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt, guilt!!!! So

sick of it.

> I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And then

just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

>

> ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family soon

and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older Brother

Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. " SIGH. I

really had to restrain myself.

>

> I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How much

more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She makes me

call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then if she

doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times until I pick

up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did our parents do

to us that they've had such power over us??

>

> Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about bpd,

about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her every other

weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he gets defensive of

her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay quiet and just let

him vent.

>

> Does any one go through this with their sibling?

>

> He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very much

a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't want to.

He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one moment,

standoffish and cold the next.

>

> Any input would be great,

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, hugs and support to you sweetie! XOXOXOX

>

>

> the monologue-ing is definitely a hallmark of aspergers. he just doesn't

> get it.

>

> the good thing about him not being able to read those signs is he's

> probably not going to read much into you being firm with 'gotta go', and

> just leaving.

>

> I really don't know what to say about his take on your nada and his

> relationship with her.

>

> Let's put it this way...I just don't think it's by accident that so many

> fada's are 'dishrag dads'. My aspie brother married a bpd because he

> couldn't read her behavior as abnormal. Half the time he is lost in his own

> little world, and her histrionics didn't faze him as much as they probably

> would a normal person, who would have detected her way earlier probably. In

> fact, the guy she dated before him, for five years, same thing. So I am

> starting to suspect that aspie men may in fact be disproportionately mating

> with bpd women, because they can't read them and may not be as bothered or

> fazed by the craziness... perhaps hence the 'dishragy-ness' of the dad's of

> KO's and the strange tendency for so many KO's to have aspie/autistic traits

> or be diagnosed as somewhere on the autism spectrum, since autism has been

> linked to gene markers.

>

> Ultimately he may be interpreting some of her behavior in a completely

> different way than you. Which means that your way is valid FOR YOU and not

> to second guess yourself. If you feel it is significantly troubling to him,

> you could broach the topic (as long as you felt he would keep it between the

> two of you...and unfortunately another trait of aspergers is the tendency to

> overspill and 'tattle-tale' and in general share too much and

> inappropriately). So it is alot to think about, plus there is the chance it

> may not be significant to him in the way it is to you. It's okay that he is

> differently affected by her than you are, it doesn't invalidate ANYTHING you

> feel or any way that you react to her. In fact it sounds like you are

> sandwiched between two atypical people, one who is neurologically atypical

> and one who is emotionally psychologically atypical. You deserve alot of

> hugs and alot of support. There are support forums for people who have

> autistic family members in case you feel like you need support in that way

> too. Hugs.

>

>

>

> >

> > I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks,

> talks, talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps

> going. " oh sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more

> thing... " And then that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board

> once suggested he might have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He

> doesn't get it when people fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's

> not only reason I think of AS with him, but I digress...)

> >

> > If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you

> always have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt,

> guilt!!!! So sick of it.

> > I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And

> then just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

> >

> > ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family

> soon and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older

> Brother Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. "

> SIGH. I really had to restrain myself.

> >

> > I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How

> much more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She

> makes me call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then

> if she doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times

> until I pick up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did

> our parents do to us that they've had such power over us??

> >

> > Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about

> bpd, about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her

> every other weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he

> gets defensive of her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay

> quiet and just let him vent.

> >

> > Does any one go through this with their sibling?

> >

> > He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very

> much a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't

> want to. He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one

> moment, standoffish and cold the next.

> >

> > Any input would be great,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, hugs and support to you sweetie! XOXOXOX

>

>

> the monologue-ing is definitely a hallmark of aspergers. he just doesn't

> get it.

>

> the good thing about him not being able to read those signs is he's

> probably not going to read much into you being firm with 'gotta go', and

> just leaving.

>

> I really don't know what to say about his take on your nada and his

> relationship with her.

>

> Let's put it this way...I just don't think it's by accident that so many

> fada's are 'dishrag dads'. My aspie brother married a bpd because he

> couldn't read her behavior as abnormal. Half the time he is lost in his own

> little world, and her histrionics didn't faze him as much as they probably

> would a normal person, who would have detected her way earlier probably. In

> fact, the guy she dated before him, for five years, same thing. So I am

> starting to suspect that aspie men may in fact be disproportionately mating

> with bpd women, because they can't read them and may not be as bothered or

> fazed by the craziness... perhaps hence the 'dishragy-ness' of the dad's of

> KO's and the strange tendency for so many KO's to have aspie/autistic traits

> or be diagnosed as somewhere on the autism spectrum, since autism has been

> linked to gene markers.

>

> Ultimately he may be interpreting some of her behavior in a completely

> different way than you. Which means that your way is valid FOR YOU and not

> to second guess yourself. If you feel it is significantly troubling to him,

> you could broach the topic (as long as you felt he would keep it between the

> two of you...and unfortunately another trait of aspergers is the tendency to

> overspill and 'tattle-tale' and in general share too much and

> inappropriately). So it is alot to think about, plus there is the chance it

> may not be significant to him in the way it is to you. It's okay that he is

> differently affected by her than you are, it doesn't invalidate ANYTHING you

> feel or any way that you react to her. In fact it sounds like you are

> sandwiched between two atypical people, one who is neurologically atypical

> and one who is emotionally psychologically atypical. You deserve alot of

> hugs and alot of support. There are support forums for people who have

> autistic family members in case you feel like you need support in that way

> too. Hugs.

>

>

>

> >

> > I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks,

> talks, talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps

> going. " oh sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more

> thing... " And then that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board

> once suggested he might have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He

> doesn't get it when people fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's

> not only reason I think of AS with him, but I digress...)

> >

> > If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you

> always have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt,

> guilt!!!! So sick of it.

> > I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And

> then just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

> >

> > ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family

> soon and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older

> Brother Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. "

> SIGH. I really had to restrain myself.

> >

> > I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How

> much more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She

> makes me call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then

> if she doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times

> until I pick up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did

> our parents do to us that they've had such power over us??

> >

> > Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about

> bpd, about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her

> every other weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he

> gets defensive of her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay

> quiet and just let him vent.

> >

> > Does any one go through this with their sibling?

> >

> > He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very

> much a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't

> want to. He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one

> moment, standoffish and cold the next.

> >

> > Any input would be great,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

>

>