Re: My brother -- how can I help him?

[Guest guest]

the monologue-ing is definitely a hallmark of aspergers. he just doesn't get it.

the good thing about him not being able to read those signs is he's probably

not going to read much into you being firm with 'gotta go', and just leaving.

I really don't know what to say about his take on your nada and his relationship

with her.

Let's put it this way...I just don't think it's by accident that so many fada's

are 'dishrag dads'. My aspie brother married a bpd because he couldn't read her

behavior as abnormal. Half the time he is lost in his own little world, and her

histrionics didn't faze him as much as they probably would a normal person, who

would have detected her way earlier probably. In fact, the guy she dated before

him, for five years, same thing. So I am starting to suspect that aspie men may

in fact be disproportionately mating with bpd women, because they can't read

them and may not be as bothered or fazed by the craziness... perhaps hence the

'dishragy-ness' of the dad's of KO's and the strange tendency for so many KO's

to have aspie/autistic traits or be diagnosed as somewhere on the autism

spectrum, since autism has been linked to gene markers.

Ultimately he may be interpreting some of her behavior in a completely different

way than you. Which means that your way is valid FOR YOU and not to second guess

yourself. If you feel it is significantly troubling to him, you could broach the

topic (as long as you felt he would keep it between the two of you...and

unfortunately another trait of aspergers is the tendency to overspill and

'tattle-tale' and in general share too much and inappropriately). So it is alot

to think about, plus there is the chance it may not be significant to him in the

way it is to you. It's okay that he is differently affected by her than you

are, it doesn't invalidate ANYTHING you feel or any way that you react to her.

In fact it sounds like you are sandwiched between two atypical people, one who

is neurologically atypical and one who is emotionally psychologically atypical.

You deserve alot of hugs and alot of support. There are support forums for

people who have autistic family members in case you feel like you need support

in that way too. Hugs.

>

> I try to avoid talking to my brother. I love him dearly, but he talks, talks,

talks nonstop. Even if I say, " I have to run to a meeting " , he keeps going. " oh

sorry, yeah, go, don't want you to be late! Wait, one more thing... " And then

that goes on for 2 more minutes. (someone on this board once suggested he might

have Aspergers and I think they might be right. He doesn't get it when people

fidget and sigh b/c he's talking so much. that's not only reason I think of AS

with him, but I digress...)

>

> If I say, I REALLY have to go now, the apt's on fire, he'll say, 'you always

have to go. you never can talk a long time with me. " guilt, guilt, guilt!!!! So

sick of it.

> I know it's my own people pleasing, that I can't say, " I have to go. " And then

just hang up, b/c he guilts me when I have to go.

>

> ANYway, on to my post: I told him I was going on vacation with my family soon

and I almost fell off my chair b/c he said to me in his official Older Brother

Voice, " ok, just make sure you check on mom the week before you go. " SIGH. I

really had to restrain myself.

>

> I said, " I CHECK on Mom every day. I think that's plenty of checking. How much

more do you want me to check on her? " Then he fell apart. " I know. She makes me

call her twice a day. Why do I have to talk twice a day??? And then if she

doesn't hear from me at night, she freaks out and calls me 9 times until I pick

up! " He sounded like a frightened little kid. What on earth did our parents do

to us that they've had such power over us??

>

> Anyway, how can I help someone like this?? I am DYING to tell him about bpd,

about how he's not really helping when he spends 72 hours with her every other

weekend. If I start discussing this kind of stuff with him, he gets defensive of

her. " She's oooold. She's so little and frail. " So I stay quiet and just let

him vent.

>

> Does any one go through this with their sibling?

>

> He's 46, never married, has never had a long term relationship. He's very much

a loner. It's hard to relate to him, and sometimes, honestly...I don't want to.

He can be just plain weird, very clingy, loud, and annoying in one moment,

standoffish and cold the next.

>

> Any input would be great,

>

> Fiona

>