Re: In shock from NC

[Guest guest]

- It's always good to hear from you - there are a lot of people here who

are thinking of you and wondering how you're doing.

As to being in shock - I can see how that would happen. Many of us have gone NC

or LC only after many years of being out on our own, with spouses, mortgages,

kids, pets, jobs - so we've been " independent adults " long enough not to feel a

huge vacuum where our parents used to be. It's more of a huge sense of relief,

mixed with guilt and anxiety. But we've " self-identified " as grownups, living

away from our parents, so it's more of a natural progression as we have less

contact with them.

From what you've written here, you have been tied up with your parents - to the

point that they have had a bizarre sense of entitlement to your home, your

personal life, even your plans for your own future. So it makes perfect sense

that there's a void now.

But hang on - in a " normal " world, somebody your age, and with your

accomplishments, would have been out of the house and out from under Mom and

Dad's thumb a long time ago. You're feeling the anxiety that would probably be

normal for a college freshman during her first few weeks in the dorm! The

longer you live on your own, the more normal it will feel. You've already got a

lot on your side - you've lived alone, you've traveled, you've got school for

structure and new friendships, there are people looking out for you. You just

have to breathe deep for a while, until the strangeness passes.

I was older than you - married and long gone from home - when I got a chance to

spend a semester abroad. It was all too wonderful for words, until I bade my

husband goodbye (he'd been traveling with me the first three weeks), and

realized I was truly on my own, an ocean away from home, and that NOBODY in my

new city knew who I was or cared what happened to me. (This was before easy

access to email or cellphones, so instant communication wasn't possible.) My

husband was still in transit, so I called the only people I could think of - my

parents - and sobbed like a baby. It was momentary, it was over within an hour,

the very next day I met my landlady, who took me under her wing for a few days

until classes started. And then it was wonderful. I count that experience as

one of the best things that ever happened to me. By the time I left, I was a

different person - more confident, unafraid to walk through a strange city or

country, sure of my coping abilities. But that growth didn't come without the

growing pains those first few days.

You are going to be FINE. Give it a month or so before you decide there's a

problem. Every day is going to feel more normal, more like your real life.

Because this IS your real life.

>

> I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

>

> Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't

want any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I

am relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though,

it makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

>

> I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends

when I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so

preoccupied with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking

because I don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have

started crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home

every night thinks I'm crazy.

>

> When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought

of you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you

have had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

>

> I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- It's always good to hear from you - there are a lot of people here who

are thinking of you and wondering how you're doing.

As to being in shock - I can see how that would happen. Many of us have gone NC

or LC only after many years of being out on our own, with spouses, mortgages,

kids, pets, jobs - so we've been " independent adults " long enough not to feel a

huge vacuum where our parents used to be. It's more of a huge sense of relief,

mixed with guilt and anxiety. But we've " self-identified " as grownups, living

away from our parents, so it's more of a natural progression as we have less

contact with them.

From what you've written here, you have been tied up with your parents - to the

point that they have had a bizarre sense of entitlement to your home, your

personal life, even your plans for your own future. So it makes perfect sense

that there's a void now.

But hang on - in a " normal " world, somebody your age, and with your

accomplishments, would have been out of the house and out from under Mom and

Dad's thumb a long time ago. You're feeling the anxiety that would probably be

normal for a college freshman during her first few weeks in the dorm! The

longer you live on your own, the more normal it will feel. You've already got a

lot on your side - you've lived alone, you've traveled, you've got school for

structure and new friendships, there are people looking out for you. You just

have to breathe deep for a while, until the strangeness passes.

I was older than you - married and long gone from home - when I got a chance to

spend a semester abroad. It was all too wonderful for words, until I bade my

husband goodbye (he'd been traveling with me the first three weeks), and

realized I was truly on my own, an ocean away from home, and that NOBODY in my

new city knew who I was or cared what happened to me. (This was before easy

access to email or cellphones, so instant communication wasn't possible.) My

husband was still in transit, so I called the only people I could think of - my

parents - and sobbed like a baby. It was momentary, it was over within an hour,

the very next day I met my landlady, who took me under her wing for a few days

until classes started. And then it was wonderful. I count that experience as

one of the best things that ever happened to me. By the time I left, I was a

different person - more confident, unafraid to walk through a strange city or

country, sure of my coping abilities. But that growth didn't come without the

growing pains those first few days.

You are going to be FINE. Give it a month or so before you decide there's a

problem. Every day is going to feel more normal, more like your real life.

Because this IS your real life.

>

> I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

>

> Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't

want any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I

am relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though,

it makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

>

> I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends

when I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so

preoccupied with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking

because I don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have

started crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home

every night thinks I'm crazy.

>

> When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought

of you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you

have had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

>

> I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- It's always good to hear from you - there are a lot of people here who

are thinking of you and wondering how you're doing.

As to being in shock - I can see how that would happen. Many of us have gone NC

or LC only after many years of being out on our own, with spouses, mortgages,

kids, pets, jobs - so we've been " independent adults " long enough not to feel a

huge vacuum where our parents used to be. It's more of a huge sense of relief,

mixed with guilt and anxiety. But we've " self-identified " as grownups, living

away from our parents, so it's more of a natural progression as we have less

contact with them.

From what you've written here, you have been tied up with your parents - to the

point that they have had a bizarre sense of entitlement to your home, your

personal life, even your plans for your own future. So it makes perfect sense

that there's a void now.

But hang on - in a " normal " world, somebody your age, and with your

accomplishments, would have been out of the house and out from under Mom and

Dad's thumb a long time ago. You're feeling the anxiety that would probably be

normal for a college freshman during her first few weeks in the dorm! The

longer you live on your own, the more normal it will feel. You've already got a

lot on your side - you've lived alone, you've traveled, you've got school for

structure and new friendships, there are people looking out for you. You just

have to breathe deep for a while, until the strangeness passes.

I was older than you - married and long gone from home - when I got a chance to

spend a semester abroad. It was all too wonderful for words, until I bade my

husband goodbye (he'd been traveling with me the first three weeks), and

realized I was truly on my own, an ocean away from home, and that NOBODY in my

new city knew who I was or cared what happened to me. (This was before easy

access to email or cellphones, so instant communication wasn't possible.) My

husband was still in transit, so I called the only people I could think of - my

parents - and sobbed like a baby. It was momentary, it was over within an hour,

the very next day I met my landlady, who took me under her wing for a few days

until classes started. And then it was wonderful. I count that experience as

one of the best things that ever happened to me. By the time I left, I was a

different person - more confident, unafraid to walk through a strange city or

country, sure of my coping abilities. But that growth didn't come without the

growing pains those first few days.

You are going to be FINE. Give it a month or so before you decide there's a

problem. Every day is going to feel more normal, more like your real life.

Because this IS your real life.

>

> I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

>

> Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't

want any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I

am relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though,

it makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

>

> I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends

when I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so

preoccupied with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking

because I don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have

started crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home

every night thinks I'm crazy.

>

> When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought

of you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you

have had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

>

> I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hang in there . I know I continue to have moments like you describe,

where there is a huge void where the nada/fada drama used to be. I sometimes

still wish they would pursue me just so I knew they gave a da*n, but the few

times my nada does send notes or emails, I quickly see how void she is of love

for me. She only wants to fulfill her own needs.

I suggest taking baby steps to fill that void as you feel you are able. Its

like relearning something we all should have started learning at birth. We have

to teach ourselves how to take care of our own needs and often even figuring out

what those needs are can be difficult. I received lots of wise advice from this

board to fill that void with lots of selfcare things. Listening to music,

books, walks, massages...whatever you like to do for you and is in your budget.

patinage

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm NC with my father (NPD) and I remember that time period of shock

you are in. It really feels like an amputation of a part of your heart. Or at

least it did to me. The part of you that still wants their love or to love them

if it were remotely safe to do so. It *will* get better though. Especially as

your new life grows and you get more established. Have you looked into getting

a therapist in your new town yet? You need some safer places to cry than the

bar!

Also beware in this time of the appearance of the nada substitute. I have

noticed in my life and observed it in others, that sometimes after making a huge

effort to get one unhealthy person out of my life another one very similar to

them appears in my life to replace them. Something like the universe abhorring

a vacuum. It's very easy while in a state of vulnerability and hurt over going

NC to bond with a new person who is eerily similar to who you just got away

from.

Stay strong!

>

> I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

>

> Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't

want any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I

am relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though,

it makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

>

> I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends

when I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so

preoccupied with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking

because I don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have

started crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home

every night thinks I'm crazy.

>

> When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought

of you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you

have had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

>

> I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm NC with my father (NPD) and I remember that time period of shock

you are in. It really feels like an amputation of a part of your heart. Or at

least it did to me. The part of you that still wants their love or to love them

if it were remotely safe to do so. It *will* get better though. Especially as

your new life grows and you get more established. Have you looked into getting

a therapist in your new town yet? You need some safer places to cry than the

bar!

Also beware in this time of the appearance of the nada substitute. I have

noticed in my life and observed it in others, that sometimes after making a huge

effort to get one unhealthy person out of my life another one very similar to

them appears in my life to replace them. Something like the universe abhorring

a vacuum. It's very easy while in a state of vulnerability and hurt over going

NC to bond with a new person who is eerily similar to who you just got away

from.

Stay strong!

>

> I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

>

> Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't

want any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I

am relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though,

it makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

>

> I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends

when I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so

preoccupied with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking

because I don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have

started crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home

every night thinks I'm crazy.

>

> When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought

of you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you

have had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

>

> I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm NC with my father (NPD) and I remember that time period of shock

you are in. It really feels like an amputation of a part of your heart. Or at

least it did to me. The part of you that still wants their love or to love them

if it were remotely safe to do so. It *will* get better though. Especially as

your new life grows and you get more established. Have you looked into getting

a therapist in your new town yet? You need some safer places to cry than the

bar!

Also beware in this time of the appearance of the nada substitute. I have

noticed in my life and observed it in others, that sometimes after making a huge

effort to get one unhealthy person out of my life another one very similar to

them appears in my life to replace them. Something like the universe abhorring

a vacuum. It's very easy while in a state of vulnerability and hurt over going

NC to bond with a new person who is eerily similar to who you just got away

from.

Stay strong!

>

> I went NC just two weeks ago and my numbness is starting to turn into complete

shock. I don't regret my decision at all but I can't believe this has happened.

I can't believe how permanent it is and that I had to go to such extreme

measures just for the freedom to live my life. I can't believe parents like this

can exist, and that on top of it, I am certain they are blaming me for all of

this. I am shocked that something like this could happen to them, and they won't

for a second doubt themselves, or examine their actions.

>

> Nada and fada received my final letter from Paris this week stating I don't

want any contact and will get a restraining order if they try. Intellectually, I

am relieved that their efforts have ceased (I think). On another level, though,

it makes me really sad that I was right- that their " love " was conditional, and

they are ready to abandon me if I " misbehave " .

>

> I have been really busy with school, so it's only been hard on the weekends

when I'm not busy. I don't like going out with friends because I'm so

preoccupied with so many secrets I can't tell them. I am petrified of drinking

because I don't want to slip up and reveal my old name and identity. I also have

started crying at the bar and I'm fairly certain my neighbor who walks me home

every night thinks I'm crazy.

>

> When I first joined this group, I envied everyone who had gone NC. I thought

of you as strong and persistent, but I never thought about how much all of you

have had to go through emotionally to get to where you are.

>

> I know it will get better, it just doesn't *feel* like that right now. I

continue to read the board every day, which definitely helps. Thanks for

listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your support! phine, thanks for checking up on me. I

think you're right that I'm starting the grieving process now that I've had time

for things to calm down. I'm also shocked that I haven't already grieved

enough….

Tina, thank you so much for your insights on what to expect! I have had some

sense of liberation and I need to focus on that when I get down about all of my

losses. It's very interesting how you described that your mood was affected by

nada- I know that's how I've been my whole life, and it's been weird assessing

my mood for what it truly is- without any external influences.

Elora Jade, I completely agree with you on the kids aspect- I don't have kids

but part of why I wanted to go NC was for my future family.

, your analogy of a freshman in the dorms is very interesting. I'm going to

have to mull over that one- I completely agree that since I've been so

intertwined with nada and fada, it will take a while for this to be normal. It's

getting better every day- every day that we have classes/activities, I have

something new to talk about with my classmates. I'm getting used to the fact

that it's " ok " to have my thoughts consumed with me, and thoughts of class, and

not be consumed with worrying how nada is dealing with NC. You made some

poignant observations- I was so stressed about what to tell my new classmates

about my FOO, when very few of them have asked. Most everyone else at this life

stage is so pre-occupied with adult life transitions that their families are

fleeting after thoughts. I'm going to try to observe and model how much they

take care of themselves first, as independent adults.

Patinage, thanks for the reminder that nada just tries to fulfill her own needs.

I need to continuously remember that when I imagine her being distraught over

NC. I told my friend today how if FOO were really concerned about my safety, the

first thing they would do is call the police. They know it isn't a safety issue,

though, so they haven't, but are still trying to pursue me under that guise.

They are trying to manipulate my friends and people around me, pretending they

are worried parents, when they haven't taken any of the normal steps worried

parents actually would. I love your advice on self-care. I have explored a

little of my new town, but I'm going to set aside more time to get to know it.

, thanks for sharing your experience. I have started work with a new

therapist, who has suggested I go back to twice a week therapy if my insurance

covers it. I'll definitely explore that option, but a large part of me wants to

shove most of this under the rug and deal with it when I absolutely have to.

And thanks for the warning about the nada substitute! It's a good thing to keep

in mind considering that I'm making all new friends. I have notoriously found

many nadas to be friends with in the past so I'm trying to make a very conscious

effort to not repeat those patterns. That manifests in tons of guy friends

(acquaintances) with two girl friends, because I don't trust more people to get

close to. I'm satisfied with my friends right now, though, and I'm trying to

enjoy time alone so I don't fall into unhealthy relationships just to not be

alone.

Thank you all for your support, I really don't know what I'd do without you! I

keep comparing this life change to when I left medicine- it probably took six

months for me to fully realize and emotionally feel what a good decision I made,

although intellectually I knew I'd done the right thing all along. I definitely

consciously know I made the right decision, it just feels…weird. I've always

considered myself to be a strong, well-rounded person, but for the past few

years, drama with nada has taken over my being. I have definitely lost myself,

and now that the chaos is gone, I need to re-explore who I am.

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your support! phine, thanks for checking up on me. I

think you're right that I'm starting the grieving process now that I've had time

for things to calm down. I'm also shocked that I haven't already grieved

enough….

Tina, thank you so much for your insights on what to expect! I have had some

sense of liberation and I need to focus on that when I get down about all of my

losses. It's very interesting how you described that your mood was affected by

nada- I know that's how I've been my whole life, and it's been weird assessing

my mood for what it truly is- without any external influences.

Elora Jade, I completely agree with you on the kids aspect- I don't have kids

but part of why I wanted to go NC was for my future family.

, your analogy of a freshman in the dorms is very interesting. I'm going to

have to mull over that one- I completely agree that since I've been so

intertwined with nada and fada, it will take a while for this to be normal. It's

getting better every day- every day that we have classes/activities, I have

something new to talk about with my classmates. I'm getting used to the fact

that it's " ok " to have my thoughts consumed with me, and thoughts of class, and

not be consumed with worrying how nada is dealing with NC. You made some

poignant observations- I was so stressed about what to tell my new classmates

about my FOO, when very few of them have asked. Most everyone else at this life

stage is so pre-occupied with adult life transitions that their families are

fleeting after thoughts. I'm going to try to observe and model how much they

take care of themselves first, as independent adults.

Patinage, thanks for the reminder that nada just tries to fulfill her own needs.

I need to continuously remember that when I imagine her being distraught over

NC. I told my friend today how if FOO were really concerned about my safety, the

first thing they would do is call the police. They know it isn't a safety issue,

though, so they haven't, but are still trying to pursue me under that guise.

They are trying to manipulate my friends and people around me, pretending they

are worried parents, when they haven't taken any of the normal steps worried

parents actually would. I love your advice on self-care. I have explored a

little of my new town, but I'm going to set aside more time to get to know it.

, thanks for sharing your experience. I have started work with a new

therapist, who has suggested I go back to twice a week therapy if my insurance

covers it. I'll definitely explore that option, but a large part of me wants to

shove most of this under the rug and deal with it when I absolutely have to.

And thanks for the warning about the nada substitute! It's a good thing to keep

in mind considering that I'm making all new friends. I have notoriously found

many nadas to be friends with in the past so I'm trying to make a very conscious

effort to not repeat those patterns. That manifests in tons of guy friends

(acquaintances) with two girl friends, because I don't trust more people to get

close to. I'm satisfied with my friends right now, though, and I'm trying to

enjoy time alone so I don't fall into unhealthy relationships just to not be

alone.

Thank you all for your support, I really don't know what I'd do without you! I

keep comparing this life change to when I left medicine- it probably took six

months for me to fully realize and emotionally feel what a good decision I made,

although intellectually I knew I'd done the right thing all along. I definitely

consciously know I made the right decision, it just feels…weird. I've always

considered myself to be a strong, well-rounded person, but for the past few

years, drama with nada has taken over my being. I have definitely lost myself,

and now that the chaos is gone, I need to re-explore who I am.

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your support! phine, thanks for checking up on me. I

think you're right that I'm starting the grieving process now that I've had time

for things to calm down. I'm also shocked that I haven't already grieved

enough….

Tina, thank you so much for your insights on what to expect! I have had some

sense of liberation and I need to focus on that when I get down about all of my

losses. It's very interesting how you described that your mood was affected by

nada- I know that's how I've been my whole life, and it's been weird assessing

my mood for what it truly is- without any external influences.

Elora Jade, I completely agree with you on the kids aspect- I don't have kids

but part of why I wanted to go NC was for my future family.

, your analogy of a freshman in the dorms is very interesting. I'm going to

have to mull over that one- I completely agree that since I've been so

intertwined with nada and fada, it will take a while for this to be normal. It's

getting better every day- every day that we have classes/activities, I have

something new to talk about with my classmates. I'm getting used to the fact

that it's " ok " to have my thoughts consumed with me, and thoughts of class, and

not be consumed with worrying how nada is dealing with NC. You made some

poignant observations- I was so stressed about what to tell my new classmates

about my FOO, when very few of them have asked. Most everyone else at this life

stage is so pre-occupied with adult life transitions that their families are

fleeting after thoughts. I'm going to try to observe and model how much they

take care of themselves first, as independent adults.

Patinage, thanks for the reminder that nada just tries to fulfill her own needs.

I need to continuously remember that when I imagine her being distraught over

NC. I told my friend today how if FOO were really concerned about my safety, the

first thing they would do is call the police. They know it isn't a safety issue,

though, so they haven't, but are still trying to pursue me under that guise.

They are trying to manipulate my friends and people around me, pretending they

are worried parents, when they haven't taken any of the normal steps worried

parents actually would. I love your advice on self-care. I have explored a

little of my new town, but I'm going to set aside more time to get to know it.

, thanks for sharing your experience. I have started work with a new

therapist, who has suggested I go back to twice a week therapy if my insurance

covers it. I'll definitely explore that option, but a large part of me wants to

shove most of this under the rug and deal with it when I absolutely have to.

And thanks for the warning about the nada substitute! It's a good thing to keep

in mind considering that I'm making all new friends. I have notoriously found

many nadas to be friends with in the past so I'm trying to make a very conscious

effort to not repeat those patterns. That manifests in tons of guy friends

(acquaintances) with two girl friends, because I don't trust more people to get

close to. I'm satisfied with my friends right now, though, and I'm trying to

enjoy time alone so I don't fall into unhealthy relationships just to not be

alone.

Thank you all for your support, I really don't know what I'd do without you! I

keep comparing this life change to when I left medicine- it probably took six

months for me to fully realize and emotionally feel what a good decision I made,

although intellectually I knew I'd done the right thing all along. I definitely

consciously know I made the right decision, it just feels…weird. I've always

considered myself to be a strong, well-rounded person, but for the past few

years, drama with nada has taken over my being. I have definitely lost myself,

and now that the chaos is gone, I need to re-explore who I am.