help...I'm not sure if I'm in the right place...

[Guest guest]

I have reason to believe she's BP. When we were growing up, mi madre was prone

to HORRIBLE mood swings, temper tantrums, screaming, etc. When she was angry

she'd grab us by the hair and shake us. We were often given swats with a paddle

when we were in trouble and then subjected to yelling, screaming, or silent

treatments.

I feel like it goes way beyond " stern " into something else.

She was an alcoholic for probably the first 10 years of my life. When she was

not angry I mostly remember her sobbing and crying " Why me? " as if we were an

atrocious blight on her being. I believe dad made her stop drinking after a

night of heavy drinking where I had to hide the car keys.

One day at school my sister ended up telling someone in the school office that

they couldn't tell our parents (something like running up a $10 tab in the lunch

room) because she'd beat us. They sent out social workers to our home - my

mother was the picture of kindness with exasperation while they interviewed her

and my sister, but when the social workers were gone the woman never let my

sister live it down. I could see how that would be distressing as a parent -

but the way my sister was punished seemed ... excessive.

When I'd break something - like the top of the glass cake stand, I'd hide in the

yard out by the horse pastures, listening for the screaming to die down. During

the cake stand incident I remember her voice coming from the deck: " When I find

you, I'm going to kill you! " followed by scary laughing. We were kids, but

mistakes and broken glasses weren't allowed. To this day I still cry in terror

if I drop a glass in my own home.

I remember the two weeks after I'd gotten my driver's license - I ended up in an

accident while I had friends in the car (forbidden, but I figured it'd be okay

this once). When we got home, all I could do was shrug and flippantly say

" well... That wasn't cool - but I learned. I might as well get my one accident

out of the way now, right? " A very positive spin on a lame situation for a high

school sophomore. I was greeted with fury for that - screaming, berating. I

was stupid. I'd embarrassed her. I was grounded for an entire year. I was

stuck out in that house, 20 miles out of town, only let out for school. And now?

I had a fender bender the other day and cried uncontrollably in fear that

somehow I was in trouble.

There were far lesser trespasses than that, but my sister and I learned to live

in fear. She was unpredictable. She would become enraged at the drop of a hat,

grabbing an arm or our hair and shaking us while screaming at us... but she

didn't always do that...

When I got ready to graduate, she told me I had to do it on my own - I wasn't

going to ruin her credit by taking out student loans. She refused to help fill

out the FAFSA. She did it, she said - why couldn't I? I talked to school

officials and every one of them said " You have to fill out the FAFSA paperwork " .

I was a 3.8 GPA student, and I was accepted to the schools I'd applied for, but

I couldn't pay even one quarter's tuition. Until that summer, I wasn't allowed

to drive my car because I had to pay my own insurance so I got a month's worth

of insurance on loan from mom (the family accountant). I paid it back, paid my

insurance, and was able to save about $1300 for school. The school that I got

into required $5000 for first quarter tuition. I decided I was never going to

get out of that cycle while I still lived with them so I packed up and moved

overnight, with the help of a boyfriend. I called and told them I wasn't coming

back from vacation. She was angry. My dad was incredibly sad. It was the

first time I'd realized how quick she was at severing ties to those around her.

She'd attract new people and then suddenly some strange fallout would cause them

to leave her. She was never in the wrong. I took her statements at face value.

I went through a lot - a rocky relationship that culminated in an unstable

marriage. She took great pride in arranging the wedding with my ex-MIL. I had

no say in most of the choices - especially when it came to whether or not I

wanted to be married. I played victim cus I thought I had to. At the wedding

she and my step-brother got into a pretty righteous fight, because he mentioned

his therapist said he had a lot of relationship baggage from his relationship

with my mother. If they weren't close then, they definitely severed ties at the

wedding.

She did loan me the money for a retainer for my divorce attorney. I went

through some pretty frightening boyfriends after that. She started counselling

me. She sent volumes of self help books and micromanaged my finances and my

feelings. I had to report to her - from 600 miles away - what my checkbook

looked like, how my budget was, even after I'd repaid the retainer loan. She

sent me the Secret, she told me I shouldn't be a victim. She sent pills that I

was supposed to take and I let her micromanage and instruct my lifestyle.

My sister became pregnant and mom stopped calling so much. I kind of set out on

my own. I started to feel the release of not being micromanaged. I made my own

plan, my own schedule and I started growing as a person. In the meantime, mom

was busy enforcing. She told my sister that the baby had to be aborted. When

my sister declined, mom forcefully drove her down to an adoption agency and

helped my sister sign up. My mother was still her guardian. Then at 7 months

pregnant, my mom decided she couldn't take my sister any longer and kicked her

out of the house. My sister hadn't yet graduated high school. Once she adopted

out the baby, she signed up for the Marines and left. The calls started coming

again from mom. They were tainted with weirdness. They were all about

manifesting and an angel named Benu and little green men. I listened with humor,

but I started to feel like maybe she'd gone a little nuts.

2.5 years ago, mom decided she hated my Grandmother's 12-year-long boyfriend.

Gran is a little loopy at times, but very functional. GIL (Gran's boyfriend now

husband) lost a leg, but gets around on his walker pretty well. We went down

for a visit the summer prior (my mom and I) during which she got into a

screaming match with GIL, and flew home from our trip 3 days early. She decided

then that she was going to split them up. So the next summer she petitioned to

get power of Attorney because GIL was " stealing her father's money " and because

Gran has just a touch of dementia. She involved me - she told me she had

something really important to do, I couldn't know about it. No wait, I could

know about it but I had to promise to back her up. I had to promise

unconditionally to help her. I was going to fly down with her to help her take

my Gran from their home to a senior center. Then she was going to sue GIL for

stealing all the family money. I sadly bought my tickets, while still voicing

that I didn't feel right about this plan.

GIL and Gran found out about this and hired an attorney. A few days before we

were supposed to fly, she called me, enraged that they'd gotten an attorney -

convinced I'd told on her. She told me how wrong I was to support them (though

I was supposed to be going to help her). I said I'd bought tickets to help,

even though I'd had reservations. She ended up screaming " I told you so " at me,

and hung up on me. We didn't talk from September to Christmas, after that. In

fact, we didn't really have any contact until the next July. She seemed to be

okay then... but recently I found out that she's been harboring that grudge

against me for 2.5 years.

I feel bad for my dad - that he's catching the brunt of this. He's acknowledged

her wild mood swings and temper. Now, when he comes out to visit me, I can

guarantee that she'll call him, get mad and scream at him over the phone and

then hang up on him.

Cue my impending wedding. I mentioned to my dad that some of his side of the

family couldn't come up, so when we're on honeymoon we'd go see them. Mom finds

out about this plan and sends me an email detailing how my dad's family is

dangerous with dark secrets about molestation, fraud and " dirty dealings " .

There was a lot of speculation about how an aunt hated my grandfather because

she was raised with the step-father. I remember hearing something about that as

a kid, but I know that the offending person passed away when I was 12. We

bantered back and forth - with my first statements being " I'd rather not engage

in speculation of that sort. " She told me that was nice, but she couldn't ever

let go of what she'd been through (though none of what was in her original email

even happened in her side of the family!). It definitely degraded into the

blame game - with her telling me that I'm rude and that she doesn't " hobnob with

thieves " . She told me she felt like she had a clear conscience in spite of the

accusations against her. She told me there's a reason she hasn't spoken with me

for the last 2.5 years (which is BS - we've definitely spoken). Finally, she

became snide and told me that " we'll make nice until the wedding and after that

we can go our separate ways. "

I don't know what to do... I can't cut them off because I'd like to spend time

with my dad, but he definitely doesn't rule the roost.