Re: Re: Starting my journey

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I think it would be great if you could protect your niece. But you can't

right now. Maybe as she gets older. So I think in this case you just focus

on what IS your responsability. And keep her away from your own kids.

I know what you mean, Nada will NEVER agree to anything unless it is exactly

on her terms! Even seeing her grandkids.

Ugh!! I'm sorry!

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:09 AM, Simpson wrote:

>

>

> Oh my! It is so nice to know I am not crazy or mean or a " bad daughter " .

>

> * " Kudos to you for accepting that your mother needs to be supervised while

>

> visiting your children, that shows a lot of character and inner strength on

> your part. " *

>

> This was automatic almost. The day I went into labor with my first I became

> mama bear. It no longer mattered what others thought I was going to protect

> my kid(s). I may compromise on little details but when safety is a concern

> it's my way or the highway.

>

> * " It seems to help a lot of us to read the various books about bpd,

> particularly " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , and " Surviving a

>

> Borderline Parent " , and the books by this Group's owner Randi Kreger, " Stop

> Walking On Eggshells " and her newer books. " *

>

> My therapist recommended and I bought all three. That's actually where I

> discovered this site. I am working on reading them now.

>

> * " When I had my last child, she didn't like the name. Grant, she wanted

> Blake. I didn't " *

>

> Wow, maybe we have the same mom? First she kept pushing Cody if it was a

> boy but we have a bird named Cody and she could not understand why I

> wouldn't name a child after a pet. Then with my second we at first picked

> Quinn Lana. My mother played dumb and kept using Quinn Laden claiming she

> can't remember. We ended up changing her name to Cora so my mother couldn't

> do that.

>

> * " I was her target. Sounds like you are too! " *

>

> I have become her only target due to setting boundaries. That is why the

> situation with her has escalated so much. I have " ruined her life " (her

> words) by keeping her from unlimited access to " her grand-babies " . She, of

> course, feels she is in no way responsible for the situation.

>

> * " It matters more to her that she gets what she wants than she sees the

> grandkids on our terms (i.e. under supervision and not at her house). " *

>

> Once again is this my mom? This is it exactly. A reasonable person would

> realize that even if they don't agree with the parents they must respect

> their wishes in order to spend time with them. My mother is more concerned

> with seeing them on her terms and when not allowed will go without. We

> started with no unsupervised time but later had to add the not at her house

> part after 2 experiences. First she called before Christmas and demanded

> that we change all our plans because it's " her right to have Christmas at

> her house with the kids " . We compromised and had a Christmas dinner at her

> house the day after. Second, a few months later we went to her house for a

> dinner and she demanded " my house my rules " as a way to do what she wanted

> with the kids. She even told me I am not allowed to discipline my daughter

> in her house.

>

>

> * If you get the chance, and can do so safely, you might try to impart a

> little of what you've observed to your niece's parents, so they can rethink

> letting their child be unsupervised with your mother.

>

> *We have tried this but my brother falls into the " she's just saying this

> to

> hurt mom " camp. We even considered calling the authorities but realized

> they cannot do anything without evidence and there is no evidence.

>

>

>