Re: Re: The letter

[Guest guest]

*Sometimes, the only way you can win is to not play the game*

This pretty much sums it up. At the moment we have no contact but it is not

yet a firm decision on my part...I'm still thinking it over. I have reached

the point where in order to have contact my boundaries must not be crossed.

After the letter we had no contact for 4 months. Then she left a message

and sounded calm. I returned the call intent on laying out some boundaries

in order to get her back with mu kids(more to give my kids a fair chance to

know grandma). I called and she demanded to see my kids. I calmly said

" we'll see " She cut me off demanding to know what that means. I explained

that due to her behavior we will first need to have an acceptable

agreement/boundaries in place. She started yelling that she has never done

anything wrong or to hurt me. I brought up the letter and explained how she

does not have a right to my kids. She screamed " oh yes I do, I can take you

to court for grandparent visitation it's my right to see them " . I explained

that only applies in divorce cases. I called her out on being abusive(in

hindsight this was a bad idea but I needed to say it). She asked me to

explain but then would scream over me and not listen. She then screamed

that " you ruined my life, I'm depressed over this " and I hung up.

I really didn't plan on typing all that. LOL. But the point was that I was

and maybe still am open to her being able to have a limited relationship for

my kids sake BUT at the moment it is in her hands because I will not go back

to the way it was. The way I feel is if she really wants to see the kids

she will respect the boundaries or not see the kids. Her choice.

On Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 1:22 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> I agree. Your nada has projected onto you her own negative behaviors and

> motivations in an effort to make herself out to be your victim.

>

> Its really similar to a toddler who goes over to another child and yanks

> his toy away from him, then screams in shocked disbelief when the other

> child hits her. How *dare* you set boundaries and defend yourself from her

> disrespectful, dangerous, intrusive behaviors? You're just supposed to

> knuckle under and do what she wants, when she wants it. After all, you have

> *her* property and are keeping it from her: you have HER grand-babies.

>

> You have done or said nothing to feel guilty about.

>

> You have all the power, and its your option totally whether you want to

> continue to try and get your nada to respect your boundaries, or if you want

> to go No Contact, or somewhere in between.

>

> *IF* you want to try again to have some contact, my suggestion is to ignore

> the letter completely. Never even refer to it, to her. " What letter? " I

> suggest that you invite her over to your home for a visit on a specific day

> and time, and make sure other people are there too, but don't tell nada

> that. You've invited nada and a friend or two of yours over to your home for

> tea.

>

> By doing this you have 1. Ignored nada's written " tantrum " , her

> manipulative accusations and her demands. 2. You are reinforcing your own

> boundaries and 3. You have even escalated your boundaries. Not only does

> nada not get access to your children on her own terms, she doesn't get to be

> alone with you, anymore, either! 4. You would be making it clear in a public

> way that you are willing to have contact with your mother in your home. If

> nada makes a scene, then, that's what people will remember. They'll remember

> you being calm, rational and gracious, and your mother acting like a crazy

> person.

>

> On the other hand, if you've had it (very understandable) and want to go No

> Contact with nada either temporarily or permanently, I'd still ignore the

> letter. Keep it, as evidence, but don't respond to it.

>

> Sometimes, the only way you can win is to not play the game.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I decided to post " the letter " . This is the one my momster delivered the

> > day after I came home from the hospital with DD2. It was the first and

> only

> > time she has seen DD2. I have been told that there is nothing wrong with

> > the letter, it is not hurtful, it is not nasty, it is not abusive, and I

> am

> > overreacting. Here it is:

> >

> > It's time I have a talk with you. I'm writing because I don't want any

> > screaming or yelling. I can't take it anymore. I just have to get this

> off

> > my chest. Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you

> and

> > (hubby), I am just letting you know what is bothering me. (me), you only

> > get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me.I don't

> know

> > what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you

> > would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have

> > been a worry wart all my life, It drove me nuts when you kids were

> little.

> > I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you

> are.

> > There are things I don't agree with you about. But I don't yell at you

> like

> > you do me. You and (hubby) both treat me like shit. I have to walk on

> > eggshells every time I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or

> > doing something wrong. In fear that you will yell at me. That's not the

> > way it's supposed to be. You are my daughter, I should feel very

> > comfortable in your house. And the fact that you won't let me watch your

> > kids, just puts a knife right through my heart. I have been watching

> > (neice) since she was born. And I do a hell of a job with her. It gives

> us

> > time to bond together. You won't give me that chance to bond with (DD1)

> and

> > I'm sure the same with (DD2). What does (hubby)'s mother have that I

> > don't? She gets to keep (DD1) overnight every week. Why can't I? You have

> > never given me an honest answer. I really need to know. And the fact that

> > you called me 20 minutes before (DD2) was born, is just proof you did not

> > want me there. A very important moment in my life, to be there when my

> > granddaughter was born, you took that away from me. But I see (best

> friend)

> > was there. You must have called me last. Another stab in the heart.

> > Honey, I don't want to go on like this, I want us all to get along. (me),

> > this is the hardest thing I ever had to do in life, but I have to do it.

> > Until you and (hubby) start treating me with respect, I can no longer

> come

> > to your house. However, I hope you can find it in your heart to bring the

> > kids over to see me. I love all three of my grand babies more than life

> > itself

> >

> > Mom

> >

> > First, " if you would like to talk about it I am here for you " --I tried

> when

> > I called her to discuss boundaries and how she has hurt me. She screamed

> > over me and would not listen.

> >

> > " I don't yell at you like you do me " --most times she doesn't yell but has

> > other family gang up on me or pushes something over and over until I

> cave.

> > She does scream at the top of her lungs at times.

> >

> > As for me yelling at her it has only been 4 times in 18 months. 1)DD1's

> > first Christmas when I spent all day cooking and she showed up and

> demanded

> > I leave the meal to sit and get cold because she wanted to see my 4 month

> > old open gifts. She freaked out and I yelled at her to leave. 2) DD2's

> > second Christmas when she called 2 weeks before and demanded I abandon

> all

> > my plans so she could have her " right " to have Christmas at her house.

> > 3)The day I went into labor with DD2 when she ignored my request to stop

> > interfering with DD1 5 TIMES in less than an hour. 4) When I was in late

> > labor and about to deliver she whined to me about all the ways I could

> die

> > in the hospital.

> >

> > " The fact that you won't let me watch your kids... " --This is because with

> my

> > niece she leaves her alone with 2 mean dogs, refuses to use a safe and

> > properly installed carseat, and smokes in a closed car with her and then

> > asks people not to tell my brother.

> >

> > " You have never given me an honest answer " --We have discussed it several

> > times.

> >

> > " You won't give me the chance to bond with DD1--She was at our house for

> > hours one a week and often invited herself over without asking other

> times.

> >

> > That I did not want her at the birth was true but also she told me she

> did

> > not want to be there and I called her all night and her phone was out of

> > order.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

*Someone who didn't know the dynamics of your

relationship could easily paint you as the bad guy, which is probably

why some have told you that you are overreacting*

This exactly! I have been able to pinpoint 4 distinct outlooks that people

in my life take. 3 of them don't get it. They are:

- The " honor thy mother, she's your mother no matter what " group. They

beleive that giving birth to me automatically solidifies a lifelong

relationship NO MATTER WHAT. If she will not be reasonable, respect me, or

even listen to me I still must continue the relationship for no other reason

than she's my mother. If she will not take responsibility for her part than

I must shoulder all the responsibility for carrying on the relationship. If

I do not I will regret it forever and ever after she passes.(My aunt/her

sister has actually said to me that I will regret how I treat her and I am

depriving my children of a grandma IN SPITE OF that fact that she knows my

mother puts my niece in danger.)

- The " it must be you " group. These are the people who do not see the

behind closed doors treatment I receive. They see only that my mother

spoils me. Buying excessive(also cheap, unwanted) gifts = good mother.

Since I am so spoiled I must be overreacting and therefore all the horrible

things my mother says about me must be true. They either join my mother in

putting me down and telling me how horrible of a daughter I am or feel sorry

for my mother and give her advice such as having me arrested, punishing me

severely, or getting me the mental help that I need(which I do/did but not

for the reasons they thought and my mother would never take me to therapy

because that would out her)

- The " your mother is sick in the head " group. This is the group of

people who recognize that my mother has issues but instead of realizing that

a child should not be treated this way they take the opinion of " your mother

is sick and therefore we must just tolerate her, if she had cancer you

wouldn't abandon her and this is no different. Effectively, they also make

my mother's issues my responsibility. I hear things like " it's just how she

is " from them.

- The " supporters " group. These are the few people in my life who

beleive me wholeheartedly, support me in my decisions regarding my

relationship with mom, and understand that it is not my fault and I have no

obligation to take her crap.

[Guest guest]

*Someone who didn't know the dynamics of your

relationship could easily paint you as the bad guy, which is probably

why some have told you that you are overreacting*

This exactly! I have been able to pinpoint 4 distinct outlooks that people

in my life take. 3 of them don't get it. They are:

- The " honor thy mother, she's your mother no matter what " group. They

beleive that giving birth to me automatically solidifies a lifelong

relationship NO MATTER WHAT. If she will not be reasonable, respect me, or

even listen to me I still must continue the relationship for no other reason

than she's my mother. If she will not take responsibility for her part than

I must shoulder all the responsibility for carrying on the relationship. If

I do not I will regret it forever and ever after she passes.(My aunt/her

sister has actually said to me that I will regret how I treat her and I am

depriving my children of a grandma IN SPITE OF that fact that she knows my

mother puts my niece in danger.)

- The " it must be you " group. These are the people who do not see the

behind closed doors treatment I receive. They see only that my mother

spoils me. Buying excessive(also cheap, unwanted) gifts = good mother.

Since I am so spoiled I must be overreacting and therefore all the horrible

things my mother says about me must be true. They either join my mother in

putting me down and telling me how horrible of a daughter I am or feel sorry

for my mother and give her advice such as having me arrested, punishing me

severely, or getting me the mental help that I need(which I do/did but not

for the reasons they thought and my mother would never take me to therapy

because that would out her)

- The " your mother is sick in the head " group. This is the group of

people who recognize that my mother has issues but instead of realizing that

a child should not be treated this way they take the opinion of " your mother

is sick and therefore we must just tolerate her, if she had cancer you

wouldn't abandon her and this is no different. Effectively, they also make

my mother's issues my responsibility. I hear things like " it's just how she

is " from them.

- The " supporters " group. These are the few people in my life who

beleive me wholeheartedly, support me in my decisions regarding my

relationship with mom, and understand that it is not my fault and I have no

obligation to take her crap.

[Guest guest]

*Someone who didn't know the dynamics of your

relationship could easily paint you as the bad guy, which is probably

why some have told you that you are overreacting*

This exactly! I have been able to pinpoint 4 distinct outlooks that people

in my life take. 3 of them don't get it. They are:

- The " honor thy mother, she's your mother no matter what " group. They

beleive that giving birth to me automatically solidifies a lifelong

relationship NO MATTER WHAT. If she will not be reasonable, respect me, or

even listen to me I still must continue the relationship for no other reason

than she's my mother. If she will not take responsibility for her part than

I must shoulder all the responsibility for carrying on the relationship. If

I do not I will regret it forever and ever after she passes.(My aunt/her

sister has actually said to me that I will regret how I treat her and I am

depriving my children of a grandma IN SPITE OF that fact that she knows my

mother puts my niece in danger.)

- The " it must be you " group. These are the people who do not see the

behind closed doors treatment I receive. They see only that my mother

spoils me. Buying excessive(also cheap, unwanted) gifts = good mother.

Since I am so spoiled I must be overreacting and therefore all the horrible

things my mother says about me must be true. They either join my mother in

putting me down and telling me how horrible of a daughter I am or feel sorry

for my mother and give her advice such as having me arrested, punishing me

severely, or getting me the mental help that I need(which I do/did but not

for the reasons they thought and my mother would never take me to therapy

because that would out her)

- The " your mother is sick in the head " group. This is the group of

people who recognize that my mother has issues but instead of realizing that

a child should not be treated this way they take the opinion of " your mother

is sick and therefore we must just tolerate her, if she had cancer you

wouldn't abandon her and this is no different. Effectively, they also make

my mother's issues my responsibility. I hear things like " it's just how she

is " from them.

- The " supporters " group. These are the few people in my life who

beleive me wholeheartedly, support me in my decisions regarding my

relationship with mom, and understand that it is not my fault and I have no

obligation to take her crap.