She won't let up, advice please!!

[Guest guest]

I just feel so stuck. I'm utterly exhausted and each day I am actively trying to

take steps to not sink into depression.

I'll try and summarise recent events as much as I can. Here goes:

I have written a few posts about how I have been trying to drastically change my

relationship with my mother since she raged at me through repeated phone calls

and sms's about a month ago, more or less because I was on my way out when she

popped in to ask for help putting petrol in her car cause it freaks her out.

Since then, I've been trying to set new boundaries, attempted L.C, even wrote to

her to say that I loved her very much, but couldn't see her again until she got

help with her anger.

Needless to say the last month has been really challenging. I have felt really

stuck and have been fumbling my way through setting new boundaries and never

knowing what to expect from her. Her contact with me ranges from completely

casual " How are you " " Can you mind my dog? " type of messages to angry " I don't

want you there when I die " " I'm not to blame for the cold, steely look in your

eyes " type of ones.

The last week, I didn't respond to two of her messages. The first one was a very

random, obscure message that I just didn't get and the next was an I miss you. I

didn't reply simply because I didn't know what to say to her!!! Anything I do

say gets completely twisted around. If I don't contact her she gets angry. If I

try and see her just once a week for a cuppa, she senses me pulling away and

gets even angrier, if I ask her to stop contacting me in the nicest way I can,

she just won't!!

I guess it all comes down to control. I'm no longer letting her call the shots

and out her twisted spin on things and she can't bear the loss of power over me.

Anyway, then she phoned to ask how my dad is. He has been fighting cancer for

over a year. I didn't grow up with my dad. He left mum when she was pregnant (he

was only 17) and started a new family in a different state soon after. She calls

him a few times a year to yell at him and his wife for not doing more for me.

She hasn't been with him for 33 years!!!!!

I guess she figured inquiring about his health was a way to get to me.

All day yesterday she messaged me over and over about how much she loves me-

that is her right. She said over and over again that she loved my dad and that

she is allowed to. That her and dad's relationship was the reason for me and my

daughter and how beautiful we are and how lucky he is to have me and my daughter

in his life. There were about 10 messages along these lines.

I didn't get them for a few hours as my phone has been playing up.

Amidst all the professed love for me and my dad, she asked me if I could mind

her dog Jack. Then I guess because I hadn't answered, she eventually said " it's

ok, you can't have Jack " . Followed by a " nice " lovey one again and then " Your

answering machine message is stupid. I hope your work or your daughters friends

don't phone. (My daughter is 6 months old!)

I messaged her and said that I didn't know what to say to her. That one minute

she sends me messages to say how much she loves me and the next to attack me and

elements of my life and that I never knew what to expect from her. That I loved

her, but was still feeling hurt by some of her recent words and actions and

could she stop contacting me.

Well, this was like waving a red flag at a bull. I know that this would have

been hurtful to anyone, but I know that it would be especially difficult for her

to handle.

She said she wouldn't accept my request until I said it to her face to face. I

told her that I didn't want to talk to her.

She was at my house within 10 minutes pounding on my door. Everything in me

wanted to run a way, but I answered.

It was awful. She is the waif as I have heard someone recently so well describe

it- skinny, hunched over, wide, teary wounded eyes. It was dark and cold

outside. Through he screen door she asked me if this was her last breath right

here and now would I be saying goodbye. " Is this it? " she kept asking. I tried

to stick to my request and not get swept into her drama. I kept repeating my

line over and over- " I am feeling hurt and need you to stop contacting me " . She

waved her finger at me and demanded to know the answer to her question. If this

was her last breath standing here now, would I be saying goodbye? "

I kept repeating my line until she finally left, calling out behind her that she

loved me.

Text messages followed. If my nana was alive she wouldn't believe what has

happened to me. She is not to blame for my steely eyes. That she saw me in a

shop a few weeks ago and saw something in me she had never seen before.(perhaps

exhaustion from nursing a 6 month old baby and having to deal with a crazy

mum!!??). That isn't her fault either.

This morning it has continued. Now it is excuse after excuse. I said that

because.... I did that because.... The overarching excuse is her need for love.

She keeps saying that over and over that she just needs love.

I know that to be true. But I also know that no amount of " being there for her "

or displays of my love can fix her.

I feel I have tried everything including asking her to leave me alone. That has

been such a hard thing to do and I have been grappling with all of the guilt etc

that comes with that, though feeling surprisingly justified for the first time

ever.

I can't help but think that I could have handled things better and that I should

have known she would react so extremely when I asked her to not contact me. But

then it doesn't matter what I do. If I don't respond to her then she fights with

herself! She just won't leave me alone!

I am so sorry for another long post. I just don't know what to do!

Feeling sad, stuck and spent today.

Lynda