Re: livid and looking for some self-talk suggestions

[Guest guest]

The anger is hard to deal with. It can surge up suddenly, maybe triggered by

something very minor. My husband (patient man) is always a bit shocked when I

explode over some little thing. My anger may last all of 5 seconds but it's

usually out of proportion with what just happened. And the underlying tension is

at its greatest when I've had to spend time with my nada.

How to defuse it quietly? I wish I knew. Walking helps but that's not always

practical. Yesterday I was wound up tight inside, knew I could get pretty snippy

so we went for a long walk.

If I'm feeling very raw, I simply go lay down and hide out.

It will be interesting to see how others handle it. The hardest thing to avoid

is that internal dialogue where you relive the bad times, have those mental

conversations with your nada and are able to tell her how you really feel.

That's when distraction helps.

>

> I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

>

> I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

>

[Guest guest]

I dissociate, which is not healthy. I am trying to figure out how NOT to do

that. A lot of the time I need to be alone, or I need to vent. This is a good

place to do that. It's hard to handle the anger.

>

> I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

>

> I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

>

[Guest guest]

I try to get quiet, sit in a room by myself, and repeat to myself: " You're

safe. It's just 'us' (meaning me and the terrified little girl inside me).

You're safe. I know it is scary/angering/infuriating, but no one can get us

now. It's okay to be scared and angry. I'm (big-girl me) here. I won't leave

you. No one can get to us now. " Kind of like soothing a traumatized child.

Sometimes I have to light candles or sit and rock or something. I use anything

to remind me I'm in the present, physically outside of my stupid past.

Other phrases I have to use sometimes:

" It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong. "

" They were wrong. Not you. You didn't do anything wrong. This was their

fault. Not yours. "

" Of course you were fooled. You were just a little kid. It's not your fault.

You just did what you had to in order to survive. "

" I know it hurts. I'm here. "

" I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. It was so horrific, and you were so

little. It makes me sick. "

" I love you. You are a good girl. They are sickos. But you are good. "

" I see you. You are good. I love you. "

I have to pray a lot during these times, and seek the power of my higher power.

" I need love and light in my soul right now. Please help me and sit with me

quietly now. " kind of prayers.

Sometimes it helps me to realize how " smart " my choice of shame was. If you

think about it . . . what options did you have? YOu could have fought and

screamed and yelled about the horrorific violation. You could have acted out.

And those choices would have utterly destroyed you because you would have been

dismissed, abused, abandoned, etc. It would have just multiplied your trauma.

Taking it on as your burden meant you gave yourself the only small measure of

protection available to you. The fact that you took that shame and held it to

yourself was the smartest option available. It was a brilliant choice,

actually--as long as you kept it with you, you could keep it in your control.

If you kept it internalized, at least it was yours to control, not theirs to use

against you. Your trauma and abuse and abandonment would have only increased if

you had externalized your trauma OR dealt with it in any other way.

Holding their shame inside of you is the best choice out of a myriad of sick,

twisted, dark, damaging options. I know this may sound sad, but . . . it has

helped me to see how I was brilliant, effective, intuitive, and strategic even

in the midst of their dark insanity. Even when I was given no sane/good choice.

Once I honored the shame a bit as the best available choice, it didn't feel so

overwhelmingly in charge of me. Hope that mkaes sense.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope the worst of it passes

soon. It's not you. In fact, it never was you. You are stronger than you

could ever imagine. I hope that realization begins to seep in through the

cracks--you are an incredible survivor, who took a pile of dark evil s*** and

turned yourself into a loving, caring, honorable, grown-up warrior. It's rather

unbelievable.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

>

> I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

>

[Guest guest]

I have been thinking about this again and I know exactly where she learned this

behavior from, her alcoholic father. This is the down side of his manipulation.

Meaning I'm sure he was probably a rager and all that kind of thing, and veered

into the pitiful when that didn't work. She married the rager side and adopted

the pitiful aspect for her own use. I was sent to stay with him when I was

little despite her history of abuse at his hands and he tried to assault me and

I fought him off and then he sat on the bed and started crying because 'look at

all he'd done for me and I wouldn't do anything for him'. I always think of that

as the moment in time when I cracked up and nothing made sense ever again. I was

six years old.

> >

> > I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

> >

> > I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have been thinking about this again and I know exactly where she learned this

behavior from, her alcoholic father. This is the down side of his manipulation.

Meaning I'm sure he was probably a rager and all that kind of thing, and veered

into the pitiful when that didn't work. She married the rager side and adopted

the pitiful aspect for her own use. I was sent to stay with him when I was

little despite her history of abuse at his hands and he tried to assault me and

I fought him off and then he sat on the bed and started crying because 'look at

all he'd done for me and I wouldn't do anything for him'. I always think of that

as the moment in time when I cracked up and nothing made sense ever again. I was

six years old.

> >

> > I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

> >

> > I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

p.s. It always helps me to remember, affirm, and speak about the good things

about me. I say them " to " me, for whatever reason. I makes it more powerful

(for me) than saying " I am " . i.e.:

" Karla, you did a great job with handling _________. You are a good person.

You are loving and kind. You are wonderful, and sane people who know you love

you. You have an impact for good. You turned your back on evil and found a way

to be whole, human, and filled with compassion. You are brave. You are strong.

You are an instrument of love, which is made all the more incredible considering

you were forced to be the receptacle of so much hate. You are exceptional

because you have survived so much and become so good. "

etc. etc.

>

> I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

>

> I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

>

[Guest guest]

wow, that is really powerful, especially the part about being a receptacle of so

much hate, I can really identify with this. thanks for posting it.

> >

> > I just posted in the list of bpd behaviors thread and what I posted about I

have not processed because it never became clear to me before now. I am sitting

here kind of in shock between tears and fury. I am just imagining all the times

my mother has used her favorite tactic to manipulate me and I am thinking what I

know about children needing to be mirrored and validated and I only got that

when I did what she wanted. I was so incredibly shame-based because I had sexual

abuse trauma from several predators (one of which she knew about because it was

her father) and she used that, my horrible feeling of shame and wanting to be

free of that feeling, to manipulate me. I don't know this woman at all. I can

feel the heat in my face and for a few minutes I felt just like when i was a

little girl and I used to vomit uncontrollably.

> >

> > I really don't even know how to comfort myself right now, except distraction

and I would like to sit with this for a little while if I can stand it. How do

people deal with these moments of intense anger when the revelations hit. What

do you say to yourself to calm down, for instance when you become aware of how

you should have been parented vs. how you were parented?

> >

>