School

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I could really use some positive thoughts and advice from those who are

sane. I got the word today that my funding has been approved for school. I

start classes on Thursday. My only experience so far with college was when

I was 19 and was a disaster. First, It took me 1 1/2 years after high

school to even get into college because nada made too much money and was

receiving (and keeping) $900 a month in social security survivors benefits

in my name. Since I was a high school graduate that money should have been

going to me for school but since I was still 17 at graduation the checks

were sent to nada. I finally found a program to help pay for school and

went to community college. I had to give up my apartment and move back with

nada to afford it. I moved in with the agreement that my computer I was

bringing was for me to use for school work and that my need to study will be

respected. Of course, my nada demanded that my computer, which was much

better than hers, become the family computer. Nada and brother promptly

violated every rule of internet safety and had picked up 954 spyware and 127

viruses(causing the computer to run like crap). Then my brother was allowed

to bring 10+ friends in the house all evening every night with loud music,

drinking, drugs, and I was only allowed to study in the dining room with

this all around me. I ended up not even finishing my first semester due to

these and all the general BPD abuse. I got fed up and moved in with friends

and partied for two weeks to just forget everything.

So I'm very nervous starting school and I have several things I need to work

very hard on.

- I already failed once at college so I have those negative thoughts that

I can't do it.

- I tend to take criticism personally and fear that instead of learning

from my teachers I will just become defensive when told I need to improve

something.

- I despise social situations, being around all the other students is a

great source of anxiety for me. After all the years with nada I am

hypersensitive and perceive a potential verbal attack coming on where none

exists. I also compare myself negatively to other people

Any thoughts on how to cope?