Re: Feeling ultimately flawed

[Guest guest]

yes! there is hope, it can get better, and what you are feeling, this guilt and

deep flawed (shameful in my case) feeling is very normal and natural as i

understand it.. when we are young we feel the whole world and everyone in it

revolves around us and therefore when there is pain and dysfunction we of

necessity in order to survive feel deep down that it is our fault.. this is very

very elemental and deep in our systems, wired in our brains if you will that we

(i) feel shameful and deeply flawed.. yet we can with awareness, little by

little do the work to become more at ease with ourselves and be able to receive

the love from others we failed to get as children and eventually even begin to

love ourselves.. it can be done!  have faith and try not to beat yourself up

about it, the very fact that you are allowing yourself to have these very

uncomfortable feelings shows your gaining strength. you are no longer needing to

deny so much and with help and work

and time it can get better.   best wishes, ann

Subject: Feeling ultimately flawed

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, August 14, 2010, 3:20 AM

 

I've been reading some posts about mourning lost childhoods and the

sadness that is felt when trying to reconcile the erratic behaviour of a BPD

parent. I haven't spoken to my mother for a few weeks now. I tried to set some

boundaries and she hated it. She eventually told me that she is divorcing me and

is relieved to be finally free of me.

Just this week, however she sent me a message telling me that if I wanted to, I

could light a candle for my Grandmother to commemorate 8 years of her passing

away. Might I add that the candle she was referring to was a gift I had given

her that she dumped on my doorstep along with photographs of me when she was

really angry with me recently.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the effect of our relationship has had

on me as a person. I feel like I am ultimately flawed and even though I

rationally know that I don't deserve the abuse, part of me deep down believes

that I am the horrible and selfish person that she sometimes says I am.

That has been her main criticism of me over the years, that I am selfish- so

happy to be off with others, being there for them and helping them and

neglecting her who always seems to need me for one reason or another. And I have

always felt a responsibility to be with her exclusively to help her through

various hardships and guilt for " abandoning " her or in other words spending time

with others.

Since we are not on speaking terms and I have tried to maintain my boundaries,

when I'm spending time with others- friends, family, in laws- I have this awful

feeling that I'm a terrible two-faced person who is so nice to others but

horrible to my mother as though it were some terrible, dark secret that that

nobody else knows. I feel like I'll be found out for appearing so gentle and

kind on the outside, but really being horrible and nasty underneath. It's so

irrational. Everyone in my life knows that I have struggled with the

relationship over the years and almost everybody has always wondered how I could

keep putting up with it. I just can't seem to shake the feeling though.

Lately I also have this horrible thought of her passing away and me realising

that I have the whole situation wrong. That she really is just a lovely, sweet

innocent soul who is just angry and hurting about her tough life and being

treated so differently from everybody else. That she needed my love and I

abandoned her.

My rational self knows that I need to be strong and keep my boundaries and I

feel almost detached from her now in a sense. But I'm just afraid of all the

emotion lurking beneath the surface.

My situation is hard like so many others here too because most of her behaviour

is over the top admiration and love for me but then she flips and rages at me

and it feels like she hates me. That makes it so hard to keep clear headed and

trust my perceptions because she is so seemingly lovely and supportive and has

this almost child-like innocence about her. I have mentioned before that she is

the waif- all skinny and vulnerable, she has a back injury and is out of work

and she is always thinking of others and how she can help them. So when I stand

up to her she fluctuates between saying nasty, hurtful things to being wounded

by me and says stuff like " I'm just not strong enough to be scolded by you " .

Oh the best one was when she stole my daughters blankets from her pram on the

front verandah that she had given her and returned them saying she was sorry to

take them, but she was starving for a cuddle. I have tried to be very

" non-blamey " in my boundary setting and have repeated lines like " I just want to

stick to no phone contact for a while because it hasn't been going so well for

us " etc, but I must admit I lost it when she said that and I told her it was

utter B.S! I insisted that she took them because she was angry with me and she

cried and acted like I was viscously attacking her.

It is so hard to explain to anyone the profound effect this has on me and always

seems to be on my mind somehow. Someone a while ago (Katrina?) said something

along the lines of wondering if any really successful people have relationships

like these with their parents and I really thought a lot about this. I too have

similar thoughts. I feel sort of debilitated by this relationship. I kind of

have this feeling that my whole foundation of being is somehow flawed. I almost

feel guilty writing that because in lots of ways I feel like I have had a lot of

love growing up and I guess my mother has tried her best, having a difficult

childhood herself and raising me as a single mum. I'm not trying to blame all of

my shortcomings on my mother, but at the same time I feel like I have to spend

so much time investing energy into it, that I could be achieving other great

things, or at the very least enjoy precious time with family and friends without

this huge

weight and feelings of guilt.

I am trying to accept that it is a part of my life and that it has helped make

me the person that I am and to count my blessings. I just wonder if it will ever

stop being so huge.

Well, thanks for reading. It has helped writing out these thoughts.

Peace to you all.

With Warmth,

Lynda

[Guest guest]

So many things here resonate with me.

When I went LC (contact via writing only), my mother couldn't handle not being

able to terrorize me I guess and cut me off.

I've often thought as well that had I had a normal, loving relationship I would

have a proper sense of self. It wouldn't have taken me until my early 30's to

get my head screwed on straight.

I feel like I lost my own dreams. I didn't do well in school because I was busy

concentrating on surviving, because I didn't have a good educational base, I

could not do what I really wanted to do, and that was to become a doctor. I did

manage to upgrade some of my schooling so that I could get a degree in

psychology, but I think this was mostly for my own personal growth.

I was terrified to have children, and it took me 10 years to get over that to

the point where my body would allow me to get pregnant.

I had wanted to go to Europe to work after highschool, but I didn't know where

to start, and I didn't have the courage to look into it. Now that I have a

house, kids etc, that dream is gone.

I feel like I was dumped into the real world after living in " Wonderland " my

entire life and I spent the next 15 years trying not to drown.

Now that I'm 36, and I look back at the ruins of my childhood and young

adulthood and I'm PISSED off. I feel ripped off. I feel that they've been stolen

from me. BOTH of my parents are guilty of crushing MY dreams and stealing my

life from me.

[Guest guest]

So many things here resonate with me.

When I went LC (contact via writing only), my mother couldn't handle not being

able to terrorize me I guess and cut me off.

I've often thought as well that had I had a normal, loving relationship I would

have a proper sense of self. It wouldn't have taken me until my early 30's to

get my head screwed on straight.

I feel like I lost my own dreams. I didn't do well in school because I was busy

concentrating on surviving, because I didn't have a good educational base, I

could not do what I really wanted to do, and that was to become a doctor. I did

manage to upgrade some of my schooling so that I could get a degree in

psychology, but I think this was mostly for my own personal growth.

I was terrified to have children, and it took me 10 years to get over that to

the point where my body would allow me to get pregnant.

I had wanted to go to Europe to work after highschool, but I didn't know where

to start, and I didn't have the courage to look into it. Now that I have a

house, kids etc, that dream is gone.

I feel like I was dumped into the real world after living in " Wonderland " my

entire life and I spent the next 15 years trying not to drown.

Now that I'm 36, and I look back at the ruins of my childhood and young

adulthood and I'm PISSED off. I feel ripped off. I feel that they've been stolen

from me. BOTH of my parents are guilty of crushing MY dreams and stealing my

life from me.

[Guest guest]

So many things here resonate with me.

When I went LC (contact via writing only), my mother couldn't handle not being

able to terrorize me I guess and cut me off.

I've often thought as well that had I had a normal, loving relationship I would

have a proper sense of self. It wouldn't have taken me until my early 30's to

get my head screwed on straight.

I feel like I lost my own dreams. I didn't do well in school because I was busy

concentrating on surviving, because I didn't have a good educational base, I

could not do what I really wanted to do, and that was to become a doctor. I did

manage to upgrade some of my schooling so that I could get a degree in

psychology, but I think this was mostly for my own personal growth.

I was terrified to have children, and it took me 10 years to get over that to

the point where my body would allow me to get pregnant.

I had wanted to go to Europe to work after highschool, but I didn't know where

to start, and I didn't have the courage to look into it. Now that I have a

house, kids etc, that dream is gone.

I feel like I was dumped into the real world after living in " Wonderland " my

entire life and I spent the next 15 years trying not to drown.

Now that I'm 36, and I look back at the ruins of my childhood and young

adulthood and I'm PISSED off. I feel ripped off. I feel that they've been stolen

from me. BOTH of my parents are guilty of crushing MY dreams and stealing my

life from me.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Ann, I do feel like I am coming out of absolute denial and gaining

strength in so many ways. As confronting and uncertain as now feels in terms of

a way forward, I feel like I am at least facing up to the truth of my situation,

which is very liberating. It's like an awakening of sorts. Thanks for taking

time to reply. I appreciated your thoughts.

Elora, thanks also for your reply. I am the same in terms of taking until my

early thirties to finally see the reality of my situation.

I think, as Ann said to me, your ability to see your situation so clearly is a

real positive in terms of being able to move forward from an honest place. That

takes real courage. It is really hard to feel the pain and anguish when mourning

a lost child hood, but I think that facing up to it is necessary in order to

forge a new way forward. A new way that enables you to recognise the life that

you want and be able to recognise and fulfil your dreams. I wish you well in

your journey with this.

With Warmth,

Lynda

>

> So many things here resonate with me.

>

> When I went LC (contact via writing only), my mother couldn't handle not being

able to terrorize me I guess and cut me off.

>

> I've often thought as well that had I had a normal, loving relationship I

would have a proper sense of self. It wouldn't have taken me until my early 30's

to get my head screwed on straight.

>

> I feel like I lost my own dreams. I didn't do well in school because I was

busy concentrating on surviving, because I didn't have a good educational base,

I could not do what I really wanted to do, and that was to become a doctor. I

did manage to upgrade some of my schooling so that I could get a degree in

psychology, but I think this was mostly for my own personal growth.

>

> I was terrified to have children, and it took me 10 years to get over that to

the point where my body would allow me to get pregnant.

>

> I had wanted to go to Europe to work after highschool, but I didn't know where

to start, and I didn't have the courage to look into it. Now that I have a

house, kids etc, that dream is gone.

>

> I feel like I was dumped into the real world after living in " Wonderland " my

entire life and I spent the next 15 years trying not to drown.

>

> Now that I'm 36, and I look back at the ruins of my childhood and young

adulthood and I'm PISSED off. I feel ripped off. I feel that they've been stolen

from me. BOTH of my parents are guilty of crushing MY dreams and stealing my

life from me.

>