foster child with BPD Mom - how to help, not overwhelm her?

[Guest guest]

Hello All-

You know how sometimes you wish you could swoop back in time and save your

little self from your BPD family members? Weirdly, I'm having a similar

experience with a child.

Recently, my husband and I were lucky enough to have a wonderful foster child

join us. She's 13 years old, smart, kind, sensitive and loving. She seems eager

to bond with us and she's an absolute joy to have around. We would love to adopt

her if we get the chance, and she already started calling us her " parents " and

saying she wants to live with us " for years and years " .

I'll call her .

It turns out 's mom and older sis are BPD, and her middle sister in is

denial. Her mom is really low-functioning, and their life at home was pretty

awful.

Yup, I'm suddenly the parent of someone with a BPD parent (not us, you

understand, but her mom). It's deja vu all over again!

I was way luckier than , since my mom (in denial) and my dad (BPD) and

brother (BPD) were all pretty high functioning.

But in a lot of ways her life and experiences and feelings and family players

are eerily similar to my own.

Which could be really helpful to her, but is also sort of dangerous!

I want to help and love this kid without:

1) over-identifying with her (since her life is her life, we are two separate

people, boundaries are SO important, BPD parents have no boundaries, she needs

breathing room for God's sake, etc).

2) telling her too much about my own experiences, or even anything at all about

them. I don't want her to feel like she has to sympathize with me, esp. as she

spent her childhood taken care of one adult, and hardly needs another to worry

about.

She already has too much of a tendency to try to take care of me and my husband.

We keep trying to drive home the fact that WE are the adults and WE take care of

her, and she can put down the grocery bags and the laundry basket and the

cooking spoon and let us do it! Laying a big emotional trip on her about MY

messed childhood would surely subvert that message.

3) pointing her to resources like this website - it's waaayyy to early for that.

She doesn't even realize yet her mom's been diagnosed with a mental illness,

(schizophrenia, though her social worker is trying to get it changed to BPD).

Any advice anyone can offer?

Parents, how do you help your kids deal with YOUR parent's BPD? How do you not

overwhelm them with your own memories? How do you keep those boundaries clear,

even when their reactions are so painfully familiar to you?

Wait, actually, I guess most of you would be NC or LC with the grandparents, but

my husband and I don't get to control that. controls how much contact she

has with her BPD mom.

Right now she has none, and wishes for none, so it's fairly easy to support that

decision!

But we also have to stay neutral and even encouraging when she does decide to

re-connect with her mom.

Complicating all this is the fact she may end up going back to this mother,

either by her own choice (which seems unlikely at this point) or due to a court

decision. We've got to push aside our own desire to form a family with her and

support whatever she decides to do.

Right now wants to be NC, but her mom is pushing hard for a visit, and

keeps nagging the social worker. Her mom isn't allowed to call, but she

pressured the middle sister to call , and tell her she was being " selfish "

and " a bad daughter " .

, God bless her, stuck to her guns and ended the call.

I came into the room to find her in tears, asking me, " Am I being selfish? " I

responded " Well, your mom and sister are trying to force you to do something

that makes you feel unhappy and unsafe. Is that selfish? "

So much for neutrality! I went on to say that she had a right to be happy and

safe, she had a right to protect herself, and the only person who gets to decide

when she sees her mom is herself.

I told her that she shouldn't worry about hurting our feelings if she wants to

see her mom. That she shouldn't worry about hurting her mom's feelings, if she

doesn't. That she should listen to her own heart. I tried my best to keep my

voice level and neutral.

Then I went out for a long drive in the rain to cuss her mom out in the car!

So clearly, this is getting to me.

How can I use my knowledge of all this to help, not overwhelm and and overly

influence, dear little confused ?

Letty

P.S. My husband and I signed us all up for therapy already. was so happy

to finally get to talk about all this stuff that she grabbed our hands and

SKIPPED to the appointment.